When I am the one raging

[Forever to Roam]

I don't know where to post this. And I'm very, very afraid to share this; but that tells me it's something I probably need to share.

How do I stop perpetuating the abuse cycle? I remember witnessing both my parents (uBPDm and uNPDf) in rages, at different times, or simultaneously. I remember sometimes being the target of those rages, or seeing my sisters being the targets. It's a horrible thing to be on the receiving end of, and nobody deserves that.

Which is why it is so awful that I have done it. I have yelled and raged at my husband. And what's worse is that a few times when I am raging, I have physically hurt him. I don't know how many times I have raged, but I have physically hurt him maybe 6 times in the 8 years we've been together. Always I will know when I have reached the breaking point, where I am so angry, I feel compelled to do something, throw something, expend all this furious energy somehow. Always when I have reached this point I walk away, out of the house, out of the car, away from his presence; I will walk or run to use up that energy, maybe find a tennis ball to throw for my dog. I will curse the air blue, and then think very thoroughly about the argument and what his point is, what my point is, and whether it's worth fighting over and what compromise we can reach. Except in the more recent years, my husband has decided it is really not OK for me to walk away - he wants me stay and finish the argument. At first he just called after me; when that didn't work, he started blocking my exit or grabbing my arm. This is when I hurt him. I've gripped his arm or hand in such a way as to make him let me go. I've hit him, or pushed him very hard to get past him.

I am appalled and ashamed that I have ever hurt another human being in any way, especially one I love so well. What kind of person does this make me? I abhor the idea that I might be like my parents, and yet it seems the most obvious conclusion. I've apologized over and over, and he has accepted it, but I can't get over the shame. I'm still not sure I've forgiven my parents, how can he forgive me?

I've tried discussing it with him, hoping he will understand, he cannot touch me when I am angry. I have to be allowed to walk away, I need that avenue of escape or I will panic. He says he sees my walking away during an argument as my being disgusted with him, that he cannot stand my being so disgusted with him that I walk away. He doesn't understand that I am not disgusted with him at all, I am trying to stop my anger in one of the few ways I know how. And so, he blocks my way or grabs me to stop me from walking away. This most recent incident triggered a memory of my uNPDf grabbing my arm in exactly the same way, and I again hurt my husband.

I am making massive efforts to never let my anger reach that point at all and I have successfully reduced the frequency of my own rages. But it still happens sometimes, and when it happens, I need to be able to walk away. To protect both of us from the damage my anger can cause.

What else can I do to stop myself from doing this? Reflex or not, it is unacceptable. How do I stop the rage before it starts?

[eeks]

Hi Forever to Roam,

I am appalled and ashamed that I have ever hurt another human being in any way, especially one I love so well. What kind of person does this make me? I abhor the idea that I might be like my parents, and yet it seems the most obvious conclusion. I've apologized over and over, and he has accepted it, but I can't get over the shame. I'm still not sure I've forgiven my parents, how can he forgive me?

Yes, you can feel genuine shame for hurting another person, but you're admitting that it happened and you seem sincere in saying you want to change it and are willing to make efforts to that end, and those are positive and mature things to do.

What do you think this shame is really about?  Is it yours, or does it happen because of others' feared or actual judgments of you?  Do you think that feeling shame is helpful towards changing your behaviour?  If not, what would help?

I've tried discussing it with him, hoping he will understand, he cannot touch me when I am angry. I have to be allowed to walk away, I need that avenue of escape or I will panic. He says he sees my walking away during an argument as my being disgusted with him, that he cannot stand my being so disgusted with him that I walk away. He doesn't understand that I am not disgusted with him at all, I am trying to stop my anger in one of the few ways I know how. And so, he blocks my way or grabs me to stop me from walking away.

I see both sides, here.  For you, walking away is damage control, the best you know how to do at the time to stop yourself from raging at him, and walking away also helps you feel safe (you panic if you do not have an "escape hatch".  For your husband, it sounds to me like you walking away feels like abandonment to him, and he thinks that's happening because he's not good enough.  You feel safe when you distance yourself from your partner, and he feels safe when he stays close to his partner.  So you can see the conundrum, there.

