is this just lies? I want to respond but what for and what to say?

[Venny]

I just got this email in response to the ones I've sent... .help

othing was a lie. It was all real. 


It was also unhealthy and toxic. 


I am sick


It affected us and you 


You did what you could. You took care of me. I know how much you've done for me. 


I'm sorry it has to be like this. 


I wish it didn't. I wish so badly we could be friends or lovers. Live happily ever after.


But unfortunately I have issues and lost my way. I was steadily declining for over a year. Since our Dominican trip. I never was the same again. 



I hope one day you can be happy again and in love. Please know I will always care for you. I do not speak badly of you ever. What we had is to be cherished. I would not say other wise. 

[unsureuncertain]

What are you thinking about saying in your response? It may be better to not respond for a while and have time to process.

[once removed]

she sounds self aware, vulnerable, and honest. i would take this exchange at face value.

how you feel about it, and whether or not you wish to release with grace, are the next question.

[rfriesen]

I've had similar messages from my ex. I believe they're sincere and can be taken at face value. But remember that pwBPD often struggle to maintain a stable emotional life and personality. In a non-BPD context, I would tend to take that kind of message as an invitation to open up and discuss the end of the relationship a bit more so that both sides can find closure and leave on at least relatively friendly and kind terms.

But with my ex, I came to realise that was too painful for her. If I tried to push for further sharing and closure, even if I did so very gently, it always led to one of two things: either my ex would start to pull me back in and ask why it couldn't work, or she would start blaming me for what went wrong and dump shame and guilt on me. I had to accept that a brief, painful, and almost desperate expression of her hurt and sadness was the closest I would get to closure. And I appreciate that she did that much, even though it's left my head and heart still spinning.

If you do respond, make sure to be really clear on what you hope to get out of talking further. And how you'll handle it if she either starts pulling or pushing again.

[Fr4nz]

For what is worth... .I agree with others' opinions.

[once removed]

But remember that pwBPD often struggle to maintain a stable emotional life and personality.

this is really important to keep in mind. when i advise you to take it at face value, that means take it to heart, consider it a level of closure. that does not mean it isnt subject to change. consider your response, if you wish to give one, very carefully.

[Nuitari]

I've gotten similar messages from my ex as well. I want to believe they were sincere, but reengaging with her in any way always resulted in more abusive behavior from her. These kind of apologies are all our exes seem capable of giving in the way of closure. It might be a mistake to expect anything more.

[FallBack!Monster]

I just got this email in response to the ones I've sent... .help

othing was a lie. It was all real. 


It was also unhealthy and toxic. 


I am sick


It affected us and you 


You did what you could. You took care of me. I know how much you've done for me. 


I'm sorry it has to be like this. 


I wish it didn't. I wish so badly we could be friends or lovers. Live happily ever after.


But unfortunately I have issues and lost my way. I was steadily declining for over a year. Since our Dominican trip. I never was the same again. 



I hope one day you can be happy again and in love. Please know I will always care for you. I do not speak badly of you ever. What we had is to be cherished. I would not say other wise. 

On the flip side of my usual opinions, if she indeed wrote these words, I think it was sincere.  She almost sounds like a non, that's why I say it must be true.  I think for your own sake, take it for what it sounds like.  It is an apology, which is more than most people ever get after their dream girl/guy have left without notice.  However, you might get a smarter response from someone with more experience than I had.  These words would not apply to anything I felt or shared with my ex. except for the part where she admits to having lots of issues, when in the past she would say I am the one with the issues.  I could always see in her eyes that she knew she was the one with the issues... .sorry for getting off the subject... .Anyway, they are beautiful words... .so take it as is.

[rendezvous04]

This I thought to be a last attempt to get feelings out. It's so hard to understand if this is all it is. My ex-BPD has been texting me for 1o days and I have not responded. He still blames me for all is problems. His last text was almost remorseful. I reread it and gave it great thought. The next morning I wanted to reply, and he did the unthinkable. He blocked me from all contact. I guess he finally got the message. Doesn't make me feel any better. Good luck with your friend. I think you have done your best. Now it's up to them/ or not! Be strong, better things await us all.

[sweet tooth]

I would take that at face value, too. I would only respond if I had something to add. It sounds like she's giving you closure.

[atomic popsicles]

I am envious of your opportunity for closure.

I hope I wouldn't try to recycle after that... .tempting... .good thing I haven't gotten one, I guess!

[Icanteven]

I just got this email in response to the ones I've sent... .help

[N]othing was a lie. It was all real. 

It was also unhealthy and toxic. 

I am sick

It affected us and you 

You did what you could. You took care of me. I know how much you've done for me. 

I'm sorry it has to be like this. 

I wish it didn't. I wish so badly we could be friends or lovers. Live happily ever after.

But unfortunately I have issues and lost my way. I was steadily declining for over a year... .I never was the same again. 

I hope one day you can be happy again and in love. Please know I will always care for you. I do not speak badly of you ever. What we had is to be cherished. I would not say other wise. 

Are you sure we're not with the same woman, because, literally, with the exception of the Dominican trip she references, this could be word for word the conversation my wife and I had. 

What hurts the most for me at this point is the finality of the break in her mind, and apparently the same holds true in your situation.  And, if it makes you feel any better, we had the most connected sex of our relationship for a very long time the day she left.  As I've told her numerous times now, what doesn't make any sense is that our marriage ended quite literally over one argument and it was done.  One and done.

I spoke with my wife the other night and not only was it the same conversation, but to make everything even more head scratching:

Wife:  I love you

ME:  And I you.  Do you miss me?

Wife:  Of course

Me:  Are you happy?

Wife:  No.  I'm miserable

Me:  Are you seeing anyone?

Wife:  No and I have no intentions of doing so any time soon.  Are you?

Me:  No but at some point I'm sure I will

Wife:  She will be so incredibly lucky

Me:  Let me get this straight:  you love me, you miss me, you're still attracted to me [prior conversation], you're so proud of me and excited for me [prior conversation], you're miserable, and you think that the next woman in my life will be lucky to have me; why can't you be that woman?  Aren't we married?

Wife:  I just can't

FYI, we are married with children and despite the almost exact conversation you had and the conversation above, she's still not coming back.  Don't beat yourself up, as my own T has told me I'm never going to make sense of it and only shorten my life span trying to do so.

[C.Stein]

I just got this email in response to the ones I've sent... .help

Many of us here would love to get this email, including me.  For a moment she was self-aware and I read this as being honest, genuine and sincere.  Take it for what it is and be happy you got this much.  I know I never will get anything close to this.

If you reply I would keep it very short ... .i.e. thanking her for her honesty and sincerity and nothing more.   

[rfriesen]

If you reply I would keep it very short ... .i.e. thanking her for her honesty and sincerity and nothing more.   

I just want to second this. I can really understand the temptation to inquire a little more, to want to know why she seems to be plunging into sadness when maybe you feel she could have such happiness with you. But, for what it's worth coming from an outside observer, it really sounds like she's committed to taking that plunge and you can probably never really know what's going on in her head and heart, or whether she'll still feel the same thing tomorrow. Of course, only you can decide what you want to do in response, but my guess is any attempt to push her for more is not likely to end well.