BPD chaos" positive and negative

[StillRecovering]

I've been trying to understand where the extreme rage that pwBPD experience comes from.  Reading this site, it seems to be a common theme that BPD individuals have very undeveloped and thus immature emotions.  I read here that anger is an easy emotion to feel, and therefore it comes out much more often in a pwBPD than a normal person. 

The other side of this is love.  A BPD individual may "feel" love for their partner, but love is too complex of an emotion for a truly disordered person.  As bpdfamily says, to pwBPD feelings = facts.  In one moment the pwBPD might feel very close to their partner and think they love them.  This is why BPD relationships often move so quickly.  But let's not forget that pwBPD have very unstable images of both themselves and those around them.  They have very little control over their emotions and therefore very little control over their lives.  pwBPD thrive on chaos, and so if it is not there, their emotions will create it.  BPD chaos comes from the fact that they experience emotions so much more strongly than nons do.  When a pwBPD is "so in love" with their partner, we can call this positive chaos.  It is exciting, captivating, and feels great for both parties.  Unfortunately, it isn't real and it isn't healthy.  This is because lurking right around the corner is the aspect of the personality disorder that is ready to paint the partner black, creating fights, rages, tantrums, all types of negative chaos. 

The most sad part for a pwBPD is that they cannot have stability.  Yes, their disorder may bring the the highs of feeling in love, but inside them lives a person with no self-esteem, no self-worth, who feels that no one could actually love them.  This inner hatred is turned outward, most often on their SO, because the better a relationship is going, the more the fear of loss builds for the BPD.  Rather than having a normal response of feeling "This relationship is great. I love my partner and look forward to building a life with them.  This is a person I can trust and rely on" the pwBPD experiences terrifying feelings of the possibility of loss and (usually subconsciously) finds a way to make that loss happen.  It can come from rage, lying, accusations, insults, abuse, etc.  They devalue their partners, who not long ago were the whole world to them, and destroy the relationship in some way or another. 

All of this is me trying to make sense of this devastating disorder.  In summary, pwBPD live on chaos.  The safety of stability is too terrifying for them, so they need extreme experiences, usually first positive, then negative.  Their emotions are undeveloped and thus they experience life much more intensely than you or I, creating even more strong emotions in them.  Their fundamental lack of self-worth makes them feel no one could ever really love them, consciously or not, making them continue to create chaos, and it goes on and on.  I would never want to go through life like this, unable to control my emotions, going from unstable relationship to unstable relationship, often leaving destruction in the wake.  Unfortunately we have all been through this, with our partners bringing the chaos of their lives into our own and causing severe amount of suffering.

[pfeiffj1]

This is truly one of the most brilliantly written pieces that I have ever read.  It so concisely sums up all the problems with this disorder and the hopelessness of it.  You sound very much like you are in the writing profession.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[GreenEyedMonster]

The safety of stability is too terrifying for them, so they need extreme experiences, usually first positive, then negative. 

I think this is true, but I also think that pwBPD experience the chaos as coming from outside themselves.  Pushing other people away is a way to get them to do something very active and obvious to PROVE their love.  They see the abandonment happening or imminent first.

Keep in mind also that many pwBPD have been used as supply by a narcissist at some point in their lives.  Narcissists have the idealize/devalue/discard cycle.  If you grew up with a narcissist, you would become hyper-vigilant about the existence of this cycle.  After being idealized and falling in love, you would EXPECT the devalue stage to come next, so you'd watch for it.  Then when the first signs of devaluation came, you'd bolt, because you'd know the discard was coming next.  So for a pwBPD, a small argument or criticism is like a can alongside the road for a war veteran -- it is just a can to the rest of us, but not for them.  In some ways, it resembles a personality defined by PTSD symptoms.

When they bolt and we don't chase, it feels like a narcissistic discard to the pwBPD, further entrenching their beliefs.

So the chaos inside them is really the leftover chaos from bad childhood relationships.

[StillRecovering]

I think this is true, but I also think that pwBPD experience the chaos as coming from outside themselves.  Pushing other people away is a way to get them to do something very active and obvious to PROVE their love.  They see the abandonment happening or imminent first.

Yes in my case there was a lot of push/pull.  There were a lot of strange signs toward the beginning that I missed, but looking back they were ways of making me try and prove my love.

