Insight Appreciated Silent treatment

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  All,

I am on the path to healing and reading many things my warm, caring, empathy type tends to attract BPD or NP. I have been working hard on healing, my part and setting boundaries, and quite frankly not wanting to walk on eggshells or always be the bigger one any-more.

I have no problem seeing we might all have bad days and need more, being there, caring, but want a 50/50 or at least not be in an unequally yoked any-more.

Having said that I have a friend for many years,  that we have both been there for each other through dysfunctional family ( their) my situation with my BPD his health issues etc. Learning and laughing together in life.

Having said that so appreciate we could be there for each other, be ourselves, help, no judgements, kindness, laughter &just real honest to goodness caring etc.

We were going to start a business together and & a solid relationship, same page ethics & morals and well just all around friendship.

Problem is we have had a few misunderstandings over years. When those would happen, to my own detriment even if not my fault or I was not the one to break a trust etc. I would apologize, reach out, text, call or write a letter of kindness. I see so many lose friendships, and relationships over petty things ( hello the BPD I deal with, rages etc, my Mother has derailed more relationships then the rail station) . So I want to be the bigger one, meet half way, try, apologize. To me I can put ego aside and try again ( not meaning the other person can't just I want to always be better then the day before try etc)

Each time was to rejection of silent treatment. For days, weeks, all while talking to others in a social media setting, ignoring.  I had a huge social media account for work ( tried to reach out to be blocked) so went on in life, with friends, family and to make my own happiness. I was so hurt and devastated but knew it was up to me to heal, pick my own flowers etc. It was hard as was dealing with craziness of my soon to be ex UBPD, taking all his rages, leaving me in a lurch with homes, and caretaking him ( his supposed Physical issues and dramas). friend did try to follow later but I had blocked.

I held it together for my kids and well me, but was hurting. We did end up becoming friends again, but through me reaching out much later. All fine and good the laughter, friendship and love was worth being the bigger one. Told the person can't do the silent treatment again, it hurts and devastates me. Lets just agree to pick up and talk it out, be adults, if you need time, fine hours, days, weeks tell me at least. So we agree.

Never got to start many of our plans due to the friends family issues worsening ( friends parents are  NP parents, caretaking etc. which I understand). So I did as much as I could on my own.

Now years later, misunderstanding, a broken trust and hurtful things again. I was hurt, especially because always there for their family issues, now things are intense for me as my UBPD is going into rages, unstable we are having to deal with issues. So say my boundaries, how hurt I was but understand. If they needed different then I could give for business or friendship fine, let me know. If no longer wanted to do or talk let me know. To silent treatment again. I wrote this is abuse why the silent treatment, if you need time let me know. I wrote apologies for my part in, ( which really I did nothing but say my hurt, and how it looked to me from outside) if situation was different please tell me.

I did get a letter back, of half excuses and whatever, not addressing some serious concerns I had. So thanked for letter, joked, made things light and apologized again but still asked my questions. Especially as I found things were they picked on me for small issues of being upset( in public, which I would never do to someone) when I was working, taking care of my kids, there for their needs whenever needed, starting my business without much help, tutoring, etc. The things picked on were not OK being that I was dealing with so much, and he never says a word to the craziness of the ones he deals with and does everything for them.

Friend was not looking at all I was dealing with and how self sufficient I was. . I was always put on back burner for neighbor, sister who won't do a thing, parents who won't do a thing etc ( which is fine family I understand but then why pick on me for a small thing when I am doing all, especially behind my back). With our business and life the person started to never have much time. Which was fine I am busy as well, but it got to be crazy how much the person had to do for family just crazy things. Later I found out many hidden online accounts to chat with others, including about me, when friend sent it to me by mistake, when we were exchanging files.

This is someone I trusted with so many things. Said wanted to be there for me and do a business etc in future, be there for my family, and I theirs.

Now back to silent treatment being that I was kind, hurt, but apologized, said sorry if I was not what they were looking for or wouldn't have been doing those things. Would have taken the time to do the business, and not broken promises.

