Asking for Trouble?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Quick question. A few days ago, my exBPDw's current boyfriend's ex-girl friend texted me. She was basically just looking for closure and to talk a bit about the situation. We are basically in the same situation--both of our ex-partners cheated on us with each other and were very sh!tty to us.

Anyway, long story short, we've been texting a good bit for the past three days and were thinking about meeting up to talk in person.

Is this a bad idea? Is this somehow clinging on to drama or would this be a good person to talk to and get negative feelings off of our chest?

[thrownforaloop]

Quick question. A few days ago, my exBPDw's current boyfriend's ex-girl friend texted me. She was basically just looking for closure and to talk a bit about the situation. We are basically in the same situation--both of our ex-partners cheated on us with each other and were very sh!tty to us.

Anyway, long story short, we've been texting a good bit for the past three days and were thinking about meeting up to talk in person.

Is this a bad idea? Is this somehow clinging on to drama or would this be a good person to talk to and get negative feelings off of our chest?

[seenr]

This is a purely personal opinion but I think it might bring closure.

The danger is that ye get intimate on some sort of revenge mission towards them?

I just think if this could bring you emotional peace or well being then yes, if it makes it worse, no way.

[once removed]

hi thrownforaloop 

the situation is ultimately what the two of you make of it really. my ex cut off two of her best friends some time after we broke up. i was nosy, i waited a long time, and reached out to them, and nothing bad came of that; we did not meet in person.

only you can answer whether its clinging on to drama vs two people in a bad situation sharing with each other, as far as you are concerned. how do you feel about it as far as she is concerned?

[thrownforaloop]

only you can answer whether its clinging on to drama vs two people in a bad situation sharing with each other, as far as you are concerned. how do you feel about it as far as she is concerned?

Thanks for the responses. As far as she is concerned, it seems like she is taking it really hard. Her ex actually kept the lies going longer than it took me to discover them from my ex, so she's a month behind me in the healing process. I feel pretty bad for her, since her family doesn't seem to be as supportive and she's not in therapy.

While the idea of hooking up and completely messing with our ex's heads sounds funny in theory, I just can't picture that actually happening. This would just be a calm meet up and talking through some things.

I think it may be helpful for some degree of closure about feelings, but on the other hand, I don't want her telling me details about my exBPDw that could potentially devastate me. I know enough bad things about my ex that anything further would just be unnecessary pain, you know?

Really tough decision for me.

[once removed]

Thanks for the responses. As far as she is concerned, it seems like she is taking it really hard. Her ex actually kept the lies going longer than it took me to discover them from my ex, so she's a month behind me in the healing process. I feel pretty bad for her, since her family doesn't seem to be as supportive and she's not in therapy.

my advice is tread carefully. either of you may become very attached (if not romantically). one or both of you could get hurt here, both of you are already hurting. it is also easy for two hurt, well intentioned people, to validate each others hurt, and stoke each others anger - you probably do not want to be part of revenge tactics, and you cant necessarily control whether she will engage in them, or use information that you give her and implicate you.

[thrownforaloop]

or use information that you give her and implicate you.

That is very wise to think that far ahead. I hadn't really considered that as a possibility. I figured, worse case scenario would be her telling them that we saw each other, not her using information that I gave her to bring me trouble.

I think that changes things. Maybe I should pass on seeing her then. Thank you.

[Fie]

Hello 

If you do decide to meet, maybe you'd want to postpone ? To a time where you feel more stable and secure about it all ?

[once removed]

I figured, worse case scenario would be her telling them that we saw each other, not her using information that I gave her to bring me trouble.

to be clear im not suggesting this person would do anything malicious (although that is a consideration). lets say you tell her something that upsets her, she loses her cool and fires off a message to him, how dare you blah blah blah. drama ensues, everyone loses.

i like Fie's suggestion. giving it some time cant hurt.

[thrownforaloop]

Thanks, Fie and once removed, that's probably the right thing to do.

And once removed, yeah, sorry I didn't mean to make it sound like that would absolutely happen and you were mistrusting her--I just hadn't really considered it as a possibility, so thank you.