Back to the chaos.  This message board may be helpful to vent about our BPDex's and try to cope, but the real purpose here should be understanding what kept us in the relationships.  We need to look at ourselves rather than at them.  They don't matter.  They will never have happy or healthy lives and that is very sad.  But it is irrelevant.  In examining my part in the relationship, I've realized that (maybe subconsciously) I liked the drama.  I never knew what part of her would show up on a given day.  Maybe this says something about my life.  The craziness of the BPD relationship gave me a high in some sort of way, and it was essentially an addiction.  I'm not an addictive person.  I'm not into drugs or drinking.  But the chaos of this relationship gave me something.  The anxiety of never knowing when she would fly off the handle and knowing that she never could provide me stability was somehow something I craved. 

I am focusing on this feeling and trying to understand it. Why would I want such instability in my life? What piece is missing such that it seemed I could fill it with this tumultuous relationship?  Like GreenEyedMonster said, why was I so willing to try and PROVE my love to someone who could never really reciprocate it?  The lengths I went to were beyond any normal, healthy relationship and were simply not necessary.  I'm just like everyone else here, trying to understand my codependency and what drew me to such a sick individual.  I continue to look at myself and try and find healthy ways to move on from this relationship, as everyone else here is trying to do.

[Missp]

A great read.

I have been contemplating my own choices too. My ex, who clearly had pd issues caused much emotional harm to my  diagnosed daughter and I am, obviously, accountable too.

When I have looked deeply at my life, I see that my childhood and family are deeply dysfunctional. It is likely/possible that the emotional fragility that is a component of BPD is genetic - and certainly, my family have this.  In my opinion, my mum and both my brothers struggle with multiple BPD traits that knock their lives for six.  There has been so much bridge burning. 

My dad was emotionally confusing.  Perhaps I have chosen a partner that I can solve the riddle of my father with.  Perhaps I am 'comfortable' with dysfunction.  Perhaps, I have spent so many years in my childhood family home trying to keep peace and harmony - that I unwittingly did this in my own relationship.

At least now I have a level of awareness that has been missing for the lion's part of my life.  It is painful to be so aware but I hope it will bring us peace in the future. 

[Bigmd]

Man, this hits the nail on the head, at least for my exgf. While there were many instances of rage and ST throughout the relationship, it was until June/July of 2015 when things went south. The good times were fewer and far between and she would get mad over trivial things more often. Which led to weeks of ST. When I look back 7months later I realize July was when we really started talking about moving in together with our kids and getting a house. I think this(engulfment?) was what put her over the edge. Plus other stressors in her life. Unfortunately I was the fallout. The breakup over the phone was full of projection. So 7 months later I'm moving on but still struggle once in a while. As we all know the process is not easy.

[kentavr3]

We can discuss over and over again what is BPD. It make us feel better and more calm for the short period of the time. Generally saying we got in this chaos relationships because we have a life trap. My father is NP . He is a professor in the University. Loved by students. By he was a monster-Rolle coaster toward me. As I remember, from when I was 6 years old he started humiliating me for nothing. He called me dumb, stupid idiot and etc. He called himself “teacher”, but I called his collection of words “teacher collection”. I became tolerant to this. His attitude to me ruined completely my self-esteem. I didn’t have a word “NO”. I didn’t have my own opinion. The only world where I felt myself comfortable was sport. This probably created a little bit of my self-esteem and character. My father cared about me just a little.  from my childhood I leant how to win his love. My mother is hysteric and probably BPD. She couldn’t assert my father. She was overprotective. So, my opinion wasn’t  value for her too. Their relationship  were stormy. A lot of fighting. I always lived in a Rolle caster of peace and war. No wander, that I went through 2 cycles of my 10 years marriage with BPD wife. And I still want her back to me. You would ask me if I want to get her out of my mind. I would say, that for the first sign yes. But, looks like no. this type of the relationship that called traumatic or Stockholm syndrome is attractive to me. I don’t know how to break it.

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness.[1][2] The FBI's Hostage Barricade Database System shows that roughly eight percent of victims show evidence of Stockholm syndrome.[3]Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes "strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."[4] One commonly used hypothesis to explain the effect of Stockholm syndrome is based on Freudian theory. It suggests that the bonding is the individual's response to trauma in becoming a victim. Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they cease to be perceived as a threat.[5]

[StillRecovering]

Kentavr - yes, there is a lot of Stockholm Syndrome with BPD.  And as MissP said, we have to look at our own choices that we made.  Why did we stay? Why did we put up with it? Or even more importantly Did we have a choice?  It is possible to be so enmeshed in these toxic relationships that we feel we don't have a choice to even leave them. 

