What my relationship is a proxy for

[joeramabeme]

Interesting thought.  The loss of my marriage is so much more than the loss of a partner.  Yes, she was BPD and this, at times, has been an obsession for me. Yet, when I mourn the loss of the marriage and wonder why she doesn't have the same feelings or how she could simply walk away so nonchalantly I, at moments, realize that my grieving is more than just the loss of a partner.

It is a life journey that we are all embarking on.  For me; I built dreams, found solace and purpose, filled some voids and saw a divine hand in my life - perhaps for the first time - that my marriage represented.  So when I come to this board and share the sadness we all have, I also have to remember that the sadness is more than just a person with BPD leaving my life; it is all the personal meaning that I had associated to the same.

I suppose in some regards, this is where many of us got into trouble in that our relationships were a proxy for something else that could not be fully met and we kept trying to get it to do so.  Such a slippery slope, determining what to hold onto post-divorce and what to let go of; what was healthy and what is unhealthy.

I say all this as a reminder to myself, and possibly as an awareness for others, that my mourning although most often expressed as the sadness of a failed marriage to an uBPDw, is actually the mourning of so much more.  I feel it is important to acknowledge that it is not just her that I am sad about, it is the loss of what represents my personal framework of intimate relationship and associated life experiences that is also being mourned.

July is my one-year anniversary of her departure after a 14 year r/s (11 married) and these are some of my reflections.

JRB

[jhkbuzz]

I feel it is important to acknowledge that it is not just her that I am sad about, it is the loss of what represents my personal framework of intimate relationship and associated life experiences that is also being mourned.

It took me a loong time to recognize that ^. I poured so many hopes and dreams into the r/s that I really felt like someone had reached in and ripped my heart out of my chest when it ended. Differentiating the pain (over her vs. over my own hopes and dreams) was helpful because it helped me regain some power over my life. It wasn't all about her - thank goodness.

It's still tough sometimes, though. I'm still trying to find my footing.

[HurtinNW]

Yes. This.

I am not just mourning the loss of the relationship. I am mourning the loss of a redemption dream, the idea that I had finally found something I thought I would never had, and was afraid I was not worth. The relationship was proxy for all my losses and needs, including the loss of a mother love I didn't get. It was going to be my redemption story, the one where I implicitly showed my dead mother and everyone else they were wrong, that I am loveable.

A lot riding on a relationship... .not just for him but for me. As the article says, it was a very "loaded" relationship.

It was a Big Love for me. And, I think, a Big Love for him. Too much, perhaps, for both of us, and not healthy in many ways.

[Sadly]

You are all ambassadors so I feel a bit awkward and I am not sure I have the words you have but I too acknowledge losses far greater than the loss of the man I love with all my heart. My mother who loved me but didn't know how to hold me or cuddle me. Not once do I remember sitting on her knee or feelin her arms around me. She didn't know how. The loss of my childhood that ended when I was constantly raped by my grandfather as a young child. The loss of my own babies one by natural causes and my two boys taken from me by their father. When I met my ex 40 years later I thought it was a gift to me, at last, I was loved in ways I could only dream about. Of all these losses this seems like the final betrayal but the grief I feel now I know is for all of it. If I believed in God I would say God bless us all, but I can't so instead may we all be blessed by compassion and friendship.

[VitaminC]

The relationship was proxy for all my losses and needs, including the loss of a mother love I didn't get.  

A lot riding on a relationship... .not just for him but for me. As the article says, it was a very "loaded" relationship.

Me too. I had had a long and really good relationship for years. When that ended, 5 years of so-so connections followed and I was always seeking that strong bond with another human - an intellectual, emotional, and physical bond that would raise me up again to where I felt clear and glorious.

I wasn't expecting it, and then it happened. Or so I thought. And even when it became clear that something was not quite right in the emotional department, I wanted that intensity enough to put up with over a year's worth of horribleness.

