Two more weeks

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We are up this afternoon.  Our attorney stated that we have definitely made our case.  It will really rest on if the judge has the wherewithal to tell an almost 16 year old where to live.  Let's hope he has enough ire at what the other side has done that he will move him.

[sanemom]

We are up this afternoon.  Our attorney stated that we have definitely made our case.  It will really rest on if the judge has the wherewithal to tell an almost 16 year old where to live.  Let's hope he has enough ire at what the other side has done that he will move him.

[Panda39]

I've been following along and just wanted to wish you and DH well today 

Panda39

[GaGrl]

I've been following also... .all positive energy being sent your way.

[ForeverDad]

To the judge... .

History:  If anyone had asked him two years ago he would said we were wonderful parents.

What changed:  His older sister, previously alienated from dad, aged out of the family court system and his mother then focused her attention and tactics on the younger boys whom she hadn't previously paid much attention to.

[sanemom]

She had two of his kids testify against him, and the judge was very unhappy about that.  And then the judge kept watching the window, and the kids were peering in--he was very unhappy about that.  BPD mom turned on the tears about money, etc, but the judge rolled his eyes.  

90 days no contact with mom; 60 days supervised visits; then review hearing.  If there is contact with mom, mom goes to jail.

I cried... .in shock.  

[Thunderstruck]

She had two of his kids testify against him, and the judge was very unhappy about that.  And then the judge kept watching the window, and the kids were peering in--he was very unhappy about that.  BPD mom turned on the tears about money, etc, but the judge rolled his eyes.  

90 days no contact with mom; 60 days supervised visits; then review hearing.  If there is contact with mom, mom goes to jail.

I cried... .in shock.  

Oh my gosh!       

That's perfect! I don't think enough exclamation points and emojis can do it justice! 

Thank goodness for that judge. I want to send him a fruit basket.

[Panda39]

She had two of his kids testify against him, and the judge was very unhappy about that.  And then the judge kept watching the window, and the kids were peering in--he was very unhappy about that.  BPD mom turned on the tears about money, etc, but the judge rolled his eyes.  

90 days no contact with mom; 60 days supervised visits; then review hearing.  If there is contact with mom, mom goes to jail.

I cried... .in shock.  

Wow!     Threatened with jail time that's big!  So sorry about the kids testifying against their dad that must have been hard on your DH that is painful even if you know who is pulling the strings.  But if nothing else that demonstrated the alienation and putting her needs before her children.  Putting those kids on the stand is awful in so many ways.  Those kids are going to have to live with that... .so sad.

I'm with Thunderstruck thank goodness you had a judge that saw it for what it is and acted. 

I hope you will share more of the story when you have time.  Moving forward you guys still have a lot of hard work, undoing the job your step-son's mom has done to him (and the other kids for that matter)... .time to work on deprogramming and rebuilding relationships not an easy task. 

Enjoy the moment and try to take a breath.

Panda39

[GaGrl]

Oh. My. God.

What are the exchange arrangements?

Do you think she can maintain No Contact? Will she pull DD into it as a go-between?

[ForeverDad]

  Finally!

Beware that she may try to maintain contact through the two older children, either messages, gifts or whatever.  I'm guessing it was as expected, the adult children testified and not DSS15?

Does 'supervised' mean with a professional agency?  Maybe with the teen's therapist?  She will have to be closely monitored then because she's sure to guilt or project in subtle and not so subtle ways.

Money?  She owes DH more than he owes her.  If he is to pay any child support, does it stop during the next 5 months?

[bravhart1]

I'm so glad that the judge was brave enough to do the right thing!

The tides they are a changing! Let's rejoice in the courts finally getting it! Thank you Dr. Childress for writing a comprehensive model for the courts to follow to finally put and end to alienation. It's LONG overdue.

So very happy for you! Keep a chin up, I've been through this and there are some unexpected side effects to finally getting BPDm out of your life for a while. It's been six months for us and SD is just now finally turning into a real child.
Please message me if you want to talk. And DO NOT feel guilty, she would have done the same to you in court only more so. You did this to protect your DH from losing his child, those kids are brain washed and that's not easy.

[sanemom]

Today's presentation:

BM had DSS18 and DSD19 testify... .judge glared at her almost the whole time that they testified.  She really has no clue how bad that looked.

First they called DH to the stand to basically ask him to read off how much he made on his W-2.  That was it.  Can they scream "this is all about money" any more?

