Will She Cycle Through Again?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I miss her, it has only been around a week since she told me she can't see me anymore.  She shared that it broke her heart to do it.  Previously she has split when I've brought up anything I was concerned with in her behavior.  She'd be gone for a week or so and then come back and apologize.  This last time it was different.  She left town for Father's Day and contacted me Sunday morning to let me know she was hung over after spending time with another guy in her home town.  I kept my feelings to myself, because I knew she'd shut down if I spoke up.  My plan was to confront her about this when we saw each other next.  Unfortunately she kept sending me messages saying I was short with her and that she knew I was upset.  When I finally told her I was upset she didn't offer me a time to talk it out, only that we were ok and I didn't need to worry.  She'd then say, "Have fun with your dad!"  Eventually I shared with her my fears and she got really angry.  She stopped all communication.  I stopped by her house on my way home that night and she asked me to leave, proclaiming she would not talk to me until she was ready.  Two days later she sent me a text saying "I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG" and that it broke her heart, but that she could not see me anymore. 

What happened here?  She's cycled through four other times, but I'm fearful this is it.  I cannot contact her as she told me she was scared when I stopped by... .  What do I do?  I'm in counseling and trying to date, but it's been so difficult.  I need some help and support. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. I've recently gone through something similar, but not to the extremes that you have.

I agree that you shouldn't contact her if she doesn't want you to.

You said some things that you might reflect on:

I miss her, it has only been around a week since she told me she can't see me anymore.  She shared that it broke her heart to do it.  Previously she has split when I've brought up anything I was concerned with in her behavior.  She'd be gone for a week or so and then come back and apologize.  This last time it was different.  She left town for Father's Day and contacted me Sunday morning to let me know she was hung over after spending time with another guy in her home town.  I kept my feelings to myself, because I knew she'd shut down if I spoke up.  My plan was to confront her about this when we saw each other next.  Unfortunately she kept sending me messages saying I was short with her and that she knew I was upset.  When I finally told her I was upset she didn't offer me a time to talk it out, only that we were ok and I didn't need to worry.  She'd then say, "Have fun with your dad!"  Eventually I shared with her my fears and she got really angry.  She stopped all communication. I stopped by her house on my way home that night and she asked me to leave, proclaiming she would not talk to me until she was ready.  Two days later she sent me a text saying "I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG" and that it broke her heart, but that she could not see me anymore. 

What happened here?  She's cycled through four other times, but I'm fearful this is it.  I cannot contact her as she told me she was scared when I stopped by... . What do I do?  I'm in counseling and trying to date, but it's been so difficult.  I need some help and support. 

While I think that you are well within your rights, and that you should, express your concerns and feelings, is there possibly a way to do so without her instantly feeling attacked? I ask because I don't know her, don't know what you actually said to her, and don't know the extent of disorder. Sometimes it isn't what we say as much as how we say it.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I don't know how else to talk with her.  She only wants to deal with difficult issues via text.  Then anything I say, the tone, and intent can be misinterpreted.  She was abused in a previous relationship and had a fiancé pass away after that relationship.  She has been "single" for the last six or seven years.  I wanted us to discuss this in person and I'm not sure why she kept bringing it up over text.  Perhaps me giving her so much space and freedom made her feel unwanted... .  I don't really know, but I would love to talk this out, because that's what helps me to better understand what is going on with me.  I know I can't do anything for her unless she asks and I'll NEVER contact a woman who has said she was scared when I stopped by or, even worse, said she is scared of me. 

I love her enough to stay away if she needs that.  It just hurts so much to find someone, start falling for them, and then they leave and don't seem to be effected in any way.  I know this seems like a trivial thing to many, it has only been since early March, but I love her.  I'm in more pain than I could have ever imagined.

[Meili]

I understand the pain; I've lived it (and still am in many ways). The quality and importance of a r/s isn't judged by its length. I have seen people who have been married for over 50 years who have a horrible r/s. I've watched people madly in love after a few months.

I'm not sure that communicating via text isn't a horrible thing right now. It gives both you an opportunity to pause and think before you respond. But, most importantly, if that's how she feels safe and comfortable, you should give that a lot of credence. Trying to force her to do something just because it is more comfortable to you that way could be seen as really invalidating to you. I know that isn't fair, but fairness isn't actually part of the equation in a BPD r/s.

You might gain some insight on ways to and not to say to help make her feel safe from page on Communication Skills - Validation and this thread that discusses some tools and techniques for validating.

[schwing]

Hi SheAskedForaBreak,

This last time it was different.  She left town for Father's Day and contacted me Sunday morning to let me know she was hung over after spending time with another guy in her home town.  I kept my feelings to myself, because I knew she'd shut down if I spoke up.  My plan was to confront her about this when we saw each other next.  Unfortunately she kept sending me messages saying I was short with her and that she knew I was upset. 

I think when people with BPD (pwBPD) are on their "breaks" with us, they are hopeful that we can detach from them in the same way that they seem to detach from us.  My uBPDgf wanted me to try an "open" relationship for a time and I was desperate/confused enough to be willing.  And it stayed like this for a while because my uBPDgf had not yet found a stable replacement.  And whenever she felt I was distancing myself, she would seduce me very aggressively.  I all but forgot that we were in an "open" relationship -- I couldn't imagine that she could appear to love me as she did and still wanted to be with other people.  My denial was I believe she felt about me the way I felt about her.  Maybe she believed the same thing.  It was only when she found a stable replacement that it became clear to me that we felt very differently.

