Can alcohol make them even more blind to their BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My ex never told me she had BPD. She told me when we dated she thought she was bipolar.

We've been broken up for about a year now, and she has been with someone new for 9 months.

They drink every day. My ex has lost her job, when she used to have a great work ethic (new person doesn't work or make any effort to). My ex is getting high now, where as she never even tried weed when we dated. She partys all the time now, when she was very reserved and not at all into partying. She has taken on the kid of her new partner, even though she never wanted kids, even after our break up.

Can the alcohol make themselves even more blind to themselves?
She seems as if she is on some amazing euphoria, like her life is problemless, and she is happy as can be, in love as can be, and everything she ever wanted.

I also hope she will wake up one day, see all she has done, regret it, and get some sort of help. But the constant drinking and stuff makes that seem unlikely.

Is this to block out reality?

[Indifferent28]

My ex never told me she had BPD. She told me when we dated she thought she was bipolar.

We've been broken up for about a year now, and she has been with someone new for 9 months.

They drink every day. My ex has lost her job, when she used to have a great work ethic (new person doesn't work or make any effort to). My ex is getting high now, where as she never even tried weed when we dated. She partys all the time now, when she was very reserved and not at all into partying. She has taken on the kid of her new partner, even though she never wanted kids, even after our break up.

Can the alcohol make themselves even more blind to themselves?
She seems as if she is on some amazing euphoria, like her life is problemless, and she is happy as can be, in love as can be, and everything she ever wanted.

I also hope she will wake up one day, see all she has done, regret it, and get some sort of help. But the constant drinking and stuff makes that seem unlikely.

Is this to block out reality?

[seenr]

My ex drank to blot out reality.

When we were apart, she would claim she lowered the alcohol intake and get really fit. But as soon as I was back in her life she drank. It was a cop out.

I do think they drink to blot it out yes.

[Indifferent28]

So like, if they are claiming they're so happy and stuff but drinking every day and doing/starting all this unhealthy behavior post-break up, is that just more evidence of their illness and how unhappy they are?

I wish all the exes would see that non-sense.

Why do you think your ex began to drink when she was with you?

My ex was the opposite when we were dating. She was losing weight and trying to be fit/eat healthier, now over the last year she has gainined back weight and added all this unhealthy behavior in her daily activities.

[drained1996]

Sounds like she is just mirroring the replacement.  The alcohol is certainly fuel on the fire of a person who has emotional regulation issues.  If indeed she is BPD... .idealization will only last so long... .the honey moon will soon be on fire.  Just my 2 cents.  

[Indifferent28]

I am very positive with all i've read that she indeed does have it.

We were together 5 years. I am surprised we were, given what i've read, but we were young and I think her illness began progressing about a year into our relationship.

I thought for people without mental illness, the honey moon phase typically lasts 3-6 months.
For BPD, do you have a typical estimation?
She seemed to idolize me our entire 5 years, and i never knew why.

Yes, it does seem she is mirroring the replacement, and in a bad way. It makes me very upset that her family sees
this behavior and doesn't think it's odd, and loves the new replacement.

[StayStrongNow]

2 points here 1) my stbxBPDw drank to escape. She loves to drink, has a replacement who apparently loves the same. She became someone else, you could say a different "flavor" of BPD, just different. Once starting to drink she viewed our children as balls and chains and was very irritated at the kids disrupting her partying.

2) This euphoria is her true condition right now. This is the answers to all her dreams, she is in her own heaven right now.

If the replacement is filthy rich and a NPD she will last with him, they need each other to fill whole.  Most likely the stresses of real or imagined abandonment issues or other things will arise and she will crash and burn.

I know this r/s of mine hurt bad when the replacement became her new knight in shinning armor. I just need to accept what is and move on with my own life.

[drained1996]

indifferent28,

I can only tell you my experience, and the idealization/honey moon phase for mine lasted about 9-10 months with plenty of red flags for me to notice an issue... .but obviously I chose to ignore. 
They mirror what they see... .so I'm guessing the replacement is what you are saying is bad. 

