What to think? She just showed

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 10:30 pm  We're all sitting around watching a movie and I was getting ready to go to bed. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. I was startled. We were not texpectin anyone. I asked who is it ? She said, me!  I slightly open the door then asked, what are you doing here? She asks, aren't you going to let me in?

She has a scared/nervous look, as well as a forced smile. I asked again why are you here? It's late. I let her in.  Everyone went into their bedrooms when she came in. We talked; about NOTHING.  What I got from her is that she wanted my new phone number and to know why I have deleted my social network accounts. Says, how am I suppose to contract you?

I could not think of a healthy reason why she wanted or needed my info. I quickly changed the topic. Began to ask her questions. That, made her uncomfortable. I knew it wld. Also, she said we should remain friends. I listened. Then I said, what type of friends, bed buddies? She said no. Was no longer interested in it with me.  Said we should try being friends first, this time around, and see what happens later. I saiid our definition of friendship is not the same.  That's not a good idea.

 I asked again, then why are you here and so late? No answer.  She had a very uncomfortable look in here face. Like trying to read my face or better yet, like she was losing control of a source and couldn't think of what to say next.

Then she just stood up and said, I'm going to let you get to bed, walk me to the door. I did. Then she asked for. Hug. I hesitated but then I did.

If you have read my previous posts,  you would know why this visit was strange. Yet, not unusual, according to the textbook case of classic pwBPD pattern of behavior. 

That was the very first time I realized my overall view of her had drastically shifted.

[FallBack!Monster]

 10:30 pm  We're all sitting around watching a movie and I was getting ready to go to bed. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. I was startled. We were not texpectin anyone. I asked who is it ? She said, me!  I slightly open the door then asked, what are you doing here? She asks, aren't you going to let me in?

She has a scared/nervous look, as well as a forced smile. I asked again why are you here? It's late. I let her in.  Everyone went into their bedrooms when she came in. We talked; about NOTHING.  What I got from her is that she wanted my new phone number and to know why I have deleted my social network accounts. Says, how am I suppose to contract you?

I could not think of a healthy reason why she wanted or needed my info. I quickly changed the topic. Began to ask her questions. That, made her uncomfortable. I knew it wld. Also, she said we should remain friends. I listened. Then I said, what type of friends, bed buddies? She said no. Was no longer interested in it with me.  Said we should try being friends first, this time around, and see what happens later. I saiid our definition of friendship is not the same.  That's not a good idea.

 I asked again, then why are you here and so late? No answer.  She had a very uncomfortable look in here face. Like trying to read my face or better yet, like she was losing control of a source and couldn't think of what to say next.

Then she just stood up and said, I'm going to let you get to bed, walk me to the door. I did. Then she asked for. Hug. I hesitated but then I did.

If you have read my previous posts,  you would know why this visit was strange. Yet, not unusual, according to the textbook case of classic pwBPD pattern of behavior. 

That was the very first time I realized my overall view of her had drastically shifted.

[heartandwhole]

Wow, FallBack!Monster, I wouldn't have expected that. You seem to have handled yourself well. How are you feeling about this recent event? How has your view shifted?

heartandwhole

[FallBack!Monster]

I could tell it was all a game to her. Her pasture, eyes, energy, were all signs

[gotbushels]

Said we should try being friends first, this time around, and see what happens later.

She seems to be trying to keep the door open.

I could not think of a healthy reason why she wanted or needed my info. I quickly changed the topic. Began to ask her questions. That, made her uncomfortable. I knew it wld. Also, she said we should remain friends. I listened. Then I said, what type of friends, bed buddies? She said no. Was no longer interested in it with me.  Said we should try being friends first, this time around, and see what happens later. I saiid our definition of friendship is not the same.  That's not a good idea.

If you have read my previous posts,  you would know why this visit was strange. Yet, not unusual, according to the textbook case of classic pwBPD pattern of behavior.  

That was the very first time I realized my overall view of her had drastically shifted.