I feel bad for my part of being hurt, or any words of hurt I might have said. Though I tended to keep everything upbeat, professional and kind. Did stress my hurt though. Thoughts?

Have been so hurt and devastated, crying. But will heal.

[Lilyroze]

  All,

I am on the path to healing and reading many things my warm, caring, empathy type tends to attract BPD or NP. I have been working hard on healing, my part and setting boundaries, and quite frankly not wanting to walk on eggshells or always be the bigger one any-more.

I have no problem seeing we might all have bad days and need more, being there, caring, but want a 50/50 or at least not be in an unequally yoked any-more.

Having said that I have a friend for many years,  that we have both been there for each other through dysfunctional family ( their) my situation with my BPD his health issues etc. Learning and laughing together in life.

Having said that so appreciate we could be there for each other, be ourselves, help, no judgements, kindness, laughter &just real honest to goodness caring etc.

We were going to start a business together and & a solid relationship, same page ethics & morals and well just all around friendship.

Problem is we have had a few misunderstandings over years. When those would happen, to my own detriment even if not my fault or I was not the one to break a trust etc. I would apologize, reach out, text, call or write a letter of kindness. I see so many lose friendships, and relationships over petty things ( hello the BPD I deal with, rages etc, my Mother has derailed more relationships then the rail station) . So I want to be the bigger one, meet half way, try, apologize. To me I can put ego aside and try again ( not meaning the other person can't just I want to always be better then the day before try etc)

Each time was to rejection of silent treatment. For days, weeks, all while talking to others in a social media setting, ignoring.  I had a huge social media account for work ( tried to reach out to be blocked) so went on in life, with friends, family and to make my own happiness. I was so hurt and devastated but knew it was up to me to heal, pick my own flowers etc. It was hard as was dealing with craziness of my soon to be ex UBPD, taking all his rages, leaving me in a lurch with homes, and caretaking him ( his supposed Physical issues and dramas). friend did try to follow later but I had blocked.

I held it together for my kids and well me, but was hurting. We did end up becoming friends again, but through me reaching out much later. All fine and good the laughter, friendship and love was worth being the bigger one. Told the person can't do the silent treatment again, it hurts and devastates me. Lets just agree to pick up and talk it out, be adults, if you need time, fine hours, days, weeks tell me at least. So we agree.

Never got to start many of our plans due to the friends family issues worsening ( friends parents are  NP parents, caretaking etc. which I understand). So I did as much as I could on my own.

Now years later, misunderstanding, a broken trust and hurtful things again. I was hurt, especially because always there for their family issues, now things are intense for me as my UBPD is going into rages, unstable we are having to deal with issues. So say my boundaries, how hurt I was but understand. If they needed different then I could give for business or friendship fine, let me know. If no longer wanted to do or talk let me know. To silent treatment again. I wrote this is abuse why the silent treatment, if you need time let me know. I wrote apologies for my part in, ( which really I did nothing but say my hurt, and how it looked to me from outside) if situation was different please tell me.

I did get a letter back, of half excuses and whatever, not addressing some serious concerns I had. So thanked for letter, joked, made things light and apologized again but still asked my questions. Especially as I found things were they picked on me for small issues of being upset( in public, which I would never do to someone) when I was working, taking care of my kids, there for their needs whenever needed, starting my business without much help, tutoring, etc. The things picked on were not OK being that I was dealing with so much, and he never says a word to the craziness of the ones he deals with and does everything for them.

Friend was not looking at all I was dealing with and how self sufficient I was. . I was always put on back burner for neighbor, sister who won't do a thing, parents who won't do a thing etc ( which is fine family I understand but then why pick on me for a small thing when I am doing all, especially behind my back). With our business and life the person started to never have much time. Which was fine I am busy as well, but it got to be crazy how much the person had to do for family just crazy things. Later I found out many hidden online accounts to chat with others, including about me, when friend sent it to me by mistake, when we were exchanging files.

This is someone I trusted with so many things. Said wanted to be there for me and do a business etc in future, be there for my family, and I theirs.

Now back to silent treatment being that I was kind, hurt, but apologized, said sorry if I was not what they were looking for or wouldn't have been doing those things. Would have taken the time to do the business, and not broken promises.

