My (now ex) girlfriend has BPD and I'm really struggling with the breakup

[RPwhitefrost]

Originally posted this on reddit yesterday:

My now ex, who I love more than anything in this world, recently broke up with me. She wouldn't give me legit reasons, and all of her friends say I was perfect for her. That I couldn't have treated her any better, or given her more of what she needed. She is physically attracted to me, and still tells mutual friends that she considers me to be one of her best friends. So I understand nothing.

She told me early on in the relationship that doctors told her years ago she had BPD; she was also bulimic. She had one of the worst childhoods of anyone I ever met, and I believe her fears of abandonment to be understandable. However, I do not know why she abandoned me. From what I can gather, she felt as though we moved too fast (we really didn't, and if anything moved slower than others I know), and so she felt suffocated. So I don't understand why she didn't just ask to slow down. Also, recent stress caused some problems in our sex lives. I swore that it had nothing to do with her (it certainly didn't; she's incredibly sexy and turns me on). I've just been stressed out lately and my anxiety came back. But I believe she thought it had something to do with me not being attracted to her.

I've decided not to contact her for awhile. I want to see if she misses me after a few weeks. I feel like the relationship we had is dead, but it should be easier to start over, given that we have feelings for each other still. She's just convinced it won't work out between us in the long run, and that's what holds her back. Last night she called a mutual friend breaking down and he told her she was being an idiot for breaking up with me. This morning she texted me as soon as she woke up asking if I was sick because she caught hand, foot, and mouth. Truth be told, I feel like I might have it, but I told her no, thanks for the concern, and that I felt it would be better if we didn't talk for at least a couple weeks.

If any of you have advice, I'd be thrilled to hear it. So many people are telling me to give up, but I've been convinced this girl is the love of my life for awhile now. She's everything I've ever wanted, and I can deal with the BPD. I just don't know what to do. I figured I'd go no contact for awhile, try to talk to her in a few weeks, and occasionally meet up with her in the weeks after, but idk. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for all your guys' time.

Some things to add:

- I want to go no contact for awhile, but I'm also afraid that if I do that for say 2-3 weeks, she might feel as though I abandoned her during a rough time in her life. Should I text her now and say "Look, I don't really want to talk about what happened between us just yet. I want to give that time. But if you really desperately need me, I'm always here for you." It's almost the one year since her dad died. She considers her dad to be the only person who ever loved her as much as I did (or do, rather). I feel like if I'm not there for her now, because I'm trying to go no contact, she'll just blame me for not being there

- She dumped me, but has reconnected with a bunch of friends she got rid of during our relationship. I didn't encourage her to get rid of them; she did it fully on her own. They treated her poorly and were negative people, so she dumped them. But now she's dumped me— and her family and friends all said she'd never been so happy in her whole life when she was with me— and gone back to people who made her hate herself

- She apparently wants me in her life in some capacity, so I don't get it. If you're physically attracted to me, enjoyed the sex, and considered me your best friend, then what was wrong with the relationship?

- She says she did the right thing, but she's sad that she hurt me, but also sad that I told a friend that I didn't want to jump right back into a relationship (what I actually said was, "I want her back, but I want to move slower, so she doesn't feel overwhelmed, and I want to start a new relationship with her, not pick up with the old, dead one."

- She feels like she's regressing on all the progress she's made in the last year with her mental health, and tells me to my face that she doesn't blame me, but her actions seem to reflect otherwise. I've brought her nothing but stability and love, so I don't get it.

- She claims she doesn't love me, but everything she told me and her friends again suggest otherwise. When she wasn't with me, she would crave me. Would constantly call and text me and tell her friends she missed me so much. But now she claims she was sick of seeing me and that I annoyed her. In the moment, however, it didn't seem anything like this. I don't believe that she didn't love me. She would constantly unprovoked tell me that she loved me more than anything in the world. And I personally believe she became more honest when drunk. The last week of our relationship— when things were a bit rocky, although the breakup was still totally unexpected— we went to a couple parties and she seemed so, so in love with me. She forced me to take so many pictures and posted them all over social media captioned with things like "love" and different emojis symbolizing love. We'd stay over and always got the host's room, and she would beg me to come to bed and have sex because she couldn't sleep without me. She would pull me in and tell me she loved me so much more than I loved her (so untrue, clearly), and other similar things.

