Feeling like I will never have a proper relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Over two weeks since I broke up with my BPDex, and my confidence is non-existent and I feel completely numb.

I had a look on Tinder just to see what was out there and the only girls I were attracted to were seemingly BPD/HPD as well (sexy poses, slutty clothes, tattoos, red flags in their bio, etc). I'm starting to think that I should just give up on trying to have a proper relationship with a nice girl, and just have non-committed relationships with these types of girls.

How many attractive girls are there in their late 20s that don't have significant relationship problems? I'm pretty sure almost all the nice, attractive girls are taken in their early 20s.

It feels like my two options are: get an attractive girl that has problems, or get a normal girl who I am not really attracted to.

[asphyx]

Over two weeks since I broke up with my BPDex, and my confidence is non-existent and I feel completely numb.

I had a look on Tinder just to see what was out there and the only girls I were attracted to were seemingly BPD/HPD as well (sexy poses, slutty clothes, tattoos, red flags in their bio, etc). I'm starting to think that I should just give up on trying to have a proper relationship with a nice girl, and just have non-committed relationships with these types of girls.

How many attractive girls are there in their late 20s that don't have significant relationship problems? I'm pretty sure almost all the nice, attractive girls are taken in their early 20s.

It feels like my two options are: get an attractive girl that has problems, or get a normal girl who I am not really attracted to.

[steelwork]

How many attractive girls are there in their late 20s that don't have significant relationship problems? I'm pretty sure almost all the nice, attractive girls are taken in their early 20s.

It feels like my two options are: get an attractive girl that has problems, or get a normal girl who I am not really attracted to.

Sorry you're having a rough time. Two weeks is absolutely no time at all, and maybe it's just too soon for you to be looking for dates.

Incidentally, I'm sure there are plenty of unattached women right here, reading your post, who are past their early twenties and are both attractive and normal.

Maybe there's something about the "not normal" ones that attracts you, though, and that's something that might take a while to figure out, too.

[SoMuchPain]

Sorry you're having a rough time. Two weeks is absolutely no time at all, and maybe it's just too soon for you to be looking for dates.

Incidentally, I'm sure there are plenty of unattached women right here, reading your post, who are past their early twenties and are both attractive and normal.

Lol, thank you for this.  OP, I am 33, have a solid high paying career, no kids or baggage, and told I'm a good 8.5/10.  I'm alone, and don't feel like I will ever have a proper relationship either.  

I do have issues though ... same as yours.  I'm clearly naturally drawn to chaos.

[Moselle]

It feels like my two options are: get an attractive girl that has problems, or get a normal girl who I am not really attracted to.

Asphyx, It's very early days, and i also understand the feelings of inadequacy. You are right about your choices though, a proper relationship with a nice girl, or a dysfunctional one with a not so nice one.

Steelwork is right. Why do you think you're attracted to the second type?

[asphyx]

Why do you think you're attracted to the second type?

I just find (most of) them extremely physically attractive. I'm not attracted to the drama, chaos, abuse, etc. at all. However I still tolerated all the negativity in my last relationship, I guess due to self-esteem issues and the false belief that it would get better over time.

Maybe Tinder is just a bad idea, as it seems to be swarmed with BPD/HPD girls looking to boost their ego.

[Moselle]

I still tolerated all the negativity in my last relationship, I guess due to self-esteem issues and the false belief that it would get better over time.

Maybe Tinder is just a bad idea, as it seems to be swarmed with BPD/HPD girls looking to boost their ego.

I'm glad you recognise the self esteem connection to this. I learned recently that we attract and are attracted to people with similar levels of self esteem.

We can change the game here. If we can improve our internal levels of esteem, we will attract healthier friends, acquaintances and even a healthy partner.

Online sites are places where cluster B personalities can be themselves. An attractive profile, no risk of connection, the chance to sleuth around a potential partner. It's like it was made for them But you no know what, once you develop a healthy dislike of drama and abuse, it becomes fairly easy to pick up. They bait you  you don't respond, they move on.

How healthy is your dislike of abuse at this stage? Until its quite strong, I'd steer clear of dating sites because the risk of picking another one is quite high.

[once removed]

hi asphyx 

its only been two weeks; be kind to yourself as you grieve this relationship. one alternative is to try out the single life while you do that. theres a lot of healthy, productive introspection that can be done while we grieve, and it sounds like youre starting that process and making insightful connections. it also sounds like youre learning to recognize and heed red flags, but be careful there, we tend to be hypervigilant about such things when we emerge from these relationships, i know i was.

[Icanteven]

How many attractive girls are there in their late 20s that don't have significant relationship problems? I'm pretty sure almost all the nice, attractive girls are taken in their early 20s.

It feels like my two options are: get an attractive girl that has problems, or get a normal girl who I am not really attracted to.

That's a really, really, really false choice on top of a really bad assumption.  Since my wife left, I have been on approximately a dozen dinner dates - all very platonic, though they could evolve were it not crystal clear that I'm not in any place to start dating and up until very recently was still actively trying to reconcile my marriage - with women no longer in their 20's, and there is a ton of opportunity out there.  For many, their careers took precedence for so long that they couldn't be in a committed relationship because they were committed to their jobs.  These are very successful - and in many cases very beautiful - attorneys, physicians, finance-types, business-owners, etc.

Are you going to have the all night sex is on fire the rest of the world can go to hell connection that you had with your BPD SO?  No, but being out for a bit now and re-establishing adult connections with real life adults, maybe we're not supposed to? 

There's a queen out there for you who is emotionally mature, professionally successful, great in bed, and marriage material; don't doubt that for one single second. 

[woundedPhoenix]

It's a normal place to be in. You've lost something and want to fill the void it left behind quickly.

