I let myself down again

[toomanyeggshells]

Yep, I did it again, I'm so disappointed with myself I can't described it.  Why can't I leave this man?  What the hell is wrong with me? I had an apartment all lined up, deposit paid and everything, and then I let myself be convinced to stay ... .again.  Nothing will change and I know that.  Nothing has changed in the 6-1/2 years we've lived together.  When he knows I'm serious about leaving, he turns on the "puppy dog eyes" and I fall for it every time, knowing that in a day or two it will be back to the same old rages and disgusting name calling. 

I know that when I make the decision to leave, I have to leave.  I can't stay in the house until the apartment is ready.  I have to find another place to stay for the time it takes.  If I stay in that house with him, the same thing happens every thing ... .I cancel my plans and keep living with him.  I can't even blame it anymore on the fact that I'm worried he won't be able to pay for the house and my credit will be ruined when it goes into foreclosure down the road.  I don't care.  If I'm all settled in an apartment before that happens, it won't make a difference.  I don't care about the house.  I used to, years back, that's the reason I told myself I couldn't leave, but I was just telling myself an excuse.  My mental health and well-being are more important than a stupid house. 

When do I keep putting his feelings ahead of my own? Why do I not follow through with my plans? 

The crazy thing is that moving into this apartment was going to be a birthday gift to myself.  I had it all planned out how I was going to tell my adult kids and my family.  They would all be so happy for me that I finally left uBPDbf (not their father).  But here's another birthday down the tubes.  Another regret for me and more of me trying to make the best of a crappy situation. 

Nothing will change because he's jealous and verbally abusive and no matter what I do, that won't change.  I could never speak to my family again, which he would love, but that won't stop his crazy behavior.  I'm a smart, independent, strong person and I know better.  I just can't believe I'm doing this again. 

Unfortunately, this board is the only place I can vent.  I've told my family so many times that I'm leaving him but I never did and they're sick of hearing it.  They're supportive and I know they love me, but I can't tell them I'm leaving and not do it again.  I kept these plans all to myself for a week, planning how I'd surprise them and looking for furniture, all for nothing. 

I'm so grateful I have this community to listen to me and understand.  I'd also be happy to hear any advice or thoughts. 

[KateCat]

toomanyeggshells,

I've been following your story for a long time, but now I really believe you are going to do it. You are going to break free.

You're almost there.

One day soon you are going to be posting an update to this community, and you're going to be doing it from your new apartment. (Or I'll eat my cat.)

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks KateCat    I believe you're right about that.  This is the furthest I ever went so far.  I always looked at apartments, in person and online, but I never applied and paid a deposit so I guess this was the next step for me to take.  I just really wish I would put his feelings aside and take the biggest step and leave for good.  When I do, I'll let you know so you can get your cat ready! LOL

[KateCat]

Kitten teriyaki.   

But I have full confidence in you.

[toomanyeggshells]

Thank again KateCate.  You put a smile on my face and I needed that for sure 

[ICantFixHer]

Hi Toomanyeggshells,

I am recently unshackled from a 10 year "relationship" with a BPD ex girlfriend. It feels so, so good, the freedom and the sanity.

After I had my ex arrested for domestic violence for the 2nd time in 2012, I got myself an apartment. Man, it was cute -- all original 1950s tile kitchen and bath, knotty pine cabinets, pure vintage.

I was too stupid at the time to realize I needed to make the break to ensure my survival and I caved in to her pathetic, needy whining, felt sorry for her, felt I needed to "man up" and accept my responsibility in the arrest and blah blah blah. So at great expense I forfeited my deposit and fees and moved back in with my little skunk.

Three years later I got another place 80 miles away and here I am a year later, completely disengaged with her in any way, shape or form, and owning my former skunk by refusing to respond to any of her ridiculous messages.

I am, in a word, done. No one befouls me.

Be strong and remember -- things will always, always unfold the way they always have and always will. Unless you leave, like I did. Trust me, it's worth it. All the best.

 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey TME, Don't beat yourself up!  Presumably you stay because there is some emotional payoff.  What do you think it is?  What's your gut reaction?  Usually it has some connection with one's FOO.  Is that true in your case?  It's hard to leave, I understand.  When the time comes, believe me you will know it.

LuckyJim

[toomanyeggshells]

Sorry for the delay in response Powell and Lucky Jim.  I appreciate your responses and support.

Presumably you stay because there is some emotional payoff.  What do you think it is?  What's your gut reaction?  Usually it has some connection with one's FOO.  Is that true in your case?  It's hard to leave, I understand.  When the time comes, believe me you will know it.LuckyJim

 
I really don't think so.  I think I didn't leave because, as always, I feel bad for uBPDbf.  I don't feel love or connection at all.  I really just feel bad for him.  He's been left before and he's such a sad sack - a mean, miserable, verbally abusive sad sack, but one that I'm having a hard time walking away from. 

I am confident though that it will happen.  Maybe not this week or next, but I know I'll get the strength and resolve and do what I need to do.   

[HopefulDad]

Almost there.  Hopefully the venting here helped clarify things and reaffirm your resolve.

If it was so easy to leave, some of these boards would close up shop

[LightnessOfBeing]

HopefulDad makes a great point: "If it was so easy to leave, some of these boards would close up shop."  Finally breaking free from an SO wBPD is extremely difficult for many, many of us - it can be excruciatingly hard to do, and you're far from the only one who has struggled. The difficulty is inherent to the situation; we would never, for instance, fret that something was wrong with us if we wanted to get to the summit of Mt. Everest, and couldn't do it in one leap.

So rather than be disappointed with yourself, perhaps see the progress you've made - as you say, previous attempts to extricate yourself didn't go as far as this one, so that's progress! I wouldn't go to the gym, starting from couch potato, and beat myself up because I couldn't run a three minute mile uphill on the treadmill on my first attempt. Perhaps your birthday gift to yourself didn't go to plan, but what you got instead perhaps isn't a total loss: You gave yourself one more step, a bigger step this time, towards your goal.