legal custody of my non biological daughter in BPD family

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know if I'm in the right place. I have raised a daughter who is not biologically my

Child since birth. She is now 8. My BPD/NPD partner has never allowed me to adopt or have legal custody as a means of ensuring I don't leave. The mother is emotionally and verbally abusive to both of us. But I cant leave our daughter behind with her mother -- and I have promised her I won't. My situation seems completely hopeless. I have been told by legal counsel the best I might get is an hour of visitation a month. This would break my daughter's heart as well as mine. Any thoughts or advice? So far I've had attorneys tell me to go home and tell my wife I love her, or the attorneys never took my call.

[markjjsmith95]

I don't know if I'm in the right place. I have raised a daughter who is not biologically my

Child since birth. She is now 8. My BPD/NPD partner has never allowed me to adopt or have legal custody as a means of ensuring I don't leave. The mother is emotionally and verbally abusive to both of us. But I cant leave our daughter behind with her mother -- and I have promised her I won't. My situation seems completely hopeless. I have been told by legal counsel the best I might get is an hour of visitation a month. This would break my daughter's heart as well as mine. Any thoughts or advice? So far I've had attorneys tell me to go home and tell my wife I love her, or the attorneys never took my call.

[livednlearned]

Hi markjjsmith95,

That is a really tough spot to be in, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. It sounds like you are a critically important adult in your daughter's life and are worried about what might happen if you leave.

Can you tell us a little more about your wife and what she is like? Does she have tender cycles, or is she more narcissistic?

What is your daughter like when her mom rages or becomes abusive?

It may be that you have fewer legal options than if you were the bio dad. There may also be communication skills or therapeutic interventions you can do to help D8 learn resilience over time, and problem-solving skills if/when she needed help. The Improving board (in particular) and Co-parenting board have lessons and peer support.

Lesson 5 on the Coparenting board is about raising resilient children when one parent has BPD. Part of what we are called to do as parents is help our kids individuate from a parent who denies them that fundamental developmental stage (BPD parents, lacking a sense of self, tend to see their children as extensions, not separate people). This can create enmeshment. Sometimes, when the non-afflicted BPD parent is codependent, we inadvertently teach the children to be enablers, also not healthy. Those lessons have skills that help us help our kids by validating emotions, something their BPD parent is unlikely to do (unless it benefits them). Most importantly, our kids have to learn how to establish healthy boundaries, and that's pretty tough (terrifying) for a child if there is no adult role model to show them how.

It is possible, in a strange way, that the reason your wife allows D8 to bond with you is because you are not the bio dad. When BPD parents are threatened or jealous by the other parent, sometimes they engage in alienation, in which they distort the child's views of the other parent to be entirely (and unreasonably) negative. This is unbelievably painful! And very hard to undo. This is a very thin silver lining if this is not happening to you! But still a silver lining 

[markjjsmith95]

Thank you, I will look into these things. To answer your questions:

My daughter has a difficult time regulating her emotions and cries hysterically whether her mother is in a full-blown rage or on the verge of one. She is already "walking on egg shells." Having said that, she does generally show more emotional maturity than her mother often does. Which I take as a positive sign.

I do worry very much about codependency and the lessons my daughter is learning from the fact that I am staying.

But the sad reality is that if I leave, she will will have no one in the world to help her. There is no doubt in my mind she would bear all the brunt of her mom's rage. It would be a matter of weeks before 8YO had a complete psychological meltdown.

I try to keep my daughter busy with sports, church, etc so she sees and interacts with positive adult role models.

Bio dad has never been in the picture. I helped my partner as a friend when she became pregnant, things later turned romantic and I had no idea who she really was until it was too late. There is no doubt there is some codependency - I grew up in a BPD family myself. Just because I UNDERSTAND how I got here doesn't change the needs of my 8YO. Thanks for any and all help.

[livednlearned]

My son had a hard time regulating his emotions too, though he dealt with strong feelings in a different way than how you describe your D. It's pretty hard to stand by and watch them struggle  :'(

I'll share some of the things that helped me parent my son.

1. Work with a therapist, maybe even a child psychologist, to try and understand what D8 might need, and how you can help her. Explain your legal situation and make it clear that you want to help her develop skills. Growing up with in a BPD environment probably means that you will need a professional to help you identify trouble spots (before the rages) that might mitigate conflict. D8 can learn these skills from you. Or, if it's too weird to see a child psychologist without D8 (I'm assuming your wife won't let D8 see a T), then find a family counselor who has some experience with child psychology.

2. Read books about validation. There is a recommended reading list under Lesson 5 on the Coparenting board. The ones that can make an immediate impact are the books about validation. Power of Validation (for parents) and I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by the Lundbergs. This is probably the most important communication skill you can provide. Validation is also a first-responder type of communication skill you can use with your wife, although it must be balanced with strong boundaries. If you struggle with boundaries, D8 probably will too. We can help you with some of the ins and outs of setting boundaries, tho the senior members on the Improving board are probably in the best position to break down the specifics of what happens in your home.

3. Learn how to create an even safer relationship with D8 so she doesn't feel she's in a loyalty bind -- she may experience this as your wife begins to see the strong connection between you and D8. To do that, you'll need to counter the effects of enmeshment. A really good strategy is discussed in Divorce Poison by Warshak, in which you help D8 understand the difference between lying, secrecy, withholding, privacy, etc. She needs to understand the values and boundaries associated with these concepts otherwise she will be overwhelmed by guilt if she does not tell her mother everything. And that puts D8 in an untenable position, not to mention you as well.

