I think I made a terrible mistake

[sistersleep]

I have been involved (long distance) with my partner for a few months now, although we have known each other and been quite close for about a year and a half. In the last month or so, she has become increasingly cold and distant and no longer shows any affection whatsoever. The distance grows daily. I try my best to remind myself that it is not personal, but I'll be honest, I am sensitive and have been seriously struggling with this. I have been letting this go somewhat, mostly in the hopes that she would kind of re-regulate herself and start really communicating with me again. I have done my best to be patient and respectful and allow her her space.

Finally today she was icier than she ever has been, and I just gave into my own fears and anxieties. Well. I don't even know if that's the right way to word it. I'm learning now that I often choose my words poorly. I spoke to her earlier tonight and expressed to her that I feel this growing distance, and I asked her for her help in understanding this change (this, I realize, was probably foolish). I asked if anything in particular was bothering her. Her response was simply "I dunno. Nothing." So I tried to reword it a little and told her that I was feeling sad and confused over the increasing distance. I reinforced that I love and care for her a great deal and that she is very important to me and told her that if there was something that we can work through together, that I am more than happy to do so. I also said that I am more than happy to talk when she is ready. I never got any response whatsoever.

So now of course I'm left wondering if I went about this completely wrong. I just don't know. Obviously one of my fears is that she will shut me out completely. I really did feel that I had to express myself, but now I'm concerned that I chose the wrong approach. Sigh. I don't know if I just made a delicate situation worse. I don't know if I triggered her. I don't know if she's processing and taking time to cool down. I'm just feeling a little lost.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hlinthewiking]

Don't feel so bad, I know exactly how you are feeling. There is no right approach, it's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't. Maybe if you didn't say anything she would be upset you didn't notice or gave much importance she was being cold to you.

Truth is that a long distance relationship like this probably isn't sustainable with a BPD partner, it's already hard as it is without distance, I see my gf on Wed and weekends, I started seeing her on Wed specially because no matter how much attention you give her on the phone or on social media, it will never be enough and she will blame it on you, and she will be aware she likes you and will be afraid to be abandoned by you, so she becomes cold and tries to distance herself from you, but that's completely mood dependent. If she feels fine, she won't be cold, the problem becomes when she blames it all on you, she feels happy with friends but when she gets home and goes talk to you, she becomes sad because you are not around an that triggers her coldness. That's my theory.

[sistersleep]

You're most likely right that a long distance relationship is probably  not sustainable, but I just can't help but try. And I guess the physical distance makes it a lot easier to shut me out. I'm not there so there's no risk of us bumping into each other or anything like that should she choose to just vanish on me.

she feels happy with friends but when she gets home and goes talk to you, she becomes sad because you are not around an that triggers her coldness.

So now that I've kind of gone and put my foot in my mouth with her, what do I do? If she was creating emotional distance because she was feeling sad about the physical distance, then I feel like I probably did take the wrong approach. And now, she is definitely going out of her way to ignore me. Before she was cold and distant, and since I tried to talk about things with her, she has not spoken to me at all. But it's weird because the previous coldness and aloofness was stressing me out because I wasn't sure where it was stemming from. I didn't know if it was her losing interest or if it stemmed from that fear of abandonment. With this at least I know she's shutting me out because she's upset. I don't know if that makes sense.

So here's my question to you. How do you feel secure in your relationship with your girlfriend? Does she ever shut you out or give you the silent treatment? And if so, what do you do? How do you offer love and support and reassurance without overwhelming her?

Right now I am giving my partner space because I know I've upset her. I tried to have what could possibly have been an emotionally difficult conversation with her, and it pushed her over the edge. It obviously wasn't my goal, but it happened. So since she is now clearly shutting me out, I am just trying to give her space. I feel like continuing to try to contact her will just upset her more. I really don't know. What should I do? I don't want to overwhelm her but I also obviously don't want her to think that I'm abandoning her. It's hard to find that balance.

[sistersleep]

Sorry, I meant to add this before. I guess my issue is that I don't want to presume how she's feeling. I don't want to assume that she's distancing herself because she's afraid of being hurt down the road. I mean it seems like a likely culprit, but I can't know that it's true. The problem is she will not communicate to me how she's feeling. I guess that is the main source of my distress, because either way I am left guessing and I'm not sure how to navigate.

