should I help or should I not

[suzie14]

My adult child (in her twenties) was recently diagnosed with BPD.  Also suffers from severe anxiety, bi-polar, as well as many other health issues.  We are still seeing doctors to ensure she really does have BPD but in the mean time would appreciate help.  I read about setting boundaries, does that apply as well to helping them out?  She does not live at home, has lost her job due to her anxiety.  Second time she has lost a job.  Has no money and her medication is expensive.  She spends impulsively when she is down.  I have bailed her out (paying credit card off) on numerous occasions to get her out of debt.  I can't afford to keep doing this but I want to help her.  Am I helping her by doing this or should I tell her she needs to understand the consequences of her actions and i will not be able to help her out any more.   She not only spends money she doesnt have but never feels like doing things.  I'm running all her errands.  I do this to ensure she has her medication, I renew, pick up and deliver or medication, food, anything she needs.  Is this helping or enabling.  

From everything I have read so far, (just started) it seems people struggle with their relations with the person with BPD.  This is not the case with my daughter.  she is loving, caring, the most unselfish person in the world, easy to get along with.  She only harms herself and of course does not say no to help but she does feel guilty when she has done something she knows is wrong especially if it affects me for example financially.

So this is why I'm not convinced she has BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Suzie14

Welcome to bpdfamily, I'm glad you found us, though sorry what brings you, you are not alone.   I hope the Drs are able to provide you clarity.

I wanted to reach out to you, my daughter is 27 was diagnosed 12 months ago and is a 'quiet' borderline, she suffers from depression, anxiety, self harm, suicidal ideation, alcoholism, impulsivity, poor executive function. I too was confused when I first read about BPD, some of the traits I did not recognise, rage aimed at loved ones, problems with maintaining positive relationships. My quiet borderline rages inside-at herself, has many loving and meaningful friendships.  It took me some time to understand and accept BPD as the right diagnosis, I understand why you are questioning the diagnosis. Your daughter sounds very like mine.

Glad you have started reading, it really helped me understand and start practicing the tools and learning the lessons to the right of the screen. You are right to say by paying off your daughter's credit card bills your daughter will continue the behaviour (and have continued access to credit she can't afford) and not own the consequences. If you are doing everything for her she'll never feel like doing anything and you'll end up running yourself ragged - you'll see it said many times here it's important we look after ourselves first. Apart from meds, is your daughter in treatment, does she want to recover?

My daughter lives at home, works freelance and is in early days of DBT, learning the skills she needs to recover and live her life.  She has taken on responsibility to own her recovery, she has stopped drinking and has not self harmed since February, the time before that was last autumn, both occasions fuelled by alcohol relapses, she understands the consequences of alcohol.

Have a look at the book reviews too, like many here I found 'Walking on eggshells' and 'I don't have to make everything better' very helpful.

How are you coping Suzie14, do you have support?

WDx

[suzie14]

lHi thank you for your response.

Yes, that sounds like my daughter.

She does want to recover has asked for help.  The wait time has been long, but we are in the process of getting her the therapy she needs.  I am also in the process of registering for support as I feel I really need it. I put my life on hold for 22 years to be there for her.  My health physically and mentally has suffered.   I know I have enabled her, for the right reasons, I love her and want the best for her, but I know it's really harming her more then helping her.  she lost her job due to the illness, and it's not the first time (anxiety, bi-polar, ADHD also does not help).  Is waiting for therapy but has applied for financial assistance in the mean time and has reduced the credit card limit.  Small steps.

It is the hardest thing to see your child suffer.  I don't know how you all do it. I am glad I found this site and I am moving forward with support.

I plan on working with her to set up a budget to help her and letting her know that I cannot assist her if she goes over the budget.  I just retired and my funds are limited. I will read the books you suggested.

[lbjnltx]

Hi suzie14,

I just wanted to join wendydarling in welcoming you to the Parenting Board.  We are so glad that you are here looking for support and understanding for yourself in hopes of helping your daughter.

It is good that you are able to work with your daughter, that is half the battle... .building trust so that they listen and express their feelings honestly.

Your question "should I help or should I not?"  Help her help herself.  It's is important that she be an active participant in self care.  Baby steps if need be.  ie She makes the grocery list.  She accompanies you to the store even if she sits in the car. She goes into the store with you.  She goes to the store alone.

How long between progressive steps will depend on her and it helps to remember that progress is rarely linear.

lbj

[wendydarling]

Hi suzie14

I'm glad you are registering support for yourself, your daughter has asked for help and steps are in progress for financial assistance. 

Let us know how you get on agreeing the budget   

Here is a thread I started exploring quiet BPD on the parenting board

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289552.0

Thanks Lbj 'help her help herself' resonates well with me, a mantra to add to my list 

WDx