Well she left

[sistersleep]

Guess all the space, all the patience, all the understanding just wasn't good enough. She left without saying a word. Just removed herself from all the groups we shared, all the social media, all the games. Just completely erased herself from my life without a single word. Now everything I have kept pent up over the last couple weeks just wants to surface. One part of me just wants to turn and rage on her. Another part of me wants to run and ask her why. I doubt I will do either of those things. I am so angry - for all the love she told me she had for me, everything we'd been through together, all the personal and intimate things we shared together, she couldn't even say goodbye. She just disappeared. But more than anything I am heartbroken. So hurt. So so sad. I don't even know what to do with myself now. I feel like throwing up.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Has she ever disappeared like this before?

[FallBack!Monster]

Guess all the space, all the patience, all the understanding just wasn't good enough. She left without saying a word. Just removed herself from all the groups we shared, all the social media, all the games. Just completely erased herself from my life without a single word. Now everything I have kept pent up over the last couple weeks just wants to surface. One part of me just wants to turn and rage on her. Another part of me wants to run and ask her why. I doubt I will do either of those things. I am so angry - for all the love she told me she had for me, everything we'd been through together, all the personal and intimate things we shared together, she couldn't even say goodbye. She just disappeared. But more than anything I am heartbroken. So hurt. So so sad. I don't even know what to do with myself now. I feel like throwing up.

sistersleep
My ex left about a year ago, and it wasn't til i told her i was soon cutting our last form of communication, and almost forced her to say goodbye, that she did.  I don't think if I had forced she would have.  It doesn't feel any better when they say goodbye. My thoughts and feelings were exactly like yours, except I knew she was already playing elsewhere.  I never had much hope.  I could see she wasn't well. I already new that no amount of love, patience, or understanding, would make it all better.  This forum helped me with that early in our relationship.

What I did to make myself, my emotions calmer, when I knew she was drifting away, I went to her instead of her engulfing me.  I told her when i was coming so that I wouldn't get any surprises that ultimately would have ended up hurting me and never her.  I helped her with her everyday things, until I didn't feel to do for her anymore.

Weird! but it helped me too.  It could have been a worse feeling for me if I didn't do it in that manner. I missed her presence and I went looking for it.  Until I realized she had turned into someone else.  To this day, I still love her but understand that it was her choice to leave.  This is your opportunity to live again.  It takes time.  For some more than others, but you CAN live and love again.

Me

[sistersleep]

Has she ever disappeared like this before?

Last summer when we were just friends she was back and forth nearly every other week until finally in the fall she shut me out completely. I was already in love with her at the time and I basically had to rearrange my entire life in order to get over her. It was hard, but I found myself in a position where I had a lot of support from people and they didn't even know how helpful they were. Then around January she started easing her way back into my life and we slowly rebuilt our friendship, and then that friendship turned into a romantic relationship. She told me that the reason she had shut me out before was that she was getting feelings for me, and that she was falling for me more and more every day. It was as though everything I had ever wanted was just kind of dropped into my lap. And things were great for quite a while. And then out of the blue she started becoming less affectionate, less communicative, started going days without speaking to me, and when we would talk she would be cold and distant. This gradual cooling went on for about a month until Thursday when she just decided to erase herself from my life with no explanation.

But then last night she texted me and told me she had been drinking (which is unusual for her, she very rarely drinks). I'll admit that I was short with her, and she sensed that. She asked if I was mad at her, that I was being short. She asked if she was interrupting anything, and when it took me three minutes to respond, she said she'd just leave me be. I wrote back that she wasn't interrupting anything and then she decided to call. We talked for about two hours about nothing in particular. Watched some funny videos on youtube. Then she got tired, hung up and texted me a heart. I'm weak and I texted her a heart back. I don't know if this is her way of testing the waters or if she was just drunk and lonely last night and knew that I would be around. I am so lost and confused and it doesn't help that she will just not communicate about what she's thinking or feeling, even though she is very capable of doing so. At this point I really just don't know what she wants from me.

This forum helped me with that early in our relationship.

I have to say this forum has been a godsend. I only wish I had known about it earlier. But the people on here have been nothing short of amazing. Even just reading through other people's posts has been so helpful.

I still love her but understand that it was her choice to leave.

Terrible as it sounds, this might be the hardest part for me to accept... .especially after she's talked about running away from things even when she doesn't want to. Even still, if she wants to come back, she has to make that choice as well. And I guess I too have to ask myself if this sort of back and forth and uncertainty is something I can really live with.

[livednlearned]

But then last night she texted me and told me she had been drinking (which is unusual for her, she very rarely drinks). I'll admit that I was short with her, and she sensed that. She asked if I was mad at her, that I was being short. She asked if she was interrupting anything, and when it took me three minutes to respond, she said she'd just leave me be. I wrote back that she wasn't interrupting anything and then she decided to call. We talked for about two hours about nothing in particular. Watched some funny videos on youtube. Then she got tired, hung up and texted me a heart.

Some people with BPD pull away because they need to regulate intense feelings. People without BPD do this, too. When close others respond without judgment, blame, criticism, it reassures them that we were not harmed by their actions. She may not be able to talk about this, even so, it's happening, whether she is aware or not.

At this point I really just don't know what she wants from me.

She has a lot less control over her behavior than it may seem. There are neurobiological aspects to BPD that show up in other disorders, like OCD (rumination), ADD (impulsivity), bipolar (anxiety/depression), etc. One difference with BPD is the emotional whirlpool that sucks them down into a scary place. To stay afloat, they use anything and all things to try and right themselves. Often these behaviors are hurtful to us, especially if we take them personally.

