So what is my role in all this?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don’t want to pity myself. Don’t want to feel like a victim, but I do feel like one. This man came into my life under false pretences. Manipulated me into believing he’d fallen in love when it was just selfish need. He needed me, to meet his selfish ends, physically and mentally. To use as a punching bag. He violated me as a human being. Crushed my spirit and crushed my soul.

I have faults, but I am a loving, caring woman who only wanted what many of us do, a secure, loving, respectful partner, someone to take care of and support and to do the same for us. So where did I go wrong? What was my role in all of this? If it takes two, what part did I play because how could I possibly have known. It wasn't a level playing field.

Right now I'm pretty angry and terribly hurt. He’s still ok. He has his job, his career, is still financially secure, is now off with other women.

So what did I do or not do? How could I see that he was manipulating me?  How could I know that he was using me to meet his needs? I suppose I could of walked away sooner, but he fooled me, confused me. How was I to know which part of him to believe? Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. So where does my responsibility actually lie. I’m trying to own some of this, but right this moment all I see is a sadistic monster who bulldozed my life, happily carries on with his with the new 'victim' and I'm left here trying to work out how to get back up.

[Larmoyant]

I don’t want to pity myself. Don’t want to feel like a victim, but I do feel like one. This man came into my life under false pretences. Manipulated me into believing he’d fallen in love when it was just selfish need. He needed me, to meet his selfish ends, physically and mentally. To use as a punching bag. He violated me as a human being. Crushed my spirit and crushed my soul.

I have faults, but I am a loving, caring woman who only wanted what many of us do, a secure, loving, respectful partner, someone to take care of and support and to do the same for us. So where did I go wrong? What was my role in all of this? If it takes two, what part did I play because how could I possibly have known. It wasn't a level playing field.

Right now I'm pretty angry and terribly hurt. He’s still ok. He has his job, his career, is still financially secure, is now off with other women.

So what did I do or not do? How could I see that he was manipulating me?  How could I know that he was using me to meet his needs? I suppose I could of walked away sooner, but he fooled me, confused me. How was I to know which part of him to believe? Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. So where does my responsibility actually lie. I’m trying to own some of this, but right this moment all I see is a sadistic monster who bulldozed my life, happily carries on with his with the new 'victim' and I'm left here trying to work out how to get back up.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

I can understand your feelings about being a victim, and I know it's hard to sift through the rubble at the end, trying to figure out what is what. It sounds like you want to know your role in this as a way to take back some power and move forward. Is that right?

It's like if I step out onto a street and don't see a huge bus barreling down on me  and I get hit, then I feel like I'm a victim of a bad (or distracted) driver. If, however, I step out on the street and I clearly see that bus coming fast, but take my chances anyway, I need to take responsibility for my actions (along with the bus driver).

So, when you believed that your partner was sincere and wanted what you wanted and his behavior was reasonable and you had no idea that there might be BPD at play, what could you have known or done differently? Nothing. Maybe you started to see the first outline of that bus coming when his behavior started to go wonky (disrespectful, raging, inconsistent?), but you chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. That's human and understandable. Asking yourself why that kind of behavior was acceptable to you might be a good start for a personal inventory.

I think the point about understanding our role in these relationships is not to lay blame or fault anywhere. I don't think that's helpful. It's to help us understand the only person we have control over: ourselves. By learning about our unskillful reactions (walking in front of that bus after having been hit before and seeing it coming again) we have the power to learn, grow, and change. That's the key, right? We can't keep stepping in front of the bus and hoping for something different to happen. No, we change our behavior and erect boundaries to communicate what we value (ourselves!) to others.

So, Larmoyant, knowing what you know now, what can you do now to help yourself onto a different street (preferably one that has well-marked crosswalks and stop lights  )?

heartandwhole

[seenr]

Hi Larmoyant,

I am reminded of old 'devil' movies where the Devil cannot come into your house unless invited. Maybe that is all you did - invite this person into your life.

We all want love. You do, I do, my ex did.we have different definitions of what that means. Sometimes it can be as though both partners have a love script but are reading it in two different languages. One in English, one in French. As we try to interpret the other person's script we lose something in translation and we part, frustrated, hurt. Sometimes a nasty person will tear up our script, leaving us without any idea of who we are for a while. That means we then need to re-write our script.

But I guess we all hope to meet that person where the script is identical.

[woundedPhoenix]

I have faults, but I am a loving, caring woman who only wanted what many of us do, a secure, loving, respectful partner, someone to take care of and support and to do the same for us. So where did I go wrong? What was my role in all of this? If it takes two, what part did I play because how could I possibly have known. It wasn't a level playing field.

I can feel your pain, hurt and confusion when i read through this.

We were in this relationship with the best of intentions and well... .even though we may have given it everything we had, it was neither as real or precious for them then we thought it was.

The thing is... .in the beginning they come on to you so convincingly and full of good morals that you don't even think about second guessing them.

It's the trojan horse that no-one expects to be hidden in a relationship that feels so good and true at the start... .

So we fell victim to that, repeatedly, against our better knowledge even. We were conditioned to accept more and more bad behaviour, and probably accepted more responsablility for their actions then what was healthy.

And then it feels like a cruel unfair punishment that they seemingly can move on and be happy in just a split second, while we don't even dare to estimate how long it would take us to move past this.


The only advantage we have, is that despite the deep pain and despite the damage to ourselves, we can learn and grow from this.

Our BPDexes may look happy on the outside but we all know that they will carry on the same relational patterns for the rest of their lives.