When I finally told her I was upset she didn't offer me a time to talk it out, only that we were ok and I didn't need to worry.  She'd then say, "Have fun with your dad!"  Eventually I shared with her my fears and she got really angry.  She stopped all communication.  I stopped by her house on my way home that night and she asked me to leave, proclaiming she would not talk to me until she was ready.  Two days later she sent me a text saying "I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG" and that it broke her heart, but that she could not see me anymore. 

Maybe your BPDgf wanted to believe that you'd be ok with her finding new attachments.  Maybe when it became clear to her that you weren't going to be ok with her doing what she needs to do, *and* she can't bear to hear how much pain she put you in; literally she cannot bear to hear your side, so she shut you out.  I imagine she considered it until it overwhelmed her; she probably split herself black (i.e., "I am such a bad person because I put SheAskedForaBreak through such pain" until something snapped and then she projected it away.

This is why now she believes she did "absolutely nothing wrong."  I would argue that it's more than that.  She probably now believes that you drove her to do what she did.

What happened here?  She's cycled through four other times, but I'm fearful this is it. 

I'm guessing that this time she found a stable replacement.  She cut you off this time because she can cut you off.  She has sufficient emotional support that she doesn't need yours any longer.  Maybe this will change in the future.  Maybe not.

I cannot contact her as she told me she was scared when I stopped by... .  What do I do?  I'm in counseling and trying to date, but it's been so difficult.  I need some help and support. 

The thing is, you cannot detach in the same way that she did.  You need to do what she cannot.  You need to grieve for your lost relationship.  And in so doing you will learn from it.  This is something that I don't believe pwBPD can do.  They cannot grieve because that emotion is too much for them to handle and so they run away from the grief.  And consequently they can neither learn from their experience.  And this is why they continue to repeat the same cycles of unstable interpersonal relationships that we read all about here in these forums.

She was abused in a previous relationship and had a fiancé pass away after that relationship.  She has been "single" for the last six or seven years.  I wanted us to discuss this in person and I'm not sure why she kept bringing it up over text. 

I think she is bringing this up because these are the things she's processing.  Maybe she was abused in a previous relationship.  Maybe she had a fiance pass away.  As I see it, this may be how she re-imagined how her previous relationships ended.  She might be re-imagining her relationship with you in the same way.  Maybe that is why she is afraid of you - she has re-imagined that you have been abusive towards her.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[livednlearned]

She is trying to avoid feeling shame (a core part of BPD) while piling it on herself. This is a tough cycle for her. A bad feeling is followed by bad thoughts, followed by bad actions, which lead to more bad feelings, the cycle perpetuates. When she texts you about difficult subjects, she may be looking for reinforcement that she is bad -- this is a form of self-invalidation.

To help save the relationship, we have to stop making this cycle worse. Sometimes we have to interact in non-intuitive ways. She is not likely to give you a realistic view of the relationship, though she can give you realistic views of her feelings. It's the feelings we learn to validate. When her emotions are regulated, she is less likely to land in an emotional whirlpool that just confuses you even more.

Does that make sense?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

This may be the most helpful response I've gotten.  It does make complete sense.  In fact it helps me make sense of what her reactions are.  She can't deal with how I make her feel, the good or the bad.  When she's come back and I'm kind to her and tell her it's ok that she split she tells me she doesn't deserve my willingness to talk to her.  Several of my friends think it's very likely she'll be back, despite her harsh words and treatment.  I just don't know how to really move on.  I'm dating, but sex with strangers is a poor substitute for love.  I'll read over the tools mentioned in one of the other posts, but what do I do to forget her?  What do I do to move on?  If she comes back I don't want to be this weak, she will completely take advantage of me again.

She is trying to avoid feeling shame (a core part of BPD) while piling it on herself. This is a tough cycle for her. A bad feeling is followed by bad thoughts, followed by bad actions, which lead to more bad feelings, the cycle perpetuates. When she texts you about difficult subjects, she may be looking for reinforcement that she is bad -- this is a form of self-invalidation.

To help save the relationship, we have to stop making this cycle worse. Sometimes we have to interact in non-intuitive ways. She is not likely to give you a realistic view of the relationship, though she can give you realistic views of her feelings. It's the feelings we learn to validate. When her emotions are regulated, she is less likely to land in an emotional whirlpool that just confuses you even more.

Does that make sense?

[Meili]

but what do I do to forget her?  What do I do to move on?  If she comes back I don't want to be this weak, she will completely take advantage of me again.

The answer to that is simple, but putting it in practice is hard.

Since you cannot control her, the only part of the dynamic that you are in control of is you. So, to change the dynamic, you change you.

The hard part is looking at the dynamic, figuring out which part yo own and change those things about yourself that keep you stuck. Regardless of whether you decide to keep trying with her or move on, looking at those things helps.

[livednlearned]

If she comes back I don't want to be this weak, she will completely take advantage of me again.

Sometimes, our strength comes back when we feel effective. For me, this happened when I began to try validation with people in my life, and it worked. Validation is very easy to practice with non-disordered people, a bit more challenging with someone who has a disordered belief system, mostly because we have to stay centered when emotions start to escalate.

What do you think about taking time during this break to learn and practice validation?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I would like to learn more about validations techniques. 

If she comes back I don't want to be this weak, she will completely take advantage of me again.

Sometimes, our strength comes back when we feel effective. For me, this happened when I began to try validation with people in my life, and it worked. Validation is very easy to practice with non-disordered people, a bit more challenging with someone who has a disordered belief system, mostly because we have to stay centered when emotions start to escalate.

What do you think about taking time during this break to learn and practice validation?