You may eventually get to the point where you can "stop the rage before it starts", as you say, but I suspect that the first step will be learning to change your response after the rage has already been triggered, including understanding why you are angry, what it is that you really want, and what might be a healthier way to get what you want.

I do think that eventually you will need to learn to not walk away, or at least walk away "differently", find a way to communicate to your husband that you're not abandoning him.  He will have some work to do as well, like what are his steps in the "dance" between the two of you that eventually leads to you raging.

I highly recommend that you read at least one relationship book that uses adult attachment style to improve intimate relationships (e.g. Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson, Wired for Love by Dr. Stan Tatkin)   

All these books emphasize that although each partner is responsible for how they communicate and their behaviours, it's also non-negotiable that each partner has to help the other feel safe even when that's hard, and this safety in relationships is a physiological phenomenon (which could be why, even if your husband can rationally understand that you walking away does not mean he is defective, he has a strong instinctual reaction to force you to stay close so he can feel safe.)

This most recent incident triggered a memory of my uNPDf grabbing my arm in exactly the same way, and I again hurt my husband.

This is interesting.  Is it possible that some of your rage at your husband might actually be at your father?  When you were a child, your father was bigger, older and had authority over you, and it may have been risky for you to express your anger at him.  It doesn't sound like you repress anger, rather that you express it in a way that you feel is inappropriate and damaging.  I wonder if that's because you haven't yet been able to express your anger at the right person/people for the right things?

If you find that some of the anger is at your father (or both your parents), this could be an interesting thing to explore with a therapist (specifically a T who has done their own work around anger and can support you in expressing it at your parents even if they are not in the room).  Confronting your actual parents is a more complex matter, and best undertaken with the guidance of a T and sometimes not advisable at all.

eeks

[Forever to Roam]

Thank you, thank you, eeks, for replying - and so in-depth! And thank you for the book recommendations - I'm now going to look for those the next time I visit the library.

What do you think this shame is really about?  Is it yours, or does it happen because of others' feared or actual judgments of you?  Do you think that feeling shame is helpful towards changing your behaviour?  If not, what would help?

I feel like the shame is mostly the shame of knowing I have hurt someone I love and that hurting him is wrong. I have a strong moral compass and I am not OK with myself doing this in any way.

I am afraid of the judgements of others, this is the first time I've told anybody for exactly that reason. I felt l should be able to fix myself without help. But I have come to realize, after I tried to come to some sort of understanding with my husband and failed, that I do need help and I want to be a better person more than I fear judgement.

So, overall, I think this particular shame is helpful towards changing my behavior. Likely because it is not an all-encompassing shame of the sort I felt when depressed. I do not currently feel that this act defines who I am as a person, but I am very ashamed of what I have done.

For your husband, it sounds to me like you walking away feels like abandonment to him, and he thinks that's happening because he's not good enough.  You feel safe when you distance yourself from your partner, and he feels safe when he stays close to his partner.

: Idea: Holy cannoli, when I read that it all clicked! Somehow, his words of disgust did not translate to me as perceived abandonment and it's resultant reflection on him as a person; but that is something I can definitely understand, and I can see where it may have come from. Empathy... .very important part of relationships.

  Is it possible that some of your rage at your husband might actually be at your father?  When you were a child, your father was bigger, older and had authority over you, and it may have been risky for you to express your anger at him.  It doesn't sound like you repress anger, rather that you express it in a way that you feel is inappropriate and damaging.  I wonder if that's because you haven't yet been able to express your anger at the right person/people for the right things?