And when I mourned, I realised that the same thing had been plaguing me all the years - the lack of acceptance and understanding from my father. Who did his best, of course he did, but it wasn't enough and I was trying to fill big gaping holes in myself in a really unhealthy way.  I wrote reams, about 15000 words, figuring it out and when I got that clear in my head I was very very very sad. Because I realised how much I had invested and how much of it was was just fantasy and willful self-deception for me. "See me, see me" was my constant, silent, refrain. I was prepared to put up with a lot for the increasingly elusive sense of being seen and appreciated.

I think I saw, and loved, him. His frailty and oddness and prickliness, his depressions and inability to function for more than a day or so at a time. I could have dealth with that. His fears and paranoia.

But not his cruelty, his lack of empathy even with his own kid, and his dishonesty even with himself. Those things were too much in the end.

What I'm left with now is how much I needed to be right in my choice. I needed it so much so that I could earn back something that was owed to me from my childhood. That was way too much to expect of even a healthy individual, nevermind one so ill-adapted to life and relationships.

[HurtinNW]

What a beautiful and heartfelt post, Sadly. Sadly, I had a horrible childhood too, with sex abuse, and I know so much of what this relationship meant to me was thinking I had finally found someone who would love me, all of me including my history. I thought I had found safe shelter. To be hurt by that person and to lose that dream has felt like the worst betrayal, and the grief is profound. Hugs to you    

[Sadly]

Thanks Hurtin
I have been thinking there is something wrong with me. I very quickly lost the anger at my BPDx once I understood BPD. I also lost the anger at myself for allowing it to happen because again I discovered codependent traits in me because of my past and how much I actually enabled him. I read about all the anger here that lasts for months and years even and wonder if I have got it wrong somehow. Should I be able to get this stage so quickly. Just read it back, sounds silly but it's how I am thinking. I was never angry at my mum, her mother didn't physically show her love either but the thing is, I know she loved me very much so it's ok. BUT. My anger at my grandfather lives on in me, a smouldering bubbling rage deep down inside and I don't care what psychologists or godbotherers say, I don't want to get rid of it. I loathe and despise him and if he wasn't dead already I would kill him. Do you feel like that about the sick person that molested you?   xx

[HurtinNW]

Sadly,

I have a great therapist now who actually encourages me to stay in the anger. Anger can be very healthy, especially if you were a child victim. Anger is our way of saying No More, of saying we are worth being treated better. The problem is when anger becomes a shield against self-reflection. Or when we get stuck in it.

I'm no longer angry at the persons who molested me, I feel I dealt with that, but I am probably older than you and it took many, many years. I let myself be as angry as I wanted. I was and still am angry with my mother because she's the one who put me in that spot. That anger is slowly resolving.

For me the big thing is if we can still self-reflect. I am angry with my ex and feel it is time for me to move on. I had a big thread in deciding called "Cleaning up my Side of the Street" which was me starting to really examine my role. It's not about assigning blame, it's about looking at how the relationship functioned. How are you doing with processing everything that happened and trying to learn from it?

Feeling like there is something wrong with you is a classic symptom of childhood sex abuse. There is nothing wrong with you. You probably have flaws, we all do. Feeling there is something wrong with you is one reason we get involved in unhealthy relationships where our needs are not respected. That's probably the major reason I stayed with my abusive ex. Because of my childhood abuse I am very vulnerable to being told I am crazy and wrong. I finally got to a point where I remember telling a friend, "Even if the things he says about me are true I don't want to be treated this way." That was part of the final end, where I began setting boundaries for myself and following through. Now that the FOG is clearing I can see how he was projecting.

Hugs to you, fellow survivor   And if it helps, I have friends who were abused as kids and are now in very happy, healthy marriages.

