Are you in love with your BPD Spouse / SO?

[Icanteven]

What does "honoring her choice" look like for you?  What does "loving her" look like now?

FF

For better or worse, honoring her choice is the easy part:  I've had to let her go.  She's on her own journey now.  I would love to share it with her, but after being in therapy for a while now, my T has been able to distill her decision to leave and unwillingness to reconcile to very clear, very problematic FOO issues that I can't fix and that will haunt any relationship she ever engages in.

As far as loving her now?  I still find myself telling her I love her in my head when I'm in the shower or driving to work or after putting the children to bed or just even sitting on the couch watching tv, because I do still love her very very much.  But, unless a true miracle happens, she's not coming back and that's that.  Loving her now and honoring her choice are one and the same:  letting her go to live her life and finish her journey without me.

[formflier]

 Loving her now and honoring her choice are one and the same:  letting her go to live her life and finish her journey without me.

Very well said.

FF

[Moselle]

Loving her now and honoring her choice are one and the same:  letting her go to live her life and finish her journey without me.

Icanteven. I can feel the pain in that - I made the same choice. Ironically when it came to letting her go, our MC said its the highest form of love we can offer. She looked at her when she said it, but I think my ex completely missed the point. She was back on her horse saying "Why don't you fight for me?".  

Now 2 years of court rooms later, I'm still fighting her, not for her. I'm praying for settlement on monday. Dear Lord let this end.

[flourdust]

No, I don't love her any more. For years, she verbally abused me, browbeat me, called me names, criticized everything I did (and many things I did only in her mind), and made it so I had to subjugate myself to her explosive and irrational moods.

Who could love someone like that? A masochist?

[Lucky Jim]

She has proven she cannot be trusted to focus her anger away from the kids so I stay to let her focus it on me.

hmcbart: I did this, too, figuring that it was better for me to be the buffer between the kids and her anger.

Many times we nons "give too much" and then can't do our best.

FF: Agree w/that.  We Nons tend to put so much energy into taking care of our BPD SO that we neglect to care for ourselves, which leads to burnout & exhaustion.  Towards the end, I was no longer at my best.

Do I have the guts to change? Do I have what it takes to "lead" someone who holds so much against me and blames me for everything that goes wrong.

byfaith: Yes, I believe you do have the guts to do what it takes.  Of course you will be blamed (so what?).

I have learned that it takes a lot more than normal abilities to coexist with a PBD partner.  I can't have bad days, moods changes, different opinions, changes of opinions, moments of human weakness, losses of temper, voice any disagreement, raised voices, deep breaths that are audible, I can't be too tired to talk about it, and so forth.  Any variance is trigger for something. 

Samwize: Agree.  You are not superman!  Think it's unrealistic to think you can't have a bad day.

Loving her now and honoring her choice are one and the same:  letting her go to live her life and finish her journey without me.

Icanteven: Agree, that's the loving thing for both of you, as hard as it is.

No, I don't love her any more. For years, she verbally abused me, browbeat me, called me names, criticized everything I did (and many things I did only in her mind), and made it so I had to subjugate myself to her explosive and irrational moods.  Who could love someone like that? A masochist?

flourdust: I echo your thoughts.  After years of abuse, my love for her died.  Now I feel indifferent.

Thanks to all for your thoughtful posts!

LuckyJim

[SoMadSoSad]

Yes I love her, the good and the bad

[SamwizeGamgee]

Yes I love her, the good and the bad

Maybe that's the decider for staying or going. There is support and strategies for both goals.

[Moselle]

Stay or go, please prepare yourselves for them leaving because that is totally out of your control. As you get healthier they may choose not to follow and that is their right. Love them enough to set them free.

But understand that you have likely not experienced the volcano that will then erupt. And the reason to be prepared is so that it ends quickly by having what YOU need to be decisive, not becoming a long dragged out court fight.

Have the agreements typed up by a lawyer, have the finances arranged, decide what will happen with the the children.

When this is all in place, you can feel protected and free to work on the relationship if staying is your choice. Your back is covered.