Anyone who is on this site is here because they have been damaged by a BPD relationship.  It is important to understand BPD, which is very, very difficult to do because our emotions can often outweigh logic.  However, once we have reached that point, we really must look at ourselves and determine why we stayed in these relationships and how to avoid them in the future.  My therapist really nailed it for me one day when talking about the relationship.  She said, "If you were in a different place in your life you would have seen her coming a mile away and never would have gotten together with her."  My BPDexgf is so damaged with such a severe disorder that she might as well have Psycho tattooed on her forehead.  Yet something drew me to her.  This is why I am here and is what I am working on.

[apollotech]

This inner hatred is turned outward, most often on their SO, because the better a relationship is going, the more the fear of loss builds for the BPD.  Rather than having a normal response of feeling "This relationship is great. I love my partner and look forward to building a life with them.  This is a person I can trust and rely on" the pwBPD experiences terrifying feelings of the possibility of loss and (usually subconsciously) finds a way to make that loss happen.  It can come from rage, lying, accusations, insults, abuse, etc.  They devalue their partners, who not long ago were the whole world to them, and destroy the relationship in some way or another.

SR, I have a different take on what you've written above. I think that what you've described above is a product of fear of engulfment rather than fear of abandonment. For a pwBPD, maintaining the attachment is the priority (not the attached). They don't abandon an attachment for fear of losing it (that's counter to the objective = maintaining the attachment). What happens is, as you stated, the relationship becomes too intimate, too close. Engulfment sets in with the pwBPD. As a result, they'll employ those maladapted coping mechanisms that you spoke of, raging for example, to create distance in the relationship, thereby, negating the engulfment issue. Once the engulfment is abated, it is common for their abandonment issues (fear of abandonment) to trigger. That's when the pulling will start by the pwBPD; they'll come back. That's the push/pull cycle, engulfment being the push engine and abandonment being the pull engine. It is very difficult to actually get a pwBPD to abandon an attachment. Evidence to that is given (told) over and over again on these boards.

[GreenEyedMonster]

This inner hatred is turned outward, most often on their SO, because the better a relationship is going, the more the fear of loss builds for the BPD.  Rather than having a normal response of feeling "This relationship is great. I love my partner and look forward to building a life with them.  This is a person I can trust and rely on" the pwBPD experiences terrifying feelings of the possibility of loss and (usually subconsciously) finds a way to make that loss happen.  It can come from rage, lying, accusations, insults, abuse, etc.  They devalue their partners, who not long ago were the whole world to them, and destroy the relationship in some way or another.

SR, I have a different take on what you've written above. I think that what you've described above is a product of fear of engulfment rather than fear of abandonment. For a pwBPD, maintaining the attachment is the priority (not the attached). They don't abandon an attachment for fear of losing it (that's counter to the objective = maintaining the attachment). What happens is, as you stated, the relationship becomes too intimate, too close. Engulfment sets in with the pwBPD. As a result, they'll employ those maladapted coping mechanisms that you spoke of, raging for example, to create distance in the relationship, thereby, negating the engulfment issue. Once the engulfment is abated, it is common for their abandonment issues (fear of abandonment) to trigger. That's when the pulling will start by the pwBPD; they'll come back. That's the push/pull cycle, engulfment being the push engine and abandonment being the pull engine. It is very difficult to actually get a pwBPD to abandon an attachment. Evidence to that is given (told) over and over again on these boards.

I think either of the above can be true, depending on the individual.  That's why it's sometimes difficult to tell exactly what happened.

It can be a relief for a pwBPD to be abandoned if they believe it is imminent.  The anxiety of anticipating it becomes too much for them and they bail.

Engulfment is the fear that they will have to work so hard to be adequate for their partner that they will fail or lose their sense of self.  It's really just the other side of the coin of abandonment.

[C.Stein]

I think either of the above can be true, depending on the individual.  That's why it's sometimes difficult to tell exactly what happened.

It can be a relief for a pwBPD to be abandoned if they believe it is imminent.  The anxiety of anticipating it becomes too much for them and they bail.

Engulfment is the fear that they will have to work so hard to be adequate for their partner that they will fail or lose their sense of self.  It's really just the other side of the coin of abandonment.

