Chewed up and spat out (again)

[Sadly]

That's me, recycled, for god knows how many times now. When when when will I learn? When when when will I let go? What the f*ck do I do with the desperate dark sad loneliness that is me? Sorry, am even boring myself now.

[kc sunshine]

Hi Sadly, We are with you here-- so glad you logged on.  How did it end this time? They say that each ending after the recycle gets worse and worse. That was true for me I guess, though none of the discards were particularly good. To me the term recycle also has the connotation of being on a merry go round, holding on tight as it went round and round, and then being thrown off, bruised and dazed in the dirt.

[Sadly]

Hi KC, thanks for being here. I don't know what happens. It has been ok, not good but ok. It's weird totally knowing that it's not forever, it's just until something else happens and yet I keep getting back on the ride. I cooked, he criticised, I got upset, he left. For two weeks I have shut up or walked away from rudeness and insults and this time I didn't. Why do I let this keep happening. Why when I reminded him he told me once I was a waste of air to breathe and should never have been born does he deny saying it? It's hardly something you make up. I know it's him, I know it's his illness, I know I have to work on myself, why I let someone grind me into the dirt but why oh why do I keep letting it happen. I am hurting so so much. Why do I keep trying to give love and care to someone who does this to me. Why can't I be strong and stop crying. Why am I so rubbish at life.

[heartandwhole]

Why am I so rubbish at life.

Sadly     If you were rubbish at life you wouldn't be asking this question and trying to understand. We all do the best we can in the moment. Maybe you continue because you care, because you want to be compassionate and make things work. Be gentle with yourself, ingrained patterns of behavior take time and patience to transform. Please remember that your need for respect, love, and understanding is as important as anyone else's. Even someone with a disorder.

I know it's hard, but things can change and you can grow through this. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole 

[Sadly]

Thank you. Am so tired of the pain. I hurt for him, I hurt for me. I have to walk away but I don't know how. I think I had better go back to the doctor, I can't seem to cope with it all. Thank you for being here too. xx

[FannyB]

Hi Sadly

You're no different to a lot of people on these boards - just brutally honest! You've shared your FOO issues and that's a lot for any person to deal with without lumping a BPD partner on top.  I think you're holding up admirably in the face of it all and still retaining the ability for self-reflection. I think I've said before that you need distance from your SO to break this toxic cycle that he keeps drawing you back into. You know you're vulnerable, and you must do whatever it takes to look after yourself.


Take care 


Fanny

[Herodias]

"To me the term recycle also has the connotation of being on a merry go round, holding on tight as it went round and round, and then being thrown off, bruised and dazed in the dirt.". Wow is that good! Yes, you have to get strong for yourself- you have to decide it's better to be alone than being treated poorly, criticized and trampled on emotionally if not physically. Just do it... .Be there for you. Find friends and family for support. Mine all ran away from him and didn't want to be around him. I had to reconnect and start fresh. You can do it too. You just have to choose to take care of yourself.

[HoneyB33]

Hi Sadly, I'm sorry you're in this position again.

I think in a huge way you gotta realize that it's his disorder, and not you that is "failing" here. That matters because if you don't see where "fault" lies, then you will continue to subtly agree with these put downs, and feeling like you are failing and deserving of this stuff. I think it's really important for you to recognize that a normal person doesn't treat someone this way. A normal person doesn't become the "victim" when they hurt someone!

You gotta realize this is him and THEN you can/need to realize what YOU can do--leave, stand with yourself, believe in yourself, and decide you want something different.

If you keep circling the drain of self-doubt, that will only keep you close to this abuse, and not getting away from it. I think the reason it's hard to get away from these relationships, is because it causes us to doubt ourselves. These ppl are hurt with us, but they're hurt because of what THEY have done. That's insanity my friend. Believe in yourself again.

[JerryRG]

Hey Sadly

Beating yourself up is strictly forbidden!

We all do it and it is allowed, truth is we nons have good hearts and we just give too much to and especially to people who don't deserve it.

I feel foolish knowing I ignored the thousands of red flags and everyone's advice to stay away from my exgf.

There's one thing I've learned and it's a boundary thing, we do NOT have to accept unacceptable behaviour be it the pwBPD or ourselves.

Being hard on ourselves, blame, guilt, shame, regret are the things they did to us, I believe it's time to stop the cycle and learn to love ourselves and accept that we deserve to be happy, joyous and free.