I feel bad for my part of being hurt, or any words of hurt I might have said. Though I tended to keep everything upbeat, professional and kind. Did stress my hurt though. Thoughts?

Have been so hurt and devastated, crying. But will heal.

[Meili]

Do I understand this correctly, you set a boundary (no more ST), your friend ignored the boundary, you forgave, your friend ignored the boundary again?

[Lilyroze]

Do I understand this correctly, you set a boundary (no more ST), your friend ignored the boundary, you forgave, your friend ignored the boundary again?

Thank you Meili, for clarifying for you and I.

Yes, but in fairness  to the friend when I wrote my feelings I told we should be able to resolve these things like adults and friends. When friend finally wrote back, I addressed some of my other concerns. Mainly because I didn't want to go back to just smiling, laughing and ignoring a core issue, value or boundary for me. I wanted to trust being that we had so many years, the potential of a business etc.

I think my standing firm on wanting to actually understand, my willing to walk away if not what they wanted for a partner etc led them to go on one of my lines in previous letter that I would shut the one account down eventually if I didn't hear back. It was one we used for just our business, and our friendship.

I felt it would be too painful to just sit and wait for an answer that might not  come, like before. I was glad we were both just reaching out, then... .my friend just took offense to all my letters. Not seeing my thanking for the years, our friendship, all they had done, but focused on what felt was insults. No all the letters were professional, kind and polite, but did address the hurts which could not be denied as the proof was there.

Instead of addressing, now went silent and has been 15 days. That is how their family handles things, and never addresses. But last time had to be me and that was after 6 months. Now we are going on 2 months of no talking, just letters and nothing now 15 days.

I feel like I did all I could to send cute card, apologized for any misunderstandings and said I just felt I had the right to know a few answers( that could not be denied as proof they wouldn't face). Again I was willing to acknowledge we are both human, make mistakes. Even asked if there was things that I did to upset please feel free to tell me, I would rather fix as that was about growth, character and doing the right. I know they are probably embarrassed or now see nothing wrong want to pin it all on me and walk. I do wonder if NP or BPD, as never apologizes it is always me, and does the silent treatment. I do think they will not reach out, would have to be me again. Since I already apologized ... .just so hurt and don't know what to do.

Do you let 8 year friendship go like that?

ETA: What am I talking about... .sigh will have to let go if they don't reach out. I have tried to no avail again, just feel bad misunderstandings can lead to this. I have tried to reach out once silent, and now I guess you are right my boundary? What do you suggest? Besides trying to heal and understand.

[Meili]

I think that a lot of us make the mistake of assuming that others think the way that we do. You and I would like to be told/show our transgressions so that we can work to be better people/partners. Not everyone is like that though, especially disordered people from what I gather.

When we point out what they perceive as a flaw, it triggers their fears and they respond inappropriately. Their responses are immature, like that of a very young child, because of their maladaptive coping mechanism.

If your friend's family utilizes ST as a coping mechanism, it's a safe bet that's what your friend uses too because that's how your friend has been taught to cope.

[Lilyroze]

I think that a lot of us make the mistake of assuming that others think the way that we do. You and I would like to be told/show our transgressions so that we can work to be better people/partners. Not everyone is like that though, especially disordered people from what I gather.

When we point out what they perceive as a flaw, it triggers their fears and they respond inappropriately. Their responses are immature, like that of a very young child, because of their maladaptive coping mechanism.

If your friend's family utilizes ST as a coping mechanism, it's a safe bet that's what your friend uses too because that's how your friend has been taught to cope.

Well it was said they go over the top for everything, never apologize as they are never wrong and abusive Narcissists. My friends family uses people to their needs. My friend said if  feels they is not wrong, they will just walk away from people. ( and he like his family is never wrong, it is always other person) Many ex's or friends that were walked away from were all to blame. I thought we had a special friendship, just could never walk away from someone without at least a goodbye, or if you need anything.

There is things for business, I would have to get information on, they sent me some but not all.