[Sadly]

Thanks Hurtin this does help. I have been really really angry with my ex and myself, but it's all gone. I cannot be angry with him, he is seriously ill and I am no longer angry with me though for the longest time raged against myself for allowing myself to be treated like dirt, this has gone too. I have accepted unconditionaly his illness and learnt a lot about my codependency that enabled him however the anger is gone. I do however struggle with my grief and loss as I still love him very much and know it is hopeless. I am 4 days NC today and thought I wasn't doing too badly but this afternoon I was swamped with sorrow, cried with my whole body, clenched my fists so hard I have half moon bruises and violently vomited. I don't feel good right now and am craving contact even though I know how hopeless it would be. It's good you have dealt with your demon and great you are working on the one with your mother, that must be so hard. I had a shock when I found out that my grandfather raped his own daughters, my aunties when they were little girls. I only found this out a few years ago when my only girl cousin was drunk one New Year's Eve and asked if our grandad had ever tried to touch me. My shock was overwhelming as I had told no one in my family. I sat with my Aunt the next day and she told me everything including that my other aunt was in complete denial. At first I was so angry, if they had said something then it would never have happened to me! My aunt said all she did was ensure my cousin was never ever left alone with him to keep her safe. I remember crying yes but no one kept me safe. I eventually forgave them though because I understood why they had kept quiet, the same reason I had. So, no anger, I'm not an angry person. But I loathe that man with every fibre of my being. I don't care what anyone says, I would not be a better person if I forgave him. I like me well enough. Gawd sorry, I do seem to have gone on a bit   xx

[HurtinNW]

I totally understand those feelings around not being protected. Same for me. Please don't let others tell you how to feel. Your anger at him is you standing up for yourself.

Are in in therapy at all? Support group? I have found getting that kind of help so good for me.

The withdrawals from our exes are very real. I had physical symptoms too. Are you taking care of yourself? What kind of self-care are you doing? Walking, hot baths, can you take time off work if that helps? I took a lot of hot baths. I would sit and read my copy of From Abandonment to Healing a lot, its pretty tattered now. I also came here and posted a bunch too.

JRB, hope we didn't thread-jack too much from your lovely comments.

[iluminati]

Allow me to come at this issue from a different perspective.  I was the one who chose to leave, and it was my BPDex-w that was the heartbroken one.  She stalled the divorce as much as possible, and wondered why we couldn't just stay together for appearances.

Despite that, I still felt heartbroken anyway.  Realizing that all those hopes and dreams were a lie was a painful experience for me.  The truth that the woman I thought I married was but a creation, a work, to exploit my intimacy for someone else's selfish purposes was cold.  Finally, taking my daughter from her mother hurt a lot.  It still bothers me to this day.

I say all of that to say that it's painful no matter who pulls the trigger to end the relationship.

[Sadly]

Thanks, and yes sorry JKB, these threads bring stuff out and it's easy to go off at a tangent.
Well I have a number to call for a helpline which I will do. I am between contracts so not working at moment which is good as I threw up my last job because I couldn't concentrate with my life unraveling. I do have long baths and my copy of that book arrived last week so I am slowly making my way through it. I take pills to sleep at night but still walke up many times so don't know what good they are really. Thank you so much for caring.   xx

[Sadly]

Hello Iluminati
Yes, I too made the choice and ended it although in my case there was no visible heartbreak, yet, just steaming anger and lots of " good riddance to bad rubbish" comments which is what I expected. It must be awful for you to have done what you did especially with your child but very very brave. I know the heartbreak isn't a perogative of the one who is left and the crashing of dreams is equal. It must help a lot to know that your child is safe with you. X

[joeramabeme]

JRB, hope we didn't thread-jack too much from your lovely comments.

Thanks HurtinNW, glad that this post was able to illicit such deep responses. 

Sadly, hang in there.  4 days NC is very fresh.  Glad you are with us here on the board, there are a lot of great people who have been where you are at and can relate and help and know that there is a brighter side to all of this.

Best, JRB

[Sadly]

Thanks JRB
there are some wonderful people here for sure, my lifeline in fact.