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Author Topic: Pulled the Plug and gone No Contact  (Read 862 times)
DazedD40
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« on: June 18, 2016, 05:42:27 AM »

This has been the hardest thing to do since we split 6 weeks ago. During this period I have read up on BPD/NPD and my ex fits in like a glove. The first 3 weeks of the split were torturous, still is after week six, however after week 3 we started engaging again. She would start txts off and we kinda fell in to a pattern of messaging daily and almost acting like we were together. She'd tell me all the little things that were going on in her life just like we always had when we were together and this led to two face to face meetings at my place where she would charm me in to the bedroom the last time being last weekend. Cue more txts this week, upping her game, saying she loved me and missed me, saying how much she wished we'd had a child together and it's been during this past week that I could feel myself being pulled back in to things with her. The real sucker punch was having her daughter messaging me telling me she loved and missed me. Still not sure if that was her daughter or my ex playing games but it acted as a trigger for me in to remembering I've lost my family unit as well as my girlfriend. I've struggled with things this week and although I don't know for sure I think I've been triangulated with the new man. I'm really not sure but if her track record is correct then I'm pretty confident that she was latching on to her new supplies. She tried stressing to me that there was no one else at the moment and kept reinforcing her desire to be friends. I've got to a point in all of this where I felt I needed to hang on to what's left of my self respect as I started dreaming again, looking at our break up/back together patterns and started thinking, what if, and feeling those feelings of love once again. The constant niggle for me has been the thought of her tapping up her new supplies whilst remaining in constant contact with me, playing me for a muppet. We were supposed to meet for lunch but I decided to cancel for my own self preservation and this led to her kicking off at me about cancelling her, which I thought we had sorted out until later on in the evening when she randomly sent me a picture of us and her daughter at a wedding we recently attended. Now rather than looking at this positively I couldn't help but feel she sent it as a punishment for cancelling lunch that day. The picture hurt me as it was almost her way of saying, look at what you could have had.

As this weeks unfolded I saw my part in things and recognised she'd pulled me back in, that I had enabled her to do that as I fell hook line and sinker for the txts, the illusions that maybe there was hope for us. After loving texts from her on Thursday night she decided to go cold on me yesterday. Weekend is upon us, I've got my kids over, so I have no use to her this weekend. I've been hurting like hell this week and all of a sudden I recognised yesterday, after reading someone else's NC post, that for my own sanity I needed to follow suit.

So yesterday I decided that enough was enough. I sent her a loving, honest message stating why I can't buy in to illusions that aren't real and that I'm hurting so much that friends isn't possible especially as we can't stay boundaried with one another. Her response, anger and she replied with cold hearted replies. Apparently I'm a drama queen, balls in my court and "your weak, see yaa".
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DazedD40
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« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2016, 05:47:41 AM »

I blocked her number and am now on my first full day of no contact. She had no way of contacting me as I've locked everything down tightly. It feels weird, knowing that's it now and even weirder that I'm going against what I really want, us together. I know that's never going to be a possibility and for my own reasons this time I love  her so much and my natural setting is to try hanging on and hoping for us getting back together. It feels so strange to shut the door on the woman I love and although I feel ok this morning and feel I've done the right thing. I must detach tho and find a way of living in a world where she no longer can hurt, manipulate and emotionally abuse me. I personally think these past few weeks have acted as an attempt for her to finish me off. Everything now looks like a sneak attack. The txts, the sex, the love you's, were all set up to hurt me but she's not got that satisfaction this time as I've pulled the plug on her before she was able to execute her next hurtful play on me. My gut was screaming she was on the verge of pulling something out of the hat. I feel I have managed to salvage some self respect by getting out of her trap.

This is going to so hard to do as she's been there everyday for the past 4 years but I know I have to go through with this. Wish me luck.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2016, 07:04:42 AM »

Hi DazedD40,

I feel for you, and commend you for taking this step toward your recovery and healing. I know how hard it is to close a door on someone you love.  I'm sorry that it had to be this way, although I really understand why you feel NC is the way to go. It sounds like you need NC because you don't feel strong enough yet to resist the push/pull (mostly pull) dynamic. I was the same way. That's why I told pwBPD that I needed a period of NC to help me recover from the breakup. I'm glad you told her, too, so that if she does contact you (and I think she will), she will understand that you are serious about moving on. Once you've detached, contact won't be so triggering for you, and you can then see where things stand, and if/how you want to be in contact in the future.

