I think too much about BPD

[Fie]

Hello wonderful people,

I got some pretty good advice here before here, so here we go with a new topic   

My mum is BPD, and both her and my dad kind of ignore me. The contact is very low. When there is contact, I ruminate about it weeks  before and weeks after, so I have kind of decided to avoid them even more.

Until 1,5 years ago, I had a relationship with a man with BPD. After ending the relationship, I realized that my mum had it. I read a lot about it and I did a lot of self work also, because of course there are reasons why I got involved with a  person like that. I'd like to believe I am a different person now. I also wanted to be able to recognize the  symptoms in people before getting involved with them. I want to avoid drama queens as much as possible.

Recently a very good friend of mine, who's always honest with me, told me I am thinking too much of BPD - and she's right. She even told me she sometimes wonders if I would be projecting and having BPD myself.

She's right of course. Not about me projecting, but about the being stuck in thinking about BPD, recognizing it in people I know (or just imagining  recognizing it), etc.

Do any of you recognize this ? I wish I could stop thinking about it. Another friend, who's a psychologist, told me I might have developed PTSD due to the relationship with the BPD ex. I am not so sure about that, but maybe it can be a reason why I am so stuck in my thinking ? I don't know.

Anyone has the same or sees clarity in this ?

Thanks !

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY FIE

Sometimes when we feel overwhelmed or frustrated with something, it can be overwhelming and consume us.  I had to do a little reality check myself, when I reached the point of getting a therapist.  I was venting too much about my uBPD sister to a friend.  I radically tamed my BPD talk. I decided to make my own correction, before my friend pointed it out or avoided me.  Now, I strive to not talk about my sister or anything BPD related.  I had a few conversations without mentioning one word about my sister or BPD.  Now, I might occasionally mention  something about my uBPD sis, but I make it brief and sometimes my friend might inquire.

You might find the links below helpful:

Dealing with ruminations

   https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0;all

Emotional Memory Management - Ruminations

        https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all

Sometimes, you just need to break a habit.  Try to limit your BPD thoughts to 30 minutes a day.  Decide on an appointed time, i.e. 7:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m.  For the remainder of your day, when a BPD thought comes up, write it down on a piece of paper or capture it electronically.  When the 30-minute period arrives, look at the thoughts you captured earlier and think about all things BPD until 30 minutes is up or you run out of BPD things to think about.

Do you practice any form of mindfulness or meditation?

[unicorn2014]

I do have complex ptsd from growing up with a BPD mom/npd dad  and then marrying an npd man. I think the best thing you can do is get a proper diagnosis from a proper psychiatrist and treat it with medication. ptsd won't respond to therapy alone. Its a rewiring of the brain due to trauma at an early age. If you truly have ptsd from your childhood then you will have to work really hard to stop thinking about it. I too chose a man with BPD after I divorced my husband and I am trying to work my way out of that relationship now as it has not changed in the 4 years I've been with him. Every man in my life has exploited me, from the age of 17. I wish you luck on your healing journey and please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. 

[Fie]

Naughty Nibbler,

Hearing that someone else experienced something similar definitely reassures me, so thanks for sharing !

The tip you gave me is a good one and I applied it today. As I only did some ruminating and hearing  my parents' negativity talk in my mind, I had nothing worthwhile to write down though   

I do meditate regularly yes, and it helps quite a lot. Might want to upgrade, though 

Unicorn, thanks for your concern and for the help offer, that is really sweet   

[Naughty Nibbler]

I do meditate regularly yes, and it helps quite a lot. Might want to upgrade, though 

It can help to practice various forms of meditation (never too many tool in the tool shed).  I used to only do TM.  My therapist suggested guided mediation, and I've found value in that.  I'm thinking that the informal mindfulness is a tool to tame your brain when you don't have time to do the other two forms of meditation. 

What type of meditation do you usually practice?

[Fie]

Sometimes I do mantra meditation, sometimes vipassana or sometimes I just get in a medative state thinking about things Nisargadatta Maharaj wrote in 'I am that'

[Woolspinner2000]

Fie,

I think you bring up some very important points here:

When there is contact, I ruminate about it weeks  before and weeks after, so I have kind of decided to avoid them even more... .

Recently a very good friend of mine, who's always honest with me, told me I am thinking too much of BPD - and she's right. She even told me she sometimes wonders if I would be projecting and having BPD myself.

When I first discovered BPD and what it was, it was easy for me to keep questioning myself about what I read and the possibility that my mom actually had it. I looked for those with whom I could validate this info, but of course they were few and far between because no one really knew about our mom except for my immediate family  members. So much of those initial discovery months and on into the first portion of T, my brain was on over drive to learn and understand all I could. I think it is quite normal to do so. After all, we've finally found validation of what we always thought was our problem but in reality is theirs. 

There are also many times when as members we fear that we have BPD traits; however, much of the time we have absorbed the projections. As you work through learned behaviors, remember that they can be unlearned too. While it takes time, have hope and courage to keep at it.    I would also encourage you to consider who you decide to share this info with about BPD. Find those who you feel safe with, and share with them. Do you currently see a T? A T can be a wonderful source of understanding and validating all the things you are learning about BPD, free from any criticism.



Wools

[Linda Maria]

Hi Fie!  Just wanted to let you know that I completely get the over-ruminating thing.  I did exactly the same when I my uBPDsis turned on me after my Mum died and launched a massive hate campaign against me.  I would obsess over everything she said and wrote, and would worry about every communication I had to have with her.  It was exhausting and started making me ill.  I am lucky in that a light went on, even before I knew about BPD and just thought she really hated me and was going a bit mad, and I really limited my contact with her.  She lives over an hour away and we have no other FOO so it wasn't too hard to avoid her.  Also - I started work again, and just got busy so I didn't have the headspace to keep thinking about it.  There are some legal issues still going on, and I have to see her in court next week, but I am much better at just not thinking about it - as I now know there is no point - it won't change anything, just wear me down.  And I also no longer mention it to other people other than my closest friend who does really get it and has been fantastic.  But even with her I try not to mention it too much, as talking about it no longer helps, it actually makes me tired and feeling negative.    So - I think it is a completely normal way to feel - and it is great that you have realised and are now breaking the habits.  If sapping your energy helped them in some way that would be different, but it is just a totally negative and pointless sacrifice.  Enjoy your life!