[uniquename]

Stay or go, please prepare yourselves for them leaving because that is totally out of your control. As you get healthier they may choose not to follow and that is their right. Love them enough to set them free.

But understand that you have likely not experienced the volcano that will then erupt. And the reason to be prepared is so that it ends quickly by having what YOU need to be decisive, not becoming a long dragged out court fight.

Have the agreements typed up by a lawyer, have the finances arranged, decide what will happen with the the children.

When this is all in place, you can feel protected and free to work on the relationship if staying is your choice. Your back is covered.

I'm in the beginnings of the decision making. uBPDh left, attempted suicide (talked out of before any harm), hospitalized and then I asked him not to come home. It's been close to 3 weeks now. I've gotten the advice from others to separate finances. I'm still hoping for possibly staying.

If we take steps to undo our joint finances, do we do that in secret? That seems against building the trust we need. If we do it in the open, will that trigger being unable to get back together? I guess it's a fear of consequences either way.

[formflier]

Yes... .in secret. 

Worry more about you than the trust.

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

Agreed.  Make your preparations and considerations private.  I'm sorry this got tossed at you (H going off the deep end), but you have no time to waste.  Play nice, while you do things like get legal counsel, open a separate bank account, establish a safety plan (emergency escape), and so forth. 

Most of the things either never have to be known to your partner (i.e. therapy visits and lawyers), or are reversible (stashing money, filing for custody).  So, do what you can privately to keep the stress off.

I know trust, openness, and honesty are fundamental to a loving relationship.  Unfortunately, I have reached the point at which I decided that those things apply to equal and non-abusing relationships.  The first time I lied to my wife was after about 17 years of marriage and I lied to cover my visit(s) to a therapist - to work out the damage done in marriage.  Ironic, or sad, or both.

[SoMadSoSad]

Stay or go, please prepare yourselves for them leaving because that is totally out of your control. As you get healthier they may choose not to follow and that is their right. Love them enough to set them free.

But understand that you have likely not experienced the volcano that will then erupt. And the reason to be prepared is so that it ends quickly by having what YOU need to be decisive, not becoming a long dragged out court fight.

Have the agreements typed up by a lawyer, have the finances arranged, decide what will happen with the the children.

When this is all in place, you can feel protected and free to work on the relationship if staying is your choice. Your back is covered.

Lol she already left me for good. She's the cut off type so I'll never hear from her again.

[UnfadingLife]

How do you love someone again after you've lost all respect for them?  My H has done so much to me that I wonder if I ever loved him to begin with?  I figured the roller coaster ride of his emotion would one day slow down. Instead, I get locked in at top speed times 10.
I'm reading all of these posts of loving them through it, and it's all I ever did.  What happens when I needed to be loved through something? 
What happens is that I'm thrust into the realization of my life. Looking at it from the outside. Had a perfect life. I left it 3 days ago. I have my kids. I don't want to go back.  I'm scared of how relieved I feel.
I don't love him anymore.
I can't even like him anymore.
And I'm trapped at my mothers ):

[Cat Familiar]

How do you love someone again after you've lost all respect for them?... . I'm scared of how relieved I feel... .I don't love him anymore. I can't even like him anymore.

In reading your other thread, it appears that you've got a very good overview of your relationship dynamics. That's quite a feat, particularly when you're immersed in it. It shows that you're thinking clearly, despite strong emotions and your current situation having left your home.

From my experience with two husbands with BPD, it's really hard to love someone you don't respect. With husband #1, who was a lot like your husband except without the upward career trajectory and success, I don't think it was possible to regain the love and respect I had for him because he never accepted fault amongst other bad characteristics.

With husband #2, there's a kind and gentle person underneath some of the BPD weirdness, so I can look for the positives and regain my respect and love for him when I find it missing at times. I'm no picnic either because I no longer suffer fools and I'm quite judgey these days. But even when my patience with him is stretched thin, I have to admit there's a good person there, quite unlike my first husband.