But the irony is that when we move too fast, we will attract exactly that which we miss. And that just might be the high conflict type we've always chased after.

And it's never gonna change unless we withold the temptation and work through the loneliness, hurt and sadness, face it head on.

Because fear for dealing exactly with these emotions is what is the underlying dynamic that propels the attraction to BPD types.

[Herodias]

You are so young... .you have plenty of time. Don't try and rush anything. Enjoy your time with friends. You will meet someone you click with mentally and looks won't be the priority... .That's the problem with online dating... it is like shopping for someone you are attracted to. You need to get to know someone before you have a relationship anyway. Take your time... trying to do this too soon will just have you mixed up with another wrong person when you should be taking time to find yourself and feel good about who you are. Until you are content with yourself, you will not attract anyone worthy of a deep loving relationship anyway. You will also just get depressed going out, thinking you will never meet anyone. Learn to like you and you won't feel the need to be with someone. I hate to say it, but codependent people are the ones who are in so much pain when they are alone. They feel desperate to be with someone to feel good about themselves... .Don't be that way. Get with family and friends, develop a hobby, anything to distract yourself from the BPD and you will feel better about yourself and when the time is right, the perfect person will come into your life. You are a whole person with out a partner- it is ok to be single. You have allot of time. Use this experience to learn from now, so you do not repeat it over and over- from not ever learning and end up 51 and alone, like me,   I have finally learned! I feel the same way, like I will never meet anyone. But I am convinced if it is supposed to happen, it will. I am not ready now anyway... .I have no interest because of all the bad r/s's I have had. So, learn to be alone now... .My nephew is in the air force and traveling all the time. He is in his twenties and says that he doesn't want a gf now... .he doesn't want to have to ask permission to do anything. I can see his point. Look at the bright side. You will have plenty of time for that. Enjoy your freedom now 

[Hopefulgirl]

You've had a big learning experience from what you've been through. Just don't fall into what I've done... .starting to date again and when you meet someone who is attractive and "normal" and over thinking and overanalyzing looking for those red flags where there aren't any. I know amazing girls in their twenties who are just working on building their lives and wish great guys would just ask them out.

Ironically, until you've had enough time for self reflection you will end up thinking a woman who doesn't have a Personality Disorder is BORING!

[Moselle]

Ironically, until you've had enough time for self reflection you will end up thinking a woman who doesn't have a Personality Disorder is BORING!

Very good point Hopefulgirl. How can we re-frame this?

Its important for me, because I don't want to find healthy "boring". Is it "intensity" that we are looking for in a Borderline?

I have a date on thursday night with someone who seems witty and normal, and I don't want to go in with a problematic mindset. what do you suggest?

[woundedPhoenix]

Very good point Hopefulgirl. How can we re-frame this?

Its important for me, because I don't want to find healthy "boring". Is it "intensity" that we are looking for in a Borderline?

I have a date on thursday night with someone who seems witty and normal, and I don't want to go in with a problematic mindset. what do you suggest?

We assumed that True Love had to be instant and start with a big bang of emotions right up front. That's just judging a book by it's cover isn't it?

True Love is actually reading the book, building knowledge and experience with eachother, and each page you turn, your bond grows stronger. It's a totally different thing, but you have to step away from the instant gratification mindset.

[Moselle]

True Love is actually reading the book, building knowledge and experience with eachother, and each page you turn, your bond grows stronger. It's a totally different thing, but you have to step away from the instant gratification mindset.

WoundedPhoenix, thanks for this insight! I agree. Love is built slowly and calmly as opposed to the intense madness of a BPD relationship. I realise that things are done and said to shock us and keep us on edge the whole time in these relationships

[woundedPhoenix]

WoundedPhoenix, thanks for this insight! I agree. Love is built slowly and calmly as opposed to the intense madness of a BPD relationship. I realise that things are done and said to shock us and keep us on edge the whole time in these relationships

The intensity and BPD madness is there to override trust issues, abandonment fears and low self esteem in BPDs and probably nons in a lesser degree. Without intensity you fall back to intimacy, which raises exactly those things that the intensity is trying to avoid.

[Moselle]

The intensity and BPD madness is there to override trust issues, abandonment fears and low self esteem in BPDs and probably nons in a lesser degree. Without intensity you fall back to intimacy, which raises exactly those things that the intensity is trying to avoid.

Fascinating. And the subconscious is hijacked into becoming hypersensitive to the drama. It's not doing its normal job of regulating and centering emotions. And that's when it becomes dysfunctional.

[woundedPhoenix]

Fascinating. And the subconscious is hijacked into becoming hypersensitive to the drama. It's not doing its normal job of regulating and centering emotions. And that's when it becomes dysfunctional.

Remarkeable how we just nailed it all in a few sentences. The subconscious is indeed hijacked to associate the drama with love, and remains in constant conflict itself because it also wishes to achieve stability in love.

And we think to achieve this stability we must proove our love more, which only intensifies the drama on the BPD side

[Fie]

Online sites are places where cluster B personalities can be themselves. An attractive profile, no risk of connection, the chance to sleuth around a potential partner. It's like it was made for them grin But you no know what, once you develop a healthy dislike of drama and abuse, it becomes fairly easy to pick up. They bait you  you don't respond, they move on.

A friend of  mine, who's psychologist, has the same idea.

How about meeting people in a more 'normal' environment ? Like reaching out through meetup.com ? You just go to a meetup to the specific activity you're interested in, to have fun and make new friends along the way. If you meet someone, great. If not, at least your time was well spent !

[Moselle]

Fie, that is such a cool site. I found a meetup tomorrow on Strategy and Business Leadership. Two passions of mine. Thanks