[Skip]

I have been letting this go somewhat, mostly in the hopes that she would kind of re-regulate herself and start really communicating with me again... .Finally... .I spoke to her earlier tonight and expressed to her that I feel this growing distance, and I asked her for her help in understanding this change... .Her response was simply "I dunno. Nothing.".

This looks like you handled it as well as you could. You gave her space. Then you asked. She didn't answer and you dropped it. Is that right?

Long distance complicates things because you don't know what is happening in her life day to day to influence all this and if she is shutting down, even more so.

In a few days you could shift this away from your needs and make it about hers - "I just want you to know that I'm here to help if you want to talk anything" - leave it at that.

How long has this been going on?

[sistersleep]

You gave her space. Then you asked. She didn't answer and you dropped it. Is that right?

Yeah, pretty much. I had asked her previously if anything was bothering her, and of course she said no and then I dropped it for a while again. I told her that I'm always here for her if she ever needs anything, but you know, she's not always the best communicator and I don't want to push her.

And yes, in a few days I can try letting her know that I am still here for her. Although to be honest, that is something I let her know very frequently and she doesn't take advantage of that very often. But I guess it's still good to let her know anyway.

I can actually pinpoint the day that all this seems to have started. At least to me that's what it seems like. June 9th (I don't know how I remember the date) I had to go to bed early because I had to get up early the next morning, and I guess the way I said good night wasn't affectionate enough and it triggered her. The next day she told me that she'd been up all night crying and thinking that I hated her and this and that. This actually led to a brief discussion about triggers and whatnot, and we talked through some things and I thought it was fine. She continued to be loving and affectionate for a brief time, but since then I really do feel that the closeness and the emotional intimacy that we shared really started to decline after that. But it has only been in the last few weeks or so that she has actually gotten cold and really started to shut down communication entirely.

[SoMadSoSad]

Is she hanging with new people or possibly gaining attention from someone else?

[sistersleep]

Umm, she's not really hanging with anyone new that I'm aware of. Obviously because of the distance,  I can't really know for sure. But as far as I know, not really. The thing is that she is mute, and because of this she has really bad social anxiety. So she is a bit of a recluse. I know she has a neighbor friend that she likes to spend time with. And there have been times when she has been upset with me that she has threatened to sleep with him. She has always maintained that she never actually has, and I trust her so I'm not too too worried about that, though of course it is something that pops into my mind from time to time.

We spend a lot of time online together. We game together online a lot, and we play with other people as well and that is where she makes most of her social connections. She attaches to people quite easily. Last summer she was valuing/devaluing me back and forth almost every other week until finally in the fall she shut me out completely for a few months. During that time I know I was quickly replaced by someone else so I'm aware that she is possibly doing the same thing now. Back then, however, we were strictly platonic friends. I thought at first that maybe now that love had openly entered the picture, that she might be less inclined to do that. Though now of course the more I learn about BPD, the more I realize that the concept of love and stronger attachments will most likely be the cause of more frequent and bigger upsets. I guess it's the learning how to navigate the push/pull, that is proving to be the biggest challenge - because I am really at a total loss on how to proceed.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

First of all you didn't do anything wrong.  Relationships are stressful and arguments will occur.  Seeing how one fights can tell you a lot about their character.  Do they take ANY responsibility for your relationship?  Are they someone who likes to call names?  Do they just shut down and ignore you? 

You had an emotional reaction to your significant other pulling away.  That isn't abnormal at all.  In fact that's what you should do when you're worried about the one you love. 

[sistersleep]

Do they take ANY responsibility for your relationship?

Yes, she does. Well she did more earlier on - the more she detaches now, the more I assume she feels she doesn't have to take any responsibility. That's just a guess anyway. I mean honestly, the communication is so poor right now that it's difficult to get more than one or two words out of her at a time. It's odd to me because she more often than not is the one to initiate contact, but when I try to engage her in any sort of conversation, she will not participate.

Are they someone who likes to call names?  Do they just shut down and ignore you?

She has never ever called me names or been verbally abusive like that with me at all. The only thing she ever does when she's upset is run away. But before we got together, when she would run away, she'd come back a little while later and we'd be able to talk things out. Then we got romantically involved and for a good while we never even had any disagreements about anything. Now it seems as though every little thing will upset her. And when she gets upset, she shuts down and ignores me. She's still as vibrant as ever with other people, but I am often treated as though I am invisible to her. I actually find that more difficult to be honest. If she was raging on me at least I'd have away to open some kind of dialogue with her. But this makes me feel so utterly helpless.

