Get your feelings out!
It's weird because I don't think I hate her. In the back of my mind, I don't feel I want her to pay for the stuff she's done. I sometimes even wish we were still friends. But the sound of this person's voice, even on a text msg triggers all the bad memories.
Although now I'm sympathetic because I know that part of her telling lies is because she feels ashame about the truth. I can almost tell when she's not being honest. She hesitates when talking (on the phone). I never hear from her now, but then my (other) phone would ring and it would be her. Talking about something that make absolutely no sense to me. Then she'd talk about something pertaining to her or one of her family members. Or something that she did or where she went... .It's like a hesitation that I never noticed before. As if she's not too sure it actually happened that way. But still, she tells it.
I believe the reason I didn't catch it before is because she looked sincere when she was telling the story. It is not like I'm looking for a lie. No! I'm almost glad to see her number (idk why) until she starts talking. Her voice brings nothing but bad thoughts to my mind. I guess the triggering can work both ways.
Months after the r/s had ended I've seen her. WOW! trust me I went around her for my own good. I couldn't just go NC right away. I had to see more of her; who she really is. I did and it calmed my nerves a bit. idk that's just the way it worked out for me.
However, the times i was around her and she would do something like... .walk away or be in another room, or ran into the store or anything, I would stare at her from a distance with internal feelings of fiery nature. I don't want to use the word hate. My head and muscle in my face would feel tight. I would have to talk to myself and tell myself to calm down and look at her as a whole. Then, my feelings would calm down and i'll just go on with my day.
Even when I had opportunities to do sneaky sh*t to her... .I just couldn't and wouldn't. I would just be myself and that would make me go home or walk away from her feeling happy with myself. I guess it is because I saw that being around her could have easily turned me into her... .A deliberate, cold hearted, callous person. But she didn't win.