But like said tried to call, text, write and apologize my last was 5 days ago theirs 15. So you are right probably a coping mechanism or worse Nar and I am in the wrong like the others and just walking away. How do I know the difference?

If won't answer my letters or if I need something for business do I just let it all go now?

I hate with this friendship and my ex to be the power plays and I am always willing to keep trying to be bigger one to nothing back. Tears me up and makes me cry right now to be honest. I know I have to take my power back and just live life the best I can. Which I am trying.

I can't understand silent treatment or ghosting, be man or woman enough in friendship or relationship to be kind and walk away. I understand NC and why us nons have to do it, not the cruelty to nons when we are trying.

[Lilyroze]

error... .posted twice.

[Meili]

Well it was said they go over the top for everything, never apologize as they are never wrong and abusive Narcissists.

Yes, acknowledging that they are responsible is difficult for them, to say the least. We can either accept that trait in our lives, or not. The choice is ours.

I thought we had a special friendship, just could never walk away from someone without at least a goodbye, or if you need anything.

That's because you're not disordered.

There is things for business, I would have to get information on, they sent me some but not all.

I know that's a hard one. Can you get them for another source?

But like said tried to call, text, write and apologize my last was 5 days ago theirs 15. So you are right probably a coping mechanism or worse Nar and I am in the wrong like the others and just walking away. How do I know the difference?

I wonder if you're friend is feeling pressured and thus retriggered? Obviously I have no idea and it's a waste of time and energy to actually try to guess what's going on because we'll never truly know.

If won't answer my letters or if I need something for business do I just let it all go now?

What other options can you think of that are available to you? (that was a legitimate question for you to think about, not sarcasm)

I hate with this friendship and my ex to be the power plays and I am always willing to keep trying to be bigger one to nothing back. Tears me up and makes me cry right now to be honest. I know I have to take my power back and just live life the best I can. Which I am trying.

Yeah, it's hard to take the power back once you've given it. The good news is that the power is yours to control so you can take it back. Have you thought about how you can do that?

I can't understand silent treatment or ghosting, be man or woman enough in friendship or relationship to be kind and walk away. I understand NC and why us nons have to do it, not the cruelty to nons when we are trying.

My guess would be that you're having difficulty understanding because you are still viewing it all from a normal, rational mindset. That type of mindset isn't in play with PD person except during lucid moments. Does that make sense?

[Lilyroze]

Well it was said they go over the top for everything, never apologize as they are never wrong and abusive Narcissists.

Yes, acknowledging that they are responsible is difficult for them, to say the least. We can either accept that trait in our lives, or not. The choice is ours.

Yes, you are right and understand that. I have usually tried to work around it, but with silent treatment it is tough. I guess much harder on me now that I have had to deal with my ex to be, in full mode to take care of everything right.

It just has been heart retching to deal with the silent treatment when you gave and still give your all to nothing. Not sure if our friendship is completely over. If not it needs to be a healthier version of, and well not sure if the person is NP or BPD like you said if they can do that.

I don't like though how they BPD's etc know what people not to pull this with, and how they toe the line with some, and run over the rest of us completely. I know I have had to work on my boundaries better. If they wouldn't want done to them or wouldn't to some others, why have I let it done to me? Yes, have been working on that.

My guess would be that you're having difficulty understanding because you are still viewing it all from a normal, rational mindset. That type of mindset isn't in play with PD person except during lucid moments. Does that make sense?

Yes thank you for bringing be back to the reminder.

If won't answer my letters or if I need something for business do I just let it all go now?

What other options can you think of that are available to you? (that was a legitimate question for you to think about, not sarcasm)

Well on a good note have been trying to learn all the knowledge base I need, we both had different strengths. Only problem is need to learn all mine, all the parts my friend was going to do ( which is so technical). I am more of a writer, artistic but will try to learn it all.

Only problem with some is all logins, passwords, entry to many servers was in their hands, we just started many more of the online aspects when this started so no way to get into most right now, or even make sure secure. I own the servers and am paying. I could nuke but to start all over would be crazy, so trying to figure it all out. When this first happened asked for call to not talk personal but get info to nothing. I did get a technical email but file has error so that won't even open and that was month ago. Sorry don't mean to complain, but really have exhausted so many options to figure out. Don't mind hiring help once all done, or freelancers to help just need to get funds to do all that, and info. Or just keep working at it till I can do it all. I will be morning till late night but that is OK.