[prettyflowers]

I am in an eerily similar situation (and my partner seems to be dysregulated much like yours is right now). You must feel so lost and confused; I do. Over the past week, coldness turned to distance and distance turned to silence. I'm bracing myself for what I feel is to come: her returning home after being out of town for two weeks and breaking things off for the 6th-or-so time. Anyway, enough about me. This is just, I think, the in-person reality of the long distance relationship you seem to be describing. May I ask how much time you've spent together in person? I'm just curious because my current relationship was long-distance for two of the five months we've been together, and things have been much worse in person, unfortunately.

You sound like a very empathic and reasonable person. Props for how you approached her to address the distance--really. Reading and re-reading your description of how you reached out to her and opened the door for conversation, I can't identify even one word that was "wrong" or could be expected to push someone away or trigger their engulfment fears. Even with a perfect balance of communicating your experience in a non-threatening manner and giving your BPD partner space to breathe and process (which is exactly what you did), there's no way to anticipate how she will react or how her feelings will interfere with your words and distort them.

You're probably also dealing with a no-win scenario in which no matter what you said (or didn't say), it would have somehow been spun into the wrong thing or a reason to back away further in her mind. If you'd have said nothing at all and just assumed she wanted space, she'd have probably felt abandoned and, again, pulled away. A person can have superhuman relational skills, be the most supportive, understanding, and loving partner, or, in my case, be a trained doctor of psychology, but none of that is any match for the storm that is being in a relationship with a BPD partner. You have my sincerest empathy.

P.S. - Thank you so much for sharing. Your post is so relatable that it encouraged me to finally start interacting on this board.

[sistersleep]

Lost and confused hits the nail right on the head.

I'm bracing myself for what I feel is to come: her returning home after being out of town for two weeks and breaking things off for the 6th-or-so time.

Is this something you can feel coming every time? If I may ask, in the midst of these break ups, what do you do to keep yourself sane? And just out of curiosity, when you do get back together, who re-initiates contact? You must have a lot of love and a lot of patience to be able to withstand that sort of on again off again pattern in such a short period of time. I imagine it hasn't been very easy.

May I ask how much time you've spent together in person?

To be honest, we have spent very little time together in person. Her mind is consumed by a lot of fear. She is afraid of me seeing her having what she calls one of her "BPD episodes" in person - she is afraid of what I will think of her and what I will do. She is afraid of abandonment issues being triggered when I leave. She is afraid of hurting me, and in the process, hurting herself for hurting me. And I understand all these fears, so I really don't push it. She brings it up from time to time, but we talk about seeing each other way more than we actually do. A little while ago she told me that she hasn't been with anyone (either physically or romantically) in about five years, just because she knows how she gets. She's called herself a terror in past relationships. So I can see the fear invading her mind from every direction. In the same conversation, she also told me that I had made her feel things she's tried to push down and control for a long time. I will admit that made me feel pretty dang special. But at the same time, I have to wonder if it's that same loss of control that is also working to drive her away.

You sound like a very empathic and reasonable person. Props for how you approached her to address the distance

Well thank you very much, it's nice to hear something positive in all this. I try to be as empathetic and reasonable as possible, but there are definitely times when my own anxieties and feelings get the better of me. I am certainly not perfect, I make a lot of mistakes and get caught up in the emotions of things. Then of course I dwell for ages on what I could have done differently, which doesn't really help at all. Actually, what I've seen repeated over and over here in a number of different ways, is that we can't control the past and we can't control what anyone else does or how they feel. We can only control ourselves and work on the present. It seems like common sense, but at the same time I feel it does help to hear it.

You're probably also dealing with a no-win scenario

This is somewhat disheartening, though I do see what you're saying. But I mean, what do you do in that situation? It's precisely these damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don't scenarios that I find almost paralyzing for action. I'm often left feeling like an indecisive weenie because I spend so much time thinking about what the most appropriate course of action would be in different situations.

Thank you so much for sharing. Your post is so relatable that it encouraged me to finally start interacting on this board.

No really, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond.

[prettyflowers]

Is this something you can feel coming every time? If I may ask, in the midst of these break ups, what do you do to keep yourself sane? And just out of curiosity, when you do get back together, who re-initiates contact?

