It was the best sex I ever had

[HurtinNW]

I'm still sorting through what I want from future relationships, sexually speaking. But I'm really starting to come around to the idea that I'm not looking for that same erotic freedom at all. It was wonderful and I'm so happy I experienced it to its fullest. But what I'm starting to think about more and more - and maybe this is a combination of my age (late 30s) and the heartache after this last relationship - is that I don't care so much for erotic freedom and intense sexual pleasure as for real intimacy and vulnerability. That would take a real change in my thinking about sex and what I crave in sexual relationships ... .but what has this pain and experience been for, if not for trying a different way forward in relationships? With my ex, the sexual connection was so strong, the erotic aspect of our relationship so constantly present, that it went a long way to defining us as a couple. And that was wonderful in its way. But it can be hard to develop in other ways when the sexual connection is so intense.

That's a really good point. Sex became such a focal point of my relationship, both good and bad (by the end it was really bad). I don't want a relationship where sex is the conduit of all connection. I think for me, at least, sex came to replace the intimacy I wanted in other areas of the relationship, and I wasn't getting it. Instead I felt betrayed. I would rather have a less sexually charged relationship with trust, love and commitment.

I know my ex really enjoyed sex with me, and I know it had meaning for him too. He wasn't faking it. It was real for both of us, and so very sad that was the only place we could connect after a time. I will always remembers the glimpses into him I saw at times making love, the way that tender hidden part of him was, briefly, revealed.

In the future I want a relationship where I can trust my partner, completely and fully. I want to be able to talk about sex openly, without fear, as well as talk about any other aspect of our lives. I want to build a foundation that includes all aspects of love, not just sex. I also want to work on that part of myself, because I played a role with allowing/having sex become so important in the relationship it overshadowed serious concerns.

[Conundrum]

This discussion begs the question: When a non knows or becomes aware that his pwBPD was sexually abused as a child; does he or she possess a higher duty towards their disordered partner--compared to relationships without that complex aspect?

From my perspective, caretaking and ethical leadership are intertwined. That doesn't necessarily have to diminish the hotness or fun, but it is an integral component of a functionally  mature relationship (IMO).

[labowski]

Yes it was good and yes, sooner or later anything i wanted or required sexually became the norm.

In my opinion, I have had better (and much worse) sex throughout my life. Sex was the 5th or 6th thing on the list I loved about her under: kindness (idealization), homemaking, consideration, etc... .

but, the sex felt natural. Like I was home. Safe. Loved. It was beautiful because of that. It was the best because I thought I was going to spend my life with her.

but again, the sex, and the feel (gr*p) and her as a partner were a little pretentious and not great. I laugh that pwBPD use sex as a weapon of control because she wasn't half as sensual or seductive as she thought. I thought I was in love not in lust.

It was neither.

[atomic popsicles]

This thread is hitting me hard.

I met my stbx after a 20 year relationship (13 years married). My first husband thought I was bad in bed. In some ways I was a horrible wife- I fell asleep having sex, had to use euphamisms... .yuck. Just yuck. We were definitely bad together in bed.

Then I met stbx. Oh My God. Up until the day it all ended, three weeks ago, the sex was amazing for 6 years. He made me feel beautiful, sensual, and I became good in bed too... .bcz of our connection. His BPD was really masked until he started having mental illness, and it was like the BPD mask came off. In the last several months, sex became so much more important to me than him because it was the way we were still consistently connecting. I truly enjoyed pleasing him, though we both had boundaries.

The thought of never having that again is unbearable. I do remember in the very beginning he said that in the past he had used sex to manipulate, but I honestly thought and still do, that he had been so reflective and worked so much on him about his BPD that he was being sincere that he was not doing that with me.

Frankly, if he showed up right now, I probably wouldn't be able to resist him. I'd probably initiate it.

I can't imagine being that intimate and free with someone else. I hate condoms, so having to use them... .yuck... .I hate starting over. I am 45 years old. How will I ever find someone else? Especially since sex is important to me... .and after having 20 years of bad or so-so sex... .finding someone whose touch makes my skin tingle seems impossible. My kids go out of town on the 4th of July every year. While they were gone, we had "Fest of Eros", where we literally stayed in bed for whole days. Needless to say, I'm not doing so well.

I can't believe he destroyed this, delusions or not. Like lifewriter said, unbearable sadness.

If I ever am lucky enough to have a relationship again, I hope I can experience that love and intimacy and freedom. It's pretty hard to believe that will ever happen.