I must detach tho and find a way of living in a world where she no longer can hurt, manipulate and emotionally abuse me.

Yes, this is it  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Your detachment may also free you from feeling that she is deliberately trying to hurt you. She might be, I don't know, but I'd lean more toward her behavior resulting from coping mechanisms that she feels she has to use to survive. BPD is a serious disorder and a person who has it, or traits, has a really rough road to travel (as do many of us). 

Hang in there, and keep us posted. We are cheering for you.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
DazedD40
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« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2016, 09:21:28 AM »

See that's my problem at the moment, not knowing what's real and what's not! It's really hard to separate her from the BPD, hell she hasn't even been diognosed but everything I've read up on, looked back upon, gone through and seen of her recently makes it all slot in to place. The stories she's told about past relationships, what she's told me she's been like in the past, all the red flags, have made it clear as day that she probably has BPD/npd. I'm no GP and I'm in no way diognosis her but I think she's savvy enough to know herself. In the past we talked about bipolar and I recall how freaked out she was when she read up on BPD. Funnily enough BPD was never ever talked about as a mental health problem. It's really scary as since the split I feel I no longer know the person I spent 4 years loving. I think that makes it that bit more harder to deal with. I know she's there somewhere but she can't maintain being that person. She will always hit the self destruct button no matter what.

I don't think she'll come back now but regardless my boundary is down now. She pulled alright but I don't think she realised I was kinda on to her this time. I knew this time that it wasn't real. That's the key thing to remember for me now as in the past I thought and felt very different, she had me under control where as now she no longer possesses that power over me. I'm junkie when it comes to her and if I go anywhere near her or have any form of communication with her I give her my power as she holds that magic over me. The only way I can see myself surviving this break up is by doing the one thing I really wish I didn't have to do.

Thanks mate I appreciate the words of support Smiling (click to insert in post)
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DazedD40
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« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2016, 05:09:03 AM »

2 days no contact and she's just messaged me!

Saying, the city is small and she doesn't want hate between us and wants a final goodbye with the option of leaving the door open for friendship!

I've had a bad morning thinking of her and already felt anxious, now I've accelerated in to a mess.

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Larmoyant
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« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2016, 05:34:02 AM »

I blocked her number and am now on my first full day of no contact. She had no way of contacting me as I've locked everything down tightly. It feels weird, knowing that's it now and even weirder that I'm going against what I really want, us together. I know that's never going to be a possibility and for my own reasons this time I love  her so much and my natural setting is to try hanging on and hoping for us getting back together. It feels so strange to shut the door on the woman I love and although I feel ok this morning and feel I've done the right thing. I must detach tho and find a way of living in a world where she no longer can hurt, manipulate and emotionally abuse me. I personally think these past few weeks have acted as an attempt for her to finish me off. Everything now looks like a sneak attack. The txts, the sex, the love you's, were all set up to hurt me but she's not got that satisfaction this time as I've pulled the plug on her before she was able to execute her next hurtful play on me. My gut was screaming she was on the verge of pulling something out of the hat. I feel I have managed to salvage some self respect by getting out of her trap.

This is going to so hard to do as she's been there everyday for the past 4 years but I know I have to go through with this. Wish me luck.

We are on almost the exact same journey out of hell. I wish you all the luck in the world 
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Raspberry
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« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2016, 05:37:12 AM »

2 days no contact and she's just messaged me!

Saying, the city is small and she doesn't want hate between us and wants a final goodbye with the option of leaving the door open for friendship!

I've had a bad morning thinking of her and already felt anxious, now I've accelerated in to a mess.

You deserve better! In an ideal world we would be able to maintain a friendship but in my experience of the last few weeks this really isn't possible. As difficult as it is and I know it really is you have got to put yourself first and allow yourself the chance to heal xx
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2016, 05:42:07 AM »

2 days no contact and she's just messaged me!

Saying, the city is small and she doesn't want hate between us and wants a final goodbye with the option of leaving the door open for friendship!

