Lack of boundaries with the opposite sex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone,

I've come to realize that all my BPDexgf's had very poor boundaries with other guys while I was in relationships with them. I would go even further to say that if I had stayed in each of those relationships, I would have had to completely surrender to the feelings that were coming up as a result of their behavior with other guys, as speaking up about it had no effect. Has anyone else experienced this?

[boatman]

Hi everyone,

I've come to realize that all my BPDexgf's had very poor boundaries with other guys while I was in relationships with them. I would go even further to say that if I had stayed in each of those relationships, I would have had to completely surrender to the feelings that were coming up as a result of their behavior with other guys, as speaking up about it had no effect. Has anyone else experienced this?

[DazedD40]

Yes it was a constant issue the whole way through our relationship. In her eyes there was nothing wrong in flirting with other men and the way she went about previous relationships I am pretty convinenced that she cheated constantly. She did every boyfriend before me so I don't think I was any different to them. If I ever pulled her up on her behaviour and told her how it made me feel she would always blame it on my insecurities and play it down saying it was just "banter".

I started working as a doorman half way through our relationship and she would often comment on how girls must flirt with me and that she was jeleous and upset at the thought of me flirting back. Funny thing is I never once played up to any attention I did get as I loved her enough to not be tempted by someone else. She had me completely. It always baffled me as to why it was ok for her to play about me but the thought of it the other way round was a no no.

[boatman]

Hi DazedD40-

I'm sorry you went through that. How did you deal with the feelings that came up when she would behave that way?

[DazedD40]

Now I'm the other side of the fence I have no idea!

She was the master of deception and a real strategised where she can make the most obvious piece of evidence look so innocent and she always wangled her way out of things with me however the emotional damage sickened my thoughts and feelings. I always accepted her take on things and I accepted her telling me she hadn't cheated. She would then lovebomb me in a way that would make me think that there was no way she would do that to me. The problem was I could never truely forget these red flags and it would always bug me but she'd always play on my insecurities, blaming everything on me, saying I was being illogical about it all and how I was making it hard for her to love me.

As for the flirting she could never see how disrespectful it was and although shed apologies and say she saw my point of view she would never truely believe it and these behaviours would continue.

I have baggage from my childhood, I was adopted from birth and has a rocky upbringing with my adoptive parents as well as having a failed marriage behind me so yes I am insecure to an extent and she knew this. I tried my hardest to change that, allow it, going with the flow, not acting on my insecurities nor mentioning them to her all in the name of trying to keep her happy even though she never once tried to change the behaviour that ultimately caused my insecurities to trigger off and cause her to say, oh you don't trust me, my past is something you won't let go of, I promise I'm not like that with you, i love you.

It was all a game and I let her win for 4 years straight. Now on the other side I'm angry I allowed her to do that to me and I now need to look at why I did, why I bought in to the illusion and lies. Had I run the first time an indescresion happened I'd have saved myself years of torment and torture I created for myself as a direct result of being in a relationship with her.

[gotbushels]

boatman--"all"? Embellish?

[bAlex]

Of course. She always had a different way of seeing things and did a very good job at convincing me that I should just be ok with it. In the beginning I had very strong boundaries, I simply refused to be ok with any of her crap. I made that known to her. Eventually I saw that I was losing her as a result, because I refused to give in and she got the feeling that nothing she did was ever good enough. I began to doubt myself and gave in to her. Things just went down hill from there. Lesson learnt. Don't ever give in. Ever.

Correct response, I believe, would be to have told her to improver herself or get lost. For some stupid reason I keep thinking that they crave someone who enforces boundaries, not someone they can walk all over.

[Lilyroze]

Hi everyone,

I've come to realize that all my BPDexgf's had very poor boundaries with other guys while I was in relationships with them. I would go even further to say that if I had stayed in each of those relationships, I would have had to completely surrender to the feelings that were coming up as a result of their behavior with other guys, as speaking up about it had no effect. Has anyone else experienced this?

Hi Boatman,

May I ask what you considered poor boundaries? How do you all feel about cheating online? Online accounts hidden, flirting, and listening to soft porn whispering etc? When confronted it was just me taking wrong. Then silent treatment, ignoring. So my heartfelt letters then became things I needed to say sorry for, as I was blowing out of proportion.

