Confused, even after 1 year

[bus boy]

She has been with someone new for 1 year. We have been separated for 8 years, in that time I did everything to prove myself as a good man. I read about personality disorders and can relate to much of what I read, on here and other online. Information, and my T. I know all to well the devalue and discard stages but the love bombing stage seemed brief to nonexistent. I can relate to so much of what I read on this site but when I read about how people were so idealized I get stuck, fall into the rut of self doubt bc I never heard those words. So now I see her happy in her new life, giving her BF a position in my sons life she tried for the last 9 years to push me out of. I'm reliable, hard worker, always there for my son and before her BF, I was there for as well. I don't want to get into the horid abuse she put me through but how can someone switch, have a truly dark inner core but in public be so nice. Had any one out there experienced being treated only like a dog and have little to no love bombing and than see them a totally new person in the next r/s. Just the fact that she is giving her BF I'm a deadbeat dad is, to me, a deceiving lie on her part, to her BF. He is being fooled, he really thinks he's being the replacement dad my son so desperately needs.

[C.Stein]

I know how hard it is to watch someone take your place BB.  It really does make you feel less worthy, like something is wrong with you.  While there may be things you did wrong you have the ability to see that, to make positive self-actualized change in your own life so you can find a partner that can participate in a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship.  Your exBPD on the other hand cannot change without significant and sustained effort to manage her disorder.  What you see on the surface is almost certainly not reflective of what goes on behind closed doors.  Remember, what she does/says about you does not define your self-worth.  You can't control what she says or does you can only be the best person and father you can be.

What are you doing for yourself right now?  Are you in a new relationship?

[Mutt]

Hi bus boy,

Do you still have feelings for her?

[HoneyB33]

Just a random thought, but have you looked into more narcissistic traits? It might be worthwhile to read about if you haven't. Your ex sounds strong in those traits, but that is a very short sighted guess from what you've said.

I can understand being stuck, esp when they act so happy with other ppl. It makes you feel less worthy, and it is really hard. It makes you question yourself, and wonder if you really did do something wrong. Honestly, your ex really does sound like she has some narcissist/sociopathic traits. Esp if she treated you so horribly, and then is acting so happy with someone else. That isn't just with the broken BPD traits of fears of rejection, etc. Again, all of this is just a guess, only you know what is true for yourself.

"Remember, what she does/says about you does not define your self-worth.  You can't control what she says or does you can only be the best person and father you can be." What C.Stein said is totally spot on. You gotta get in there and separate what she says about you, from who you truly are. I think it's the hardest part of all this.

[bus boy]

Hi C.Stein. I am not in a relationship. I am working hard with my T and focusing on my r/s with s9. He has been out of my life so much. I have a good court order now that gives me lots of extra time and it's up for review in August.

Hi Mutt. I can truly say I have no feelings for her anymore. I loved her one time. Falling out of love with her was the hardest thing I ever did. I went through withdrawal, like getting off drugs or quiting smoking. I was addicted to her.

Hi honeyB33. I strongly feel she NPD/ sociopathic traits.

[C.Stein]

I am working hard with my T and focusing on my r/s with s9. He has been out of my life so much. I have a good court order now that gives me lots of extra time and it's up for review in August.

This is commendable BB.   

Getting yourself to a place where you can be a part of a healthy relationship can be tough in the aftermath of a relationship with a pwBPD.   It is also good to hear you are putting in the time and effort to spend time with your son.  He will need a stabilizing parent to come to.  The next relationship will come when you are ready, no need to rush it.

[Fie]

Hello bus boy,

I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation 

Your son is lucky to have you, and I am sure he, like you, is also happy to be able to spend more time together. Kids need both of their parents !

I don't know how it feels to see some other man be put in your place, but I can only imagine that must feel horrible.

You said your ex is giving her BF a position in your son's  life. Do you have the feeling that this man actually wants to take your place ? Or is he just in your son's life, without crossing certain limits ?

I have a child with a man I am separated with (non BPD). He is married to someone who is very good for my child, so I have no problem with this situation. I don't know if I can compare my situation to yours, because in this whole process I did not get devaluated by my ex in front of my daughter. And the new wife never tried to 'take my place'. She knows I'm the mum, period.  So I am actually happy that she's in my daughter's life, I consider her an asset.

[joeramabeme]

but the love bombing stage seemed brief to nonexistent.

I can relate to so much of what I read on this site but when I read about how people were so idealized I get stuck, fall into the rut of self doubt bc I never heard those words.

Had any one out there experienced being treated only like a dog and have little to no love bombing and than see them a totally new person in the next r/s.

Hi BB,

I wrote a recent post about this same sense of "stuck"ness on the idealize concept. I replayed our courtship in my mind countless times and it was not there or very little, just typical romantic stuff that all couples do.  Just so you know, I do not have a child with her so cannot address that part but can share how I have become un"stuck" from this point.