It hasn't been palpable every time, but my sense of how our communications "feel" coupled with behavioral and situational patterns has made it quite easy to predict since around the 3rd shut-down/break-off. I actually started using an iPhone app called Pacifica to track my own feelings and take note daily of what's going on in my relationship. This has helped me see the pattern. I now know that her dysregulation triggers are travel, change in sleep schedule, and over-committing herself socially and professionally. Knowing the pattern helps me de-personalize (a bit) and gives me objectivity (sometimes), but when it comes down to it, there's nothing I can do to intervene and stop the train wreck.

Keeping myself sane in the midst of the break-ups is damn near impossible. The first few times absolutely paralyzed me to the point that I was seeing BPD traits in myself. (Terrifying.) It's still a baseball bat to the heart every time it happens, but I've been able to identify very specific things that help, which I'll list.

• Yoga and the gym
• Meditation
• Setting small, attainable work and personal goals for myself and reaching them
• Keeping an ongoing list of things I enjoy doing that my partner wouldn't participate in anyway and doing those things
• Being honest with a handful of receptive and understanding family and friends about what is going on
• Being honest with myself about the limitations of the relationship and the reality of what it can and cannot be
• Deliberate thought-stopping when I catch myself taking responsibility for her feelings or actions

I'm in a unique situation in that my two closest friends are, like me, psychologists. Their support and understanding is hands-down the #1 thing that keeps me sane(ish). That said, I really recommend looking into therapy for yourself. You need ongoing validation and a safe place in which to process your own emotions and stay in touch with your own reality. BPD partners have a way of drawing us into their worlds to such an extent that we lose all sense of what is real or "normal," and that's a very isolating, disorienting place to be.

She typically initiates contact after a break-off. I feel that it makes things worse when I initiate it because she sees it as grasping and feels it as engulfment. Your situation sounds like it might be slightly different in that your partner's abandonment fears are more of an issue. Still, even given that hunch, there's no magic button approach that will reset her when she's dysregulated. I actually can't think of a better approach than what you already described having done.

To be honest, we have spent very little time together in person... .In the same conversation, she also told me that I had made her feel things she's tried to push down and control for a long time. I will admit that made me feel pretty dang special. But at the same time, I have to wonder if it's that same loss of control that is also working to drive her away.

You nailed it. That is exactly what is driving her away. In fact, the intensity of the closeness and feelings activated in the relationship is directly related to the intensity of her dysregulation. Given what you've conveyed about how you interact with her (with striking empathy, consideration, and mindfulness), my guess is that no one in her life has been so patient and willing to understand her. The horror of what I'm saying is that this means you might be the target of more "terror" (as she puts it) than perhaps she has ever inflicted on anyone. It actually gets worse with physical closeness because of the addictive nature of the neurochemicals that are released during sex, cuddling, eye contact, etc. in an already-tumultuous partnership.

It is intoxicating to be made to feel that special, and it can make the relationship irresistible. That dream connection, though, quickly becomes a nightmare with a BPD partner. The reality is that they can't handle the feelings that come with intimacy and connection, and when it turns out we can't handle those feelings for them, we're attacked, pushed away, or discarded. We can give in to their every wish, follow every rule in the PD survival playbook, demonstrate the patience of a saint, move mountains for them, etc., but it's fruitless because no one can quiet the storm that's raging inside them.

It is disheartening. All of it. Do some soul-searching in regard to how invested you are wiling to be and to what extent you're willing to let your own needs go unmet. In my case, I know there's very little hope for a healthy or happy future with her, but I'm unready to face the reality of the addiction and do what needs to be done to break the trauma bond.

[sistersleep]

Wow. I just want to say that I am so glad you chose to respond to my post. Your responses have been detailed and thoughtful, and in an odd sort of way, rather uplifting.

It hasn't been palpable every time, but my sense of how our communications "feel" coupled with behavioral and situational patterns has made it quite easy to predict since around the 3rd shut-down/break-off. I actually started using an iPhone app called Pacifica to track my own feelings and take note daily of what's going on in my relationship.

I definitely get what you mean about how your communications "feel." I have tried to explain the same sort of thing to my friends, and even gone so far as to show them snippets of conversations, and they don't see it. But there's that sense of foreboding, that subtle shift in the way you interact that you can tell that the storm is coming. It sounds like that app has been a great help though - even just being able to recognize patterns and to remind yourself how you felt during previous times of dysregulation must be helpful. Being able to de-personalize and stay objective are (at least for me) probably the most difficult things to do, so if that app helps you, then I think that is fantastic. I actually have my phone open right now and am going to get it and see how it works.