In my case I don't think it was really abandonment or engulfment driven in the end.  My ex knew what she had done hurt me, she saw me withdraw and become distant as a result of her actions but she didn't do anything to pull me back in.  I believe this was because she didn't want to face what she had done.  It was avoidance ... .avoidance of the damage she had done, avoidance of the consequences of her actions, avoidance of her own feelings, avoidance of my pain, avoidance of accepting responsibility.   She expected me to fix all the damage she had caused on my own, which was impossible given only she could fix it.  So I was devalued and replaced ... .and once the replacement was presumably fairly secure I was thrown away like a piece of trash.

The negative to all this is it has destroyed me on multiple levels.  The positive is I have likely been spared a life of misery and pain, a potential emotionally damaged child if/when we built a family and perhaps even an early grave due to the physical impact of almost constant anxiety and stress. 

I am certainly no stranger to being hurt by women but this one has shaken and damaged me to my core.   I still struggle with this nearly every minute of the day even though it has been 6 months since I was thrown away.

[apollotech]

I think either of the above can be true, depending on the individual.  That's why it's sometimes difficult to tell exactly what happened.

It can be a relief for a pwBPD to be abandoned if they believe it is imminent.  The anxiety of anticipating it becomes too much for them and they bail.

Engulfment is the fear that they will have to work so hard to be adequate for their partner that they will fail or lose their sense of self.  It's really just the other side of the coin of abandonment.

GEM,

I am not trying to be confrontational here, but I have never seen your statements supported in any professional litetature regarding BPD. Where have you read that it is actually a "relief" for a pwBPD to be abandoned? That is completely contradictory to one of the core characteristics of the disorder. I have also never read in any professional text that fear of engulfment is associated with feelings of inadequacy. It is always associated with loss of self.

[C.Stein]

Where have you read that it is actually a "relief" for a pwBPD to be abandoned?

I can only speak for my own situation here but I believe for my ex it would have been a relief for her if I had ended it (i.e. abandon her completely).  In the end I believe she wanted ME to dump her so she wouldn't have to take responsibility for ending the relationship.  She wanted a scapegoat ... .someone to blame for her failures ... .some way to justify the likely affair she was having.

[kentavr3]

Let me share how I started my baby steps with relationships with my parents. I read a lot literature regarding BPD. But, anyway I had to turn a mirror toward myself. I’m codependent. Very heavy codependent. I understood about detachment and saying and making assertive relationship with my parents who divorced long time ago.

I keep preventing my mom from intruding to my life. When she visits me I put strong rules of my house. She can do only what I asked. She tries to do what she wants, but I stop it. I care of myself only. She can’t take care of me anymore. She can take care about herself only. I’m absolutely detached from her hysterics. She uses FOG. I started notice it. I don’t react on this anymore. I don’t accept anymore her complains that my father was Narcisse and she couldn’t leave good. It was her choice.

Father. This is who abused me from childhood. Full physical and emotional detachment. People around blame me that he is 80 years and die soon and I can’t be so strict to him. This is FOG. I’m not guilty that he is 80 years old. I don’t want to hear his criticism anymore. For the beginning, he criticized me for this behavioral. I used a method by questioning him : “DO YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU THINK THAT I’m BAD?” he didn’t know what to answer. His answer was “no”. NO? WHY THEN YOU CRITIZE ME?. If answer yes, “YOU NEED NO SEE A THERAPIST”.WE call each other on birthdays only. He doesn’t interesting in me. I don’t interesting in his business.

I went with a second cycle with my BPDw. She left me. 4 months passed and I haven’t bagged her to return. I see therapist. I go to SLAA meetings. Unfortunately, I started taking antidepressants. I still terribly missing my BPD. Antidepressants helped me to stay in real facts and take care of myself and my daughter.

[Narkiss]

But why do create/welcome chaos? It doesn't do anything except get them stuck in unresolvable/dysfunctional situations. And us, too. Why do we let it into our lives? Before I realized what was going on, I couldn't believe how crises just seemed to attach themselves to him. After one was resolved another would pop up. He seemed bewildered by this, but I realized that if there was a good way of handling a problem and a really terrible way that would invite more trouble, he would do the second. I felt like a stunned spectator. One week he calls me his salvation. The next week, he wants me to leave. He tells me he loves me, but then undermines it by getting into a scheme with his estranged wife to move his ill father across country. Which will mean more enmeshment, phone calls, etc. I tell him that it is painful to me (which makes him feel bad) and he goes silent. He is like a tornado in my life that has caused so much hurt and damage. It's like a relationship that really isn't a relationship. But I have allowed it, ignored flags, in denial that he won't change, made excuses. Why is this somehow so important that it works out? Even though I know it can't. Someone, please?

