How much do you value honesty?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone

Just wondering how many of you experienced lies, omission, commission, compulsive, pathological or any other flavour and did it have anything to do with you trusting your ex partner?

While I was typing this I realized this is possibly the dumbest question ever posted on this site and yet I'm laying here beside my son, who's asleep, wondering how and why his mother is so challenged at telling the truth. She just sent a text saying she's praying for our son and praising God for him. Really? Seriously?

She lies like no other and prays yet does not draw the connectuon? Without honesty I do not understand how a person can get much done let alone feel safe or have a healthy relationship.

Um Duh?

Strange strange strange

Oh forgive me for judging anyone who lies, I guess it's a choice and not the esteemed virtue I assumed it need be.

Lol, of coarse I'm kidding but she is ... .charming

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Just wondering how many of you experienced lies, omission, commission, compulsive, pathological or any other flavour and did it have anything to do with you trusting your ex partner?

While I was typing this I realized this is possibly the dumbest question ever posted on this site and yet I'm laying here beside my son, who's asleep, wondering how and why his mother is so challenged at telling the truth. She just sent a text saying she's praying for our son and praising God for him. Really? Seriously?

She lies like no other and prays yet does not draw the connectuon? Without honesty I do not understand how a person can get much done let alone feel safe or have a healthy relationship.

Um Duh?

Strange strange strange

Oh forgive me for judging anyone who lies, I guess it's a choice and not the esteemed virtue I assumed it need be.

Lol, of coarse I'm kidding but she is ... .charming

[UnfadingLife]

Yup. Charming as a snake.
Careful. They bite.
My husband lies even when he doesn't have to. Unfortunately, he feels he always has too.
They have this ability to say whatever they need to say to get through the moment, flip the switch and go right back to doing whatever it was they were doing without thinking of the casualties of their words.
It's rough.

[FallBack!Monster]

Some ppl tell the truth all the time until it's time to cover to save someone they love or save their own ars. I'm okay with that. But if you just lie bc you have a tongue, a voice, and language abilities, that person should never be trusted with anyone or anything; ever. Honesty is very important. Watch out for the pathological liar. If he or she tells you "I love you" run! That means I hate you. If they say "I hate you", lay your head down and go to sleep with no worries; you're good.

[JerryRG]

Hmm charming,

Was thinking, she couldn't wake up this morning because her "brand new" phone just don't work properly and her bf now lives with her so he's living off my son's child support and yet he couldn't assist her in waking up on time? Is he just as incompetent as my son's mother? I couldn't make this stuff up you know. No one would believe me.

I miss 3 hours of work while her and her bf sleep in and I'm paying for the room and board. Haha

[JerryRG]

My exgf is beyond my pay grade to figure out but yes, no trusting her what so ever. Her bf must not mind lies so they make a compatible couple.

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone, not sure why I forget just how bad the lying was and still is. My eagerness to believe people try to better themselves when they say they are bettering themselves. Proof is in their actions, words are cheap.

[Wize]

My mom, who is 73 years old and literally the sweetest person in the world called my exBPD wife a snake after meeting her only twice.  I was quite offended because I was in the midst of being love bombed.  After one of our Christmas parties my mom called my exwife a compulsive liar.  Once again, I couldn't understand why she would say that. My exwife was the most sincere person I'd ever met.  Hah! My mom can smell a rat, she's been around long enough to know what they look like.  In hindsight my ex was a compulsive liar.  I was so fooled because my ex honestly believed her lies.  Crazy.

[ICantFixHer]

The BPD's entire construct of reality is based on lies.

[Sadly]

Hi Jerry
Tricky one this. Honesty is the cornerstone of my being. BUT. I lied to my ex when he asked me "what's wrong" and I said " nothing" because I knew if I told him everything would kick off. In fact our last huge row before we split this time I thought of saying "nothing" but I didn't, ergo we split.
 He lies, has always lied and many times I knew he was lying, again, I left it, because I knew what would happen. So Am I a liar, technically yes. BUT, never about life, happenings, love, my feelings. I cannot bear lying or being lied to.
This split up I threw a huge lie he had told me into the pot, no going back from, his shock was as loud as his anger. The sad thing is he told me it was something he had done, told me himself, but he has lied about it to himself so much he has convinced himself it didn't happen. That I am mentally deranged and making it up. I know when I have told the little saving myself and him from hurt lies, he doesn't acknowledge his own, even to himself. Sorry for ramble. Xx

[gotbushels]

Very highly. I believe it's linked with practical accountability and self-control. Yes, no one is perfect, but the link is there.

Later in my relationship this helped me remove my ex from my mind--it was a huge issue for her. Some people talk about reciprocity in relationships. Honesty is one area. I think if there is a huge perceived difference here in terms of contributions and what is received, then it has the potential to go a very long way in helping the non to get out of the tangle.

Without honesty I do not understand how a person can get much done let alone feel safe or have a healthy relationship.

We have similar thinking here 

She lies like no other and prays yet does not draw the connectuon?