BPDmom had DSS18 testify first.  He testified that he had a relationship with his dad, but he was closer to his mom.  He testified that he wanted to testify to stand up for his brother (which are EXACTLY the same words his sister said in November).  He talked about his frustration that the therapist was mainly working with him with his relationship with his dad (um... .that is what she was appointed for).  Her lawyer had him testify that mom never says anything bad about their dad, and she encourages a relationship with their dad.  He talked about the most recent DCFS call where DH had taken some medicine that made him tired at dinner and DH had him drive home (so BPD mom concluded that DH was drinking and driving on the way to the restaurant).  The lawyer asked him about going into our room and taking pictures of the prescriptions and texting them to mom--he said his brother did that. The lawyer asked him about what he thought about seeing the negative drug test in the counselor's office; he started talking about how it would not have caught the codeine he thinks his dad abused.  Judge perked up... .our attorney asked, "A 10 panel hair follicle test will not catch codeine?" Her attorney objected that this 18 year old is not a drug test expert; judge said, "Overruled, I am interested in his answer."  Kaboom... .clear manipulation by BPD mom teaching her son that our negative drug test didn't mean anything.  He also talked about when his parents have conflict, no one tells him about the conflict, but he disengages from both parents (yeah--that didn't make sense).  Then he admitted he basically cuts off dad when there is conflict between his parents.

Then DSD19 testified.  She testified that we had un-invited her on our family vacation--but then admitted she had no communication with her dad and had blocked him on her phone.  She said that her relationship problems with her dad had nothing to do with her mom.  She also testified that DH had been drinking at the graduation party last month (remember--we took a 3 month alcohol panel to prove he has had NOTHING to drink plus the witness who stated the same--so the judge knew that was false).

Then BPD mom testified.  She did a lot of crying, talking about how money is always an issue.  Apparently, she just lost her job again.  She cried when talking about the alienation finding the judge made last year; said she has read and tried to find out why, but she doesn't think she is alienating.  She stated that she even went to a counselor for a session, and the counselor told her she was not alienating.  She said she doesn't say bad things about DH and thinks that their kids need a relationship with him--she knows it is important because she doesn't have a relationship with her dad (another sign).  Our attorney then showed her the letter where she is supposedly supportive of DH when he went to the hospital, but where she was making false assumptions that he was an addict.  He pointed out that her stating these things as fact to her kids is part of what is alienating them.  She didn't get it... .then our attorney made the point that she called CPS because DH was "drowsy at dinner"--he restated that for emphasis.  He kept poking holes in some of the other things she said... .like DH wasn't helping pay for college... .has he seen the bill?  no; just stuff like that.  His main evidence was the email where DH sent BPD mom his times of possession for the summer as ordered in the rendering of the order she wouldn't sign, and she wrote back, "A draft order is not an agreement.  If you want an agreement, we'll need a final order."  He used that same email yesterday... ..  

Overall, when BPD mom testified, the judge got a good picture of how she plays pathetic to manipulate the kids.  I saw the judge roll his eyes a lot during her testimony.

The judge got irritated with BPD mom when he saw all three kids peering in the window while mom was testifying.  He said that they needed to go home--was there any reason they were still here.  Her attorney piped up that they've been here both days--judge got angrier that they had been here.  Then her attorney said that he wanted judge to talk with 15 year old.  Judge paused and thought for a minute; then said never mind.  Shortly thereafter, he waved my attorney off with a "you don't need to keep going" look.

He didn't even want closing arguments, and he didn't want to talk with the 15 year old.  He said that this rose "to the level of severe emotional abuse, and he is in danger."  He told my husband that he had two kids testify against him, and that must have been hard.  Then he ordered the 90 days no contact or mom goes to jail; followed by 60 days supervised visits with the boys' therapist; then a review hearing.  BPD mom sobbed in the courtroom and in the hallway when she said goodbye to DSS15.

Oh yeah... he vacated first order that they never signed.  I found out later that means it is as if it never happened, which means that BPD mom will not get credit for the child support that DH should have paid.  Judge also said no child support for mom now (which is totally fine... .he probably felt sorry for her lack of income).  They kept saying it was all about money for us; I think he could tell it wasn't.

I am sure there was more I will remember later... .sorry so long.  It was so intense--we are still in shock, and DSS15 is not coming out of his room.

[sanemom]

One more thing---these are temporary orders that will be reviewed after 5 months, but right now DH has sole custody.

I kind of wonder, since she has no job now, if she is going to move several hours away to live with her mom.  Not sure how it works if she doesn't follow the orders and doesn't do her supervised visits.

[Nope]

All very good stuff! I'd try to give SS15 his space as much as possible. Just bring up his meals and let him relax and get used to being home again. Once the massive amount of immediate pressure starts to subside you can invite him down to watch TV. As long as she isn't blowing up his cell phone right now he should be starting to calm down.

I very somewhat doubt she'll be held to no contact. Proving that contact is still happening will be a bigger issue. Either that or her all or nothing thinking will kick in and she'll do as you said and just leave.

I feel bad for the kids. Eventually they will all be actual adults and not just legal adults and they are going to be so upset over all of this.