These reminders when I start to miss my ex.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

www.thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

Don't know about you, but ex pwBPD is 20 for 20 on this list. 

1. Gaslighting
2. Projection
3. Nonsensical conversations from hell
4. Blanket statement and generalizations
5. Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity
6. Nitpicking and moving the goal posts
7. Changing the subject to evade accountability
8. Covert and overt threats
9. Name calling
10. Destructive conditioning
11. Smear campaigns and stalking
12. Love bombing and devaluation
13. Preemptive defense
14. Triangulation
15. Bait and feign innocence
16. Boundary testing and ho overing
17. Aggressive jabs disguised as jokes
18. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone
19. Shaming
20. Control

[Wize]

www.thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

Don't know about you, but ex pwBPD is 20 for 20 on this list. 

1. Gaslighting
2. Projection
3. Nonsensical conversations from hell
4. Blanket statement and generalizations
5. Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity
6. Nitpicking and moving the goal posts
7. Changing the subject to evade accountability
8. Covert and overt threats
9. Name calling
10. Destructive conditioning
11. Smear campaigns and stalking
12. Love bombing and devaluation
13. Preemptive defense
14. Triangulation
15. Bait and feign innocence
16. Boundary testing and ho overing
17. Aggressive jabs disguised as jokes
18. Condescending sarcasm and patronizing tone
19. Shaming
20. Control

[woundedPhoenix]

All in all, you can just say that in one sentence:

She isn't healthy to be around.

She made it look differently in the beginning, but that was just an impressive self-marketing act, the product you bought is something completely different.

Your list is the small print at the very end in the contract we didn't read before signing.

[Larmoyant]

All of these except 'stalking'. He doesn't know where I live and it's going to stay that way.

[JerryRG]

That's a good list and my exgf is guilty of them all and yes very unhealthy to be around.

[hope2727]

All of the above, sigh.  How sad.

I hate that he lives like that. I hate that I let myself get treated like that.

I hate that I still love and miss him.

I hate that I give a darn.

[gotbushels]

16. Boundary testing and ho overing

I may confuse someone who is overly ho and testing my clothing's boundaries as someone that really wants me. If this person is attractive should I ignore the other 19 tactics?

[DreamerGirl]

Great list and I relate to it all sadly.

My new list :

Trustworthy
Respectville
Affectionate
Loving and Kind
Generous
Kind
Honest
Reliable
Sane
Responsible
Caring
Genuine
Interesting
Emotionally available

That's my short list, but I am trying 2 focus on this to keep me NC from him.  It's not easy but I keep focusing on how unhappy he is making me, I just hope I can keep strong and stay no contact with him.  The longer we go, the stronger I become...

[Sadly]

Hi Fr4nz

I actually just put DITTO but I don't know where it went ! Yes it is s good baseline isn't it, I just have to learn to live up to it somehow. I like the original post, something I need to keep reading to remind myself. x

[Rayban]

Another 20/20 perfect score for my BPDex. I could just hope that If I ever come across anyone who shows even 3 of these traits, that I'm able to recognize them and stay away. I also realize that in order for this to happen, I have to be in a better place, and work on some of my own issues. I kept in contact with her despite knowing how abusive, and mentally unstable she was.

 

[ICantFixHer]

The fact I even *think* about my BPD ex baffles me. I am working very hard to condition myself to remove the words "her" and "she" from my vocabulary for the time being so as to stay focused and in the moment. I refuse to let my psyche become a tool of hers, something to be played with.

When I first met the skunk in 2006, her little statement on her MySpace page said: "I like messing with people's minds."

Talk about a red flag.

Thanks for the list of absolutely unacceptable and, frankly, ridiculous behaviors I accepted from the skunk for 10 years. Never hurts to have a reminder.

All I know is I am never, ever going back. I see her this weekend to get the last of my belongings from our old house. After that it's a total disconnect. Any contact from her is seen for the truth: a way for her to manipulate herself back into my reality.

Never gonna happen.

[Wize]

Skunk: a cute little bigger that leaves an awful stink in their wake. Avoid at all costs.

My folks had a family of skunks set up a den beneath their house. After the pests were removed, all the floor joists and framing had to be replaced to get the stink out. Skunks are terrible.

[ICantFixHer]

I got hurt so, so bad; writing these words to music helped me a little.

