The Radical Acceptance Thread

[HurtinNW]

I've been reading on radical acceptance, on the link once removed shared:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

I need to move in this direction to help detach. So I thought I'd start a thread of things we need to radically accept. Radical acceptance isn't condoning or minimizing, but accepting the reality so we can deal with it.

Here's my current list. I'd love to hear others!

1) I cannot make my ex change.

2) My ex may never change. If he does it will not be because of me.

3) There is something wrong with my ex. It doesn't matter if it is NPD or BPD or something else. What matters he has a mental illness or problem that impacts him in many ways, including his ability to have a relationship.

4) I have my own issues. I am working on them.

5) My childhood was abusive and that cannot be changed.

6) What is lost is lost, what happened happened, but the future is up to me.

What are you working on radically accepting?

[rfriesen]

7) I need to give myself the understanding and acceptance I thought I had found with my ex.

Before my relationship with my ex, I had a few longterm relationships that I thought were healthy and ended on friendly terms. I thought of myself as someone with confidence and self-respect, grounded and happy in life. Then this relationship blew me away, I fell in love like I never had before, and felt destroyed when it fell apart. It made me think of all the relationships that I had ended for no good reason other than wanting something new. It made me really pay attention to the intense longing I had to recover the good times with my ex. It made me realise that for a long time I had used new relationships to put off examining why I loved starting new relationships rather than building on solid foundations in existing relationships. And I think I had an image in mind of true love being finally finding someone who completely "gets" you, who understands you at the deepest levels and loves all of you.

My ex gave that to me at first. At least that's what it felt like. But obviously it kicked off a terrible dynamic because I was relying on her for that deep sense of understanding and she was relying on me to stabilise her. It was hopeless in the end because I had never taken enough time to understanding my own longings and deepest needs and she was terrified both of abandonment and commitment. So ... .can't run from that any longer ... .

[HurtinNW]

rfriesen, you said that SO well. I had very much the same. I also was under the misguided understanding of myself as being more self-aware and confident than I was. This relationship stripped all that away and showed me the raw, vulnerable side of my own needs.

[rfriesen]

This relationship stripped all that away and showed me the raw, vulnerable side of my own needs.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel too. It has been very painful, very humbling, very disorienting. I do feel I've started to turn a corner now, almost four months out from my final break-up. I no longer waver in terms of knowing that I don't want to be back with my ex. I feel solid in that respect. But I still get hit in waves by any number of memories of the good times, the intense joys, or the bad times, the sense of betrayal, or the incredible longing that my ex drew out of me. The emotions are still there and in turmoil. But I really see now how much work I have to do in order to truly be at peace with wanting a stable, mature, confident, loving relationship. I can see how childish aspects of my relationship were with my ex, how we blew up the hurts and needs and desperate longing into unhealthy and insane proportions. I can see all that now and I can feel my own emotions and psychological make-up slowly - very, very slowly - coming around to the same conclusion ... .that what I've always envisioned as true love is actually a very childish picture. Or at least it needs to be filled in with much more mature elements of trust and commitment over the longterm.

Yet it's so hard to let go. I feel it really is like letting go of yourself, as the kid you grew up as, letting go of your childhood way of seeing the world. I'm in my late 30s, so really it's about time for me to have this shift, I suppose. It's just that it's hit me like a ton of bricks. The silver lining that I'm trying to take from it is that ... .some people grow old too fast, they mature and settle down before having taken their childhood hopes and visions to the breaking point. I suppose in that case you still have to deal with them ... .maybe you happen to be already married when you have to face this kind of experience. Or maybe you never do. I'm trying to be grateful for the fact that I'm dealing with this now and just want to take my time to observe this whole process ... .which sometimes makes me feel I'm aging a decade each month!

[SoMadSoSad]

I will never see nor hear from her again.

[Wize]

Radical Acceptance:

I accept that my stbx wife did not intentionally deceive me. 
I accept that her intentions in attaching to me were not malicious
I accept that she brought me into her 3 children's lives not to hurt them or me but because she did want us all to live together and love together.
I accept that my wife is mentally ill.
I accept that her illness destroyed our relationship as it has destroyed many relationships in her life.
I accept that, just like me, she did only what she knew how to do.
I accept that I love her and I miss her, but that doesn't mean our relationship was ever going to work.
I accept that she's gone
I accept that she has a new attachment
I accept that I'm a good man
I accept that I'm going to hurt for awhile
I accept that I'm worthy of love

[Ahoy]

I like rfriesen's post a lot. It's exactly what I came to realise. The waves of memories still come and try to knock you down but perhaps the biggest gut punch was how misinformed I was about how adult relationships actually work.

I think I rate emotional maturity higher than basic intelligence. I feel from everything I have learned from self-examination that I have finally 'grown up' into a fully rounded adult. Just at 30 years old, not 18 ... .

[rfriesen]

The waves of memories still come and try to knock you down but perhaps the biggest gut punch was how misinformed I was about how adult relationships actually work.

