Are you depressed?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed. I've been to that place, years ago, when I was in college. Just making the bed took a herculean effort. I had no doubt that I was depressed.

Lately I've been saying "I'm lazy" or "unmotivated" but I've got a ton of work to do that's piling up.

My husband does very little, but he does maintain the pool, mow the lawns and take the trash to the dump every six weeks or so. I'm sure if you were to ask him, he'd say he feels like he's constantly working. Oh, did I mention he's retired?

He has started cooking a couple of meals a week, for which I'm really grateful, since that chore fell solely on my shoulders for years.

But I'm the handy person, the ranch hand, the gardener, the house cleaner, etc. I'm coming to terms with the concept that unless I hire help, tasks won't get done unless I'm the one doing them. And right now, with this heatwave, I feel really unmotivated to do much of anything.

It occurred to me that I'm somewhat depressed. Depressed by the loss of the romantic relationship we once had. Depressed because I recognize so many symptoms of BPD in him. Depressed because my therapist has said that he does indeed have a personality disorder. Depressed because sometimes he can hardly acknowledge my presence. Depressed because this isn't the life I thought I'd have when I said "I do."

It's manageable. I can cope. I no longer feel overwhelmed by resentment. The strategies I've learned to deal with his BPD help and I no longer set off dysregulations inadvertently by speaking my mind freely. Yet I no longer speak my mind openly and that certainly doesn't help with building intimacy in a relationship.

In sum, it's sad. It's disappointing. It's what it is.

How do you cope with feeling depressed about your relationship?

[Cat Familiar]

I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed. I've been to that place, years ago, when I was in college. Just making the bed took a herculean effort. I had no doubt that I was depressed.

Lately I've been saying "I'm lazy" or "unmotivated" but I've got a ton of work to do that's piling up.

My husband does very little, but he does maintain the pool, mow the lawns and take the trash to the dump every six weeks or so. I'm sure if you were to ask him, he'd say he feels like he's constantly working. Oh, did I mention he's retired?

He has started cooking a couple of meals a week, for which I'm really grateful, since that chore fell solely on my shoulders for years.

But I'm the handy person, the ranch hand, the gardener, the house cleaner, etc. I'm coming to terms with the concept that unless I hire help, tasks won't get done unless I'm the one doing them. And right now, with this heatwave, I feel really unmotivated to do much of anything.

It occurred to me that I'm somewhat depressed. Depressed by the loss of the romantic relationship we once had. Depressed because I recognize so many symptoms of BPD in him. Depressed because my therapist has said that he does indeed have a personality disorder. Depressed because sometimes he can hardly acknowledge my presence. Depressed because this isn't the life I thought I'd have when I said "I do."

It's manageable. I can cope. I no longer feel overwhelmed by resentment. The strategies I've learned to deal with his BPD help and I no longer set off dysregulations inadvertently by speaking my mind freely. Yet I no longer speak my mind openly and that certainly doesn't help with building intimacy in a relationship.

In sum, it's sad. It's disappointing. It's what it is.

How do you cope with feeling depressed about your relationship?

[byfaith]

Yes I am depressed, more on some days than others. It is this sinking feeling. I try to keep pulling myself up. It is so difficult to be a separate entity from my wife and stepson for any length of time.

Right now I have this dread of going home. I want to go home and try to be this uplifting person but as soon as I walk through the door there is an overwhelming cloud that is hanging over everything.

It's like I am expected to lift the troops up and bring others out of their depression and make my wife feel better about me again. I am in the crap house with her again ( in my thread about assertiveness)

I got a text today stating she will have to ask God to help her, she cannot live with me any longer without His intervention

Just kind of bummed right now... .thinking about maybe going driving in the mountains for a while until it gets dark

Hang in there CF

[SamwizeGamgee]

How coincidental, I just read a few religious articles about mental illness and family life.

I see myself as having climbed a huge mountain over the last year.  I went from the depths of hopelessness - to feeling that most days, I have my head on straight and I'm an OK human being.  That was huge - learning about BPD, learning about boundaries, and not feeling responsible for my disordered wife's emotional wreckage. 

That said, I have days where I feel sad, and less-energetic.  I also have days that I force myself to not look into the future - for fear of things being the same.  All this contributes to feelings of depression.  Fortunately for me, it passes in short order, as I get back into the moment.  I also re-established hobby and social time for me.  I spend all the time I can with my kids, doing what must be done, or whatever they want to do.  Oddly, though I was taught to be unselfish, I have found the more I pay attention to me, the happier I am - and that surprisingly is better for everyone else.  That sentence still makes me cringe because I have it so ingrained in me to serve others and be self-less.  However, like a battery that eventually goes dead, I ran out of the energy required to be the caretaker - which led to the final destination of depression.  So, I am not caretaking as much, and my battery is doing better - and that has put distance between me and depression.  For me distance running has been a life-saver and life-changer.  It's not for everyone, but that kind of physical activity really was the best thing for my depression.   

