Sucked in...again

[Throw me a bone]

People you can read my original post here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295089.0;all

At that time I was looking for advice as to my exBPDgf's repeated attempts at contacting while she was with my replacement. I had given up & went nc. But she sucked me back in.

I was receiving neutral messages, interspersed with "I'm a victim with my health messages", as always. I had broken up with the girl I was with so a bit weakened by exBPDgf's contact. So I caved and replied. Cut a long story short we agreed to be friends. However "as friends" she was being so flirtatious, wanting to meet (although never happened), sending me hot photos of her, asking why it ended with my girl etc. Initially I was just being indifferent and cool, taking ages to reply to messages, playing hard, etc. She was eating it up, trying to get me to engage with all her stuff. Then I couldn't handle the games anymore. I got angry at first, saying she is being like this with me while she is with my replacement. That it makes me think this is what she was doing with her ex when I was his replacement. She went in to victim good girl mode. Saying she just wanted to be friends but it's clear she couldn't be. I said i still love her and want to be with her. Of course I was faced with "my replacement is her soul mate" and the best thing since Jesus. I snapped and cut her off. I apologised a few days later, saying I just felt hurt by how our situation ended and being "friends" with her made me miss us. I got a few attempts at re-engagement afterwards but I sent her a "final" text saying I wished her all the best, implying I was done. She replied all the best to me too. And I haven't heard from her since. This was a week ago and this is running close to the longest period I haven't heard from her.

I suppose I am now looking for thoughts? What was going on before? Why was she trying to engage... .did she really want to be friends? If so why engage me in that way? I know they have no boundaries, but surely it was more than that? What can I expect now? I really just want her back with me. Will she recycle me after this guy?

Another thing to add. After the initial devaluation and discard and the blackening campaign that preceded our break up, she has never been angry with me since. Has always been nice to me, never acts out. She at times would see photos of my girl (who was hotter than her) and she'd compliment me. Everywhere I read they say BPD's go nuts when you move on. My exBPDgf is the opposite. She is happy for me (or so she makes out). Is this legit? Why is she always good to me? Even in the face of me being an ass with her?

[UnfadingLife]

I am in absolutely no position to give any advice being only 7 days out of a 17 year r/s with my BPDh.  I just want to ask you a question:  Why?  Just get out while you can. Consider yourself lucky, move on and move forward.  Don't be like me, having to drag kids out if there home to escape the madness. You're out! 
In my future, if I'm with someone that support groups are offered to a spouse for their emotional problems, I'm out!

[zonnebloem]

 

Proficiat you're OUT... .Sorry to hear about  the emotional stuff.

Take care!

[sas1729]

Hey,

In many ways you may want to run with this period of nc and use it to really focus on yourself. You may know from previous experience that the behaviour can be erratic, so there could be many reasons why the no contact has reached a new record. But you can use it to your advantage to distance yourself emotionally. In the end it may not be worth it to reconnect, so having the chance to move apart is helpful.

[True Grenadine]

I'm in it now... .Back and forth... .Nothing changes. Neither of us are dating though. I'm taking the nc time to self focus and be happy alone. Falling asleep is the only hard part... .

The rest has gotten easier through exercise, keeping time with friends, and hobbies. im a foodie and love to cook and explore new foods and ingredients... .I also work as a beverage developer so I'm still keeping my work and hobbies a bit aligned... .Aka find something you love and focus on how to get paid doing it... .You'll soon forget about the trivial stuff... .

Goodluck
TG

[pallavirajsinghani]

I think that it is important for us to define the term "friendship" for ourselves.  It took me a lifetime to define this term and my personal conclusion is that the purpose of friendship is to build good memories together.  It is a relationship of equality, of common courtesy, of common sense, of common decency... .and to reiterate, the purpose is to make good memories and to support and accept one another.  No one person in this relationship will jeopardise the other person's dignity nor shame the other person nor belittle nor have undue expectations.

Friends are not lovers, nor mutual psychologists, nor codependents, nor abuser-abused, nor enablers, nor parents of each other, nor whipping posts nor financial manipulators nor time and energy suckers... .

So, it would help you a great deal if you took time to define what this term means to you.  Then once you have the clarity, then you would be able to understand whether this entire relationship fits this definition or not.  This clarity will point you in the right direction.

Many times our intuition tells us what to do and what the reality is, we just do not know how to verbalize it or denial of reality may be too strong.  Detachment is a process, so is attachment... .it is not an exact mathematical formula... .a certain level of ambivalence is normal... .and beyond that, it is not.

We are here to help you, support you and be by your side... .let revelations come as they may and if they result in sadness and tears, we will be here to pick you up.

God bless.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Throw Me a Bone, What would you like to see happen?  I can't tell from your post.  LJ

[Circle]

Sorry to hear about the confusing actions on her part. I don't know, obviously; yet it sounds to me like she had painted you white again. Which may have manifested as a result of her current guy. Perhaps the chaotic reality of her current relationship made her unrealistically imagine better things with you. Unrealistically, because of course, they take the chaos with them, wherever they go.

My dxBPDso, would do the same thing: start to re-imagine the old relationships in a new light, when ours became volatile. She would even tell me her thoughts once in a while. "I just want to hold his hand and give him a kiss."

The way that they never really attach, is maddening, if you think about it.