Let pwBPD live in their own dirty diapers because that's what they like, drama, chaos and misery and they stink

[Yolo]

Sadly,

The thing about recycling is a mixed blessing.  First off, being aware, you weren't "recycled"... you were an active participant, as we all are if our relationships cycle like this.  And some dynamics are an equally tortuous cut and done.

Mine went through several recycles as well.  "They say it gets worse every round".

I have a theory about that.  It is worse for the non in many ways because "we should have known".  The shame of being drawn into a dance we know is poison is huge.  Friends and family are exacerbated and numb because they told you X # of years/recycles ago its no good.  We, the nons, find ourselves in this escalated investment situation and desperately want to prove to witnesses of the crash as well as ourselves wrong. And depending on how the reconciliation happened, we may choose to try to believe 100%  apologies and promises of change. We want to be the exception and the story of making it threw the storm and now it's happily ever after.  It CAN happen and we think it will happen with us and our beloved.

When it doesn't, it is our ego that takes a bruising. 

The plus side of recycles... .there is no doubt, there is no question.  The one we've chosen will not change or does not fit into our lives in a way that brings light and joy. And we've had chances to see that play out multiple times.  So we had our second and third and 10th chances and no amount of contortion on our part helped.  Even if they were placated by the circus show, it was a very unpleasant life for us walking on eggshells.  It is difficult, but in some way, there is no mystery anymore.  In some ways it's easier to move on because you know nothing will work. That is a gift.  You gave it all now it's time to invest in something that has a return (yourself, friends, family, career, new relationships).  You are important so how is YOUR life enhanced by inviting this person in?

Recycles are harder because we feel more foolish and idiotic with each failed attempt.  They are ultimately good because there is no longing and wondering 'what if... .if only we had one more chance'.  That answer is known.

Take time for yourself, reflect, but envision a life without your SO.  Take steps in that direction and you'll never regret it

[DreamerGirl]

Sadly, I could have typed the exact same post.

I have been back for way too many recycles, and as most people have said, they get worse each time.  Lately mine has been shorter and much more brutal.

We feel worse each time, firstly because we beat ourselves up, feeling so disappointed in ourselves for believing that this time around, it will work if we show them how much we love them.   Like you, I don't give up easily and I always think I can fix everything.

Secondly, for me, because deep down inside, I know I have allowed him to see that he can keep treating me badly, and I keep taking him back, so what happens is they see us as more worthless, because we put up with being treated that way, so the emotional abuse escalates each time.   That lowers our self esteem terribly.   They can treat us however they like and we will always come back. 

We need to end the cycle of letting them abuse us.  Which is so hard, because we keep wanting them to love and value us, like they used too.  But I'm telling myself, he does not deserve me, he does not make me feel happy and loved.  I hope the positive affirmations I keep saying to myself sink in, because we do deserve to be treated with respect.

We need to see ourselves as too good for this treatment, from anyone, and as painful as this is, to let them go, even though we still love them.  It's  hard, I'm right there with you.  My heart and head have been in a serious battle for weeks now.  I feel like the past 7 months have been the worst nightmare in my relationship.  It was never great, but when it went downhill, it did so quickly.  We have had so many breakups, my head is still spinning.

I can't ask family or friends for support anymore, because i have taken him back so many times after declaring that it was over for good, then falling for his words again.  They don't believe in me anymore, and I don't have a lot of faith in myself either.  It's a very hard process breaking free from them. 

I hope and pray that soon I can come back and say that I have successfully left him and am on my way to healing and finding peace again.  I pray the same for you.

[Stripey77]

Dreamer Girl and Sadly, I could also have written the same post myself too.  My ex is incredibly self aware, he knows there is something wrong with him, but he doesn't know what and can't articulate it. It's just too sad for words. I sometimes think he pushes me away to protect me to some degree... .after the first breakup he told me that I should 'forget him and hate him'. Our last conversation, after a horrific event I've posted elsewhere on this board, ended with him walking out saying that he doesn't deserve me because he's an evil person. He now once again walks past me or the other way if he sees me. Just a few weeks ago we reconnected after months apart (LONG story) and although not back together, and him adamant that 'we don't work' (which is rubbish by the way, we worked almost too well) we spent three wonderful nights together and had a massive heart to heart.  In no way do I think he set out to 'recycle' me, but sad to say, it's looking pretty much like that's what's happened because due to external factors, he has been triggered once again and is now avoiding me.