I know I have more of this mountain to climb. 

[Verbena]

I'm not depressed at the moment, but I certainly have been at times during my almost 34-year marriage.  Now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I wonder if I might feel depressed once he actually moves out or once the divorce is final. 

Four years ago when I retired from teaching, I remember going through a funk for awhile.  It made no sense because I was thrilled that I was able to retire at 51 and was really looking forward to it.  I'm very excited at the thought of not having to live with my husband anymore and deal with him daily, yet I do wonder if I may not have some of those same blah feelings once he's actually gone. 

[townhouse]

Yes I do know what you mean CatFam. I really shouldn't be here on the undecided board because I am definitely in an improving type relationship, however the title of your post caught my eye.

I also think there are tears at the back of my eyes most days at the moment. It could be the weather or it could be that it is just so damned hard.


"It's manageable. I can cope. I no longer feel overwhelmed by resentment. The strategies I've learned to deal with his BPD help and I no longer set off dysregulations inadvertently by speaking my mind freely. Yet I no longer speak my mind openly and that certainly doesn't help with building intimacy in a relationship.

In sum, it's sad. It's disappointing. It's what it is. "

This is my life too. Sometimes it's a little better but it is what it is. When I feel like this I think my conditioning as a child of a UBPD mother kicks in and I hear her cricitisms. I do try to stay active and positive to counter act these feelings and coming here is a relief as there are others who completely understand what it is like.

Phrases such as "hang in there" may sound trite in the face of so much disappointment but I echo this and know it is meant well. Hugs to all.

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks everybody. My energy is returning and my mood feels lighter. Depression is not a comfortable place for me and I try to get out of it ASAP, unlike the BPDs in my life for which it seems to be an ambient state.

I've learned that my depression lifts quicker through feeling it totally and not trying to escape it. My mother was chronically depressed and I felt like I had to be a cheerleader for her, a thankless task. My husband frequently has a hang-dog expression and looks on the gloomy side of life, which he attributes to being a lawyer and looking for what will go wrong. (Chicken and egg syndrome?)

I've always been a "glass half-full" person, people even called me Pollyanna for my optimistic view of life, but the years of enduring BPD doom and gloom get to me now and then. Not to blame them for my own moods, but it's harder to be joyful when around glum faces.


@byfaith "It is so difficult to be a separate entity from my wife and stepson for any length of time.

Right now I have this dread of going home. I want to go home and try to be this uplifting person but as soon as I walk through the door there is an overwhelming cloud that is hanging over everything.

It's like I am expected to lift the troops up and bring others out of their depression and make my wife feel better about me again."

I know exactly what you mean. The key phase is "separate entity" because that's the codependent's Achille's Heel. I'm finally giving myself permission to be in a good mood when my husband is in the depths of depression.


@SamwizeGamgee  "I have days where I feel sad, and less-energetic.  I also have days that I force myself to not look into the future - for fear of things being the same.  All this contributes to feelings of depression.  Fortunately for me, it passes in short order, as I get back into the moment.  I also re-established hobby and social time for me.  I spend all the time I can with my kids, doing what must be done, or whatever they want to do.  Oddly, though I was taught to be unselfish, I have found the more I pay attention to me, the happier I am - and that surprisingly is better for everyone else.  That sentence still makes me cringe because I have it so ingrained in me to serve others and be self-less.  However, like a battery that eventually goes dead, I ran out of the energy required to be the caretaker - which led to the final destination of depression.  So, I am not caretaking as much, and my battery is doing better - and that has put distance between me and depression.  For me distance running has been a life-saver and life-changer.  It's not for everyone, but that kind of physical activity really was the best thing for my depression."  



Yes, thinking tomorrow, next week, next year--it's all going to be like this--a perpetual "Groundhog Day"--that can really drop one's spirits. Doing things for oneself is hard when you've been trained by your FOO to be a caretaker of others. I like your dead battery analogy. (In the physical plane, I'm dealing with that issue with my tow-behind mower and today I'm installing a solar panel at the barn to keep it charged.) And I completely agree about how physical activity is the cure for depression. I knew I was depressed when I didn't feel like working out or even doing much in general. Yesterday, just doing an hour workout completely alleviated the depression. Miraculous!