She probably wants more than anything to live a life with meaning. BPD makes this very difficult.

I guess I too have to ask myself if this sort of back and forth and uncertainty is something I can really live with.

It helps when we take care of ourselves, to make sure we aren't hurt by the behaviors. When someone leaves who seems to also repeatedly return, it can get easier to depersonalize and not feel so hurt, though it is likely that the behaviors will continue to some extent. It becomes our job to make sure we take good care of ourselves. People with BPD tend to be incredibly mercurial and understandably that is hard to abide.

Some people can tolerate it, especially if they feel that the skills are making things incrementally better.

[sistersleep]

Some people with BPD pull away because they need to regulate intense feelings. People without BPD do this, too. When close others respond without judgment, blame, criticism, it reassures them that we were not harmed by their actions. She may not be able to talk about this, even so, it's happening, whether she is aware or not.

You know, I've heard it time and again that people with BPD can pull away because they need to regulate intense feelings. I've read it in books, on these forums, from my therapist. And yet in the midst of these periods when she pulls away, that all seems to go out the window and I can't help but wonder if she's done with me or just needs time to re-regulate. It's terribly confusing. And when she comes back - if she comes back - do I just have to put on a strong face and act as though I wasn't distressed during this time? I caved and sent her a text earlier today just saying hey and she never responded.

When someone leaves who seems to also repeatedly return, it can get easier to depersonalize and not feel so hurt, though it is likely that the behaviors will continue to some extent.

I think this time around I'm having such a difficult time with it because this is the first time she's shut me out since we've become romantically involved and it's reopening the wounds from when she left in the fall. So right now I'm left feeling uncertain of if her feelings have changed or if it's actually just the BPD. I'm not yet sure if I know how to overcome that uncertainty. I'm trying. I try to remind myself that it's not personal, but jeeze louise, it's hard.

[livednlearned]

And when she comes back - if she comes back - do I just have to put on a strong face and act as though I wasn't distressed during this time? I caved and sent her a text earlier today just saying hey and she never responded.

There are a lot of ways to convey your feelings. You can tell her you were distressed in a way that is angry. You can tell her in a way that conveys judgment, blame, and/or criticism. You can also tell her in a way that conveys you are sad and hurt. Or, if you want to try positive reinforcement, you might convey that you are relieved she is back, that you were worried and hearing from her let you know she was ok. Given the nature of BPD, it's probably clear that some ways will bring about better results than others. Compassion works best, though obviously that is very difficult when you are experiencing your own emotional distress.

She probably struggles to take care of her own intense emotional needs, so being able to support your needs will likely be challenging for her, and probably not be something she can do consistently.

I'm not yet sure if I know how to overcome that uncertainty.

I understand. Uncertainty may feel even worse than outright point-blank rejection. It's a form of limbo.

It is easy to get overly focused on your partner's feelings in these relationships. And yet, when you take care of yourself, you teach her how to treat you. I know that is easier said than done, though sometimes going through the motions is how to begin.

A lot is counter-intuitive in these relationships. Sometimes taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of her.

[sistersleep]

Given the nature of BPD, it's probably clear that some ways will bring about better results than others. Compassion works best

Yes, compassion is probably the most reasonable course of action. And believe me, I have done everything I can think of to show patience and understanding and love. The last thing I want is to make her feel worse. Here's something though. I just got back from my therapist, and she said something that really kind of took me aback, and is making me reassess how I'm going about things. She told me that I have to start treating my partner like a person, not a diagnosis. I didn't realize I had been doing that, but I see her point. I have spent all this time reading books, articles, going on different websites and whatnot, trying to understand BPD. Trying to learn everything I could about it so I could be a better partner for her. Somewhere along the way I lost myself. I filtered myself and changed my behavior. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing altogether, but it occurs to me that maybe one of the reasons that she is distancing herself is because I am simply trying too hard to be what I think she needs me to be instead of what she actually needs me to be, which is myself. Does that make sense?

She probably struggles to take care of her own intense emotional needs, so being able to support your needs will likely be challenging for her, and probably not be something she can do consistently.

I'm going to have to say you are probably entirely correct on that one. And actually, I am going over things in my head and I can recall times where I have needed her reassurance on things, which she gave... .but maybe that was not something she felt she could not do regularly. It wasn't about feelings or anything, but it was very personal. And I did need a lot of reassurance about it, and I guess... .well... .how can you offer someone reassurance when you are plagued by your own self doubt?

It is easy to get overly focused on your partner's feelings in these relationships

Well it's true, I am concerned about her feelings. Not just how she feels about me, but you know, about everything. I care about her feelings very much. But I think I see your point. I can't care for her without caring for myself. I don't function under the delusion that there's anything I can do to "fix" her. I don't think she's broken. But I would like to see her happy and I would like to be part of that. Sorry if my thoughts are all over the place by the way.

I also wanted to ask what may be a very stupid question. Can you talk to someone about their BPD? I mean, can you say something like "I know you might be feeling this this and this because of this this and this, and it's okay." I don't want to presume anything about why she is feeling any particular way, and I don't mean to put things in a way that maybe she would feel that I'm telling her she's "at fault" (not that there is fault) simply for being borderline. I don't if that makes sense. I don't know. I just find it difficult to offer validation and reassurance when there is so little communication.

I also just want to say thank you for taking the time to respond, your input has really given me a lot to think about.