The first few times absolutely paralyzed me to the point that I was seeing BPD traits in myself. (Terrifying.)

This is almost exactly how I have been feeling lately. I've been questioning myself and second guessing myself and wondering why I'm so attached, why I can't let go, why I get so upset. If I send a text or leave a message for a friend and they don't get back to me for a few days, it doesn't bother me a bit (unless it's something very important then I do get a little irritated, but only mildly). But when my partner doesn't respond, it is a source of great distress because it is a very distinct shift in her behavior pattern and is almost always a sure sign of an impending shut-down. Then of course when she actually does shut down, that causes all kinds of other emotional distress. And you're absolutely right, it is terrifying.

I'm in a unique situation in that my two closest friends are, like me, psychologists ... .I really recommend looking into therapy for yourself.

I feel like you are very lucky to have such a strong support system - I couldn't imagine anything worse than feeling like you are alone in all this. I have also been fortunate that my best friend has shown incredible patience and understanding. In fact, we had not really seen much of each other for some time, and since I have been having issues with my partner, she has really been reaching out and trying to spend time together. She doesn't say it, but I think she just doesn't want me to be alone. As for therapy, I actually had my first appointment with a therapist on Monday. It was great. It just felt so good to be able to let everything out and to hear an objective person say "you're not crazy for feeling this way."

I feel that it makes things worse when I initiate it because she sees it as grasping and feels it as engulfment. Your situation sounds like it might be slightly different in that your partner's abandonment fears are more of an issue.

Are fears of engulfment and fears of abandonment exclusive to one another? Or is it just that one is more prevalent than the other? I always just kind of thought that they went hand in hand and that either of those fears would be triggered if you pushed too hard either way.

... .my guess is that no one in her life has been so patient and willing to understand her ... .It actually gets worse with physical closeness because of the addictive nature of the neurochemicals that are released during sex, cuddling, eye contact, etc. in an already-tumultuous partnership.

It saddens me to consider the fact that people wouldn't have been patient and understanding with her in the past. There have been times when she has felt particularly communicative and described some of her past relationships to me and most of the time she says they have broken down because she is too clingy and too needy and goes to great lengths to prevent any kind of abandonment whether it is real or perceived (I won't invade her privacy by sharing her personal experiences, but some of the things she described were astonishing). In terms of physical contact, I'm guessing that is part of what you are going through now? You had mentioned before that part of your relationship was long-distance and that things have been much worse in person.

Do some soul-searching in regard to how invested you are wiling to be and to what extent you're willing to let your own needs go unmet. In my case, I know there's very little hope for a healthy or happy future with her, but I'm unready to face the reality of the addiction and do what needs to be done to break the trauma bond.

The one thing that I really want from her is communication. And I know she is capable of it, because she was so open and willing to talk about things before. But the more she is consumed by her fears, the more she shuts herself off and the more unwilling she becomes to communicate. It has been frustrating, but you have given me so many reminders about her internal struggle and so much to think about when considering the "why" of these breakdowns. As to how invested I am willing to be and how willing I am to let my own needs go unmet - I really don't know. It's not in my nature to give up on the people I love, but I don't know how long I can live with my stress meter in the red and maintain my sanity. From what you've said, I feel like you are probably much the same way. It also seems like you're pretty good at examining yourself and your own feelings, maybe because you're a psychologist I don't know, but it seems like that has been a big help in maintaining your sense of self.

[sistersleep]

Quick Update: I just got a text from her with an embarrassed face. I asked why the face and she said for not being around much and for being distant. I asked her if something was going on and told her that she could talk to me about anything. No response, but then she skyped me. So I asked her if she had something on her mind and she just said "no... ." I guess there's really not much else I can do at this point. She just wants to watch a movie together and ignore everything else. I feel awkward and weird. I am glad she acknowledged the fact that she had been distant, but I am frustrated because she won't elaborate on anything and watching a movie pretty much ensures the fact that we won't have to actually talk.

[prettyflowers]

I just got a text from her with an embarrassed face. I asked why the face and she said for not being around much and for being distant.