@Verbena  "Four years ago when I retired from teaching, I remember going through a funk for awhile.  It made no sense because I was thrilled that I was able to retire at 51 and was really looking forward to it.  I'm very excited at the thought of not having to live with my husband anymore and deal with him daily, yet I do wonder if I may not have some of those same blah feelings once he's actually gone."  



I'm sure it will be a shock when he's actually gone, and it will take some time getting used to doing what exactly you want to do without having that pervasive negative energy surrounding you after all these years. After my divorce I felt exhausted from the fight, but a sense of freedom I hadn't felt in years. It was really exciting. I thought of it as "marrying myself" and I did the sorts of things I would have wanted someone to do for me if they were trying to win my heart. It sounds kind of cheesy writing this. I bought myself little presents and took myself to movies I'd wanted to see and out to dinner. It was truly a wonderful experience and so healing after enduring a very unpleasant relationship.


@townhouse "I also think there are tears at the back of my eyes most days at the moment. It could be the weather or it could be that it is just so damned hard... .This is my life too. Sometimes it's a little better but it is what it is. When I feel like this I think my conditioning as a child of a UBPD mother kicks in and I hear her cricitisms. I do try to stay active and positive to counter act these feelings and coming here is a relief as there are others who completely understand what it is like."



Yep. My UBPD mother constantly criticized me too, called it "constructive criticism." As I got older, I called it "destructive criticism." It's taken thousands of dollars of therapy and lots of time to not hear those old tapes, but I'm largely free of them now. When I do hear those negative comments in my head, I've developed a pugnacious internal part that defends me and looks to see if there's anything worthwhile in that criticism.

[lonelyh1]

I work to numb the pain.

I am also clinically depressed.  I sleep to much, and too tired, mind wanders, mind cannot focus.

and I cannot "just snap out of it"

I finally realised I want someone to just love me.  I am not perfect, but I certainly no devil.  Never cheated, do not drink or smoke, do not waste the money. I have no friends and have isolated my family from me.

And I just go to work and come straight home, because she is soo lonely all the time.   But she goes through cycles,  just when I am most vulnerable and have let my guard done she bashes me emotionally.  She finds something to pick on.

Unfortunately after many years of this cycle I have started to become distance and angry.  My anger is uncontrolled (at the moment it is mostly self loathing and turned inward but I have started to say hurtful things to her)  I hate myself.

All I wanted was a relationship with a little bit of love.  I do so many things for my family but they do not value it.  They just want more, there is always something I have not done.

She is slowly unhinging me.  I used to be the rock in my family and for many of my friends.  I am so worn out that I have little left to give.

Or yeah It is all my fault.  I am distant and unloving and arrogant and I made her cry every day for 10 years.  Everyone of her boyfriends was horrible as well.


I also no longer speak my mind openly.


It is not you.  But it is hard to shake the cloud off your back.

You found a good support group here, with people that really understand.  Cling to this, it helps!

[Cat Familiar]

I am also clinically depressed.  I sleep to much, and too tired, mind wanders, mind cannot focus. and I cannot "just snap out of it"

I think acknowledging the reality of what you feel is a good starting point. I used to fight it--"No I'm not depressed, I'm just tired... ."

I have no friends and have isolated my family from me... .And I just go to work and come straight home, because she is soo lonely all the time.  

I was isolated in my first marriage and that was a mistake. You do them no favors by cutting off family and friends. Your world just gets more dysfunctional without healthy outside influences.

Unfortunately after many years of this cycle I have started to become distance and angry.  My anger is uncontrolled (at the moment it is mostly self loathing and turned inward but I have started to say hurtful things to her)  I hate myself.

What keeps you from reconnecting with your family and friends? What do you have to lose by doing so?

All I wanted was a relationship with a little bit of love.  I do so many things for my family but they do not value it.  They just want more, there is always something I have not done.

Yes, a pwBPD is a bottomless pit of needs. There's no way to satisfy all of their needs; they'll just create more and blame you for not fulfilling them.

She is slowly unhinging me.  I used to be the rock in my family and for many of my friends.  I am so worn out that I have little left to give.

Time to recharge your batteries. What could you do that would make you feel better?

Or yeah It is all my fault.  I am distant and unloving and arrogant and I made her cry every day for 10 years.  Everyone of her boyfriends was horrible as well.

The blame game is easier to manage when we realize it's part of the dysfunction and has little to do with us. Nothing about these relationships is easy, other than the beginning, when we didn't know what we were getting into. However, using the tools and learning how to separate ourselves from their dysfunction, we can begin to reclaim a more relatively normal life.