I think as others have said, we need to stop beating ourselves up. We're not the disordered ones, we're just people in love who are desperately trying to find a way to stop the awful heartbreak and pain. We are the constant factors in all of this, who never went anywhere but are just here. Our feelings and actions are natural and understandable, because we're not disordered.

The sad truth is, that to truly get off this merry go round, we have to be strong enough for both ourselves AND our exes. They are not going to do it for us. If my ex can come back to me and have a heart to heart and kiss me, and more, and still have feelings for me after 6 months of being ignored and being told that I am 'deleted' from his life (and of course I am blocked on all social media so he can't be reminded of me) ... .then of course, I can't take this latest ST very seriously. Especially as it was someone else in my circle and not me who upset him this time.

His flouncing off or being unable to process his emotions and then coming back to me later has happened so much now that my friends and family don't talk about 'if' he talks to me again, but 'when'.  Even I am much much calmer this time. Sad and resigned that he has once again cut me off, but pretty sure, as are you, that he will be back to talk to me again.

I've said this so many times before, but oh for a magic wand where we could just turn them back into the men/women we fell in love with and not have this happen to us. And thank heavens for this site where we can be reassured by others who have gone through this experience as well. We are not alone and we are not going mad. Just people in love with people who are unable to accept that love. 

[Sadly]

Can't speak much right now, but to all of you, what I love about you is that you KNOW and I mean KNOW! and feel. This helps so much with the desperate sadness. Will speak when I can. Thank you all for being my friends in this.     xx

[CloseToFreedom]

Wow, so many powerful replies in this topic that really touched my heart and ring true for me as well. Ive been recycled (or was part of the recycling i suppose) more than 10 times and even now, 1,5 years later, she still has her grip on me, as a few weeks ago she was completely into me all of a sudden, lovebombing while my replacement sat in their home, only for her to cut off the contact a week later. It still hurt, but not as much i guess because this time i kept my emotional and physical distance as I was pretty sure this would happen, and she proved me right.

The healing can begin again, and i find a calming peace in knowing how this will pan out. I will heal again and she will be back again for more destruction, and one of these times i will be strong enough to just say no and leave it at that. And that is when we have won and are truly free from this sickness. Knowing that day will come gives me a smile on my face right now, on a day where i was hurting very badly. Try to do the same. We will destroy the grip they have on us and be stronger than we ever were.

[Sadly]

To all who answered love and thanks. FannyB
your a gem, as always.
Am so trying to step off the merry go round  instead of falling off it but don't seem to be doing so well at it. I don't have close family and my 2 best friends don't understand about BPD even though I have tried explaining. They just think, get rid of him and have done with it. Wish it were that simple.
HoneyB
Thank you too. I know it's him, Honestly, I know and see and feel his illness, the problem is something in me just can't/won't let go. I'm beginning to think I am as ill as he is but I don't know what to do. I want to believe in myself but I don't know who I am anymore. Therapy here takes weeks to arrange and there is precious little chance of getting someone with BPD experience.
 Hey Jerry
I follow your story, your doing so well, thank you.
Yolo
What you say makes so much sense. There is no mystery anymore, it's not going to change or get better, there are no miracles. It's the loneliness and pain I am struggling with. Even when I returned to him I knew it was pointless and it would hurt me badly again.
Your honesty is a great thing, For me read you. I actually know I am too good to put up with all the sh*t he levels at me, but why can't I step  away?
Today is a very very bad day. I have no confidence left, no self love, no nothing. If he called me now and said sorry (which he occasionally does) I know I would run straight back. Am trying to be busy, doesn't work, trying to eat, tastes like cardboard and sticks in my throat. Am really doing well at crying and feeling sick though, Olympic medal standard. I feel as fragile as spun glass, one touch and I will shatter. Overlaid by disgust that I am being so pathetic. God help me am so sick of myself, you all must be sick of me too. So sorry. Xx

[william3693]

Sadly

you have gotten through this before and you will get through it this time.

Years ago I dated a women who counseled women who were in abusive relationships.
She found the work very discouraging as most would return to abusive relationships.