I understand nothing about this girl. I want her back because we had the best possible relationship before the last week or so of it. She never treated me poorly— although she said she did— and everything seemed happy and stable before she just broke down. I could survive without her, but I am convinced this girl is the love of my life. I would never again be so happy. I feel like I didn't believe in love and LTRs really before her, but now all I want is her. Surviving is not the same as living, and I know that I would never again meet someone who meets all the criteria of my ideal woman. I also know there is no one who would look at me the way she did before she started self-destructing. I can imagine life without her, and I know that I could be so successful in so many ways, but I will never be able to let go of her. Before her, I felt as though I never caught a break in life. I thought she was the universe's way of making up for it. If this is truly the end of us, I feel like I'll go back to being the miserable person I was before (although I never showed this externally), except I'll feel worse. I would have lost all my hope for being fully, truly content.

Thank you guys for your time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi RPwhitefrost,

Welcome and hello 

Yes, BPD relationships can be very confusing. Things are often not as they seem.

It's hard to be in a relationship where:

I can deal with the BPD

and this:

I understand nothing about this girl.

are both happening at the same time.

For example, it sounds like she has not only a fear of abandonment, but perhaps a fear of engulfment too (e.g. she feels suffocated). People with BPD tend to equate feelings with facts. So, if she feels suffocated, she is suffocated. There may be no connection to facts as you know them. Plus, she may feel tremendous shame (part of the disorder), and the increasing intimacy she felt with you threatened to expose the depth of shame she experiences.

It's a good sign that she knows she is BPD and has been in treatment. That takes a lot of courage. She even shared this very personal information with you, which is hard given the stigma around mental illness.

One thing to keep in mind is that people with BPD tend to have no boundaries and many of us have weak boundaries. She actually needs you to have strong boundaries, even as she may attempt to whittle them down. To have your own stability so dependent on hers is in many ways a bigger threat to the relationship than her behavior alone.

She may have met all your criteria for an ideal woman; she is also the person who self-destructed in front of you. Separating what happened to her from your own role is important, too, so that you can accept her in her entirety, with and without these behaviors, since she will likely continue to struggle with them. I'm so sorry that the relationship did not remain ideal. It is hard to grieve the loss of something that felt perfect. Even so, continuing the relationship does mean acknowledging that this is her. The key, now, is to build up your own strength so you are not destabilized when she is.

Is that something you want to focus on here?

[RPwhitefrost]

Why exactly does she feel shame? I want to be able to understand this. I would do anything for her.

She may have met all your criteria for an ideal woman; she is also the person who self-destructed in front of you. Separating what happened to her from your own role is important, too, so that you can accept her in her entirety, with and without these behaviors, since she will likely continue to struggle with them. I'm so sorry that the relationship did not remain ideal. It is hard to grieve the loss of something that felt perfect. Even so, continuing the relationship does mean acknowledging that this is her. The key, now, is to build up your own strength so you are not destabilized when she is.

Is that something you want to focus on here?

That is what I want to focus on. How exactly do I have strong boundaries, and how do I act when she becomes destabilized?

[livednlearned]

Why exactly does she feel shame? I want to be able to understand this.

BPD can be described as a very disturbed belief system. A lot of the beliefs are self-defeating (e.g. I will always be alone; I have no control of myself; my feelings + opinions are unfounded; if I refuse someone's request they will leave me; if other people get to know me they will reject me, etc.). Some of these beliefs originated in childhood and there is nothing healthy with which to compare. It could be a combination of a sensitive genotype and an invalidating childhood environment. It could be based on a belief system borne from an abusive childhood.

The degree of invalidation can create a sense that her self is unstable and not whole. She may latch onto someone that she can please at the expense of being herself, and not knowing who she is, this can feel both necessary and scary at the same time. She has the comfort of a relationship and the distress of not bringing a fully individuated sense of self to the relationship.

I would do anything for her

More than anything she needs you to have good boundaries. That's attractive to her and she needs it.

How exactly do I have strong boundaries, and how do I act when she becomes destabilized?

These threads might shed some light:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

We all come to a relationship with core values or independent values.  We also have values that we are prepared to blend with the other person in a relationship - these become inter-dependent values. There are three types of boundaries: Physical boundaries; Mental boundaries; Emotional boundaries.

Each of the following five “Cs” is a component of planning boundaries:[/i]

Clarify

Calculate costs

Come up with consequences

Create a consensus

Consider possible outcomes

Examples of boundaries

This thread is about "examples" of our values, our boundaries and how to defend our boundaries.

One thing to watch for is the full pass. She "craved" you and you made yourself available to her. It felt great, and flattering, like things were going well. Then she lost interest and you were "annoying." This may actually be a place where you can practice boundaries. She knows on some level that she is being excessive, maybe even needy. She feels the compulsion to be near you and on some level she feels able to roll right over you -- this makes her think of you as weak and she loses interest.

This may not be a series of conscious decisions. Oftentimes these needs are very primitive and needs-based below the level of awareness.

