Help me plan

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

It's time for my nightly freaking out post. This is the first weekend I will be without my children since we separated. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do to have fun. This is a trial run for next week when they will be gone for a week.

Ideas? Strategies?

[atomic popsicles]

Hi all,

It's time for my nightly freaking out post. This is the first weekend I will be without my children since we separated. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do to have fun. This is a trial run for next week when they will be gone for a week.

Ideas? Strategies?

[joeramabeme]

Atomic; great question and your answer starts with publishing this post.

Here are some quick thoughts.  :)on't spend too much time alone if you can help it or if you know it makes you squirelly.  Tell your friends in advance what is happening and ask them to make plans with you or include you in theirs.  Have something fun that you would like to do but don't have time for when the kids are around?  Good timing to do it here.

I am sure others will have ideas too.  My first vacation as a bachelor was really difficult.  I did not properly plan and the emotions blindsided me.  The fact that you are planning is going to go a long ways.

JRB

[Mutt]

Hi atomic popsicles,



Do you exercise?

[atomic popsicles]

Mutt,

Rarely, but I need to start. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin now. I was thinking of taking one of my dogs on a long walk.

[Mutt]

Hi atomic popsicles,

Going for a long walk with your dogs sounds like a good idea   Exercise boosts your mood, helps with anxiety, depression and you sleep better. I hope that helps.

[Herodias]

Get together with family or friends... .go to dinner or a movie, find a hobby, read a good book, exercise, walk, do you have a trail, beach or park area to hike? There are lots of things to do... .you just have to make yourself.

[seenr]

Facing into my third weekend without my Son since the split.

I went to visit a friend the first weekend, but ended up drinking & alcohol mixed with a low mood is not good. No alcohol since.

Have joined the gym and spend a lot of time there. Plan to do a number of sessions over the weekend.

Also I plan to watch some of the sport on TV over the weekend.

It can be lonely, but for now it is all I can do as I don't feel like meeting a lot of people don't feel like dating, don't feel like drinking or going out. So basically trying to be ok with being on my own and building from there.

Hi all,

It's time for my nightly freaking out post. This is the first weekend I will be without my children since we separated. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what to do to have fun. This is a trial run for next week when they will be gone for a week.

Ideas? Strategies?

[Fie]

Hello atomic popsicles,

I used to feel horrible on weekends my daughter was not with me. So I understand how you feel.  

Now I got used to it, and sometimes I even like it - although I would prefer she was with me all of the time.

In the beginning, I filled up my weekend with activities, friends, etc. Maybe it was good for a while not to sit depressed by myself, but after a while I decided that I was mainly running away from myself.

Than I changed  tactic. I figured that ok, it was about my daughter, but it was also something else. I could not be alone (reason why I stayed so long in a BPD relationship).

So I started to meditate, and to feel my feelings, if you know what I mean. I wrote down how I felt, I kept a diary.

I calmed myself down with meditation music whenever I felt I started to panic, and I went running. And I read self help books, to figure out the reasons why I stayed in a BPD relationship. I read a lot !

I still met up with friends and did activities. But let's  say one day out of the weekend I 'forced' myself to do the things I mentioned.

For the first time in my life now, I am able to be alone. I even like it sometimes. I'm 37.

[Herodias]

"For the first time in my life now, I am able to be alone. I even like it sometimes."

Yes! I do now too! Love it! Maybe too much, but that is ok... .I go out 2 to 3 times a week and do things with family and/or friends. The rest of the time I am alone and just fine. No more craziness. I post on here, read, watch tv, talk to friends on the phone. I have a very social job, so I talk to people all day. It is nice to just be quiet at night. Glad I do not have to deal with the pwBPD and the whole craziness there anymore. I hope one day I can meet someone who is more like how I am. Just simple enjoying life and my surroundings. I like photography and I plan on taking a class eventually. Right now I like to do that by myself too. Just me and nature... .I do have pets and they keep me company. I never had kids and felt kind of bad about it, but I am realizing it was my ex making me feel that way. I am fine, just fine. I wish we had more of a "Golden Girls" situation, where people could get together and live to save money... .we would have company if we wanted. Problem is, it is so hard to get along with other peoples quirks these days... .and you don't know who you can trust.

[unsureuncertain]

Perhaps you can look for a local meet up in Your area or get involved in an adults sports league. Even volunteering for a cause you are passionate about ahold help you connect with others. Being busy and social will help you keep busy and distracted.

[atomic popsicles]

Seenr, this is my first without my children. And like you, I stopped drinking last year when the stbx hit a rough spot. It got me all sad so I'd cry and cry... .if I start now I won't stop. Actually, my friends all told me to watch Juno, that it was funny. The ending just destroyed me.

Fie, I understand. Several friends have asked me to do things, but I also feel like I have to go through this to get through it. I can't afford to distract myself with other activities, financially or emotionally. I do have plans tomorrow during the day and Sunday during the day. I'm not ready to go to parties or barbecues where I have to explain stuff. I have to learn to be ok alone. But, wow.

Herodias, I want to be fine.

I have to learn to be ok alone so I can get through this and if one day I do meet some one I have to be sure it's not codependent.

[Herodias]

I was listening to someone say that codepedancy is such a negative term. He calls it self love deficiency. SLD. I thought about it and that makes more sense- when we love ourselves and have boundaries we can overcome our issues. Codependacy seems so definite even with the term codependency no more. I'm trying to love myself and make rules for myself and starting to feel like I'm more in control than I ever knew. I can change and be a better person. I think this will enable me to be around better people and get more respect. Work on you and you'll feel up to it. You don't have to spend money to get out of the house. Being alone all the time makes you depressed. Please be careful of that. I like to be alone too, but I make myself get out. You just have to for your own sanity , take care...

[Turkish]

I don't know what to do to have fun. This is a trial run for next week when they will be gone for a week.

Ideas? Strategies?

Is it hard to separate having fun without the kids?

I remember when my ex moved out.  Other than one 4 day business trip (before the second child ) and one weekend helping my mom 120 miles away,  I'd never been away from them since they were born. I kind of freaked out (and angry at my ex for taking the kids,  despite the custody agreement). I didn't know what to do with myself,  it was a shock. Hiking helped (I'm kind of a hermit). I know this is obvious,  but time helped me get used to the new routine.  I learned to be comfortable alone with myself in the home I only bought because I had a family.