I get we all need support, friends, other interests.

To me I am more of how can I improve myself, learn more, stick to my core values, spend time with SO, my kids and life. So yes will learn on net, have friends, support, forums but they are not to build my ego, flirt, and give others a chance into my heart. To find ways to see all the good in them, so I can nit pick my SO. To me that is a boundary and core value for me.

I guess it is valuing ourselves enough to see the truth in matters as well, and not white wash it or worse put up with it. If they don't value you enough, you need to value yourself enough and find the one who will. Just like the say you can't say you don't want an alcoholic in your life romantically, then go to the bar and find a love.

I love hiking, camping the outdoors, self sufficient lifestyle, gardening. So when not on the net do or plan those things. Find the news, things that interest me, and thought he did the same. Now realize maybe it fed his ego. He would spend so much time giving advice to people on the net, which is wonderful to build others, help. As a Christian I respect. But he had lots of family drama needing his help, so I was always accommodating or pushed to side.  Which was fine to a point, he respected I had many family issues, and work to tend to as well. But when thought he needed time it was NOT to be on helping others, and telling me he is too busy to help me... ..with my business or things we were going to start together.

His accounts were full of women, quotes to them, helping them, and telling them we were together which was nice, but well everything I did wrong. Hurtful thing was these were all dysfunctional cheating people, who had no core values at least many who kept favoriting everything he found wrong with me. ex I was too caring to others etc... .LOL  OK well then go to them is all I can say any-more will not compete with women cheating on net, or talking raunchy or putting everyone down and building themselves up.

So did you talk to them about your boundaries? Were they honest and caring? Or did you find out later the lies and they still won't admit?

I also know he has hidden accounts names, being someone else embellishing details to not be known all to talk to other women, or give advice. So strange to be truthful. Life is too precious to me to play games with the one I love.

[boatman]

Hi Lilyroze-

For me, poor boundaries with other guys refers to contact with other guys that is anything but professional. My ex's all did much more than that. For the most part they were not necessarily upfront about it, but honest when I asked them. In each case I spoke up about it once, but since the behavior did not change I decided I would put up with it and surrender to the crappy feelings. The primary reason for the breakups was the verbal abuse and raging.

I'm interested to hear if anyone else accepted this behavior with their ex's and surrendered to the accompanying emotions.

[Lilyroze]

Hi Lilyroze-

For me, poor boundaries with other guys refers to contact with other guys that is anything but professional. My ex's all did much more than that. For the most part they were not necessarily upfront about it, but honest when I asked them. In each case I spoke up about it once, but since the behavior did not change I decided I would put up with it and surrender to the crappy feelings. The primary reason for the breakups was the verbal abuse and raging.

I'm interested to hear if anyone else accepted this behavior with their ex's and surrendered to the accompanying emotions.

Yes I tried to express my feelings on the lack of  boundaries to both my ex to be and someone I feel in love with and both felt it OK. The flirting, cheating etc. whether online or IRL.  It really destroyed me as of recent.

I realize I am responsible for my own happiness, boundaries and core values. I tried my best to respect their need for attention and always gave it, made them feel special, talk out in a kind way about my thoughts and lack of respect from them or women involved. To no resolve. I am a one man woman, devoted, loving, and caring. I want the same back and now realize you can't have that kind of relationship if the other person is not willing to do the same, you are unequally yoked and worse not respected.

I put up with it, tried to make it better, show my hurt to nothing but more hurt. I am done.  As I put in my post to you, it ranged from many things to even online.

Deep down illness or not they don't do these things to some people so they tend to take advantage or prey on those of us who are not only loving and caring but have the initiative to try to be the bigger person, understand or resolve.

Once you set your boundaries, enforce them and respect yourself hopefully the right individual will come into your life that not only wants to be there, respects being there. Respects your love, devotion and caring to not want to cheat or hurt.

Best wishes for you on your journey. I hope I have answered some of what you are looking for.