People who struggle with boundaries (like us) may feel guilty about establishing and enforcing boundaries. People who have no boundaries need others to provide them, even while they try to test them and rail against them, even destroying them if they can.

You can use validating language to alleviate the stress of asserting a boundary. That's why so many of the skills are communication oriented. We learn how to phrase things and what words are triggering (the word "but" can be invalidating, for example).

Does that help?

[RPwhitefrost]

I kind of get that. Thank you. I'll do much more reading into it. I just don't quite know how to reassert myself. I thought she needed reassurance I would always be there for her but instead she needed boundaries. I always was a person who was rather dominant and assertive and I think that's what attracted her to me in the first place. But I softened up around her because I thought it was what she needed. Clearly I was wrong.

I don't know what to say to her. We already agreed to talk in 2-3 weeks. She seems like she already misses me but doesn't know if she could do a relationship. I want her to know I miss her and love her, but at the same time I'm not going to put up with being stepped on. I dont know what else to say or even if I should say the things I want to. And should I act like I'm perfectly fine without her or what? Idk.

Should I tell her I read about BPD and understand it more or how exactly should I go about discussing and understanding her behavior.

[livednlearned]

Everyone is different, so not all approaches will work the same. There really truly is no magic formula here.

Even so, you probably stand a better chance of keeping the lines open if you can be your regular awesome self  and not try to dredge up old relationship stuff.

This is because she gave herself a break. She needed it. She wants space from what felt like an intense situation. It's true that dumping you or pulling away is perhaps extreme given that you were willing to work with her. It is also true that she felt suffocated and for better or worse, took a time out to pull herself together.

If you start up the conversation with a high degree of intimacy without letting her feel things out, you could send her packing again.

A great skill for communicating is validation. This is about learning to accept and acknowledge how someone feels -- it is learning to slow down and feel empathy for how someone feels, bearing witness to how someone feels and giving them space to have those feelings without imposing our own thoughts or opinions or even our own need to reassure them.

People with BPD tend to have a lot of very intense, negative feelings. To some extent, we have to learn to be ok with those negative feelings. That doesn't mean we allow them to treat us badly, it means that we accept those feelings are there. We make micro adjustments in our own language that show we have confidence in them to self -soothe and take responsibility for solving their own problems.

[RPwhitefrost]

I don't even want to talk about it too much. I just want to see her again. But I know she'll want to talk about it. How exactly should I go about validating her?

[livednlearned]

There's a good discussion about validation and other communication skills here.

Do you want to work with a sample conversation that the two of you might have? Sometimes it's easier to work with specifics.

[RPwhitefrost]

Sure! That'd be great. First off let me pause to thank you so much for your help. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. I probably think we'd talk about her being overwhelmed in a relationship, her thinking she was the problem during sex (we had amazing sex until I had some serious stress and anxiety over things unrelated to the sex and she thought she was the problem), and what she wants to be after this (she at the very least wants to be close friends).

[C.Stein]

I kind of get that. Thank you. I'll do much more reading into it. I just don't quite know how to reassert myself. I thought she needed reassurance I would always be there for her but instead she needed boundaries. I always was a person who was rather dominant and assertive and I think that's what attracted her to me in the first place. But I softened up around her because I thought it was what she needed. Clearly I was wrong.

Be careful here RP.  Setting and enforcing boundaries is not about being dominant or being in control.  We set and enforce boundaries to protect our personal values and inner self from harm.

I see boundaries as being variable.  Some can flex and even move, others are rigid and unbending.  It is like the difference between drawing a line in the sand and a line in stone.  Lines in sand can be erased and redrawn and are therefore flexible  (i.e. compromise).   Lines in stone are those that represent core values and violation of those are deal breakers (ex. lying, infidelity).  Knowing what your boundaries are and where compromise is an option or not is very important.  Can you give some examples of your own boundaries that are flexible and some that are not?  

More importantly though, particularly with respect to a borderline, is how we go about enforcing those boundaries.  This is where the Communication Tool Workshops come in.  It is worth noting these tools are helpful in all relationships and interactions with other people.

It is easy to see all this outside the relationship, to think you have a grasp on it, but when you are in the middle of it everything you learned will tend to slip away without concerted effort on your part to keep the emotions of the moment under control and to listen, really listen and understand what your partner is saying (both verbally and through body language).  It is exceptionally difficult to do this when your own emotions are boiling over.  Volatile emotions would be an example of a boundary you set for yourself that you need to enforce on yourself.  When you feel emotionally out of control, when your emotions are doing the speaking and not your rational mind you take a time out.  Nothing good will ever come out of a discussion when one or both parties are emotionally volatile.