I've had a bad morning thinking of her and already felt anxious, now I've accelerated in to a mess.

I can relate so much. Trying to think of some way to help you. I’m not sure friendship is a good idea. My ex offered friendship too, seemed desperate for it, but I refused to subject myself to more pain watching him flaunt other women in front of me. Remember what you wrote “The constant niggle for me has been the thought of her tapping up her new supplies whilst remaining in constant contact with me, playing me for a muppet”. Stay strong 

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DazedD40
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« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2016, 06:00:57 AM »

2 days no contact and she's just messaged me!

Saying, the city is small and she doesn't want hate between us and wants a final goodbye with the option of leaving the door open for friendship!

I've had a bad morning thinking of her and already felt anxious, now I've accelerated in to a mess.

I can relate so much. Trying to think of some way to help you. I’m not sure friendship is a good idea. My ex offered friendship too, seemed desperate for it, but I refused to subject myself to more pain watching him flaunt other women in front of me. Remember what you wrote “The constant niggle for me has been the thought of her tapping up her new supplies whilst remaining in constant contact with me, playing me for a muppet”. Stay strong 

I was just thinking it's another sneak attack on her behalf. The weekends are hard as I know this is the time she'll be out on the prowl with her mates, moving on, and getting her validation via other men. She may not be doing that at all but she knows full well that would have played on my mind this weekend. I suspect she'll have a few men chasing after her now. The sneak attack for me is her wishing me a happy Father's Day. She know I'll be with my children today and the way I see it is she wanted me to think of her in that moment and to cloud my day with thoughts of her. If that's the case she needn't have bothered as everyday is clouded by her for me at the moment.

I swear I'm getting way to paranoid but it goes a long way to show me why I need to remove her from my life. I want to respond to her but I know that any form of response from me gives her the power back. If I've read up what I have and she is BPD/npd then even though she has fresh supply it must be a niggle to her that I've gone no contact on her. I'm not doing it to get at her guess I'm trying to understand that there is no sincerity in her txt and it's just an attempt to gain control and have her crappy behaviour validated by me again.

I'm trying my hardest to wake up and smell the roses and I'm not going to respond to her. In truth I haven't a clue what to say in response anyway. All she's looking for is me to say, hey yeah let's be friends, you haven't hurt me at all and your behaviours towards me are perfectly acceptable, please carry on hurting me as and when you feel the need to sink your teeth in to my soul.

Nope not having that today!
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atomic popsicles
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« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2016, 10:36:24 AM »

DazedD40,

I know we all say this but I am at the same place in some ways. Day 11. Mine is not interested in  niceness or trying to recycle. I am the evil witch. But detaching from someone you love completely and long for even as you know they have done bad things you can't condone... .it is the worst ever. I guess we just try to get through each minute. I don't know.
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DazedD40
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« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2016, 10:50:12 AM »

Neither do I mate!

It's just comforting knowing that others know how I feel. I hate that people have to suffer this as I've never known pain like this nor confusion. Knowing that none of this matters to her, I don't matter, is ripping me apart.

I'm just clinging on in the hope that one day this won't hurt nor matter to me as much as it does right now.
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DazedD40
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« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2016, 08:29:38 AM »

Man alive i am struggling with this.

In fairness since her message yesterday that i didnt respond too she seems to have gone away and i sense she is now repecting my need for no contact (ie, she doesnt care).

I have again deleted messages although i sense that her message had many different meanings to it. Its been really hard today and i have a knoty of anxiety in me at the moment and its disturbing my day. I jyust need to ride a few hours out and then i can recoil home.

Just felt the need to type how im feeling. On day 3 of NC so hoping the feelings of anxiety subside as time progresses. 
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2016, 09:01:49 AM »

Hi Dazed,

Hang in there, you aren't alone! I remember feeling the same way: telling myself that I just needed to get through the next 3 hours at work and then I could go home.

It was sometimes minute by minute... .but this really will pass. You are in the crucible right now, and I know how hard that is. 

Keep posting how you are feeling, it helps to get it out and see it in print.

heartandwhole


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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
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« Reply #13 on: June 20, 2016, 09:18:55 AM »

Man alive i am struggling with this.

