Wife with suspected BPD doent feel validated - wants to know how I validate her.

[Trygvasson]

Hi

I love my wife dearly, I suspect that she suffer from BPD (why im on this forum). And we are sadly close to divorce. In arguments I never get upset, bit strongly focuses on validation, acknowledgement, seing her and her feelings (a lot is learned via practise, this page/internet and my therspist whome I go to to understand my suspected BPD wife). Wheter Im good ar validation and acknowledgement I dont know, but Im at least very aware of the importance of it and I try really hard.

After the last bad episode, my wife now gave me the task to come up with an action plan (22h deadline) on how Im in the future is going to start validate her feelings.

I dont know what to do. Should I tell her all the things I do (engage in the argument, justify my actions) or should I say something else? Suggestions?

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[lbjnltx]

Putting validation into practice can sometimes come across as less than sincere.  Is this what your wife may be experiencing? 

It does take time to get it down and be able to express authentically.

Here are the basic principles of validation:

Listen to what is being said.

Listen to the feelings being expressed.

Listed to the needs being expressed.

Understand by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best as you can.

For it to be authentic it requires us to give up all problem solving attempts and just be present in the moment for that person.  Have you read the book "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg?

It's the best validation resource I have found.  It also takes validation to the next level into how to keep problems where they belong... .with the person with the problem while still being supportive.  It's done by asking validating questions.

How might your wife respond if you told her you were going to  "listen, listen, listen and understand" to be able to validate here and that maybe you would order this book to be the best validator you could be?

lbj

[ArleighBurke]

SHE's tasked YOU with coming up with an action plan!

That really sounds like her blaming YOU for the problems between you both - which is a classic trait of the illness!

I would be very wary of this as a form of JADE - she's asking you to accept blame, and detail what you are going to do about it, so that she can hold you to it later.

I would suggest responding with something like "as a partner in this marraige I will do (vague thing - listen, try etc) just like I expect you to".

(and then prepare for sparks... .)