Wanted to add so sorry about the raging and verbal that is awful as well. Have dealt with that and it is horrifying. They still always blame when doing it as well. The one I loved did the silent treatment when confronted on his behaviour, that pretty much killed the relationship.

[Leonis]

I remember my ex talked about this one colleague from a different department at work who essentially sexually harassed her. She mentioned that the guy was just putting his hands on her shoulder and kinda held her there.

I asked her if she wished to report to the HR. She claimed that he probably meant no harm and was just a lonely single man, etc.

I laid it out in front of her why I am not okay with it, but she didn't seem to find anything wrong with the way she was handling it.

1. Guy tried to ask her out to dinner. She only didn't go because she told me about it and I told her it didn't seem like a friendly thing because she was the only one asked.

2. Guy texted her time to time and addressed her as "my vixen!". Ex failed to see how that was inappropriate.

3. It was not until we were engaged and we revisited his strange advances did she finally stop contacting him.

Oh yeah, don't forget all the times where she was glad that she didn't end up being in a one on one situation with another time during those work social gathering. It's like she's secretly hoping (or already did) some unwanted third-party involvement in our relationship.

[gotbushels]

Lol I relate. Nice list--I haven't compiled this. I wrote only a handful of the biggies.

I remember my ex talked about this one colleague from a different department at work who essentially sexually harassed her. She mentioned that the guy was just putting his hands on her shoulder and kinda held her there.

I asked her if she wished to report to the HR. She claimed that he probably meant no harm and was just a lonely single man, etc.

Yep.

This still creeps me out a little. Staying away from such behaviour maintains my peace.

I laid it out in front of her why I am not okay with it, but she didn't seem to find anything wrong with the way she was handling it.

To me, this is a distinct statement because it was this response that got me. Managing her here would've been harder for me.

1. Guy tried to ask her out to dinner. She only didn't go because she told me about it and I told her it didn't seem like a friendly thing because she was the only one asked.

This is one of those "I have to tell you?" Most frustrating. Does the behaviour chain stop before home base? This is basically a black flag to me. What helped me here was a serious questioning of what a healthy is supposed to look like. What does an attached man or woman--"normally" do? Can you defend your answer to yourself? (recall don't JADE) I hope that helps you:)

One ?pwBPD had a recurrent stimulus. The member stated doing SE-T to get a temporary solution. Then... .he had to explain the conclusion to the SO over and over. I'm sympathetic here--imagine doing SOH from SOHCAHTOA fifty times and getting it wrong every time. It's basically auto-lobotomy. Or groundhog day.

Extend the logic--what happens if they switch relationships before boyfriend learns to press repeat? They never learn? Even sadder. I don't know 100% of BPs so I don't know. The important thing is to look inward at the self and move from there.

2. Guy texted her time to time and addressed her as "my vixen!". Ex failed to see how that was inappropriate.

A variation on this.

3. It was not until we were engaged and we revisited his strange advances did she finally stop contacting him.

My ex kept going, but with new men.

Oh yeah, don't forget all the times where she was glad that she didn't end up being in a one on one situation with another time during those work social gathering. It's like she's secretly hoping (or already did) some unwanted third-party involvement in our relationship.

Maybe we have the same ex--sales / customer service?



One of my stories: she asked me for permission to perform coitus with another man after going home with him. No comment.

Thanks for the detailed reminder. With such lists, it reveals the depth of how difficult it can be within the relationship. The problem is dealing with each in isolation, you don't see them all added up. Perhaps put a list together of behaviour likes and dislikes?

Now... .why did either of us put up with this? What did I do that enabled her behaviours? Does this have anything to do with limits like power-struggle / fidelity? Be rested.

[boatman]

Hi everyone-

I greatly appreciate your replies, but I think I need to find another way to explain the question I'm asking.

It sounds like there are others besides me that have felt horrible feelings as a result of these poor boundaries, I'm sorry you all went through it.

I would never assert that all women behave this way, but all the women I have dated have behaved this way. This is the only experience I have ever known, so I'm interested to hear other people that have also gone through it. I'm more interested in the experience of surrendering to the feelings that accompany the poor boundaries, rather than the "wrongness" of the non-boundary behavior.

Thanks everyone