4. Talk to D8's school counselor and see if you like/trust this person. I made contact with the guidance counselors at my son's schools and explained that my son was dealing with some difficulties at home. Sometimes schools have family specialists and you can talk to them too. Ask for suggestions on what D8 can do if she is feeling overwhelmed. If she comes to school after her mom rages at her, she will likely struggle socially and it can be an important part of self-care if she learns she can go to the counselor's office and sit and draw until her feelings are not on tilt.

5. If mom is emotionally/verbally abusive, that probably won't put you within range of CPS. However, you can think about what should happen when D8 is being abused. Some BPD people recognize that they overreacted and can go through tender cycles. If your wife returns to baseline and can talk about things, use "we" instead of "you" to discuss what should happen next time. For example, "When we argued, it really scared D8. Next time, to protect her, I will remove her from the situation until we can talk privately or when emotions are cooled off."

There are different things going on with BPD sufferers depending on whether they have narcissistic coping strategies. Usually their are varying degrees of fear of abandonment/fear of engulfment going on too. Knowing more about your wife will help you come up with strategies to offset, or at least mitigate, the abuse when she starts to dysregulate. It won't cure her or make it go away, only give you some skills to not make things worse.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

In some states I believe the one having the role as Dad versus BioDad means more than in other states.  However, what I remember is concerning Child Support.  For example, I recall one state required a man to prove he didn't know the child wasn't his (presumably the result of a hidden affair) before he would be released from CS obligations.

What I mean is that with the crumbling of the ages old definition of marriage, it's possible that over time being the biological parent may mean less and less.  For example, by definition, children in a same sex marriage cannot be the biological offspring of both parents.  (Technology may some day make possible a 3-parent baby - mother's egg, another woman's mitochondria and father's sperm - but I don't think science and society is there yet.)

Should you quietly and confidentially research what laws are in other states regarding your situation?  If you moved to a state with broader rules, would she go with you?  If so, are you willing to investigate whether that would work for you?

I recall one member years ago saying there's a book, "All my Ex's are from Texas".  (I just checked and only found a song by that name.)  What that meant was that Texas had simpler divorce laws than some other overly biased states.  While he couldn't get divorced in his home state, just separated, once all his money was depleted, he moved to Texas, gained residency after the required period of time, 6 months as I recall, then divorced there, sidestepping his original's state's onerous process.

I'm not saying it would be better to establish residency, usually at least 6 months for custody cases, in a more favorable state, but that's a possibility to investigate if the rest of the family would move with you.  Some states may be more likely to allow the custody evaluator to identify the better parent along lines more expanded than just biological and marital status.  I'm not saying there are any, but at least it's an idea.

[Thunderstruck]

Is Bio Dad even still alive? What reason does your wife give for not letting you adopt SD8?

My SD11 was very emotional at that age. She still can be overwhelmed emotionally, but it has gotten much better as she's gotten older. We talk a lot about her feelings and behaviors.

[momtara]

You are not the first person here with that problem, and my heart goes out to you. It seems like if a parent has been with a child through most of their lives, they should have some rights, esp if the child really wants that.

It's frustrating that lawyers have basically told you to give up. I feel like there should be someone out there who should make the effort to start a new precedent in a matter like this. As I said, you are not the first. But it is hard to overcome existing laws and of course to prove the mental unsoundness of the other person if it's something like BPD.

Don't give up. You are a good person. You need support, not just daughter, so feel free to come back here and also I hope you have a good counselor who can guide you.

[markjjsmith95]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

My daughter very much wants me in her life, and our relationship is such that I am the primary nurturer for her emotional needs. I haven't had much time to read thoroughly through all these thoughts and responses but will be doing so. This is a lonely place to be: no one I know understands what a BPD personality is like. It means a lot you all took the time to respond. Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

Family or domestic courts exercise a certain amount of discretion in rulings, obviously not all families need the identical remedies and solutions.  On the flip side, they have laws, regulations, policies and procedures that they are often reluctant to stray from.

So, how to get them to exercise their discretion to give basis for you to remain in substantial contact or in a parenting role once your relationship with her mother has ended?  That's tough.  You'd probably need to convince the court, generally through a custody evaluation, psychological evaluation, a child psychologist or children services intervention, that despite the lack of a genetic connection, you have been not just a de facto parent but the only stable parent figure in her life.

A court may have to be convinced to that that rare step.  They won't listen to you alone.  (And they won't listen to her either since courts rarely have young children appear in court.)  So you'll need a professional whose place it is to peer into the family relationships, confirm how essential you are in D's life and then express that to the court.  Your state's laws may limit what can be ordered after you no longer have a relationship with her mother.  That's where local attorneys can provide advice.  Hopefully "one hour per month" is only the typical outcome and not the upper limit.

Meanwhile, try to document the mother's poor parenting now.  (As much as courts don't like to deal with recordings, now is the time to document what really happens so you don't get into a "he said, she said" squabble with the professionals.  In my case, I did record, but very low key, I kept my recorder in my pocket so I didn't antagonize an already raging spouse and make an already bad incident worse.)  Maybe, just maybe, someone (attorney, children's services, evaluator) will listen to the rants and rages (at the appropriate time) and advocate for a much better outcome than the bare minimum of contact.

[momtara]

Mark, we understand, and you can get some good advice here. Many dads here were close to giving up but tried to think about it as logically as they could and geared up to do a lot of convincing. It's lonely and not easy. You are a good person for caring about your (yes your) daughter so much. Hang in there and do come back here!

While you are still with your wife, document slowly and plan quietly.