She noted however that women who started dating men that had all the "right"
qualities but that were missing that "chemistry or spark" and dated them for a least
a year even if they did not stay with them had less of a tendency to return to abusive relationships.

With myself I have found that if I have very strong initial attraction to a woman it is usually not a good sign and
not a good sign is putting it mildly.

I tried her  recommendation and ended up in a very healthy 14 year relationship.
Her parents were wonderful a joy to visit ,nobody in the extended family had serious mental health
or addiction issues.problems yes but not brought on by themselves.
It was so different than my family or my xwife's.

[Rayban]

Sadly,

The thing about recycling is a mixed blessing.  First off, being aware, you weren't "recycled"... you were an active participant, as we all are if our relationships cycle like this.  And some dynamics are an equally tortuous cut and done.

Mine went through several recycles as well.  "They say it gets worse every round".

I have a theory about that.  It is worse for the non in many ways because "we should have known".  The shame of being drawn into a dance we know is poison is huge.  Friends and family are exacerbated and numb because they told you X # of years/recycles ago its no good.  We, the nons, find ourselves in this escalated investment situation and desperately want to prove to witnesses of the crash as well as ourselves wrong. And depending on how the reconciliation happened, we may choose to try to believe 100%  apologies and promises of change. We want to be the exception and the story of making it threw the storm and now it's happily ever after.  It CAN happen and we think it will happen with us and our beloved.

When it doesn't, it is our ego that takes a bruising. 

The plus side of recycles... .there is no doubt, there is no question.  The one we've chosen will not change or does not fit into our lives in a way that brings light and joy. And we've had chances to see that play out multiple times.  So we had our second and third and 10th chances and no amount of contortion on our part helped.  Even if they were placated by the circus show, it was a very unpleasant life for us walking on eggshells.  It is difficult, but in some way, there is no mystery anymore.  In some ways it's easier to move on because you know nothing will work. That is a gift.  You gave it all now it's time to invest in something that has a return (yourself, friends, family, career, new relationships).  You are important so how is YOUR life enhanced by inviting this person in?

Recycles are harder because we feel more foolish and idiotic with each failed attempt.  They are ultimately good because there is no longing and wondering 'what if... .if only we had one more chance'.  That answer is known.

Take time for yourself, reflect, but envision a life without your SO.  Take steps in that direction and you'll never regret it

Spot on


I agree on how shameful recycles could be. I'm lucky to have a close nit family, and an excellent relationship with my only sibling, my older brother. I've told him many times, that it was over between my exBPDgf and myself, and there is always consternation when I tell him, I'm seeing her again. He doesn't judge me, but it's to the point where he tells me, you're an adult you manage you're own relationship, but as a brother I have to tell you this woman is toxic for you. I'm shameful of the fact that I didn't listen to him.

I have read that shame is a major factor in BPD, and I believe that she has projected this on me. To make things worse, she has met my family, and knows exactly what buttons to push. For her, it's just a game. Destroying lives and moving on. She cant accept reality, it's a sentence equal to death for her. In our last conversation, I point blank asked her how she could be unlucky in all of her relationships? Why is it that all her exes are abusive to her? I made her question if she might be the common denominator.

She texted me at 8:30 am saying she loved me, and by 11:00 am that same day, she was flirting with some guy right in front of me. That's her way of killing me off slowly, project her pain on to me., and I let it happen. I've had enough.

[Sadly]

Thank you both. My problem seems to be is that It's me who also can't accept reality. He can't because of BPD. I see genuine confusion in his face when I tell him he has done or said something hurtful or bad. He disassociates so easily. I have no excuse. The reality is he has extreme BPD. He will continue to hurt, belittle and minimise me until there is nothing left of me. That is the reality. So why am I fighting it, why can't I accept it for what it is and remove myself from it. The 100% reality is he will not/cannot see it and I can 110%. So who is sicker, him or me?

[Meili]

I remember feeling that way Sadly, I really do. I had been so manipulated and brainwashed that I had no idea what was real and what was the delusion that had been provided for me to believe. I always had hope that what I wanted to be real would be real. I'll even admit that I still have that hope. The difference now is that I look at the totality of it all rather than what might have been real.

I mention all of that to let you know that you're not the sick one.

It's very common for the non to get so caught up in all of the lies, deceit, and manipulations that they start to question what is really true. We allow our hopes to cloud our judgment. We think with our emotions rather than listening to what our own bodies are telling us.

