I'm looking to connect with others in this area for lunch as a form of therapy and emotional support.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm looking to connect with others in this area for lunch as a form of therapy and emotional support. Maybe get a group together if possible. 

[NewTring]

I'm looking to connect with others in this area for lunch as a form of therapy and emotional support. Maybe get a group together if possible. 

[Turkish]

That's a high population  density area.  You may find a local support group by contacting your local NAMI chapter.  

https://www.nami.org

[MrsTrigger]

Hello,
I am very close to San Jose and have not had much success finding any formalized support group for Nons. I am 4 days into the silent treatment after my BPD-H packed all of his belonging and left. I am interested in connecting with other locals for support.

[zonnebloem]

 

Well, I live in Belgium!
I guess you'll find support in this community.

Also... .don't make BPD too much of a subject to talk about, unless this is why you gather.
People want" normal" talks,

I realise I don't get "normal" friendship because I am a child , obused by a BPD father and people don't want to know... .they want "normal" things in their life and set a border to my needs to talk about what conflicts me.

Good you ask for a supportgroup. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, his is why I answer you.
Good luck and look through this community for support-answers!

[fromheeltoheal]

I am very close to San Jose and have not had much success finding any formalized support group for Nons. I am 4 days into the silent treatment after my BPD-H packed all of his belonging and left. I am interested in connecting with other locals for support.

This is a formalized support group for nons, a very effective one.

Interesting too, San Jose is in Silicon Valley, where all the industrious techies have made sites like this readily accessible to everyone with a computer and an internet connection; it's a brand new world, where we can access a whole lot of support from home.

So MrsTrigger, what's on your mind regarding your ex right now?

[MrsTrigger]

One thing I really wanted to begin before my SO left was a weekly DBT group for families and friends. He began attending weekly meetings to learn DBT skills however I was not able to find one that focused on DBT for Nons. This site has been extremely helpful as I go through this experience however I believe attending a formalized group that teaches DBT would have benefited us both.

@fromheeltoheal To answer your question, my mind is spinning from the shock and disbelief of him leaving. Accepting that his Mom is protecting and enabling him as she has always done. Dealing with the silent treatment and flip flopping between anger and crying. Feeling compassion for him yet being angry at the same time. Not knowing where I should direct my emotions due to not knowing was it a false image all the time, part time. How much was a lie versus the truth. The pain of giving up hope. Dealing with the previous wounds that have never properly been dealt with. Trying to accept that the person I miss does not exist. Knowing what is reality and trying to get my heart to accept it. I feel like an elephant is still sitting on my chest since reading the article https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality. I've cried more since reading that article than I have the entire year long relationship which began and ended on the exact same day, just 1 year apart. This is the only article I've read so far that allowed me to gain a perspective of why I was so drawn to this bond. Why it was an 'incredibly "loaded" relationship.'  I'm still processing the part where it said that the relationship "filled an empty void deep inside [me]." I'm going to discuss that and many other aspects with my therapist. I feel lost but I know what I have to do. I have to stop the spinning. I have to find strength. I have to accept.

[NewTring]

I'm in the same spot.   Bouncing between anger and depression.  My exes family defended n thus enabled her too.  I got caught in being guilt tripped. Im looking for peace.

[zonnebloem]

 

Mrs Trigger,

We have more in Common then I first knew.
wondering how you cope?

good luck!

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi MrsTrigger-

Dealing with the silent treatment and flip flopping between anger and crying.
Feeling compassion for him yet being angry at the same time.
Not knowing where I should direct my emotions due to not knowing was it a false image all the time, part time.
How much was a lie versus the truth.
The pain of giving up hope.
Dealing with the previous wounds that have never properly been dealt with.
Trying to accept that the person I miss does not exist.
Knowing what is reality and trying to get my heart to accept it.

These are all common issues that virtually all of us here are or have struggled with.  You will resolve them, it gets a lot better, and you're in the right place, we understand.

I've cried more since reading that article than I have the entire year long relationship which began and ended on the exact same day, just 1 year apart. This is the only article I've read so far that allowed me to gain a perspective of why I was so drawn to this bond.

Yes, that's a great article, eye opening and calming at the same time, like you're not alone and people understand, yes?  And crying is what pain leaving feels like, you're already starting to heal, keep going!

I'm in the same spot.   Bouncing between anger and depression.  My exes family defended n thus enabled her too.  I got caught in being guilt tripped. Im looking for peace.