Even though it may not look like that right now, when we work through this we will be the stronger ones in the end.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Larmoyant,

I can understand your feelings about being a victim, and I know it's hard to sift through the rubble at the end, trying to figure out what is what. It sounds like you want to know your role in this as a way to take back some power and move forward. Is that right?


heartandwhole

I think this is it. If I can work out what it was that made me tolerate such cruelty and abuse then I might feel a little better. I mean, looking back, I tolerated far too much. E.g. who, in their right mind, would go back to a man who ‘suddenly switched moods’ then publically humiliated her in a restaurant refusing to pay for her meal, knowing she had no money on her and not letting her get her credit card from his car. It was horrible. I just stood there and cried, in a crowded restaurant.  Later that night he threatened to dump me on a highway because he thought I'd been looking at a man in the restaurant! He used to verbally attack me almost every time we went out. If not before, then during or after. I am not exaggerating. He played games with me when my beloved little dog died, he cheated and lied, he shouted and screamed and I kept going back! It took me a long time to wake up, too long. What does this say about me! Was I too trusting, naïve, desperate, or just an idiot. I feel so scared now. How can I ever know who means me well or means me harm? I’m sorry, having a mini meltdown and I’ve gone off track. I’ll come back when I’ve stopped crying. 

[Ab123]

Be kind to yourself larmoyant.

The clear answer to "why" you didn't walk away sooner may never come to you. But, each day is new and you aren't the person you were then anymore. So, the fact that you recognize that he treated you unacceptably will help empower you in the future.

Before my relationship with my exbfwuBPD that I talk about here, I was married to a man that just wasn't very nice for the last few years of our marriage. I saw a therapist for a while, trying to figure out how to cope. She pushed me to leave him before I was ready, and I stopped seeing her as a result. She kept saying to me "we teach people how to treat us," and tried to get me to see that I had taught my husband he could be selfish and mean, without consequence. She was right, though it didn't help me until much later. Learning to walk away from someone who crosses boundaries is hard, especially if we can find excuses for their bad behavior. 

I walked away from my exbfwuBPD after just 9 months and only one recycle. But, that was hard and I never would have been able to do it if it weren't for this site and posts from people like you, who seemed to be talking about the same relationship, just further along. And I was better at asserting boundaries after ending a marriage that had been bad for years.

But, the weirdness of the whole BPD situation still has me lurking here, healing and reminding myself why I have to stay away from him. The bad and the good seem so separate that memories play tricks, and I find myself missing him. It isnt like other relationships that go bad. He really wanted to be a better person than he is, but couldn't. Yours sounds similar. It is very sad. And, under those circumstances, it is easy to get sucked back in because it can feel altruistic: you want to help him. It's hard to accept that you can't, and that he will keep hurting you, even if he really doesn't want to.

So, be proud of yourself for learning now.

[Wize]

... .you want to help him. It's hard to accept that you can't, and that he will keep hurting you, even if he really doesn't want to.

I think this quote very concisely sums up a lot of the internal conflict and confusion that nons feel as their r/s with their pwBPD falls apart. 

[Larmoyant]

Ok, pulled myself together. This just jumped out at me:

Quote from heartandwhole, "By learning about our unskillful reactions (walking in front of that bus after having been hit before and seeing it coming again) we have the power to learn, grow, and change. That's the key, right? We can't keep stepping in front of the bus and hoping for something different to happen. No, we change our behavior and erect boundaries to communicate what we value (ourselves!) to others."

and this:

Quote from Ab123, "She kept saying to me "we teach people how to treat us," and tried to get me to see that I had taught my husband he could be selfish and mean, without consequence. She was right, though it didn't help me until much later. Learning to walk away from someone who crosses boundaries is hard, especially if we can find excuses for their bad behavior.

 
Boundaries, I didn't have any, or more realistically I did, but they were very weak and he bulldozed them. I’ve lost count of how many times I left vowing never to go back only to succumb to some sweet talking. Round and around. Chasing the good times, hoping that this time I’d get what I so wanted.

Excuses, I realised something was mentally/emotional off with him. When I started researching BPD it fit and I thought I could help him. NPD fit too, and I battled with these two things. NPD made him cruel, easier to leave. BPD made him cruel, but the sadness behind it, e.g., the fear of abandonment, in my eyes gave him an excuse. I left him at one point, bumped into him whilst out, he sent me tons of texts and it was clear he was really suffering. I went over there and saw it with my own eyes. He looked dejected, miserable and so very sad. I went back, only it just got worse and worse. The memory of him so desperately sad kept me there far too long. I excused much of his behaviour because of BPD and I thought I could love him out of it.

Quote from Ab123, "The bad and the good seem so separate that memories play tricks, and I find myself missing him. It isnt like other relationships that go bad. He really wanted to be a better person than he is, but couldn't. Yours sounds similar. It is very sad. And, under those circumstances, it is easy to get sucked back in because it can feel altruistic: you want to help him."

I focused on the good times, pushed down the bad. I really loved him and I could see the good in him. The times he really tried. One time he wanted to give me a really good weekend, no raging, no arguing and he did it. How? By smoking marijuana much of the time. I didn't join him as I don't, but I could see what he was doing! Knew it was helping to keep him calm. I don't understand really it's difficult, but it's all so very sad.

The worst part is to accept that I can't do anything to help him without being destroyed in the process.

Quote from Wounded, "Our BPDexes may look happy on the outside but we all know that they will carry on the same relational patterns for the rest of their lives."

This highlights my mixed feelings right now. I feel both glad and sad about this! Glad that he won’t be happy given what he’s done to me, but sad at the same time because I’ve seen his suffering. It’s so hard trying to work out these mixed feelings. Goes back to the NPD (bad) vs BPD (sad)thing I have going on!

Thanks all for helping me work through this some of this.

If I can sum it up I have weak boundaries, do not value myself enough, I am a caretaker and as Herodias said in another post (thanks for helping Blue) maybe codependent. I have some reading to do.