We act impulsively because that's what we've been taught to do.

The good news is that all of this is within our power to fix. The bad news is that change only happens when the pain of where you're at overcomes the fear of where you're going. Only you will know when that happens. Until then, keep your chin up! We're here for you!

[StayStrongNow]

Oh Sadly I am so sorry you are in so much pain, so much hurt. You just cannot understand things like how can he deny he said harsh things to you, how can he be so mean.

As you have read here, all these people are trying to help you through this hard time. You appear to be a caring, loving person so why does it seem so hard for him to reciprocate in love?

You are not alone here, I had and have the same hurts, same questions of asking why? I couldn't figure this out despite going to a T who said she may have some BPD.

Timeout, I need to direct you to the site of the codes here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.msg427962#msg427962

I recycled many times with UstbxBPDW, the first 2 times I was physically beaten in front of my three children. The last beating occurred when we were driving on the expressway at 65 mph and she threw the GPS at my head, punched me and then emptied the contents of everything in the glove box and threw that at me too, one item hitting one of my three children who later cried that that was the worst 4th of July ever. I drove her home and then she gets out and starts kicking the door and front grill. Now you wonder why I didn't call the police, she was already arrested and charged with domestic battery 5 months earlier. I was tired of my children exposed to drama and I just wanted to leave her. Big mistake and I heard an earful from my lawyer, we were and still out in divorce proceedings, and my family I should have called the police.

The next morning she knew she did something but she did not remember. I am telling you Sadly, it's not that he denied saying bad things to you, his defense mechanisms to stress it to black out and let some other personality take over or something, I don't get who is taking over, maybe a demon. My soon to be ex remembers nothing about the 3 arrests and 7 charges against her amount other things. She even refuses to read the police reports where the combativeness with the officers is documented.

As crazy as it seems I recycled a few more times and knew it would never be the same to what were happier times. I really was hurt and confused and really couldn't get answers.

Then she found a new boyfriend and after a 2 1/2 years in the devaluation stage that I endured finally the discard took place. The hurt intensified but I took action and did a studious search on disorders to see if I could find answers.

Well I did , I read and read and I just found this site a few days ago but now I do have many answers. There is so much more I could type about what happened but now I am closing the book on her and starting to look at myself, thanks to the great people at this site I have changed direction. First I have detached, still sad sometimes but this gained knowledge is invigorating me. Now I want to take care of me, I never want to be a rescuer from a person who has an issue with abandonment and there is more but I know three things, the 3 Cs.  I did not cause this, I cannot cure it and I cannot cease it and I need to move on.

So Sadly maybe this is the season to hurt for you,it's ok but the season will change and you will by happy again.

Take care of you, and you first!

[Sadly]

Oh SSN, what awful things to happen to you and your children, I am so sorry. Did she really not remember. Thank you for your reply, these are what we hang on to whilst whirling around in this madness I guess.   X

[StayStrongNow]

She did not remember, all she's says to me about her first attack on me was "you threw me in jail".

I recorded a phone conversation we had when as the kids coined the term, "that way" where she was extremely rude and during these times her voiced changed into a little girls voice, she is 36. I played it back to her and not only did she not remember she asked "is that me."

[Sadly]

It's awful isn't it. I know my guy really truly feels sorry for me, because he genuinely believes I am what he politely termed nuts and less politely off my effing rocker! He thinks I made up the stuff he has said and done. I find it hard to get my head around it though. I really love him but I don't like him at all. X

[StayStrongNow]

Yes Sadly, I am amazed at how they cannot remember things. My ex said to me once that her mind races and four thoughts come into her mind at any given time.  She used to have trouble sleeping. The many Rx she has taken are all designed to retard the neurotransmitters and pump her brain with serotonin. Maybe their minds are so fragmented with different thoughts they can't focus on the here and now moment and look cognitive but are not. We'll never know what they are feeling or thinking, look up compulsive lying sometime, it's a byproduct of BPD.

[ICantFixHer]

This thread has helped immensely, thank you Sadly. Hang in there, you deserve to be happy and no one can take that away from you unless you let them.

You know, the way I let my ex pwBPD girlfriend take my dignity and self-respect away, along with my happiness. I detached -- moved out of our home -- last summer so my ex could get some therapy (her 4th time over our 10 years together). Two weeks ago we decided to seriously talk about getting back together; here's the chess match she initiated but some background first (because isn't it all about the details?).

