Another BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Started to post this in another section, but now think it goes here.

I've been dating someone now for 2 years who doesn't have BPD but in recent months seems to get triggered into rage. She's called me the love of her life. Met the family many times, and the friends.

At first, after her rage, she seemed shocked at herself and agreed to do couples counseling, but I'm not sure the counselor was fully equipped. I mean, I had to define gas lighting for him. Sometimes her triggers come when things are great, and it feels like she wants to make sure I don't forget that I've wronged her in the past (nothing big, I think just generally, as all people do in relationships sometimes; it's hard to know since she's not communicating well).

Anyway, she now seems less apologetic after "her tornados" (as the therapist calls them). I was getting anxious about the state of things and wanted a serious talk so I asked that when we went on vacation a few weeks later we could talk. In the middle of a great moment with friends, we walked to grab something and I suggested we see a show--that was it, she started to rage. I got really upset, told her it was making me miserable, and she wouldn't stop. I asked to take a time out, but she kept going, and then just stood, like in a daze. Finally, I told her that if she couldn't come back down she should leave. So she got her friends, and they all packed to go. She never apologized. Later I asked why she was willing to leave rather than chill out, why not apologize knowing she was being hurtful and she said she'd "deal with it later". I was embarrassed by the situation and went to get her and the friends back and they stayed for the week. It was very odd.

We came home to a collapsed ceiling, and had to house hop for two weeks--stressful, but we were good to each other in it all. Days after going back home, as my dog had an emergency, she started again, as we were in the car on the way there. She started to rail against me, a full on character assault. I left the car, told her to leave, and that it was over. She later emailed me that she agreed it should be. She moved out.

A few months later she seemed eager to meet up--we did and it was like old times. A few more slow moves in meet ups and I thought she was flirting heavily. I liked it but was anxious, so I asked are we really over? She freaked out, yelled at me and after I asked her to calm down and she didn't I hung up. Then she emailed me to say she can't take all my questions from the past as she's trying to move on and said she can't handle the ups and downs of our relationship. I WAS SHOCKED!  I FEEL LIKE SHE'S STEERING US THERE! AND NOW THE BLAME IS ON ME?

I'm willing to own the fact that it takes two to tango, but she's not shown accountability at all! After 3 months she texted an apology, revealed that since I know her better than anyone, sometimes it feels like I'm attacking her when its really in her head. Seemed like progress. She said she's take time to work on herself, and had some short nice chats with me.

Then, she calls to say she's moved on, dating someone new. In that call, she eventually raged, and I hung up. I said I wanted nothing to do with her again. I later texted to apologize for my role in things, and she ignored me. For 2 days. I finally emailed to say not to reach out when she was ready, and cut all social media ties with her friends, family and her.

I feel like such a fool. Like I wasted my time. I don't know how to forgive myself, especially when to the outside world she's thoughtful, reliable, laid back. They love her. Even some of my friends want to maintain a FB connection. Based on their experiences, of course they would!

I also feel like I've been villanized. It feels unfair. I'm not sure if she has BPD, but it feels like she's got some traits.   

[Ellemno]

Started to post this in another section, but now think it goes here.

I've been dating someone now for 2 years who doesn't have BPD but in recent months seems to get triggered into rage. She's called me the love of her life. Met the family many times, and the friends.

At first, after her rage, she seemed shocked at herself and agreed to do couples counseling, but I'm not sure the counselor was fully equipped. I mean, I had to define gas lighting for him. Sometimes her triggers come when things are great, and it feels like she wants to make sure I don't forget that I've wronged her in the past (nothing big, I think just generally, as all people do in relationships sometimes; it's hard to know since she's not communicating well).

Anyway, she now seems less apologetic after "her tornados" (as the therapist calls them). I was getting anxious about the state of things and wanted a serious talk so I asked that when we went on vacation a few weeks later we could talk. In the middle of a great moment with friends, we walked to grab something and I suggested we see a show--that was it, she started to rage. I got really upset, told her it was making me miserable, and she wouldn't stop. I asked to take a time out, but she kept going, and then just stood, like in a daze. Finally, I told her that if she couldn't come back down she should leave. So she got her friends, and they all packed to go. She never apologized. Later I asked why she was willing to leave rather than chill out, why not apologize knowing she was being hurtful and she said she'd "deal with it later". I was embarrassed by the situation and went to get her and the friends back and they stayed for the week. It was very odd.

We came home to a collapsed ceiling, and had to house hop for two weeks--stressful, but we were good to each other in it all. Days after going back home, as my dog had an emergency, she started again, as we were in the car on the way there. She started to rail against me, a full on character assault. I left the car, told her to leave, and that it was over. She later emailed me that she agreed it should be. She moved out.

A few months later she seemed eager to meet up--we did and it was like old times. A few more slow moves in meet ups and I thought she was flirting heavily. I liked it but was anxious, so I asked are we really over? She freaked out, yelled at me and after I asked her to calm down and she didn't I hung up. Then she emailed me to say she can't take all my questions from the past as she's trying to move on and said she can't handle the ups and downs of our relationship. I WAS SHOCKED!  I FEEL LIKE SHE'S STEERING US THERE! AND NOW THE BLAME IS ON ME?

I'm willing to own the fact that it takes two to tango, but she's not shown accountability at all! After 3 months she texted an apology, revealed that since I know her better than anyone, sometimes it feels like I'm attacking her when its really in her head. Seemed like progress. She said she's take time to work on herself, and had some short nice chats with me.

Then, she calls to say she's moved on, dating someone new. In that call, she eventually raged, and I hung up. I said I wanted nothing to do with her again. I later texted to apologize for my role in things, and she ignored me. For 2 days. I finally emailed to say not to reach out when she was ready, and cut all social media ties with her friends, family and her.

I feel like such a fool. Like I wasted my time. I don't know how to forgive myself, especially when to the outside world she's thoughtful, reliable, laid back. They love her. Even some of my friends want to maintain a FB connection. Based on their experiences, of course they would!

I also feel like I've been villanized. It feels unfair. I'm not sure if she has BPD, but it feels like she's got some traits.   

[Nester]

BPD or not, it sounds like she is (at best) unsure about what she wants, and willing to take out her anger on you. You're not a fool, especially if everyone else loves her: after all, you were a part of "everyone else" until you really got to know her.

People with BPD are amazing actors: I watched my ex flirt with our friend all evening, then corner me in the bathroom shaking and demanding that I take her home because she felt like he would assault her. She said that she had been terrified the entire time she talked with him, but I guarantee that absolutely no one would have known that.

Best,

Nestor

[Ellemno]

Thanks Nestor. I'm feeling pretty hard on myself today.

[Ellemno]

I'm also having a hard time with my responses in these situations. Early on I was able to be centered and communicate, but that last convo triggered me, and I was all over the place--giving mixed signals. Anyone else relate?