I think you handled this very well. It seems you exercised a good deal of detachment. I would be proud of my behaviour if this was me. It seems like you either did a lot of work beforehand or you accessed some level of understanding, a clear mind, and acting in response to the behaviours you seem to expect. This seems a big deal and I want to cautiously hold it out as a well done for graceful behaviour.   Also, I just want to politely mention that she seems to command you around.

[Rayban]

Hi fallback.


That's inspirational.  I commend you on handling the interaction extremely well.  I also know what you mean when you begin to see them in a different light.  It has to be a positive step towards detachment.

[ICantFixHer]

Hi Fallback,

I am exceptionally delighted to read your post -- great work my friend. You did it, man. You're detaching and seeing things as they are, she is playing you like a game of hockey and she think's you're the puck. In fact you are Wayne Gretzky racing down the ice with a stick ready to take a slap-shot.

Great work, congrats. It gets easier from here now that you are able to recognize and respond to her manipulations.

Said we should try being friends first, this time around

Yep, my ex kept saying the same thing, pleading, "can we still be friends?" It's all an illusory ploy to keep us in contact. Realistically how can I possibly allow myself to be friends with someone who did so much to confuse, use and abuse me?

Never gonna happen, ever.

Men like us, we saw the truth and we got out. Don't ever let her do that to you again. Great work.

[FallBack!Monster]

Also, I just want to politely mention that she seems to command you around.

Command me around? I wouldn't put it that way. Children are demanding but they don't always get their way. Although if its not much of a bother to the adult, sometimes they do.

I wasn't against her visit.  I was against her intentions for visiting. I don't think she should have been treated badly just b/c that's how she treat others. Keep in mind, I am not the pwBPD.

I appreciate the comments, however, I know I still have a long road ahead of me.

[Indifferent28]

Fallback, you mentioned her eyes, energy as classic textbook BPD.
What exactly do you mean

[FallBack!Monster]

Fallback, you mentioned her eyes, energy as classic textbook BPD.
What exactly do you mean

FAKE

[Lilyroze]

FallbackMonster,

Command me around? I wouldn't put it that way. Children are demanding but they don't always get their way. Although if its not much of a bother to the adult, sometimes they do.

I wasn't against her visit.  I was against her intentions for visiting. I don't think she should have been treated badly just b/c that's how she treat others. Keep in mind, I am not the pwBPD.

I admire your attitude, and how you handled your situation with compassion and class. I have a Dear friend whose family is NPD, and currently getting silent treatment for misunderstanding. I love the person, value all they and we have done. I would hope to be friends again and would handle same way.  I don't throw away friendships, not have compassion or paint people black. Everyone needs a heart or ear. I never thought they were NPD or BPD but the silent treatments even when you reach out with apology and not your fault is concerning.

I can see she must have panicked on losing your kind friendship.

Now my ex to be is another story, I still will give compassion, LC, try to be understanding but the rages and abuse make it hard to be what you were above. I will try to be the better person, have compassion and be kind.

I just had to reach out and let you know I enjoyed your post.

How are you feeling about it today? It is quite interesting to see the eyes and energy as fake isn't it? Whilst you contemplate all this please be kind to yourself as well.

Have a fantastic day FallbackM, Carpe diem!

[FallBack!Monster]

How are you feeling about it today?

Today was a relaxed day. I didn't think about her much. I do miss her though, but I missed what I thought we were. I missed what I thought I meant to her; crazy and all.  The reality of the situation is what I'm having a hard time swallowing.

If we were spending time together, it was intimate.  Talks about our past, diets, who is who, watched t.v., dine out a lot, etc, those were special "to me."  Her future plans about us getting married and moving awayr, since she mentioned it at the very beginning, about 2 seconds after our very first phone conversation, I never really thought much of it. I always told her that it was a delusional thought.  Maybe wasn't nice to say, but it was me being honest.

Despite all the BPD readings and lessons, there's a lot I still question myself about.  However, I'm optimistic that soon i'll be trying hard to remember how I felt today.

Thank you for reading, replying with such kind words, and praying into my lonely child soul. 