The Skunks

Three or four o’clock is when the skunks come out
Three or four of them crunching like bones the cat food I set out
What did I set out to achieve
With the skunks

Three or four of us were talking about the skunks
One guy in particular didn’t really like them much
He said he got one and dumped her
At the turnout on California 18
Freed her from her trap
And maybe just perhaps gave her a fighting chance
To survive the wounds
And to make her move
But until the end dear lord
Don’t leave her abandoned

You can take away your cross
But the faith remains mine
I’m immune to the artifice
Of us over time
Us over time
Speaking of time

Three or forty days have passed since I’ve seen the skunks
I’m not even sure I really miss them all that much
But I’ll remember them
In a rainbow translucent bubble
And at my feet is the hard bare ground and the memory of the stripe upon her head
Grey hairs fading to red
Like the blood my poor heart bled
Lord she fouled me with her scent
And left me abandoned

You can take away your cross
But the faith remains mine
I’m immune to the artifice
Of you over time
And left you abandoned
Left me hanging out to dry my clothes
From the stench of your soul

[once removed]

Wize,

i notice this link (i read it) refers to "narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths" (not borderlines) and presents a pretty malicious narrative. you mentioned recently similar material from another site. its pretty inflammatory stuff in terms of fueling ones anger and hurt, and im wondering if its healthy or helpful reading stuff that tells you that your ex conned you; i know it can certainly feel that way.

why not pick two or three items from the list, how did they effect you and the relationship? at what point in the relationship did you notice them?

[rj47]

I kept the reminders close for a long time; recorded audio of her rage sessions.

A few seconds listening (out of hours long rants) would cause my stomach to churn with high anxiety setting my head right every time as my consciousness screamed What the heck!

I haven't listened in a long time. I've considered sharing with my SO. Better to leave it where it belongs and continue to cherish the freedom that real love without fear offers.   

 

[Wize]

Wize,

i notice this link (i read it) refers to "narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths" (not borderlines) and presents a pretty malicious narrative. you mentioned recently similar material from another site. its pretty inflammatory stuff in terms of fueling ones anger and hurt, and im wondering if its healthy or helpful reading stuff that tells you that your ex conned you; i know it can certainly feel that way.

why not pick two or three items from the list, how did they effect you and the relationship? at what point in the relationship did you notice them?

To be honest, I'm angry.  And I 100% believe my ex conned me.  Maybe her con game wasn't from the very start but I assure you, she's very cunning, deceitful and dishonest.  I don't believe a pwBPD has no conscience, so my ex knows the difference between right and wrong.  She just didn't care.  :)id I mention she's also a lawyer.  She's highly skilled in the fine art of twisting facts to her advantage.

I don't choose the articles I share based on how malicious they are.  I choose them based upon how the resonate with me.  And yeah, some of the articles that resonate with me  don't paint the prettiest picture of pwBPD.  I understand that BPD is a disorder and much of the behavior we see from our pwBPD are related to unconscious use of the ingrained defense mechanisms.  But I refuse to not hold my pwBPD accountable.  

Please understand, I'm not where you are in the healing/detachment process.  I'm still pretty raw.  And I'm not trying to incite anger among the members here at bpdfamily.  Not even close. But there's a pretty noticeable contrast between the emotional state of the members here and some of the mod team.  I appreciate you trying to direct my detachment process using knowledge and perspective you've gained from your own healing.  Maybe you never went through the anger process, maybe you had nothing to be angry about regarding your breakup, I don't know because it doesn't seem like you relate to my anger.    

[once removed]

Wize,

nothing inherently wrong with anger my friend, its one of the stages of grief. it can be used to get one over the hump of depression. sure i had an anger phase (a few of them), and more than my share to be angry about. we all do. you are right to hold her accountable, she is an adult, responsible for her actions, and even if she werent, your anger would be no less valid.

I don't choose the articles I share based on how malicious they are.  I choose them based upon how the resonate with me.

i think thats my point here Wize, people often do the same thing with their news, and that doesnt make it accurate. to be frank, the facts of the disorder, the facts of our relationships, from a clinical and accurate standpoint are more than enough to be angry about; theyll resonate, too.

your detachment is yours to direct. i would only encourage you away from junk psychology and lumping BPD in with other disorders; the internet abounds with urban legends, lumps disorders together, baits its readers with language that will resonate and inflame; its more insidious than "not painting a pretty picture". its a complicated area to navigate. i encourage you to explore this link: Which online resources are reputable and which are not?

as far as relating to your anger, it helps to inform and explore it as we feel it. so why not pick a few items from that list, and lets talk about it?