In fairness since her message yesterday that i didnt respond too she seems to have gone away and i sense she is now repecting my need for no contact (ie, she doesnt care).

I have again deleted messages although i sense that her message had many different meanings to it. Its been really hard today and i have a knoty of anxiety in me at the moment and its disturbing my day. I jyust need to ride a few hours out and then i can recoil home.

Just felt the need to type how im feeling. On day 3 of NC so hoping the feelings of anxiety subside as time progresses. 

I just read this thread and really sympathize. I have two kids w my ex-BPD and NC isn't possible, but I've been trying NC in spirit the last two days--keeping all communication as short as possible and trying not to think about someday getting back together. It is tough. My ex-messaged me last night asking for forgiveness, not to get back together, I slipped and messaged back and she returned with a heart emoji, which is the type of emotionally ambiguous thing she seems to specialize in.

So many of things you have written I could write word for word. I don't have any words of wisdom because I'm just starting this process in earnest, but thanks for sharing, and keep reaching out to others who understand for support.

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Meili
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« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2016, 09:30:51 AM »

It does get easier. I'm six-weeks into NC. I struggle with it daily, but it isn't as bad as it used to be. I find that when I'm really fighting the urge to contact her that if I ask myself what is my motivation for contacting her? What do I want to happen? And, what do I reasonably expect to happen? I'm able to talk myself out of it.

I keep having to go back and look at what actually happened, what her actions actually were, versus the things that she said to me and what I wanted to be true. Then, I try to focus on giving myself the things that she promised me that she'd give me and what I wanted from her.
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DazedD40
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« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2016, 04:03:00 PM »

The hardest part for me is knowing that she doesn't care about me one little bit. She's most probably moved on to her fresh supplies without a thought for me, what we had together, no feelings of lost love. No contact doesn't matter to her as she can move on without a care whilst I have to stay no contact, hold my tongue whilst going through the most gut wrenching pain and anxiety.

See I know I've got to go through this but normally when we have something to do, we do the task at hand and then it's done. I know the task at hand but I have no idea when I will have finished it. This scares me.

Thank you for you kind words guys Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Meili
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« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2016, 04:07:41 PM »

See I know I've got to go through this but normally when we have something to do, we do the task at hand and then it's done. I know the task at hand but I have no idea when I will have finished it. This scares me.

What task is it that you see that you need to finish, and what would it look like to be finished with it?
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DazedD40
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« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2016, 04:10:31 PM »

The task is getting over her and getting to a place where she no longer impacts on me. A place where if I bumped in to her, id be cool with it. A world where I'm cool with me is where I want to be.
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atomic popsicles
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« Reply #18 on: June 20, 2016, 08:28:48 PM »

Dazed,

Good thinking... .we can all get to that point I hope!
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DazedD40
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« Reply #19 on: June 21, 2016, 04:42:11 AM »

I cant see any other option open to myself. I either stop having contact, work through the emotional pain and anxiety, be proactive in changing my thought patterns from her to myself and hope that along the way i become stronger for the experience or i start trying to charm her back in to charming me thus opening myself up to a world of manipulation, lies and ultimatly hurt. As much as i want this all to change and for her to come back i know thats not the answer anymore besides she's no longer that girl i fell in love with. Makes me really sad as i cant seperate her from the BPD/NPD behaviours she displayed during the relationship/game. That sucks.

At the moment im trying my hardest to just keep my head down, not go on about it to work colleagues, be a good Dad to my boys and try and earn as much money as i can to find a new place to live.
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Meili
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« Reply #20 on: June 21, 2016, 09:26:54 AM »

That all sounds like a good plan Dazed!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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DazedD40
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« Reply #21 on: June 21, 2016, 09:58:09 AM »

Sounds like the best laid plan ive ever had, just need to suss out how to implement in and succesfully pull it off. Im a sod for talking a good game and doing the opposite   
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C.Stein
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« Reply #22 on: June 21, 2016, 11:14:30 AM »

As much as i want this all to change and for her to come back i know thats not the answer anymore besides she's no longer that girl i fell in love with.

This is the hardest part of acceptance and moving on.  As hard as it is to accept our exs as a whole it is something we must do.  Reality can sometimes be a very bitter pill to swallow, I am still trying to choke it down myself ... .almost there. 
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