That's kind of huge for someone with the symptom presentation you're describing. I know how frustrating it is for you that her acknowledgment didn't lead to a more meaningful conversation or really any clarity for you. Sometimes they come back around and test the waters of closeness but wading is as far as they can go. Maybe instead of encouraging her to open up more (which to her will feel like pushing), you could reinforce the baby step she took. Tell her how relieving it felt to you when she acknowledged the distance. You can go so far as to tell her that it really means a lot to you when she shares what's going on inside. (The emoji and two-word acknowledgment doesn't seem like a whole hell of a lot of sharing to us, but it was probably really hard for her.) You could try validating her feelings of embarrassment and uncertainty and also commending her for finding the courage to reach out and bridge the distance.

Yes, this is a lot of work, and it never really ends. Unfortunately, the desperation and uncertainty about where we stand and what's going on with them and with the relationship doesn't end either. I'm so glad to hear you started therapy and that you already seem to be getting something out of it. It is so important and will help you process your own experience, make at least some decisions with your wellbeing in mind, and put you in check when you take on too much. Most importantly, if it turns out you can't or don't want to continue this for any reason, please know that leaving an unworkable relationship is not giving up. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and for the other person is to detach with love. I've learned from very difficult previous experiences with PD family and friends that sometimes our best intentions can actually make another person worse.

Are fears of engulfment and fears of abandonment exclusive to one another? Or is it just that one is more prevalent than the other? I always just kind of thought that they went hand in hand and that either of those fears would be triggered if you pushed too hard either way.

You're exactly right. I feel that sometimes one of the two core fears is more pronounced in an individual with BPD. Regardless of that, both fears are there, are very real, and can be triggered by the slightest push (or, more accurately, perceived push) in either direction.

In terms of physical contact, I'm guessing that is part of what you are going through now? You had mentioned before that part of your relationship was long-distance and that things have been much worse in person.

It is. We're going on four months now of living in the same city, and I have to fight like hell to disallow the physical effects of the push/pull dynamic from sucking the life out of me. But it is. When I pay close enough attention, it's clear that it is.

[sistersleep]

I know how frustrating it is for you that her acknowledgment didn't lead to a more meaningful conversation or really any clarity for you ... .  You could try validating her feelings of embarrassment and uncertainty and also commending her for finding the courage to reach out and bridge the distance.

It is so unbelievably frustrating. I actually went to bed quite angry last night. After she put a halt on talking things out, we had some really stiff small talk, then she went to take a shower and by the time she came back it was almost 4:30 in the morning and I just couldn't stay up that late. I imagine this was also frustrating for her because she is three hours behind me and she is used to me being able to stay up really late with her. Something similar to this is what originally triggered her, so last night when I was letting her go, I told her I was very happy to have heard from her and that I missed her but that I had to get up early for work. I told her I'd have my phone with me if she wanted to chitty chat or anything for a few minutes. She just said "k night." I assume she was upset that she took the time to reach out and I could only stay up with her for an hour and a half, but it still ticked me off. It was like "here, let me clean your wounds so it's more painful when I pour vinegar and lemon juice all over them." I didn't express my anger. I just said good night and went up to bed. I understand that it was probably very difficult for her to reach out, and believe me, I am very happy that she did. But in that moment I just felt shat upon.

And you're right, I probably should have tried a little more actively to try and validate her feelings of embarrassment and uncertainty. I don't know if it's too late now that that conversation is over. I guess we will see what happens later tonight.

Can I just share something? I feel like the more I have read and learned about BPD, the more I have been trying to control and filter my actions and emotions. Two major events that happened that led to our relationship were developing were 1) We were working on something and she was throwing a fit saying that she didn't need to be there and that sort of thing. So I snapped and told her that if she didn't want to be there she could just effing leave. 2) One night she was upset with me for going to bed early (this seems to be a major trigger) and she told me that she was considering sleeping with her neighbor friend. I told her I had to admit that I would be jealous. Both of these events led to major important conversations. I'm not saying that it's healthy to respond positively to anger. But she had told me in the past that she felt submissive to me. As I've been trying to control my temper and filter myself, I wonder if that makes me come across as more passive and therefore not someone she can feel submissive to and in turn someone who is not an ideal or even desirable partner. That's just something that crossed my mind.

I have to fight like hell to disallow the physical effects of the push/pull dynamic from sucking the life out of me. But it is. When I pay close enough attention, it's clear that it is.