There is no doubt in my mind that a portion of that anger is really at my father. And mother.  Actually, while I might feel some anger towards my husband at times, most, if not all of the rage is probably at them, though I'm NC with them now. I did repress my anger for a long time, because, as you said, it was risky and flat-out unacceptable for me to express negative feelings towards them. I only started to feel safe expressing anger with my husband because I trust him to love me anyway, which he has, and to know that I still love him, which is perhaps his trouble with my waking away.

this could be an interesting thing to explore with a therapist (specifically a T who has done their own work around anger and can support you in expressing it at your parents even if they are not in the room)

I have looked for and been to therapists, but I've had a hard time finding one I trust after moving away from the last one. I suppose I've been using this forum in place of an actual therapist lately. I don't know if that's a bad thing.

Thank you again for your words and advice. You have said things I really needed to hear.

[HurtinNW]

A huge part of these relationships is doing things we are ashamed of. I think of some of my behaviors... .I am appalled at myself. Mortified.

I think that is a true sign of conscience, it isn't what was done to us but what we did to others that makes us cringe.

One thing that has helped me is understanding my amends. That doesn't mean you have to tell the other person, because sometimes that isn't healthy. My ex would take any amends at this point as a chance to hurt me. But I am learning how to understand my own remorse. Some people write out their amends in letters they don't send. There are lot of ways to own and process your own actions.

Along with understanding your reactivity, simple tools to disengage before it gets too late really, really work. There is a book The High Conflict Couple which has a lot of ideas on that. There is also a lot of info out there on self-soothing, taking breaks, avoiding triggers, all sorts of ways you can slow down or stop the reactions.

Remember, feelings are normal. Feeling angry is normal. All feelings are okay. It's how we react to them that matters, and in these relationships we often find ourselves reacting in shaming ways. Same with our partners. But we can step back, use our tools, and get a handle on ourselves.

Big hugs for you, you are courageous... .and not unusual!   

[Grey Kitty]

Except in the more recent years, my husband has decided it is really not OK for me to walk away - he wants me stay and finish the argument. At first he just called after me; when that didn't work, he started blocking my exit or grabbing my arm. This is when I hurt him. I've gripped his arm or hand in such a way as to make him let me go. I've hit him, or pushed him very hard to get past him.

First things first. What he is doing is NOT OK, and letting him do it to you there is also not ok.

Restraining somebody (i.e. not letting them leave) meets the definition of domestic violence in most (if not all) jurisdictions.

What else can I do to stop myself from doing this? Reflex or not, it is unacceptable. How do I stop the rage before it starts?

Next time he blocks your way, get your phone out, tell him that restraining you is domestic violence, you have 911 entered, and will hit "send" to get the police there if he doesn't let you past immediately. Don't say this as a bluff, mean it, and don't debate or argue. Either he is letting you go, or the police will be involved. (Note: Law enforcement is strongly biased to blame the man instead of the woman in domestic violence situations, regardless of the actual situation, so you should be pretty safe here.)

You should have zero tolerance for forcing you to stay and finish the argument.

Step one is figure out that you have the power to get yourself free of these situations. Just knowing that this is in your back pocket makes it easier to stay calm. But don't use it as an excuse to force yourself to take more verbal abuse.


And don't be surprised if he does push you to the limit this way and you have to call the police.


Step two is figuring out ways to avoid being so triggered and angry... .and ways to avoid triggering him so much, and trying to stop it before it gets to this level.

Tip 1: Act earlier, not later. He has no right to force you into "finishing" an argument. Ever. You don't have to take that bait just because he tells you that you do.

Tip 2: When you leave to avoid a fight, especially if you leave the house, here is something you can do to minimize his abandonment feelings. Say something like this: "I'm going out to [the grocery store][walk around the block][the library][Or don't say where if it isn't clear/easy]. I will return in [XX minutes][Y hours][after work][At 5pm][tomorrow morning]" Then honor that commitment you made about returning.

Note 1... .Do NOT use a word like "soon" or "later" You will get in a fight about what soon means when you return. Define time in a way that will make it very clear what honoring your word entails.

Note 2... .You are promising to return. Do that. You are not promising to be a target for verbal abuse, or continue an argument. If you return to the exact same situation that you left to avoid, leave again. For longer this time.

Note 3... .Minimum time away is 15~20 minutes. At least give both of you time to flush your bloodstream of adrenaline.