[gotbushels]

Command me around? I wouldn't put it that way. Children are demanding but they don't always get their way. Although if its not much of a bother to the adult, sometimes they do.

I wasn't against her visit. I was against her intentions for visiting. I don't think she should have been treated badly just b/c that's how she treat others. Keep in mind, I am not the pwBPD.

I appreciate the comments, however, I know I still have a long road ahead of me.

Great post  Thank you 

I can't explain it but it seems like you've come a long way in this area too. You seem really well put together considering the breakup was recent. Probably more than meets the eye?

Enjoy your weekend 

[FallBack!Monster]

More then meets the eye? It has been a long time since I've heard anyone use that expression. What exactly do you mean by that?

The Break-Up per se, was not exactly recently. The relationship was lingering sense the end  of 2015.

[Lilyroze]

  FallbackMonster,

Thank you for reading, replying with such kind words, and praying into my lonely child soul.  grin

Thank you as well, as I said your post spoke to me. As for your thoughts the next day, totally understand that as well.

It was the intimate talks that meant the world to me Knowing me from my heart and soul. We could talk anything, that is what I miss in my friendship. I appreciate your honesty in your posts, even questioning things to understand better.

This is not the place for me any-more. I am hurting deeply being here, promised someone and Pastor in my life would leave here. Reason is I had someone in my life that made hidden accounts to "talk" to others, about me, and " help others". Really hurtful and found that one persons phrases and helping are reminding me of that. I felt so hurt to give my all, to be betrayed, and ignored for strangers on net, when I thought they were busy with other things. I don't want to sit and talk to myself on here... . and trigger. Which I have. I have been too vulnerable and put my heart to have my posts well sit and spin in space ... .I do appreciate all who helped me here or reached out, don't want anyone obligated but at same time no sense posting those things to myself... .hehe

 Which is OK, I am healing, healthy and fine. Others need help, maybe mine triggered or seemed complaining. I just shouldn't be posting for that any-more. I can get support elsewhere and truly need to be positive anyway. Life is precious and need to be happy. 

But I did appreciate your posts, and compassion, your questioning as it made me think of some things I needed to address in my life. Had to come back in to you and say thank you from one stranger to another you touched my child soul as well. ( Tears).

Had to laugh when you said haven't heard that phrase in awhile. Love old fashioned sayings and that was what the person was in my life, old fashioned to a point. We both were. Hope this makes sense.

 We all need a heart or ear at times and feel you did so much for your ex. Hope she can see that once daughter is away for while. Truly think that was a big part of your situation. The daughter was out of control and hard for her Mom to be healthy, heal or deal with relationships or life. Maybe in time you both will be back to a good healthy relationship. If not you will take your growth, learning and love to an even better one.

Again heal you, and do what you need to for you.

[gotbushels]

More then meets the eye? It has been a long time since I've heard anyone use that expression. What exactly do you mean by that?

Sure--nothing incriminating--I mean it in a strongly positive way.

That observation is based on how I've seen some people react to their exes after a breakup. Some react and respond with large amounts of continued enabling behaviour and anger. It seems to happen so often that taking time to adjust out of "caretakery" appears to be "normal" for nons. Some kinds of anger and past behaviours often need to be felt to be processed--that's normal. That's assuming we even get that far after looking into our own issues and responsibilities.

You seemed to me to behave in such a way that seems beyond so much of this "aftermath behaviour". Therefore I expect that you've done a lot of work to heal around issues from your relationship. That's what my eye doesn't see. I'm not familiar with all your work so I took a shortcut to praise your actions and unseen progression with that comment. That's the "more than meets the eye" on this thread.

This is exactly what I mean. Your progress is praiseworthy in my eyes.

 

[FallBack!Monster]

 FallbackMonster,

I am hurting deeply being here

I am sorry you are hurting.

promised someone and Pastor in my life would leave here.

  I would like to ask why do they believe is best for you to leave this forum but I guess everyone has their own personal reasons. Not everyone understands. However, I find it best to follow my own heart. 