[Circle]

Great original post; interesting thread. Thanks for sharing!

[Circle]

Why is this somehow so important that it works out? Even though I know it can't. Someone, please?

I'm guessing that you are actively addicted to your pW/BPD.

[troisette]

"Inner hatred turned outward", yes - that's a classic manifestation of BPD. There is another type, not so easily known because the indicators are not overt and therefore less easily identifiable.

Quiet, or transparent, BPDs have the indicators but they are turned inwards, upon themselves. Imagine what hell that must be.

[Frank88]

Stillrecovering-you sound like me. Addicted to the drama. And how if you would have been in a different place in your life you would have seen this coming a mile away. The crazies always sized me up and then quickly averted their eyes because they knew I knew who they were. Same thing for men who try to size me up in a non sexual way.  Predators know when they've come across an animal who will fight them.  We will get back to where we used to be. I still want drama and action in my life. Boring is no fun. I'm 35+ and don't see that changing. It's refreshing to see some of the posters who acknowledge that they willingly jumped in head first. A lot of posters though are innocent victims. I feel the most for them and their struggle. The hit to my ego was asking myself why I stayed so long.

[MapleBob]

So wow, great thread so far! Lots of comments... .

The most sad part for a pwBPD is that they cannot have stability.

My probably-BPDexgf used to say constantly (whenever things would start to get emotionally charged for whatever reason) "I just really want calm. That's all I want in my life!" (Despite the fact that the lack of calm was usually a self-inflicted thought process that she was going through.)

I think this is true, but I also think that pwBPD experience the chaos as coming from outside themselves.  Pushing other people away is a way to get them to do something very active and obvious to PROVE their love.  They see the abandonment happening or imminent first.

My ex was alllllll about "testing". I think that whether we realize it or not, their hyper-vigilance about abandonment inevitably leads them to testing or requiring proof of our love. And we're bound to fail those tests one way or another because you just can't prove that you love someone!

It can be a relief for a pwBPD to be abandoned if they believe it is imminent.  The anxiety of anticipating it becomes too much for them and they bail.

I think that's when the testing starts... .and with my ex, they were impossible tests. Like "show up at my house 7 hours away after I've dumped you and told you to leave me alone." (She seriously expected that after one of her discards, and took me to task for not doing that.   )

"Inner hatred turned outward", yes - that's a classic manifestation of BPD. There is another type, not so easily known because the indicators are not overt and therefore less easily identifiable.

I think that's the base of the extreme feelings/actions/acting-out. I don't know that it always rises to the level of hatred, but I think that disordered/cluster-B individuals want PROOF. I feel like a great deal of their relationship style is about "prove that I'm good, or prove that I'm bad", and after a certain amount of testing you the second option is all that's left for them.

[gotbushels]

Interesting input on Stockholm syndrome. My friend thought I had it when I was with my ex pw.

[HarleypsychRN]

wow... .so nicely put. Thank you!

[Narkiss]

Circle: yes, still addicted. Physically, emotionally (I seem to be thinking of him at some level nearly all the time. I feel anguish when I don't talk to him for more than a few days), but not intellectually. I am seeing him for what he is -- and isn't. He was fired a few days ago from his job for misleading his boss, along with several other issues (communication problems, etc.). This has likely jettisoned his career. We talked on the phone the day after. I listened sympathetically, calmly (in short did all the right things). He told me he loved me. How much it has helped him get through the last year. Told me he would come visit me and apologized for not doing it sooner. In short, all quite wonderful.

THEN yesterday I found out that he was in town last weekend--several days before he got fired. (he had told me at one point that he might come that day, but never called) and attended a program from an organization that I also am involved in. Of course I would find out. Was he testing? Trying to cause more chaos in his life? (He does seem to think the chaos comes from external sources, not from him) He spoke at length to a friend of mine. He could have come to town easily without me ever knowing.

At first, I was very hurt and numb. Now I am just more curious.

[JerryRG]

I would like a recovery or support group in my area but there are none for nons. None for Nons? Great name . Anyway I life in a relitivly small community and I've searched larger places close by.