What kind of physical effects are you feeling? Stress, tense muscles, headaches, feeling sick to your stomach? All that can be very draining. Well let's be real. It is very draining. And those periods of mental and physical rejuvenation are often so few and far between that you never fully recharge. It's exhausting. But something keeps us (not just you and me but a large number of people on this forum) coming back. Is it the addiction? The hope that one day everything will be perfect? The memory of those first few weeks when we were put on a pedestal and we felt like we were on top of the world? I think it's more than that. We fall in love with whom we fall in love and there's much more to a borderline than their personality disorder. We fall in love with every part of them, the good and the bad. We do what we can to weather the storm with them in the hopes that the clouds will part and we'll see sunny skies again. Unfortunately sometimes we end up taking on too much water and it can feel like we're drowning. I guess we have to be able to not only examine the limitations of what we're willing to take on, but decide what we need to do for ourselves in order to maintain balance. (I wanted to write more but I'm getting kicked out of my office haha).

[prettyflowers]

First of all, you are exceptionally insightful. I'm getting the sense that you see exactly what's happening and are feeling some combination of powerless to stop it and backed into a corner out of guilt, obligation, and what you see as loyalty. I think every reason you suggested in regard to why so many of us stay is true and valid. Also, yes, I experience all of the physical effects you listed. I didn't at first, which I attribute to a kind of mania that comes along with the honeymoon/lovebombing phase of a BPD relationship. That false sense of aliveness propelled me through my days and helped me barrel right through the red flags.

What goes up must come down, and feeling that way just isn't sustainable. I had to return to work in lieu of constant spontaneous adventure, your sleep schedule had to return to baseline, etc. When we can't keep up with their strange habits and demands, they experience it as abandonment. Demands and behaviors that interfere with our own biologically legitimate needs are not okay, and that's where we have to stop looking to ourselves about how to turn the impossible puzzle piece to accommodate them and, instead, set our own boundaries.

And you're right, I probably should have tried a little more actively to try and validate her feelings of embarrassment and uncertainty.

Goodness, no! You must give yourself a break and miles and miles of room for error in how you handle your interactions and reactions in this relationship. I wish I had not implied that you "should" validate the baby steps. You absolutely have a right to your own feelings, needs, and points of view in your dealings with her. No one is obligated to manage their interactions with someone so carefully. In fact, you're already doing so to an extent that should never be expected of anyone in any relationship.

Many non-BPD partners are unwilling or unready to leave or are committed to working on it and are looking for constructive ways to manage day-to-day interactions instead of being told to leave the relationship. You could use the validation and kid-glove-handling suggestions to help her regulate; you should take care of your wonderful self instead of making her feelings the priority. She, in turn, needs to be making at least some sort of effort to learn to self-regulate and self-soothe. No one can do that for her. 

[sistersleep]

I'm getting the sense that you see exactly what's happening and are feeling some combination of powerless to stop it and backed into a corner out of guilt, obligation, and what you see as loyalty.

I'm not even entirely sure what I feel. In difficult situations, if I allow myself the time to calm down and take a step back, I am sometimes able to analyze and interpret what's happening. But a lot of the time I can't. I have a lot of my own attachment issues and fears of rejection, and I often can't help but have emotional knee-jerk reactions. And then of course I feel guilty about it and tend to dwell on how I reacted and what I could have done differently. Obviously it is fruitless to do this, because what's done is already done, but I still dwell nevertheless. So in that sense, yes I guess I do feel a certain amount of guilt when it comes to my partner - not guilty about the prospect of leaving her. She doesn't make me feel guilt. I make myself feel guilt. I feel guilty for feeling powerless, I feel guilty when I know I've done something to upset her, when I have to say no, when I have other obligations that eat into time that we usually spend together. But that's guilt that I put on myself, she doesn't have to put that on me for me to feel that. Those are my own issues that I should, and am trying to deal with. She has never been accusatory or verbally abusive in any way really. All she ever does is shut down and run away. And I mean that's enough as it is. I'm not sure if obligation and loyalty are necessarily the words I would choose - definitely there is a certain amount of both involved, but I'm not sure. I'm emotionally attached. We've always had a good connection, laughing together a lot, learning from each other, helping each other achieve goals that we didn't think were possible (sounds corny probably). I guess part of me falls into that category of person that just wants things to go back to the way they were. At the same time, I just want to see her as happy and healthy as she can possibly be. I know I can't fix her. I know I can't cure her no matter how much I love and support I give her. But if anything, I would like for her to see me as something positive in her life rather than a source of fear or something she has to run away from. And that is a major part of what makes me feel helpless because I know there is very, very little I can do about that.

