What now?

[purekalm]

Hello,

Well, as some of you know I've been all over the boards here regarding my marriage and life trying to figure things out. Things are finally final with my husband and not only will he be moving out of state soon but he also finally admitted he doesn't want to be married to me. I didn't have to have that, because he showed it in everything he said or did. With my crazy FOO, him being my first and only relationship and everything in between, I didn't want to let go, I didn't want to fail. So, now that part is over and even before I've been thinking a lot about what to do for my life. My depression was pretty heavy before and these last couple years I've really been able to keep it at bay to think more clearly.

Growing up I only had the goal of graduating high school and getting a job because I was poor. I didn't know anything about scholarships and the like. Seven years ago before I met my stbxh I was working a job and taking care of myself and had just started thinking about the fact that I could do something other than grunt labor the rest of my life, and then it all changed pretty quickly and I'm a stay at home mother to my son with autism.

I desperately need something for me, and to be able to take care of my son myself regardless if my husband pays child support for him or not. I feel so stupid for writing this, but since I didn't grow up with average parents I have no idea how people even decide what it is they want to do, can do? I feel like without it I have no direction other than surviving from one day to the next and that just leaves me depressed. The only thing I'm working towards right now is to help my son become a good man who can be independent, and I feel selfish thinking about myself, but at the same time, I need something else to do for me that also helps me take care of him.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[heartandwhole]

Hi purekalm,

I want to say how much I admire you for writing this; for having the courage to express that you need something for you. In my opinion, the fact that you are so conscientiously raising a child is a wonderful gift to this world, especially with the challenges and triumphs that come with a special needs child. So, you are already contributing so much.

I also understand that you want to thrive and nourish yourself. This is not selfish at all, I think it's very important. I can relate to not knowing what you want to do; my life has taken many turns, most of which have been unexpected, and I've worked jobs that I never dreamed of or thought I would. So sometimes not knowing is a good thing because good surprises come our way. 

I would encourage you to follow your interests, even if they don't make sense as "work." There are probably things that you love to do, places you love to be, or skills/talents that you have that you don't even realize, but maybe your friends and family do, and have mentioned them to you. If you start doing things that you enjoy, you might find connections (esp. with other people) to some kind of work you can do, or study you can embark on. Or it may stay a hobby, which is fine, too. Meeting new people will help you get ideas and contacts, and even just paying attention to yourself and taking some time to do what you enjoy will open up avenues that you might not have thought of before

Your open attitude is a real plus. Don't be too much in a rush to figure it all out logically. Just keep following your urges to experience things that feel right and good and you will discover new things about yourself and opportunities will come.

I wish you wonderful things in this next chapter of your life, purekalm. You deserve goodness and joy.

heartandwhole

[motherhen]

I'm a stay at home mom to a child with autism as well with the same educational background. Having a BPD spouse and a special needs child is exhausting and consuming. If you are strong enough to survive what you already have, you can certainly do this. 

If you could do anything for a career, what would it be? What are the things you are passionate about? There are scholarships and grants for "displaced homemakers" to get higher education so they can provide for themselves and their children. Maybe check into those and see what your options are.

[purekalm]

heartandwhole, motherhen,

Thank you both for replying. =)

I've worked a few jobs before that I didn't necessarily like, but they were just jobs to support myself financially until I could figure out the work I wanted to do as a career. I never did figure that out.

To be honest, I don't have any friends. Even when I had a church to go to it was just acquaintances. I don't really trust anyone, but I'm working on that for my son more so than myself because I don't want him to grow up isolated as he's a very social little guy. =)

My brother tells me that I should become an author, and maybe it's his insistence that drives me from it, I don't know. I have things I like to do, passionate about a few things, but most would just be fun things to do, not work. I'm aware that whatever I choose I have to gain one or more new skills, I am just having such a difficult time deciding. I'm prone to put too much pressure on myself, so maybe I could relax a bit and think more evenly on it.

It's completely exhausting! Sometimes, both of them whining at the same time is enough to drive me mad.   

I wish I could answer that, because I really don't know. I've been thinking about it over and over, like, if there were no restraints, what would I choose to do? Then logic halts me and is like, with your restraints what can you do? It's a little dismal from there. I did go to college for one month a few years ago, but I had no help that was promised by my husband and my son wasn't sleeping through the night. Add to that the majority of the material was about social media connections (which I have zero interest in) and one month turned into a sleepless nightmare which forced me to quit. I don't even know how I managed to score well.

Thank you both for your encouragement and suggestions. I appreciate your time and thoughts. 

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Lilyroze]

  Purekalm,

I admire you reaching out, looking within and now seeing how you want to choose a goal for your new journey. With each new path in our life, situation or event there is a small but precious jewel we might not see it now, but eventually we will. ( Saying for myself as well).

One jewel I see for you is desire, the desire to want to do a goal for yourself while helping have a stable life for your son. Another jewel is your brothers belief in you, to succeed, be an author possibly or his love. Many don't have that so whether you want to do what he suggests, you can look at the big picture and see belief, and believe in your abilities as well. How beautiful.

What small desires or goals do you want to do right now? Are there some things you want to start that will bring you joy in the day, while you decide? Maybe make a list.

One gift the Universe is giving you in this is there are grants for single mom’s to go back to school, start a business venture, or get  job training. Maybe see if you can research some possiblites that resonate with you.

There are after school programs available for your son that might be fun, give him extra activities that will give you a chance if you have to work or school and can't be there right when school lets out.

There are some legitimate jobs you can do from home, if you want to go that route. Some might not pay all that much but might give you the ability to stay home with him, if you need be.

The world is a stage, now you can get on it and be what you want. What you desire. So take inventory of your skills, what you want to do, how you can make that dream come true.

I wish you peace and hope you can get some rest on your journey. Be well and remember self love, self respect all begin with self. So take some time for you.

Find some fun things you and your son can do as well, maybe some hikes, or activities that can be a memory later.

Don't give your power to FEAR ( False evidence appearing real). Meaning you won't be able to do it. Where there is a will there is a way.  Keep your power, breath through this and make your dreams come true for you and your son.

Keep posting, getting support here, heal and don't just survive, thrive.

Blessings