Reason is I had someone in my life that made hidden accounts to "talk" to others, about me, and " help others".

  Helping others can be therapeutic and how did you find out they made hidden accounts to talk others about you?

Really hurtful and found that one persons phrases and helping are reminding me of that.

  I use to feel mocked when I read some of these post. As if someone was deliberately posting it to mock me. At first, it was hurtful and it  made matters worse for me.  I then decided to make sweet lemonade. In other words, I took it as a challenge. I cannot control how others think, however, i can control how I take it. I believe most individuals on boards like bpdfamily and here to express their feelings, emotion, and overall views. You don't have to take it as a personal attack.

I felt so hurt to give my all, to be betrayed, and ignored for strangers on net, when I thought they were busy with other things.

No sense posting those things to myself... .hehe

 

I don't want to sit and talk to myself on here... . and trigger.

  Prime example of mocking.  but there is something to be learned here... .DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL.

I can get support elsewhere and truly need to be positive anyway.

This is very true.  I do believe there is something positive being a member of this board.  Realistically, Not everyone on this board is here with same intentions.  Being here gives me and inside look.  Instead of standing on the sidelines with nothing but questions and judgments into the unknown.

From one stranger to another.

We are all strangers when we first meet. Who cares who you tell it to, and if they are really listening or caring, as long as you're getting out.  That's therapeutic.

We all need a heart or ear at times and feel you did so much for your ex.

I did a lot for my ex. And I would do the same for my next.  When we do a lot for our partner, do we do it for them, or for ourselves?  I often wonder.  I don't think my ex owes me b/c I did for her. It would have been nice if she could have understood my purpose for doing those things, but she was unable to understand. AND i needed to get over the fact that she was never going to be able to.

Hope she can see that once daughter is away for while.

It wasn't until recently that I understood why daughter had that type of impact or effect on moms (ex) personal life. That's when my healing began.

Do what you need to for you.[/quote]
Thanks to all my net strangers. I don't feel i'm talking to myself here.  Is more like, thank the lord i'm still able to love. It seems easy to put it into words, but the struggle proceeds inside my soul.

[Lilyroze]

  Fallback,

Wanted to respond to one more PM this evening, so saw yours and wanted to explain.

Didn't want to leave it on that note. Should have clarified a special person in my life had made hidden accounts ( I found out when they sent me when we were exchanging information for our business). Very deep and hurtful betrayal of trust, a bond, and a promise we had with each other. The excuse to help was not what it really was, won't get into but a true betrayal. Person did admit, but not real accountability blamed me then silent treatment. Long story and not important just hurt me, and let me see a side I needed to see.

Yes do agree kindness and compassion, and helping others is the way to go in life. That is different then what the person was really doing.  I guess I should have clarified the post or not said at all, didn't mean to add confusion or a misunderstanding.

Not anything to do with anyone here, just  hurtful and am going through a silent treatment due to it. So some things here have trigged that for me. I will be healthy, happy and just keep going. No sense crying over silent treatment any-more, or being trigged in any way that reminds me of that.

Yes like you I am grateful to the board and many here.  The posts, tools, book recommendation and many are helpful and wonderful. No would never take anything personally here, and didn't expect anything of anyone. Just well hoped for some insight on some things. Do appreciate those who took their precious time to reach out. Was just expressing my thanks to you as you touched my child soul as well.  Wanted to thank a few people personally.

I hope all works out for you in the best way, either with the understanding and growth for her to come back to a stronger bond, or you to heal, be happy and move onto something even better.

Carpe Diem and have a wonderful journey.

[FallBack!Monster]

Lilyroze,

Wishing you the best.   

[Lilyroze]

Lilyroze,

Wishing you the best.    

    to you as well my Dear. TY again for the posts that I enjoyed and resonated. I saw compassion in you and truly want you to find the one who values you for it. Her or otherwise.

Wanted to add in tears now, and does mean a lot you reaching out. Tears are for a good reason though, and help heal right? ... .

Peace be with you, get rest, heal and have fun. Life is truly precious.