What I have come to believe is that she idealized the concept or idea of marriage.  What it should look like, what her role was, what my role was etc.  I believe I was an "object" (or objectified) in that idealized view of marriage.  Her unhappiness was likely as much a function of her idealized concept of marriage not materializing as it was about me.  Further, she may very well have idealized views of what love and husbands are.  Perhaps in your case, an idealized version of a Father?

We were in marital counseling at the 5 year mark (11 years total) and she suddenly remarked; this marriage sucks.  I was stunned, deeply hurt and also amazed.  Yes, the marriage was difficult and we struggled, but there was also a lot of love between the 2 of us and I couldn't believe that she was so sterile in her treatment of the goodness about it.

Within this same belief I now have is a better understanding of the devaluation.  Again, I personally was devalued, but, also as likely the "objectified" (husband, marriage paretner) was also part of that devaluation process. 

So, no love bombing for me either, which has lead me to hours of deciphering if it is me who has the problem or her and many other similar thoughts.  Rest assured, if you are here on this site for this long and posting these messages, there is almost a certainty that you have been impacted.

I hope this reply brings some understanding to you and some relief over understanding that your ex is very likely impacted.

Best JRB

[bus boy]

Thank you C.Stein.

Hi jRB, I read your post and it did bring things to light that I was stuck on. I know I had a roll in our r/s that made a negative impact but I know I tried so hard for marriage counselling, her and her family were dead set against it. She blamed it all on my family and tried her best to create the same conflict between my family and I that her mother did between her father and his family. Today my BPD/npd ex wife's father will not talk to any of his siblings or his mother. It is a very dysfunctional situation. Something that sticks in my head is after our wedding, she threw her beautiful wedding dress in a corner on the floor of our closet in a wrinkled ball and that's  where it stayed until she left. So your post really helped.

Hi fie, I feel the replaced part bc she is allowing her bf to do the things with s9 that she never allowed me as the father to do. And bf seems more than happy to do it. I can't be mad at him, he thinks he's being nice but he's being manuplated. He is good to s9 and I like that but again, to me anything that is done out of manuplation is not coming from the heart, it's not real.

[Fie]

Hi fie, I feel the replaced part bc she is allowing her bf to do the things with s9 that she never allowed me as the father to do. And bf seems more than happy to do it. I can't be mad at him, he thinks he's being nice but he's being manuplated. He is good to s9 and I like that but again, to me anything that is done out of manuplation is not coming from the heart, it's not real.

Hello bus boy,

Maybe you can give me some examples of what she allows her bf, but not you, to do ? Than maybe I can understand better.

Try to keep in mind that being replaced by the bf towards HER, does not mean being replaced towards  your SON. No matter what someone else does for your son / what you  do for him, YOU are the dad. There is only one dad in someone's life. Your son knows that, he's 9.

[bus boy]

Hi Fie, she would never let me take s9 anywhere. Never for a drive, never let me pick him up at school. If she was to busy to pick up or drop off s9 anywhere, she would get someone else to do it. I just got what was in the court order and not an inch more. Anything that a parent would rely on another parent for I was denied. Her BF takes my son where ever he wants when ever he wants. So often s9 wanted to go with me and she would say no.

[Fie]

That sounds like  a frustrating situation to be in 

Do I understand correctly that now the situation is a lot better with a new court order ?

Is there a way for you to see the positive aspects  of this new guy being around ? Do you think he takes some of the 'edges' of in everyday life for your son, who does not have to be alone all of the time with a BPD mum, when he's not with you ? Like some sort of buffer ? To provide  some normality in the mess of a life with BPD ?

Does your son have  a mobile to contact you when he wants to ?

[bus boy]

Yes it is better with a new court order. I get the proper time with s9 that I fought so hard for. I don't have to deal with her.

[seenr]

BusBoy

I attend a single parent support group each week and I am amazed to hear the stories I do about how parents try to stop each other from seeing their kids.

My son is 3. When he was a baby I was stopped from seeing him for eight weeks. I was told it was all my fault. There have been times I was due to see him and didn't and times my access to him was cut short. I have been heavily criticised for my parenting of him.

What does all this matter to our boy? Nothing (yet)

He loves both of us and I have nothing negative to say to him about his Mother. I just try to be as good a Dad as possible and facilitate him being a happy balanced little man. But I have seen his mum discredit her daughters Dad and that scares me. It also scares me that another man might take my place. But I also need to focus on me and him and make our relationship solid... I think rational people realise that you cannot be a replacement Dad. I always said to my exes daughter 'I'm not your Dad but I'm here for you no matter what'. But I know that I could not be her father as he has his place.

I am beginning a process to get more time with my son too. I didn't decide to have a child to see him now and again. I love him and want him as close to 50% as possible, as long as that is good for him. I know he adores his mum, I just want her to adore him the same way and not put some new love interest first. This little boy is a gift and is too important to be messed around.

Credit to you for fighting for time with your son