In the 1st year of our relationship, my ex cheated on me. I never caught her, but I know. Over our 10 years together she'd often loudly proclaim, "I've never cheated on you ONCE and I will take a polygraph test any time." I never wanted a partner who I felt needed a polygraph to prove her innocence, but this time, two weeks ago, I agreed.

I said, "I'll arrange for you to take a polygraph test and depending on the results we will take the next step accordingly." She was very cool with it, seemed bubbly over the prospect; as she was visiting me at my new home in the local mountains, the next morning she left for her home (OUR old home).

That night she calls me and says, for the very first time in TEN YEARS of living together as a committed couple, "You know, I've always wondered about that 3-day fishing trip you took with your buddy; I think you cheated on me that weekend so you need to take a polygraph too."

Check.

I told her I had never given her reason to believe I'd cheated, and wasn't it quite a coincidence this comes up NOW? She blew up, I reacted, and we spent the rest of the week fighting. I live 80 miles away, all by myself, and here I am, arguing, via text, Facebook, email and phone. It's like I still lived with her or something; think of the power I'd given her freely.

Truth be told, I willingly cheated on her at least a dozen times during a particularly gruesome and violent "period" in our relationship, over a span of 2, 3 years. When my ex would turn into the monster she'd often scream in my face, like a drill sergeant or a wrestling coach, "I'M GONNA GO F**K SOMEONE!" After a few years of hearing this on a routine basis I decided every time she said that, I'd cheat with two other people. Double the pleasure. So twisted, this weird logic we're lured into believing.

One day I decided to stop responding that way no matter what she said in a drunken fury; it was all part of the gradual breaking down of my will, my spirit. Back to the chess match:

After a week of text-fighting I had to go to her town for business; we spent the weekend together and had the deepest, most real discussions we've ever had. She seemed receptive to her flaws and her inability to change. I, in a weird moment, suddenly realized she and I both suffer from PTSD and share childhood trauma and obviously the best way to heal would be together, as a team. I was grasping for something to hold on to. I told her I would take a polygraph test, too.

We parted warmly with the promise she'd visit me 4th of July weekend. It would be the start of a new beginning. Sounds familiar, huh?

That week, alone here in the cabin, I figured I'd tell her the truth about my cheating, and the rationale I crafted to support it. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and I assured her it would be a wonderful weekend promising a way to move forward.

Somehow she picked up on me, I think; I have a feeling she knew I was going to come clean, that in her rational mind she knew I had reason to cheat on her in retaliation to her threats to do so, and that I had nothing at all left to lose and everything to gain.

Friday night she emails me a crazed rant about packing for the trip and how it all felt fake and because I'd merely mentioned her bringing one of our cats for a weekend visit she thought I was going to dump her and hurt her. Maybe run up the phone bill on the plan we shared until recently, or break things.

Check-mate.

Now she HAS to take a polygraph test.

There will be no testing. How CRAZY is this? I'm done with her. Forget about all the trust issues and the damage to my core being, I am completely DONE with these ridiculous exchanges. They are draining and I have finally lucidly never-doubt-it-again reached the point where I realize it's all my fault. All mine, baby (said in mock Jimi Hendrix voice). I should have dumped her like a skunk on the side of the road after the 3rd month.

My biggest question right now is why, from the age of 43 - 53, I allowed myself to endure the atrocities of our completely co-dependent but definitely her BPD battlefield of a relationship.

Probably because I was stupid then. It's possible to step from stupidity to enlightenment and I intend to find it here in my new mountain home. I'm full-on NC. It's good to let go.

[Sadly]

Hi Powell
Thanks for your reply and sharing your story. I am going to try very hard this time as I read and understand all that I have to do to help myself, I just seem to have trouble putting it into practice. Hope your healing continues and luck for your future. X

[Meili]

Yeah, putting it all into practice is the hard part. Most of us have been conditioned to put everyone and everything before our own needs. We have been taught to believe that we are less than complete without our pwBPD, or someone else in general, so we feel a sense of emptiness and fear.

The good news is that we can retrain ourselves to think differently. We can learn that we are whole and complete people in our own right.

Stay strong Sadly, and hopefully you can change that name soon.

[Sadly]

Thanks Meili, would like to change it to Gladly one day. xx