Just need a technical fariy... .can you buy those at Walmart on shelf, put batteries in and it will fix all this for me.?... .sigh Once I can get into many of the sites I should be OK.

Trying to keep a sense of balance and humor but truly crying right now. I don't think when they do this cold silent treatment they understand how it kills friendship, love, trust and is so hurtful. Again NC need hours, or days, weeks or month then tell me appointed time, or tell me goodbye here is info. Not this.

Thanks so much Meili, for insight, help and making me look at a few things.  Do appreciate the insight.

[Meili]

Yes, you are right and understand that. I have usually tried to work around it, but with silent treatment it is tough. I guess much harder on me now that I have had to deal with my ex to be, in full mode to take care of everything right.

It just has been heart retching to deal with the silent treatment when you gave and still give your all to nothing. Not sure if our friendship is completely over. If not it needs to be a healthier version of, and well not sure if the person is NP or BPD like you said if they can do that.

Yeah, dealing with external stuff and PD stuff at the same time can be exhausting. Don't forget to take care of yourself in all of this.

You can always decide if the friendship is really over. If it isn't working for you, you have the power to end it. You're going to have to be honest with yourself about how much of yourself you are willing to give knowing that you have no reasonable expectation of change happening.

I don't like though how they BPD's etc know what people not to pull this with, and how they toe the line with some, and run over the rest of us completely. I know I have had to work on my boundaries better. If they wouldn't want done to them or wouldn't to some others, why have I let it done to me? Yes, have been working on that.

Well, to be fair, not everyone can trigger a PD person. If they don't care what the other person thinks, the other person has zero power over their triggers.



I can see how all of that business stuff would be hard to deal with in this situation. The good news is that it all can be dealt with. There are resources out there to do/handle most of what you mentioned when you get the time and money to deal with it.

Thanks so much Meili, for insight, help and making me look at a few things.  Do appreciate the insight.

You're most welcome. I hope that you find some relief and comfort soon.

[Lilyroze]

Thank you again Meili

Only problem is have no way to log into many of the things I need, but will pray see what I can do and go forward.

This was sent to me by a Priest I am good friends with:

The silent treatment is cruel and indicative of a vindictive spirit. The person withholding communication is attempting to gain the upper hand and is harboring resentment which only harms themselves in the long run and makes it hard for them to have a healthy and mature relationship.

This from a friend in medical field I work with:

Getting the silent treatment is like sitting in a room waiting to hear whether or not you have cancer, and you wait and wait and wait. This is a form of emotional abuse that destroys you inside. Run from anyone who does this to you, and accept that he or she does not love you.

I am just going to think with compassion that something triggered and take responsibility in my ownership of any part, and realize at this point we would have to have a healthy relationship going forward and that means respect to not treat me in such fashion. If it gets to that but I have to have the dignity and respect within myself as it is abuse, but only if you let it be.

I feel like I did all I could do to express myself in my hurt, try and show my pain, but apologize, write and call to nothing now. So will let go and live in the present.

I do hope I can get information I need eventually or will many things will be lost, and lots of my money. Which does not seem fair I would never do this to another. Again do hope they reach out seems too many years and life is too precious to do that to a long term friendship. I am trying to keep from crying and just find joy instead.

I do really love this person and their friendship, I do treasure them, and hope they do the same. I guess it is all I can do.

[Meili]

You're welcome.

I agree that it isn't fair. Nothing about any of this fair. We are treated horribly, and then left to pick up the pieces. To keep from allowing the toxic ooze that is anger to consume me, I keep remember that these people who hurt us are in a state of emotional arrested development and their childish behavior is a result of that. It is nothing that we can fix though.

I hope that you find a way to recover the passwords.

I do really love this person and their friendship, I do treasure them, and hope they do the same. I guess it is all I can do.

Maybe you could give more thought into why you love and value someone so much who treats you like this?