I'm just curious, where do you see yourself in the detachment process?

[Indifferent28]

StayStrongNow,

So your ex basically became the other person, the replacement, right? Exactly what my ex has done. Does she still view your children as ball and chains? Does it fluctuate? Is your exes new replacement rich, or are you asking if my exes new replacement is?

My exes replacement has zero money and no job, and now my ex has neither. I have no idea how they are paying anything. In fact, I think they already live together. My ex and i were together 5 years and didn't even do that.

Are you still caught in between accepting how things are and letting go, or holding hope for the future?

Drained1996,

Hmmm, I guess that time zone does make sense. I guess the first year or so is pretty lustful, even for non-BPDs. My ex and the replacement have already broken up once for a few days, a few months ago. In that few day break up, the ex reached out to me with an item that she was asking if it belonged to me and that she could "meet up to give it to me one day"

that day never came (though i acted non-chalant about it, like well it isnt an important item so whenever is cool). They got back together days later and we didn't talk again.

[Indifferent28]

Something else to note... .The replacement found me on FAcebook last month and sent me a message saying she had questions to ask me... .I asked her what, and she never replied to me. This told me that she either decided against asking me, or it was something bad and she didn't want me to screen shot to potentially show my ex. It had my curiosity up.

you ask me where I am with detachment. It was bad the last year, and I missed her every day. It was not only until I began studying BPD this last month or say, that I saw all the Red Flags and now I feel like our relationship was fake, and so was she. It makes it easier to move on. Right now, I feel anger.

Something weird that I always tell people is that when I feel I am moving on, something pops up relating to her. Whether it our anniversary date, or running into someone we both know.

Well, last month, I went to come home and she doesn't know where I live. I go to walk up to my apartment and guess who is there... .in the pool directly in front of my place? The ex and her girlfriend and friends. My ex stops and awkwardly says hi, confused that i live here. I keep walking and she says "do you live here" I say yes, continue walking go back to my apartment.

I get a text moments later, from her phone. Except, it wasn't her texting. It was her girl friend, who proceeds to tell me to come down and hang out. Obviously, i say no that would be weird. Then she once again, brings up wanting to ask me questions. I tell her just ask me, and she refuses to ask via text. She is texting me from my exes phone and saying she is deleting the texts as we talk so my ex does not see.

She says she would only ask in person, i guess so i can't screen shot. This brings up my curiosity. is she questioning my exes mental state? She herself seems to be loopy so i doubt she'd even notice my exes odd behavior. She told me that she "doesn't talk about these things in text" and "she wants to know how i felt"  Not how i feel... .how i felt.

She never ended up asking because i didn't go down there.
What could she possibly be wanting to inquire about?

[drained1996]

indifferent28,

You seem to have a lot of contact with the ex, the replacement, and the ex's family.  Have you thought about going NC to protect yourself and your feelings?  In my experience this really helped in my healing process. 
Do you still have a desire to reconnect?

[Indifferent28]

Drained1996,

We have 100 percent zero contact. I also do not speak to her family or friends. I've just seen comments, and posts of them together, though we aren't facebook friends.

We were in contact every day because we worked together after the break up. But then she lost her job, and now we do not speak to each other at all.

When she texted me durin the break up, that was months ago. So its about 4 months of complete no contact via text or person.

I don't know if i have a true desire to reconnect, as she is not the same person now.
If she got help, and there was a tiny glimmer of hope to get back who I had in the beginning, then I may consider it.

I know right now, i need to focus on moving on.

[kc sunshine]

BPD and alcoholism and totally related/co-morbid... .it is something like 70%. Those are some terrible odds.