[Verbena]

It's been a number of years since I felt anything remotely like love or physical attraction for my husband.  His behavior chipped away at my feelings for him, little by little, until there is nothing left.  I filed for divorce June 7.  Our 34th anniversary is August 21. 

[UnfadingLife]

I just left!  I walked away from my "perfect" "unappreciated" life to seek "adventure" on his dime.
Is it okay that I don't care what anyone thinks and don't feel the need to defend myself. I only want to protect my children from this destruction and I don't know how. There is no amount of love I can have for a man who put me in this position!

it all went really bad - really fast.

[UnfadingLife]

It's been a number of years since I felt anything remotely like love or physical attraction for my husband.  His behavior chipped away at my feelings for him, little by little, until there is nothing left.  I filed for divorce June 7.  Our 34th anniversary is August 21. 

Are you okay?  Any kids?  How did you do it for so long?

[Lucky Jim]

The first time I lied to my wife was after about 17 years of marriage and I lied to cover my visit(s) to a therapist - to work out the damage done in marriage.  Ironic, or sad, or both.

Hey Sam, That's the sad thing about BPD: it doesn't foster open communications, because you get slammed for stating the truth, so honesty is driven underground.  After my BPDxW flushed my Rx down the toilet, my doctor candidly recommending lying to my BPDxW about what medications I was taking.  My doctor said, "you have to lie when someone has BPD"!  It was an eye-opening statement, but my doctor had treated many patients w/BPD and was quite familiar with the disorder.

I didn't feel good about lying, but I also didn't feel good about getting my Rx flushed down the toilet, so it was sort of a Hobson's choice: damned if you do; damned if you don't.  A common scenario in my marriage to a pwBPD, I'm afraid.

LuckyJim

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Yes, the lies are necessary now.  As is hiding feelings, hiding money, carefully vetting words, never having a weakness or human moment. 

That disturbs me.  I recognize now though that I had been lying to myself for pretty much the whole marriage.  I'd say to my wife I loved her, and valued her, when in my heart I was in desperation and fear of her, and her manipulations - though I didn't recognize it.  I realized I was saying I love her, and faking it, to keep her from raging out, going silent, or doing something else unthinkable.  It's remarkable how pwBPD can obtain a result from someone like me, the unwitting victim.  I'm sure her behavior wasn't calculated or malevolent, but effective nonetheless.

It worked for her until I got to see the light, and became aware of BPD, and myself in general.  Now I am calculating, but hopefully not malevolent.

[Lucky Jim]

I realized I was saying I love her, and faking it, to keep her from raging out, going silent, or doing something else unthinkable.

I hear you, Sam.  I did the same thing, in order to avoid an emotional explosion.  The truth is I was living a lie in my marriage.  No more!  It feels good to be my authentic self again.   

LuckyJim

[Verbena]

It's been a number of years since I felt anything remotely like love or physical attraction for my husband.  His behavior chipped away at my feelings for him, little by little, until there is nothing left.  I filed for divorce June 7.  Our 34th anniversary is August 21. 

Are you okay?  Any kids?  How did you do it for so long?

I'm okay.    I'll be a lot better when he finally leaves.  Until my loan closes and he gets his money for his part of the house, he's still here.  Our kids are 31 an 26.  I distracted myself with other things, overlooked a lot, detached a lot. 

Like your situation, it's been emotional, not physical, abuse.  From reading your story, I'd say what you have suffered is a lot worse than what I've gone through.  I've just been in my marriage a lot longer.  You're smart to get out now, not wait for over three decades like I did. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

I realized I was saying I love her, and faking it, to keep her from raging out, going silent, or doing something else unthinkable.

I hear you, Sam.  I did the same thing, in order to avoid an emotional explosion.  The truth is I was living a lie in my marriage.  No more!  It feels good to be my authentic self again.   

LuckyJim

Here's to being authentic!  Although still married, I think my wife knows better to act out and then ask if I love her.  It used to work, but now I've traded lies about my loving her for lies hiding my exploration of divorce, and getting healthy myself.