When we believe we cannot be at rest or complete or happy or at ease... .unless or until another person ("other focused" acts a certain way or stops acting a certain way... .we WILL act on that belief in ways that ARE controlling.
The dependency in co-dependency is fueled by the felt sense and supporting belief (usually from childhood) that our internal well being depends or is dependent on another person's behaviors and what they are or are or are not doing and that we need them to behave a certain way to feel at ease within ourselves.
That IS a dependency, and it keeps me feeling powerless unless I can change that person's behavior somehow, usually through a lot of complaining and blaming. Stop doing what you are doing because it makes me feel xyz and I don't want to feel xyz, so stop it.
How is this different to:
I can look after my own emotional wellbeing. I am responsible for my own feelings. But I am not happy living in this environment. They can do whatever they want - I would prefer they acted better, but I know I can't control that. I'm angry/sad/conflicted because I am being forced to decide whether to accept this person as part of my life or not.
I was just listening to a talk by Dr. David Schnarch about marriage and the inevitable discomfort of two choice delimmas. Bruce Tift MFT refers to this kind of delimma also, describing it as the inevitable discomfort of choice that is inherent in intimacy 1) stay and continue to deal with the disturbing aspects of my relationship or 2) Leave the relationship but face the disturbing aspects of ending my relationship... .I don't get a a number #3 choice that is without disturbance. Their view is that we need these difficult two choice delimas b/c they are grist for the mill of developmental growth.
In other words, it is these difficult choices or relational crucibles that forge our adult capacity to live life on life's terms. They would suggest these difficult choices are inevitable, and there is no relationship or environment where you will be protected from this disturbance. This is not a popular view, but both these scholars and many others who are differentiation based teachers believe that intimacy is meant to push us into such crucibles so that we reach our adult capacity while finding meaning and personal wellbeing in such difficult endeavors. Victor Frankel was a prisoner in a concentration camp and watched his family be killed, but championed his growing awareness that no matter what others took from him or did to him they could not take away his core internal sense of self and his own capacity to make meaningful his own life even with it's horrors.
If a person is not feeling happy or a sense of well being in the environment you are in, or the relationship you are in... .it's very possible this person would not be able to sustain greater happiness somewhere other than where they are right now. All the sages and wise scholars who study these issues suggest this to be the case. The more we believe we would be happy(ier) if only we were somewhere else or doing something else or in a different place or different relationship or got something new or had a different experience other than the one we are having right now... .when tracked and studied... .show that folks have a tendency to spike into a elevated "happy state" for a brief period when they secure the desired change or object but then move quickly back into their own baseline of happiness/unhappiness once they get what it is they felt they needed to feel "happy".
Many folks take the viewpoint that only they are responsible for for their own internal sense of wellbeing, or lack thereof. Because the environment is ever changing and cannot be depended upon to provide any sustained felt experience
for us.This is why eastern philosophy (which has some significant correlates to western developmental psychology) is about learning through practice the skill of being appreciative of whatever is present in the moment because they believe the present is all we have. The idea or thought or belief that we can't be happy until something outside of us changes or until we are in a different environment etc/... .to a Buddhist, for example, this would seem like a form of delusional thinking, almost like a form of self inflicted psychosis. A buddhist believes the only reality is what is present right now, and that it is our perception of it... .or the lens we choose to view our present reality through... .that either leads to great suffering or to a sense of wellbeing.
We are forced to make very tuff decisions in this life. That is for sure! There is no getting around it. Whether it's to stand up to a bully, or to speak your mind and stand up for your values and your boundaries even though you know it will be unpopular or not well received or awkward or unpleasant... .or whether it's to take the risk of fighting injustice or inequality when you see it, or whether it's deciding whether or not to stay or leave a challenging relationship... .whether it's political or personal, big or small... .we are all forced at times to make difficult choices. Many scholars much wiser than myself suggest... .that it is these difficult internal struggles where we are forced to choose ... .that propel our full developmental capacity, and that as such these tuff choices are therefore a essential part of reaching our full adult capacity.