[Nuitari]

I'm seeing a lot of familiar stuff here, so much so that its kinda painful to read. My ex flat out told me at the beginning of the relationship that she would do any sexual thing I wanted. During the first week or so before things got physical, sex was all she could talk about. In the middle of an otherwise normal conversation, I would get hit with random sex questions like "have you ever had anal sex?" "Have you ever been in a threesome?" "What do you think about when you masterbate?" This stuff was on her mind 24 hours a day. It was almost like she was an addict. The sex was always amazing but, like others have said, it wasn't just about physical pleasure for me. It was a very personal connection. At least that's how I saw it at the time. But now that I know her better, I suspect that feeling was one-sided. For her there is nothing personal about sex. For her its like medicine, and if she doesn't get it often enough she starts climbing the walls. It wasn't long before I began to feel like I was just a tool for her. I sometimes think sex is the only benefit she sees in a relationship. If there's no sex in a relationship (for example, if its a long distance relationship), she can't see the value or point of it. For her I guess its like opening up a bank account and not putting any money in it. Why would someone do that? If she can't get it from her committed partner, she'll get it from somewhere else. She's very attractive, so she would have no trouble.

After our relationship ended, she was still very clingy to me, even though she was back with her husband, and it was reaching a point where I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. And on a few occasions she tried to initiate sex with me (and I'm ashamed to say that I finally gave in to her. I could only resist for so long.)  She said it was because she wasn't getting it from her husband who was temporarily out of commission for medical reasons. But now, when I look back, I can see a correlation between these sexual episodes and my attempts to distance myself from her. So now I am wondering if the sex was really about her own gratification, or a way of keeping me close to her.

I don't know if it was her intention to hook me with the sex, but if so, it worked. I know its a shallow thing for me to say, but I wouldn't hesitate to sleep with her again, despite the anger and hate that feel for her pretty much all the time now. The sex memories are the only memories that aren't ruined for me, and I would gladly relive them again if I had the chance. I no longer desire a relationship with her because I know its not possible. I'll never fall for her "I love you" crap again. But if I'm going to be completely honest with myself, if she asked me if I would like to have sex with no strings attached, I would jump at the chance. The sex is the one hook she still has in me.  

[Leonis]

I don't know if it was her intention to hook me with the sex, but if so, it worked. I know its a shallow thing for me to say, but I wouldn't hesitate to sleep with her again, despite the anger and hate that feel for her pretty much all the time now.

Pretty much this. And I think neither me nor her would say no if we were in the same room alone.

[gotbushels]

I don't know if it was her intention to hook me with the sex, but if so, it worked. I know its a shallow thing for me to say, but I wouldn't hesitate to sleep with her again, despite the anger and hate that feel for her pretty much all the time now.

Pretty much this. And I think neither me nor her would say no if we were in the same room alone.

I felt this way too sometimes. I also felt pangs of guilt. Lots of guilt. I thought, "But I'm so mentally separated, how can this still be?" So when it came to this--I still questioned, "Would I really say 'No'?" I can't claim a perfect solution but I will definitely share that it gets better. I found that it's okay. Your answer may change from "Yes" to "No" over time. And that's okay too.

Having been significantly single after the separation--I'll add that it's possible to let this go without another partner. That's an advantage we have over the grasping relationship jumping that many of us know can characterise BPD behaviour. We aren't imprisoned by the fear and abandonment panic to jump into another relationship. We can do better than that.

I think it's quite clear we all experience a similar sense of longing or wanting. Take care. I hope everyone finds peace.

[Reforming]

Hi all,

It's an interesting subject that goes right to the heart of these relationships. I came across an interesting thread on a BPD website a while ago - BPDs discussing object constancy and sex. It's worth a read for those interested in hearing how some of those suffering from the disorder experience sex and connection.

www.psychforums.net/borderline-personality/topic141035-10.html

It strikes me that because of their desire to connect and bond with us they will work very hard to match our particular sensitivities and desires which vary along the lines that the posters here have described.

I don't think this is deliberately malicious or manipulative - it's a desperate attempt to create and sustain an attachment and avoid abandonment. They also do this in other ways - intense mirroring, idealisation etc.

But having a partner who is focussed on fulfilling your every sexual fantasy is pretty heady stuff so it's not surprising that it can be very hard to step back and accept that this profound and exhilarating connection we felt and I'm not just talking about the sex here - wasn't actually deep, sustainable or grounded in reality.

If you view BPD and other PDs as a kind of emotional arrested development we're talking about partners who despite their adult appearances are actually quite child like in critical ways. Emotional regulation, reality testing, boundaries... .

To move froward I think we need to reframe our relationships in a healthy way and recognise the reality of the attachment - intense but volatile, unrealistic and fragile - so that we can make wiser and more informed choices in the future.

I think this means learning from what happened and recalibrating ourselves so that we're able to enjoy a mutually healthy and loving relationship  with someone who is mature and stable enough to genuinely meet our needs. That doesn't exclude finding a partner who sexually compatible but it might mean turning away from unhealthy intensity and fantasy that is often a hallmark of these relationships.

Reforming