So to that end pick a specific argument/disagreement you had with her and reconstruct it here ... .word for word, emotion for emotion.   Leave the sex off the table here.  Sex is icing on the cake not the cake itself.

[RPwhitefrost]

I don't want to be dominant or in control with her. I want to be her partner, not her parent. I just meant that I wasn't a weak, passive human being that she could walk all over, and that was one of the things that attracted her to me.

We really only fought twice. The most recent was when she broke up with me. She wasn't giving many clear reasons, but the only one that made sense was that she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore. It went something like this (I tried to stay calm early on in the conversation):

Her: I think we have to break up.

Me: Why?

H: It's just not working anymore?

M: What do you mean it's not working anymore?

H: It's just not.

M: Well, you've got to have a reason.

H: I just feel it.

M: What do you mean you just feel it? Are you afraid we aren't going to last? All you can do is take it day by day?

H: But, baby, I just feel like it's not working anymore.

M: But why? I love you. You love me. You made that clear all throughout tonight?

H: It's just not working.

M: You promised me so long as you felt something for me, you would fight to make us work. I don't believe you feel nothing for me after how tonight went.

H: I don't know.

M: Do you love me anymore?

H: I don't know.

M: What do you mean you don't know? What the f*** happened over the last week? You went from begging me to never leave you to this.

H: I just thought a lot.

M: You told me in the very beginning of our relationship you push away people who care about you. Don't push me away.

H: I don't know, I just feel like I have to do this. I'm overwhelmed.

M: I ask nothing of you. How are you overwhelmed? I've done nothing but loved you and helped you through all your problems. How am I the one overwhelming you?

H: You're not.

M: Clearly I am. If you're dropping me, but you're bringing back all your old friends who treat you like sh*t, you're trying to write a book, you're trying to edit an online paper, you're trying to go out and party, and all this other sh*t, then clearly you think getting rid of me will prevent you from being overwhelmed. And quite frankly, I think that's bullsh*t.

H: Please, stop, you're making it harder than it has to be.

M: You're right, it should be f***ing hard. I'm not gonna let you walk out of my life so easily. You don't go from loving someone to blaming them for all your f***ing problems in three f***ing hours.

H: I'm sorry I have to go.

M: Why? You're trying to make it easy on yourself. You expect me to respect your side, but you won't even listen to me.

H: You're making this so much harder than it has to be. I have to go.

M: Give me more time, please.

H: I'm going to slam this door in your face.

M: Don't f***ing do that. Please don't f***ing do that. I love you.

H: Goodbye *slam*

I'm sure a similar topic will come up again when we talk. Also, update after last night. She apparently misses me a lot, and desperately wants to talk to me, but still doesn't think she made the wrong decision.

[RPwhitefrost]

Also, she texted a mutual friend last night saying she really wants to talk to me. She still thinks she did the right thing, but she misses me and desperately needs to talk to me. I told the friend to say I'd contact her over the week; however, I planned to do it next weekend, but next weekend is father's day. She'll surely be in a terrible mood seeing as her father died less than a year ago. Idk when to talk to her.

[RPwhitefrost]

Update:

Okay, so it's been awhile since I've posted anything here. Last Saturday/Sunday night there was a party at a mutual friend's dorm. We were both there. Early in the night, she wouldn't talk to me, and kept looking at me but would always look away or grimace or something. However, as the night progressed, she started smiling at me and maintaining eye contact (I figured it was because she was drunk), before finally asking to talk to me. We talked for a bit, and she said she was still confused, so I told her to stop talking and that I'd just talk. She wound up leaning in to kiss me, and we hooked up. I thought it meant nothing because neither of us was exactly sober, but the next morning, when she was totally sober, she was in a great mood kept talking to me, and kissed me goodbye.

So we had plans to go out and talk Wednesday night because it was to be the first time she'd be free. I called her Wednesday afternoon and she didn't answer. Then I texted her and she answered awhile later, apologizing and saying she wanted to talk, but she was too depressed because her first "Fatherless Father's Day" was coming up. I told her that was fine, but to let me know when she finally wanted to talk (I think she could tell I was pissed off). I'm starting to lose hope, and it sucks. My friends have tried getting me to go out with other women, but I can't think about anyone other than her.

[livednlearned]

You had empathy for her having the first Father's Day since her dad passed.

And then you felt upset when she couldn't talk.

It's hard when feelings conflict.

She has intense emotions and a serious loss to grieve. You may want to give her some time. She has made it clear she is tender toward you.

BPD or not, her behavior sounds like someone taking care of themselves at a difficult time. You two are a question mark and her feelings are likely to be intense right now.

It's probably a good idea to ride this period of time out so you aren't caught up in the undertow.