Saw my counselor

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I saw my counselor yesterday. She confirmed that, given her experience, after reading the texts and emails that stbx is deep in paranoid schizophrenia. She also said that yes, it sounds like all the work he did in the past on him about his BPD was leading him to recovery and stability but something clicked and perhaps latent mental illness overrode his "filters". I, with all my stupid blinders, saw none of it until it hit me in the face. Basically, I saw what I wanted to see.

She told me that the man I love and who loves me is, for all intents and purposes, gone and never to return (he is 100% resistant to treatment, and his crazy mother has decided he is not insane so she enables him and backs him up in refusing hospitalization). She said what you guys would say, strict NC. She actually saw him as dangerous. I do not.

Anyway, I'm struggling. Oh, I'm struggling. I don't know how to get through this. I miss him so much. Given his psychosis, he isn't trying a recycle... .and I even if he was I couldn't let him back because it is very bad for my children. But, he wasn't bad for many years. He was my childrens acting dad. He was my much beloved husband. He is sick. She said I could not let his words or meanness in my head as it is due to the delusions and not real. I truly wonder how I will ever get through this whole.

I do want a marriage. I want a partner, husband, lover, friend. It feels like that future, the one he convinced me to take because of how it was between us, is gone. I could live 40 more years! I'm not ready for this yet. My bff keeps saying, you have to be ok with being alone so if you never have that again you are ok. WTH. I want that again. I want it now! I want him to go get treatment and rebuild things with me and over time, move back home. It isn't ever going to happen.  But, oh, I want it to.

I have had such great advice here.  I must be the biggest idiot ever, though, because I can't seem to do it.  I can't seem to make goals for me or imagine this as a great new future or even work on liking me. I am stuck in the past and the future seems so bleak. I'm just so stuck and I'm scared and so so so so sad.

[atomic popsicles]

I saw my counselor yesterday. She confirmed that, given her experience, after reading the texts and emails that stbx is deep in paranoid schizophrenia. She also said that yes, it sounds like all the work he did in the past on him about his BPD was leading him to recovery and stability but something clicked and perhaps latent mental illness overrode his "filters". I, with all my stupid blinders, saw none of it until it hit me in the face. Basically, I saw what I wanted to see.

She told me that the man I love and who loves me is, for all intents and purposes, gone and never to return (he is 100% resistant to treatment, and his crazy mother has decided he is not insane so she enables him and backs him up in refusing hospitalization). She said what you guys would say, strict NC. She actually saw him as dangerous. I do not.

Anyway, I'm struggling. Oh, I'm struggling. I don't know how to get through this. I miss him so much. Given his psychosis, he isn't trying a recycle... .and I even if he was I couldn't let him back because it is very bad for my children. But, he wasn't bad for many years. He was my childrens acting dad. He was my much beloved husband. He is sick. She said I could not let his words or meanness in my head as it is due to the delusions and not real. I truly wonder how I will ever get through this whole.

I do want a marriage. I want a partner, husband, lover, friend. It feels like that future, the one he convinced me to take because of how it was between us, is gone. I could live 40 more years! I'm not ready for this yet. My bff keeps saying, you have to be ok with being alone so if you never have that again you are ok. WTH. I want that again. I want it now! I want him to go get treatment and rebuild things with me and over time, move back home. It isn't ever going to happen.  But, oh, I want it to.

I have had such great advice here.  I must be the biggest idiot ever, though, because I can't seem to do it.  I can't seem to make goals for me or imagine this as a great new future or even work on liking me. I am stuck in the past and the future seems so bleak. I'm just so stuck and I'm scared and so so so so sad.

[HurtinNW]

Atomic   

I am so sorry. I can feel your pain. We've been there. It is so very, very hard. All this unbearable sadness, his illness, your hopes, your dreams, what you shared. I am so sorry.

That's so brave and good you saw your therapist. You are not an idiot. You are a strong, wonderful, loving person who fell in love with someone with a mental illness. It's like having your parents taken from you, or your child struck by a car. It's a loss, no matter how you cut it. Frankly I think these losses are harder than deaths. You can shake your fist against death, but know it is part of life. These losses are like living deaths. We are grieving the loss of someone who is still there, still walking around, only it feels like they have taken a piece of our heart with them.

It is common advice, but works: try taking it moment by moment, hour by hour. Make one day your goal, then the next. Day by day. Do tons of self-care. Are you treating yourself to whatever soothes you? I swear I was taking five or more hot baths a day during the first few days, just soaking in there and reading (and crying). Can you go for long walks, work out, eat ice cream, do whatever even temorarily soothes you?

One of the good parts of having kids is knowing when we have to act in their interests. It's hard. You don't know it now but the future is not bleak. Have you read From Abandonment to Healing yet? it is so very helpful in these times. That's often what I was reading in all those hot baths!

Sending warm hugs and support! 

[atomic popsicles]

Thank you.

I just downloaded it. I agree... .death seems like it would be easier. At least then I'd get the life insurance! Bad joke, but I'm trying!

One hour and I can go to bed...

[Ahoy]

I have had such great advice here.  I must be the biggest idiot ever, though, because I can't seem to do it.  I can't seem to make goals for me or imagine this as a great new future or even work on liking me. I am stuck in the past and the future seems so bleak. I'm just so stuck and I'm scared and so so so so sad.

Do not stress about this fact in the slightest my friend, not for one second! I can tell you from personal experience every word of this paragraph expresses exactly how I felt shortly after my separation.


In my first session with a therapist I was really upset telling her I didn't know who 'Ahoy' was anymore! I didn't know me, my interests, my hopes and dreams, why I bothered getting up in the morning. As you say, I was completely stuck in the past trying to grab that feeling of a happy marriage with both hands.

Yes it is a REALLY sad and terrible time but guess what, one day I literally woke up, got out bed and realised I was still the same person! I had a moment of clarity where I 'found' myself again, or more to the point I found my hopes and dreams were still the same now as they were before, just some minor details of my dreams had changed (table for two is now a table for one ). I was so excited I called my core-support group to tell them I was still me.

Personally, 'losing' my identity in this separation was the most terrifying thing, I think it directly relates to how much of ourselves we are pouring into the relationship during the final stages, simply to keep it afloat. My whole way of thinking had changed from how to make us happy as a couple, to how can I make her happy, she came before everything.

I did exactly what HurtinNW did, I sat in the damn bath and read (and read, and read, and read... .) till the water went cold, then I ran another bath. Nothing is going to speed up this period sadness (you are mourning the loss of your relationship) but gaining knowledge sure helps soften the blow.

I'm saying this with 100% confidence, do not fear the loss of your passion or ability to set goals. You WILL get your mojo back, just take things one day at a time until you do.