[Indifferent28]

damn. That is very sad. It makes the odds of them realizing they have a problem even less likely, because they're constantly plastered :/

[Herodias]

Mine drank every day. Allot! He told me it was to drown out the voices in his head (his own). That he needed to numb himself so he wouldn't feel the pain of the emptiness he felt. He also is a cutter for the same reason. It was a horrible experience. If he could get pills he would get them too... .that was awful to deal with. He would end up in the hospital or rehab after all of the "incidents" (that's what he calls them). He has tried to tell me that since he is not with me anymore, that he has not had any incidents. I believe this is because the replacement has cop friends and a close friend that is a therapist. I am dying for one of them to contact me! Yours didn't write back, they probably got afraid. I would have said to them, if you are contacting me about my ex- look up personality disorders... .even if they didn't ask!  When the "stalker" wrote to me about my ex... .she wouldn't respond after the first question either. I told her that  I had recently found out my ex had 6 affairs during my marriage, then asked if she was another one?  That gave her enough info on him! I am pretty blunt. He is claiming he is drinking less due to having a baby, yet he lies. I know he was trying to get this girl to drink with him. I don't think she was much of a drinker and I certainly think she would not be doing it with a 6 week old baby! They drink to hide their pain and to drown out who they are. They mirror who they are with because they don't have a real personality... .at least that s what they say. I think they mirror to fit in with someone and not be outcast. I do believe mine has his own personality, but he doesn't really know who he is. He didn't think it was ok to be himself and he cannot be alone. So as a immature person may do, he mirrored the person he could quickly hook up with to not be alone and pretend to be what she wants so she doesn't throw him out on the street. I think the true person starts to come out eventually- When they decide this is not the life they really want. Mine is acting like he wants kids, yet with me he acted like he didn't. Which is it? Who knows, but he told me he knows he is too selfish to have kids and he knows he is not responsible enough for a cat! He doesn't like crying. I have no idea how this is going, but I think it has to be dreadful for her. I am sure he is still drinking allot, because he told me she doesn't like it either. He never stuck with AA or any kind of support group or help to stop. I am sure he is not happy. He told me he will never be happy. I am convinced this is true. He just makes it look that way on Facebook so he can fit in. My big question is - he had a heroin addict gf and when he left her, he quit heroin. If this current gf doesn't drink will he quit? I quit drinking and he never quit when I asked him to while with me... .so I don't think so- I think they need something to numb themselves.

[Indifferent28]

Herodias,

So all of your relationship with him, he was in this bad behavior? It sounds like it's been a life-long pattern of bad habits for him. Does that help you to not want him back?

And well, i figured the girl was inquiring about her mental health. But the girl is just so "carefree" and like, free spirited to where I don't think she sees a thing wrong with my ex. In fact, as dumb as it sounds, i'm pretty protective of my ex over this girl. I know, from talk from one person to another, that she wanted to dump my ex a month long into the relationship. I am almost certain, this girl was using my ex for money. This is when my ex began to have severe financial problems and ultimately lost her job.

No your ex definitely should not be drinking around a little baby. People make irrational decisions when drunk, so i can only imagine what a BPD mind would do when drunk.

I don't get any of this though. Can they ever fall in love? I mean, can they ever find someone that is compatible with them, to where they are the one? My ex and i were great together, and she really had not done any of the behaviors she is doing now. She also wasn't "mean" to me either like a lot here seem to be. Just an emotionall ball of sadness, but she never once doubted her love for me our entire relationship.

She, like your ex, told me before she is incapable of being alone, even if she doesn't like who she is with.
What do you tell your ex about the kids situation, since you know he didn't want kids before? My ex did the same, and it's shocking to me. Does it make you wonder if you ever knew his actual intentions, as in, if he never actaully wanted kids?
how long have him and the replacement been together?

I thought the replacement was a rebound or just an attempt to not be alone but it's been going on 9 months now so.

It does seem they put on Facebook as if their life is so incredible, without problems. My ex doesn't even have her own friends anymore. They are all the GF's friends.