Yes, exactly. A much more succinct way of putting the point I was trying to express.

It's a brutal gut punch. And now I know I have to set aside the childish picture I was holding onto. It's just that it's one thing to recognise that, another thing to go about doing it. I feel it's a hard, delicate, slow process. But at least I feel ready for it now. And I don't feel rushed. Let it be slow, I know we'll get there.

[FallBack!Monster]

I've been reading on radical acceptance, on the link once removed shared:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0
Radical acceptance isn't condoning or minimizing, but accepting the reality so we can deal with it.

Here's my current list. I'd love to hear others!

1) I cannot make my ex change.

2) My ex may never change. If he does it will not be because of me.

3) There is something wrong with my ex. It doesn't matter if it is NPD or BPD or something else. What matters... .she has a mental illness that impacts her in many ways, including her ability to for healthy stable relationships.

4) I need to move in a healthier direction, to help detach.

5) I am a healthy adult with freedom to do what I want in life.

6) The past has already happened, but my future is up to me.

What are you working on radically accepting?

[Larmoyant]

I accept that my life, as it was, is now over. I accept that my dream career is gone, but all my hard work will not be for nothing. I can move in another direction. I have ideas and a plan. I acknowledge that I am scared to take the first step and I accept that I need to take it slow. Take care of me and one little step at a time. 

[HurtinNW]

I accept that my stbx wife did not intentionally deceive me.  
I accept that her intentions in attaching to me were not malicious
I accept that she brought me into her 3 children's lives not to hurt them or me but because she did want us all to live together and love together.
I accept that my wife is mentally ill.
I accept that her illness destroyed our relationship as it has destroyed many relationships in her life.
I accept that, just like me, she did only what she knew how to do.
I accept that I love her and I miss her, but that doesn't mean our relationship was ever going to work.
I accept that she's gone
I accept that she has a new attachment
I accept that I'm a good man
I accept that I'm going to hurt for awhile
I accept that I'm worthy of love

This is a beautiful list, Wize.

[drained1996]

I acknowledge that wise, is very WISE, and we are in the same place of acceptance.  And it's tough, to love someone so much, that comes up so short of being capable of giving us the love we deserve... .it's sad, and even more sad to know their life after us, will probably be worse... .because we actually care about them... .they will not find anyone as willing as we were to help and understand.

[drained1996]

I accept that my ex is mentally ill... .I think that is the most eye opening.  We cannot fix that... .

[Chicken Soup]

So glad I stumbled onto this thread at 1:30 in the morning. I felt an incredible sadness today about my undiagnosed wife.  I told myself it was time to move on.  Not sure where I'm going. 

[Ahoy]

So glad I stumbled onto this thread at 1:30 in the morning. I felt an incredible sadness today about my undiagnosed wife.  I told myself it was time to move on.  Not sure where I'm going.  

Look there is a lot of anger being vented on these forums (rightfully so) but I think most of us get to the stage of sadness, it's just such a waste of human potential really for something that was completely out of our pwBPD's hands (formation of the disorder).

I won't forgive the damage done by mine (yet) but I'm glad you making the decision to move on. You can beat your head against the wall forever OR you can take control of your life again and find new meaning and purpose.

Let the FOG clear, your identity and purpose will begin to take shape. Just don't rush it =)

[once removed]

radical acceptance sort of clicked for me when it occurred to me that there are things, situations, circumstances, that are simply "bigger" than me. things i am powerless over. there is something about that that i found very freeing.

[SWLSR]

This is one of the best threads I have ever read on here.  There are two big things to accept here.  One is there are some emotional wounds that will never complately heal.  I have a physical wound that never has so understand the concept.  The second is that whatever time I have left on this earth I have the chance for wonderful things to happen and wonderful people to meet.  If you belive in God put your faith in him if you don't put your faith in whatever it is to believe in but don't give up hope.

[Moselle]

Great post Hurtin,

- I accept that I cannot change or control any people, places or things,. (including my ex, who has a serious mental illness)
- I accept that I am responsible for my life, and no-one else is going to make me thrive. That's my job.
- I accept that I had an abusive childhood
- I accept that I am an adult now not a child, and its my choice to behave like a child or an adult
- I accept that my self esteem is not at a sustainable level, and that its my job to develop self compassion/love.
- I accept that I currently do not have all the tools I need to have a successful relationship, and that if I want that, I need to work on my co-dependent traits.

[seenr]

Moselle - wow, powerful statements there.

I like how honest you are.

[hashtag_loyal]

I radically accept that there are limits to the power of love, compassion, patience and prayer. Some people are just too far gone... .

I also radically accept that while some people with mental illness will eventually reach "bottom", and from there gain the realization needed to commit to change, others will purposely crash through deeper and ever more deeper levels of depravity intent on never reaching a bottom.

[hashtag_loyal]

Oh, and I also accept that knowing this will not prevent me from bettering myself and going on to enjoy a happy, healthy life of my own. Have a nice day!