Remember it usually has even less to do with you or the situation. Behaviours that seem obvious to normal people may not seem obvious to the BP. My ex did well at work and could then dysregulate for 6+ hours that night. Feelings > facts.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Ah, let me recall ... .my first deliberate, constructed, intentional lie in (at then) 17 years of marriage to my wife was when I covered myself for seeing a therapist - due the horror she was putting me through.  Sad, ironic, and justified. 
After that came the clandestine family law lawyer visits. 

I value honesty. In fact it's my sense of duty, integrity, and honesty that have kept me married.

My wife will lie, although I understand that she may not be aware of it.  As described somewhere about BPD, she substituted feelings for facts, and those facts become her reality, and thus she tells the "truth" based on her unreal facts.  She can also project and blame, and manipulate, and gas-light, like the best of them, so I guess that's dishonest too.  But, in it all, I am led to believe that she believes herself and is telling her truth. 

Now that I'm aware that we are both living our own dishonesty, there's not much in the heart of our relationship.

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone

It's encouraging and sad to know I'm not alone with dealing with lies.

My grandmother used to tell me you can bolt your doors to keep thieves from breaking into your home but there is no defence from liars.

Not sure I totally agree but it is a helpless feeling realizing the person you love does not respect you or themselves enough to be honest.

Then again we are dealing with Cluster B people.

I do not expect my son's mother to be honest, that responsibility rests with me. Acceptance of her illness and the fact she isn't well, even if she pretends to be so.

I knew she wasn't honest yet perused a relationship with her, there in lies my problem, finding our why I would do this is my focus from now on.

When I'm away from my ex I'm fine, when I'm around her I am not.

[Lilyroze]

  Jerry,

Thanks for the post, as today is a really rough day.

I need to remember  I didn't cause it, can't cure it and honesty is so important today. I want to reach out with compassion, but realized I already have to nothing again. I can't let the silent treatment hurt me any-more.

These posts bring back to everything aside I was mislead, and things hidden will ill intent.

When will the pain stop?

[Sadly]

All
Just to put a bit of perspective onto the NC subject. Tomorrow is one full week for me and the last few days have been up and down, devastated, strong, sleepless, determined, you name the ups and downs I've had them. I started to wobble, aching to text, missing him so dreadfully. Then tonight, I received a flurry of texts from him. Started with a reasonably nice one followed by a flurry of vile cruel unbelievably disgusting hurtful things it took my breath away. Yes, I know it was a timely reminder but I am crushed and hurting beyond belief. All, be careful for what you wish for.

[SamwizeGamgee]

The flurry of bad behavior came at a time when you were doubting and looking for help, directions.  You got it.  Sort of negative validation?

[Sadly]

Yeah, honesty comes at a heavy price sometimes, his idea of honesty anyway. Am now physically sick and shaking to bits.

[bunny4523]

All
Just to put a bit of perspective onto the NC subject. Tomorrow is one full week for me and the last few days have been up and down, devastated, strong, sleepless, determined, you name the ups and downs I've had them. I started to wobble, aching to text, missing him so dreadfully. Then tonight, I received a flurry of texts from him. Started with a reasonably nice one followed by a flurry of vile cruel unbelievably disgusting hurtful things it took my breath away. Yes, I know it was a timely reminder but I am crushed and hurting beyond belief. All, be careful for what you wish for.

Sadly,

Don't let his words get into your head.  They are not the truth.  You can't buy into it or you will only do further damage to yourself.  Can you instead take your inner strength and remind yourself he is not well.  Nothing you did or do will change his ways. You are not responsible for his outbursts.  This is who he is and YOU don't want someone like this so close to your heart.  Can you try to find the strength to love yourself enough to protect yourself from him? Block him... .until you are strong enough not to wobble when he attacks.

I know it's hard... .I remember being on edge waiting for the next punch to strike.  Sweetheart, just step out of the ring... .atleast until your ready to fight back.

xoxo,
Bunny

[Sadly]

Am trying Bunny am trying. Am telling myself it's not the truth.  My head is screaming liar liar liar, I' m good I'm nice I'm loving. I think I'm going mad I hurt so much. I'm bad too, I wish he was bloody well dead. I'm not very nice at all.

[bunny4523]

Sadly,

You are not bad.  You can only be attacked for so long before atleast raise your arm to push them off you.  We are human.  I think everyone on this site can relate to doing or saying things out of character because of the constant pushing and attacking that BPD partners do. 

Visualize a filter or a mirror when these things happen.  Repell his mean comments, do not let them in.  You know who you are.  You do not care what he thinks about you.  Do not let him break you down and turn you into the person he is claiming you are.  Don't let him win.

You can tell a 90 lb 10th grader she is fat everyday and eventually she might believe she is fat. 

Do you have a support system, friends, therapist, family... .anyone who can remind you over and over again what a good and loving person you are?  You need to have people you know, love and trust with you right now.

Please keep writing until you are feeling better.

Bunny

[Sadly]

Thank you. I will try the mirror. I have the people here, they are my support, thank you for yours. Am so so tired, will sleep now.   love from Sadly. x

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone, been busy all day with my son and meeting with his occupational therapist and my therapist too.

Sorry to hear you're hurting Sadly, I do hope you find some peace. Will read the rest asap, getting us boys cleaned up for an Alanon meeting tonight.

Hope everyone is doing ok.