This is an addiction to me, I am alcoholic and never craved it, ex smoker but that was more like this addiction. I think about my pwBPD almost constantly and nothing works to distract for any length of time. Effective treatment would be helpful for me.

[Narkiss]

There is Codependents Anonymous --coda.org. They have support groups all over the place. If you live near Chicago, there is at least one support group for nons for people in relationships with pw BPD and NPG. Also maybe NAMI has something in your area -- National Alliance on Mental Illness.

[JerryRG]

Thank you narkiss, I will look into NAMI

[gotbushels]

Why is this somehow so important that it works out? Even though I know it can't. Someone, please?

I'm guessing that you are actively addicted to your pW/BPD.

That's a fair thought Circle. The people that BP attract to romantic relationships include persons in that area. Based on Narkiss's post, one can consider that addiction is a bit too far placed:)




Maybe it might help to look at the post again.

But why do create/welcome chaos? It doesn't do anything except get them stuck in unresolvable/dysfunctional situations.

Sometimes logic doesn't make sense to us when we are in the moment, BPs included. It's like telling someone who just crashed a car to "calm down". To get an idea of how they may feel things, you can see a car crash as a burning down of a house.

And us, too. Why do we let it into our lives?

This seems to stand out. A related question is "what does this relationship do for me?"

Before I realized what was going on, I couldn't believe how crises just seemed to attach themselves to him. After one was resolved another would pop up. He seemed bewildered by this, but I realized that if there was a good way of handling a problem and a really terrible way that would invite more trouble, he would do the second.

Problem solving is one way to bring someone that likes to fix things normally into one's life:) You can look at ineffective choices as an involuntary perpetuating behaviour that often seems difficult for the BP to self-correct.

But I have allowed it, ignored flags, in denial that he won't change, made excuses. Why is this somehow so important that it works out? Even though I know it can't. Someone, please?

Sure Narkiss:) I'd encourage you, for each of the items, sit down with a pen, and ask yourself why you allowed them to happen. This might be useful to you. Please don't forget to keep the paper to yourself. Bad things tend to happen that get in our way of healing when the BP finds out a non is trying to help themselves.

At first, I was very hurt and numb. Now I am just more curious.

I was too:) If you validate yourself, you can make the hurt diminish and focus on the numb:)

I hope you find rest.

[heartandwhole]

Hi StillRecovering,

I can relate very much to what you write in this post, thank you for sharing. I agree that while it is really helpful to learn about BPD, understanding and working through our own patterns and behavior during the relationship is where the true freedom lies.

The anxiety of never knowing when she would fly off the handle and knowing that she never could provide me stability was somehow something I craved. 

I am focusing on this feeling and trying to understand it. Why would I want such instability in my life? What piece is missing such that it seemed I could fill it with this tumultuous relationship?  Like GreenEyedMonster said, why was I so willing to try and PROVE my love to someone who could never really reciprocate it?  The lengths I went to were beyond any normal, healthy relationship and were simply not necessary.  I'm just like everyone else here, trying to understand my codependency and what drew me to such a sick individual.  I continue to look at myself and try and find healthy ways to move on from this relationship, as everyone else here is trying to do.

This has been my experience, too. And I remember reading something in Susan Anderson's "From Abandonment to Healing" that really struck me and seems to address your point. I understood what she said to be something like this: the reason we find ourselves in relationships like this is sometimes because early in our development we associated feelings of anxiety with love and attraction. The arousal (physiological) that accompanies the fear of loss of the attachment to one or both of our parents (for myriad reasons, like absence, neglect, invalidation, etc.) is coupled with the concept of being loved. I believe that that is why, in part, I was drawn to the intensity of the "connection" with pwBPD. It activated this anxiety inside of me that I "knew" (unconsciously) from my early development. That fear of loss = attraction and love (to me).

Don't know if that resonates, but it was  moment for me.

heartandwhole

[seenr]

I'm working with a Counsellor on this too.

My parents argued a lot when I was a kid. Me & my siblings spent a lot of time at the top of the stairs, able to recite the next lines coming and waiting for items to get broken. I too have to ask myself if the relationship with the exBPD was triggering off memories - that the anxiety I felt as a child resonated with that of being with my ex, the dynamic of all out war, then making up and working harder & harder to conquer the problems so that love could blossom.

It is sad, that many adults will put up with abuse in a search for love.