I had to return to work in lieu of constant spontaneous adventure, your sleep schedule had to return to baseline, etc.

Did you find that to be a kind of shock to your system when you had to go back to "real life"? When we start out in these relationships, it's easy to throw caution to the wind and jump straight into their world, accommodating their demands and their habits. But when we snap back to our own realities and go back to our every day lives, they're still trapped in their world. So I can see how they experience that as abandonment - we're able to somewhat successfully navigate between both worlds, but they are always trapped in their own heads. So when we go back to our lives, in an odd sense, we are kind of leaving them. Not intentionally, not in our hearts; I imagine that when there is a shift in the routines that we create with them, they feel it almost as a physical departure. If that makes sense.

I wish I had not implied that you "should" validate the baby steps.

No no I'm sorry. That was a suggestion that I took to heart and dwelled upon and realized would probably have been a good thing to do. I am always looking for positive and constructive ways of dealing with difficult situations. And everything says that validation builds trust. It annoyed me that I didn't even stop to think about it.

Many non-BPD partners are unwilling or unready to leave or are committed to working on it and are looking for constructive ways to manage day-to-day interactions instead of being told to leave the relationship ... .you should take care of your wonderful self instead of making her feelings the priority.

Do your friends and family tell you to leave your relationship? That no person is worth losing your sense of self? It is something that I have heard a lot - mostly because the people closest to me see the anxiety and distress that it causes me, even when I think I am playing it cool. And about not making her feelings a priority, it's funny you should bring that up because I was just having a discussion about this earlier tonight. A lot of what I have read and been told puts the onus on the non to be this sort of stoic caregiver - no matter how strong someone is, that role seems almost unsustainable without the proper support from friends, family and even the borderline partner. At the same time, I feel like a lot of blame gets placed on the disorder and it is frequently used as a scapegoat. There are two people in every relationship, and yes both parties need to do their part if they truly want things to work. I think for me what would really push me over the edge and make me want to walk away would be if she never put in the effort. Because to me that would really show that she doesn't care at all, that she has no inclination to want to make things better, and that would hurt. That would tear down my sense of self worth, and I could not just accept that. I cannot place my value or my worth in the hands of another. And I guess there really is no point in trying to make something work if your partner won't do their part, because no matter how hard you try, you will always come up short.

[Hlinthewiking]

So here's my question to you. How do you feel secure in your relationship with your girlfriend? Does she ever shut you out or give you the silent treatment? And if so, what do you do? How do you offer love and support and reassurance without overwhelming her?

Right now I am giving my partner space because I know I've upset her. I tried to have what could possibly have been an emotionally difficult conversation with her, and it pushed her over the edge. It obviously wasn't my goal, but it happened. So since she is now clearly shutting me out, I am just trying to give her space. I feel like continuing to try to contact her will just upset her more. I really don't know. What should I do? I don't want to overwhelm her but I also obviously don't want her to think that I'm abandoning her. It's hard to find that balance.

Sorry about the delay, I'm new to the boards. Let me answer your questions the best way I can.

I don't feel secure and I have never felt secure in this relationship before. Every week I wonder if it will be the last and I always did for over a year. Does she ever shut me out or give me the ST? Every week? A couple times a week? Oh yes, but never for as long as it's happening to you, because I fear loosing her, I always reach out and sometimes talk to her for hours no matter how much she mistreats me or ignores me and she eventually stops doing it and we are "fine" again.

How to offer love and support, not sure what you meant with overwhelming her, my girlfriend is so needy there is never too much, only too little, if she doesn't feel like it, which is rare, she will just not give me that much attention. I guess for me the best way to put it is how to offer her love and support without overwhelming myself and caring for myself.

I don't know what you should do, I don't even know what I should do about my own girlfriend >.<. If you want to maintain an unhealthy relationship where you are basically invisible and not a human being, I guess I got all answers sure. My girlfriend loves when I chase her and go down my knees. Not sure if I'm right, but I personally fear that if I don't show her she's wrong feeling that I don't love her and that I do care for her, she will just push me out completely in order to live on without me or simply replace me.

Sorry again for the delay, I hope it helps, I just definitely don't have the right answers, otherwise I wouldn't be here, check my topic" Loosing myself: indecisive "  for reference.