Hurting (again).

[snowmonkey]

Hi All,

Firstly, my apologies, as I didn't know where to post this, it could have gone in any one of a few different categories.

My BPD GF now exGF broke up with me again 5 days ago and there has been no communication or attempt at communication by either party in that time. We'd been living together for over 3 years before that.

Basically, I feel very, very down and utterly lost. I am completely torn between running back to her and trying to convince her to take me back and knowing that I need to move on because the only life I'll ever have with her will revolve around supporting her and dealing with her illness.

I do love her and if she was well, would want to be with no other person but her. However, she is not well and has stopped me from being the person I would like to be and achieving the goals I would like to achieve. That said, without her in my life, many of my goals and ambitions seem less important and my desire for them has diminished.

I am also fearful of the days ahead, of being alone and of sinking into depression.

I just really don't know what to do and would be happy to hear any advice, thoughts, insights, words of encouragement or your own stories; just to know that I am not the only one who has had to deal with this devastating mental illness which seems to harm so many lives of the people it touches.

[seenr]

Hi Snowmonkey,

Most of us, by the fact we are on this board, know exactly how you feel. I do. You are 3 years in (I was 8, have seen some on here say 16+ years) and you are NC for 5 days (I’m 2 months into NC).

You feel down, check. Lost, check. Thinking of asking her to take you back – check. But I’ll just add my 2C there. After my last split, I realised that asking my ex to take me back was a significant weakness on my part. She had been physically aggressive and made some horrible false accusations. Why would I beg her to take me back? For you, did you do something that needs her forgiveness? Should she be the one asking you to take her back? As for moving on, I feel like that too, but I saw a great line of advice on this board yesterday which said something about dating too soon. Don’t mess yourself or someone else up because of being not ready. Personally I feel like it will be 3-4 months before I could consider dating again. Sorting my own mind out first is important. Could you do that?

Understand totally how you love her and how your goals are less important without her in your world. Understand the fear of being alone & depressed. But I know that maybe confronting pain and loneliness now are the only way to deal with the future and what might happen.

My advice (for now) is to do nothing, listen to what others say here and possibly in a week or so you might know more. I feel that as time has gone on, the pain has got worse, but I do think I’m reaching a crescendo and will go on an upward curve once this pain eases off. I think that will make me stronger going forward.

Happy to hear from you any time here.

[Leonis]

Just hang in there!

I'm 11 days into NC and this is the n-th attempt since things fell out mid-April. I guess we can't stay away from each other. It's been hard because she broke up an engagement. We would have been married for a month of things worked according to plan.

It really doesn't help seeing all the notifications on social media about friends' weddings and receiving invitations via those platforms.

Although, it's been good spoiling myself a little bit while coping with this experience. I've never had the chance to do that before.

[seenr]

You are very brave to be honest with this Leonis. Same happened to me, although the same day we got engaged, she wanted to throw me out of the house because she thought I was annoying her with a throwaway comment I made. Bags packed, go. I remember thinking 'is there another person in the room, is there a voice I am missing here' as the reaction seemed to be completely over the top & was only calmed by me keeping as calm as possible & apologising (but really, there was nothing to apologise for).

Day 54 of MC (only arrangements about son) and it is tough, very tough, but I think necessary.

I'm 11 days into NC and this is the n-th attempt since things fell out mid-April. I guess we can't stay away from each other. It's been hard because she broke up an engagement. We would have been married for a month of things worked according to plan.

[snowmonkey]

Thank you for your replies. I want to say that I feel for both of you too. It definitely seems to be the case that things get worse for quite a while before they get better. And that is something that scares me too.

In answer to your question seenr, whether I did anything that needs forgiveness for? Well, the situation was that she was upset about her daughter and this led to her becoming angry towards me. I didn't accept that, I told her not to take things out on me and told her that her behaviour was a result of her BPD. She didn't take kindly to that and turned around and said she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Of course, I could/should have handled things differently. I've gone through the lessons, I know about validating, I know about boundary setting etc... I guess I feel that you can't always be on your game and ready for a flare-up. It is so draining to always have to think about how to handle situations that were really none of your doing. Sometimes, you just need down time from having to analyse every word that you say and sometimes you need to just speak your mind.

Of course, feeling the way I feel now, I do wish that I had handled it differently.

[Leonis]

One thing I realised is that unless they sincerely seek proper treatment, they can't get better.

The lessons, in a way, are damage control methods to hopefully lead to these folks seeking some help or some miraculous recession of their BPD-ness. Furthermore, it's to give you the tools to handle situations should they arise.

But let's face it, if one thing didn't trigger your ex, or you've somehow bypassed it, there will be another. Don't beat yourself too much over it. You tried.

[seenr]

Everything summed up perfectly.

The last time we ventured into relationship, I was prepared. Learned not to ignite my fight or flight defence. Learned to let her talk, vent, get things out in the open. Learned to not say anything inflammatory. It still didn't work. When I said little and tried to remain calm, I was accused of being passive-aggressive. All that led to was me being thrown out.

I guess I feel that you can't always be on your game and ready for a flare-up. It is so draining to always have to think about how to handle situations that were really none of your doing. Sometimes, you just need down time from having to analyse every word that you say and sometimes you need to just speak your mind.

Of course, feeling the way I feel now, I do wish that I had handled it differently.