My ex did quit drinking while we were together. We would occasionally drink while watching a funny movie then i thought it began to be too much so i advised we stopped. We did, and we both felt better.

now she's at a peak of drinking, getting high, and just having no real goals.

If they never stop numbing themselves, do they never get help? What is ROCK BOTTOM for a consistent alcoholic BPD?

[Tobiasfunke]

Yes.

[Herodias]

Yes, unfortunately I felt sorry for him and put up with all of this for the 10 years I knew him- married almost 8. He had been with the current gf in 2013. He broke it off with her when they got caught together at work.  I believe they started up again in Jan. 2015. It wasn't on Facebook until May- she got pregnant in August. I'm sure he's cheating on her already as he told me he didn't want to marry her due to the future women. There are many reasons to not want him back. I was trauma bonded to him. He's a horrible person. He told me he can manipulate her, so that makes him happy for now. I think they could find someone who is compatible- but because they shift from seeing people as all good or all bad- they never will. Mine expects to not live past 50- he is 35. He has a plan for himself he says. I think he'll chicken out. He's tested it out allot. I told him he will probably live until he's 100. Only the good die young. We used to have dark conversations. That's part of why we got along. He's not happy. He hates himself. He told me losing his job was rock bottom- I doubt it. I understand your not wanting to say anything yet. I think it's the next persons lesson to learn. Since this one cheated on her husband with mine- I believe she had a huge lesson to learn. She has a constant reminder. I really don't think he wanted kids. His mom said so too. He is only doing this for attention because his sister had one. He will be tired of it soon I'm sure. He doesn't like not getting all of the attention. Mine keeps making friends on Facebook with anyone and everyone. Especially people with kids. It's really crazy.

[StayStrongNow]

So your ex basically became the other person, the replacement, right? Exactly what my ex has done. Does she still view your children as ball and chains? Does it fluctuate? Is your exes new replacement rich, or are you asking if my exes new replacement is?

No the replacement is the new boyfriend soon to be new husband.

She may view the children as balls and chains but she has limited parenting time (when I am at work only) and court ordered no overnights. But her public intoxication multiple arrests occurred in the morning so she may view them as balls and chains still. I don't really know.

I was thinking of my stbxBPDw's mother who is BPD married to a rich NPD. One of the traits is compulsive spending and shopping with the BPD mother and her husband has lots of money. Perfect comparability as so I read and they have been married some 19 or 20 years.

Your ex and the new guy will crash and burn in short order, I'd stay away from that ticking time bomb, avoid any recycling and go with a strict plan of NC.

And to answer your last question if I have any hope...

I am like most NONs on this site, same emotions, same thoughts.
I really wish this didn't happen, it did, it's miserable, but for me I know the only future misery is that I will have to deal with her because of our children. I like to take the view now that I would want to fantasize laying on a lounge chair watch the inevitable foreworks and bombs go off at a distance for BPDers will do what they do best, fly high, glide for a while, run into turbulence then crash land.

That day will come so I just need to be close enough when again the Department of Child and Family services call me to take full custody of the kids. They have my number, they know my stbx.

[StayStrongNow]

Go NC

[rj47]

My ex never told me she had BPD. She told me when we dated she thought she was bipolar.

I've read that BPD and BiPolar are co-morbid for up to 20% of bipolar diagnoses. Doesn't matter if its one or the other when alcohol and/or drugs are part of the mix as well. Its a dangerous combination. I lived with someone that mixed all four for many years. Then I didn't and reclaimed my own sanity.

Go NC.

[ICantFixHer]

My ex, the skunk -- hi! -- remains an alcoholic. She has proven unable to refrain from alcohol for any length of time. She stopped once for maybe 6 months.

All that said, guess who is at fault? Me. I enabled her. After a few weeks of her being sober, I felt guilty that I was having a whiskey sour while she sipped water. I know it's stupid but eventually I said something like, "If you want a glass of wine go ahead, just, you know, keep it within reason. You know what you're capable of with your filters removed (such as they are)."