Have you read the article MrsTrigger is referring to Tring?  It's here https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality and there are many more too, plus we're here, and understand, so keep typing, and take care of you!

[MrsTrigger]

NewTring:
I know exactly the bouncing feeling. Trying to focus on yourself and sitting with your own fluctuating emotions are just a few small slices of the entire picture to sort through. Add in dealing with the exes family, any smear campaign issues, while trying to keep a strong front to protect yourself against the guilt trip seems to just add to the chaos we feel.  I find it particular hard to sit by and watch his family and few "friends" buy into his words, not look at his actions and then only judge based on my reaction to the situation. It's a no-win. It is what it is. I keep reminding myself of my favorite quote: "“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ― Viktor E. Frankl

Have you had any luck with finding local resources that focus on BPD?

zonnebloem:
What do you feel has been most helpful for your situation?

I cope by crying when I feel it coming. Remembering to breath when the elephant decides to apply more weight to my chest. Re-read relevant articles to help keep me grounded and the fantasy locked away.

I'm only one week into the discard last stage and his silent treatment, which has NEVER laster more than a few hours, is actually helping me stay grounded in reality and forcing me to, because I really don't want to, accept the situation for what it is. I am bitterly thankful that he is continuing the no contact. I realize I have a long journey in front of me after just reading my last two sentences.

fromheeltoheal:
Thank you for your comments which also helped me realize something. I find it most interesting how scripted and predictable the patterns are of the traits of a pwBPD and the the effects of being in a relationship. I feel it is truly a unique and very misunderstood disorder. To me, it seems that unless you're intimately involved with BOTH the pwBPD and his or her SO, some people just don't understand or realize what the pwBPD and the SO are going through. At that point, instead of everyone being fully aware, on the same page and able to support, I find that we are all fighting against each other and in various ways, enabling instead.

Are you aware of many relationship success stories that have overcome?

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you for your comments which also helped me realize something. I find it most interesting how scripted and predictable the patterns are of the traits of a pwBPD and the the effects of being in a relationship. I feel it is truly a unique and very misunderstood disorder. To me, it seems that unless you're intimately involved with BOTH the pwBPD and his or her SO, some people just don't understand or realize what the pwBPD and the SO are going through. At that point, instead of everyone being fully aware, on the same page and able to support, I find that we are all fighting against each other and in various ways, enabling instead.

Yes, talking to people who don't understand, even though they mean well, doesn't help, and sometimes even makes it worse.  That's the value of this site; we all do understand and have been there.  And of course there are therapists who understand cluster B disorders and narcissistic abuse.  Help is all over.

Are you aware of many relationship success stories that have overcome?

Not mine for sure, I left and never looked back, but there are many folks on the Saving and Improving boards here who are still in relationships with borderlines, and you might find good information and connection there too.

[NewTring]

That's a high population  density area.  You may find a local support group by contacting your local NAMI chapter.  

https://www.nami.org

Doesn't look like there's a group in the san jose area.

[zonnebloem]

 
Hello Mrs. Trigger!
What helps me most?

Now I feel peace with the "silent-retreat"... .at least none of us is begging nor insulting.
This community helps a lot.
One needs adults to talk to. my doctor said: That guy is nuts, go and enjoy drinking a beer! I even said: "May I ?"  so used to be controlled by the ex.

Because I didn't live with the BPD, I have some groups of people I can go to.
We share food, I live in a small town where you Always meet someone.
I go to new places to drink a coffee. I certainly avoid being home and getting bored.
I feel relaxed to go and talk whoever I want to, without my ex controling me nor forbidding me.
Guess I cried most of my tears after 5 months dating when he yelled at me.(of course it had to do with protecting his daughter)
Or 5 months ago when he said that "the relationship is over because his (4) kids are too jealous and it is too difficult, so he must save money and holiday to entertain his daughters"... .still I wasn't willing to let go of him for the good things we share.
 I call for peace and love in my heart (Jesus) and I feel far more happy with that. I came to a point where I'll hate to see him again.
I feel it's been enough and I realise that I must take care of myself because I am sick and tired of being so frustrated, begging for love.

So... .praying for peace and doing the things I like to do... .are so important.
And to be understood!
good luck!

[NewTring]

Mrs. trigger

Do you have family and friends close by?  At first I slept at my parents for a few weeks. 

My ex broke up with me like once every 5 weeks on average from a couple hours to a week.  She packed her stuff n left twice unbeknownst to me.  I was baffled as heck.  Felt like I was dating an emotional wreck.