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Author Topic: Girlfriend of exBPD friend doesn't know he has BPD  (Read 526 times)
Hopefulgirl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113


« on: June 16, 2016, 06:04:31 PM »

My ex lover has BPD... .we are still friends but his new girlfriend doesn't know he has it. Should I tell her? She is slandering me to him and her friends because she hates that we are still friends and she somehow thinks the troubles in their relationship are because of me! i know he is not in love with her and compulsively lies to her and is only with her because she supports him financially. She is a good person but completely codependent. She wanted to marry him after knowing him a few weeks. She knows he has some kind of mental instability, but seems to think if she provides him with a place to stay and says loving things to him everything is going to be ok.




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Herodias
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2016, 07:44:48 PM »

Usually they say not to tell the next person because they will not believe you anyway. I am sure he is slandering you as well and you don't know it. You think you are friends, but are you?  What is your goal here?  If you tell her and she leaves him, then he is mad at you. If you tell her and she doesn't leave, then you just save her some time if she even looks into it. I have not told my exes gf because I believe she is supposed to learn a lesson in life... .a much bigger one than I ever did, since he had a child with her. At least it keeps him out of my hair. I would ask you to think about the reason you want to tell her... .
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2016, 08:09:24 PM »

I am with Herodias on this. It probably isn't a good idea to say anything especially if she is slandering you to him. It might end up looking like you are doing it to get him back.

Last month, stbx was bragging to me about his latest love interest. I asked him if he told this lady the truth. I made reference to her being his next victim. Anyway, after he continued to rub my nose in how much he loved this woman and how they had such a strong connection, blah, blah, blah, I contacted her and talked to her. It went really well. She ended up blocking him and thanking me for it. He had already done some things that she saw as huge red flags and she was not sure about things. The stuff I told her simply confirmed that her instincts were right. It worked this way because she was a relatively healthy person. She would have ditched him anyway. Most women do end up ditching him.

The only people that are likely going to hang around to be in a relationship with him are people that are just as unhealthy as him. If she is healthy, she will figure it out on her own. If she isn't, then trying to contact her could create all sorts of craziness that you may not want or need. It is better not to insert yourself into the situation at all. I can tell you from experience that it isn't worth it. That woman ditched him so now he is on to the next person. I can't spend the rest of my life chasing down the people he is seeing to tell them that he is messed up. I have to let it go and know that it is no longer any of my business. My best friend chided me a bit when I told her what I did. She got on to me a bit and told me to get me ego out of this. She is right.

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Hopefulgirl
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 113


« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2016, 04:17:55 PM »

Both of you have given me good advice and I thank you.  You are right. i think saying anything to her will stir up a new unending circle of craziness I cant endure and I think she would think Im telling her to try to break them up. It doesnt seem fair that Im being made into some bad guy by her... .my good reputation has been damaged but Ive set myself up by remaining friends with him. She goes on social media and brags about finding her true love, the one she is going to be with forever and how lucky she is (?) and says alot of things to rub my face in their relationship (complete with pictures). The mean part of me wishes to say "Your're in fairytale land".

His dog had died and he was very distraught and sobbing so i came to his apartment because I was so worried about him (he asked me too) and I stopped by and left some food at his door for him on way to work the next day not realizing she had flown 1000 miles back from a business trip to be with him. According to him, she wasnt even his girlfriend at the time.  Since then she has told everyone I am stalking them. Its just the most crazy thing Ive encountered my whole life. Its the most pitiful thing to be 40 yrs old and write to another woman while crying and say"for the love of God, please stop trying to destroy me. Its pointless". He told me once that he feared she had lost her mind over him and I wanted to say OF COURSE SHE HAS! instead i said No, she hasnt, she's lost HERSELF and I know it because there was a time I almost did.
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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2016, 10:35:22 PM »

Hi Hopefulgirl,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. There's good triangulation and there's bad triangulation, this would be the latter, it would keep the blame and drama going along a triangle.  To her your the persecutor and she's rescuing your ex, I see that you're not taking either polarized sides. It helps to identify drama triangles and stay out of them.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Leonis
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Relationship status: Separated
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« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2016, 03:36:33 AM »

Let the tower collapse on itself in time.
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