Freedom

[JaneStorm]

Been off here for a while!

I have been away from my BPDex since January 4th, 2016. It was tough going; keeping NC. I would respond to his jibes in text and email. My past posts here reflect the turmoil I was in.

I was in therapy and also sought out EMDR. Both were invaluable to my clearing of the fog. Literally, one day I woke up and did not feel that toxic hangover. I had sat on my hands since January 15, 2016 and maintained NC; I blocked, deleted, and did a very thorough housecleaning.

I felt free. Not perfect, but free. Still was struggling with my nicotine habit that I revisited during the final dark days in the relationship. What is a woman to do with all of this newfound freedom?

Why, plan an epic trip - ALONE. Of course. I am starting in a Nordic country and spending 16-days touring, eating, socializing, and meditating. I could NEVER have been 'allowed' such a thing. I would be harassed if I went to the mountains for the weekend alone to get centered.

The FOG has cleared, I will be nicotine free there... .I will be free.

Hang in there and we have to keep moving.

He has begun trying to contact me after 7 months, using his great teen kids as bait. I have a message relationship with the daughter that is off to college and she does not tell him. He is triggered because of us being together last summer on vacation with the kids. He tried to ruin it. He ruined many trips.

Not anymore. I block and delete. He gets new emails and phone numbers. Rinse and repeat.

Silence kills them inside. It is the Silver Bullet!

I still get therapy sessions when I feel the Darkness creeping up in my head but it happens to everyone; mine just has claws and I am aware!

[rj47]

Why, plan an epic trip - ALONE. Of course. I am starting in a Nordic country and spending 16-days touring, eating, socializing, and meditating. I could NEVER have been 'allowed' such a thing. I would be harassed if I went to the mountains for the weekend alone to get centered.

The FOG has cleared, I will be nicotine free there... .I will be free.

Hang in there and we have to keep moving.

For all the downsides and struggle to get better the freedom alone can be worth the ride. Keep moving, enjoy your trip and stay open to what brings a bit of joy. Never know what you might discover.

[FigureIt]

Your post is inspiring! I hope I'm there 7 months from now. I can see the light... .I know it s coming in 3 weeks... .It just seems so hard right now.

[BirdinFlight]

Thank you for the great post. I agree that it's inspiring. I'm still in a spin at two months but this gives me hope!

[Tallie]

Wow- great post! My discard was the exact same day although she moved out three weeks later... .I'm nearly detached although I have my moments. Well done to you!

[JaneStorm]

Pour all of the love into yourselves that they took and shat on! 

We are worth it!

[rj47]

Pour all of the love into yourselves that they took and shat on! 

I think that the more we pour into ourselves the more we have to give back to that next person that might show up unexpectedly. It might be contrarian but I'm convinced that life in the eye of the hurricane for a long time also has capacity to make us better partners never taking for granted what most people do in reasonably healthy relationships engaging in mutual respect, acceptance, intimacy and trust without fear.

[atomic popsicles]

Rj47 I like the thought of that.