Within a couple of months she was back to drinking 2 bottles of wine a night, and subsequently telling me what a disgrace I was as a man, and how she could do so, so much better than me.

Raising a toast to me getting out of her nightmare idea of a relationship. Cheers!

[Herodias]

Yes, mine would stop for a few weeks after an "incident"... .which would be a car accident, rehab, huge fight with police involved, or hospital stay... .he always went back to it. Even hid it in the car trunk and other places as alcoholics do. I think that being an alcoholic and being a personality disordered person are two things. When these two are combined it is even more toxic than one alone. I thought if mine would quit drinking, he would act better. I found out this was not true at all... .He was still mean, still threatening and still did stupid things. He always told me he had a plan for me... .I told people he told me that just in case I end up missing or dead. He told me this stuff even when he wasn't drinking. Scary. Drinking only makes it worse, they still are who they are without it!

[Fr4nz]

Can the alcohol make themselves even more blind to themselves?

One of the BPD hallmarks is the observation of patterns of substance abuse, be it beer, wine, cocaine, weed, etc.
In turn, substances are used to relieve inner pain (be it feelings of emptiness, loneliness, past memories that cause hurt, etc.) or to feel "alive", i.e., to feel "strong" emotions.

Obviously -- depending on the individual and the substance(s) used -- substance abuse can alter dramatically their behaviours; indeed, BPD traits get much worse when they get "high", so much that it is not uncommon to see a dramatic, temporary shift in their personality (something along the lines of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde). I see it like a temporary "slippage" of the normalcy mask they use to manage their profound inner problems.

So far the technical details; now my 2 cents.

My ex is a sommellier, and an excellent one! She loves wine... .so much that she has big problems with it.
She's not an alcoholic in the traditional sense (though, I wouldn't put my hand on fire... .maybe she was able to hide the extent of this problem, since we had a medium-distance r/s, so I got to see her mostly during weekends), in the sense that she has problems with binge-drinking -- she got extremely drunk almost every weekend.

The "relationship" she has with alcohol caused her huge problems in the past; just to mention a few, 2 road accidents (in 2009 and 2013, while she was driving her scooter on the brink of ethilic coma) where she seriously risked her own life, an unwanted pregnancy, incredible scenes with friends, lovers, parents (out of nothing, obviously), etc. She even almost had sex, in front of my eyes, with my replacement, while she was half-drunk... .

To cut it short, when she gets drunk, 90% of times she becomes simply unmanageable, i.e., even the most feeble breeze  of air was sufficient to ignite huge anger and fights.
Problem is, she's in an almost complete denial about this problem, and every attempt I made to tackle the issue was met with incredible anger and reality distortion.

[Indifferent28]

Reading all of these replies is sad, yet enlightening. It's just really sad to think these people will not come to their senses, or ever be able to get any sort of help for BPD, as they don't even realize they have it. 

It's also interesting how very different every BPD case seems to be on here.
Some exes show no sympathy, while some show sympathy then lack of sympathy a day later.
Some did not degrade their partners, while some seem like they came from a tv series of psychopaths.

Do most of your exes KNOW they are BPD, or even that you suspect they are BPD?
My ex has no idea she is, or that I think/know she is. Like i said, she just has said before she "may" be bipolar, and as another user in this thread noted, she could be bipolar and BPD.

I just don't get why if their significant other would tell them they have BPD, they wouldn't at least look into it, given they idealized them so much.

[Fr4nz]

Do most of your exes KNOW they are BPD, or even that you suspect they are BPD?
My ex has no idea she is, or that I think/know she is. Like i said, she just has said before she "may" be bipolar, and as another user in this thread noted, she could be bipolar and BPD.

My ex definitely knows she is "peculiar" (she even boasted this often, telling me that she's addictive for men), yet she has no idea about the nature and extent of her psychological issues.