Relationship over, messed up social life and still in doubt

[anonymous1234]

Okay, this will be quite a long story, if you read it all the way: much appreciated. If not, it doesn’t matter, this is as much as setting my mind straight as it is seeking help or recognition. I hope you don’t mind the English, I’m not a native English writer. Also, I’m probably forgetting 99% of the little details...

A year and a half ago I met a girl, after ~15 first dates after being alone for four years, this was the first one I really hit it off with. She was funny, pretty, intelligent, had a good sense of humor and in the end we seemed to like each other a lot. It was clear to me from the beginning she had some physical problems (dystonia) and she told me she was diagnosed with PTSD. At first I didn’t really notice a lot of strange things. She had some other issues as well, she was still in a divorce, had some financial troubles because of it and needed help to get the proper treatments. I helped her a lot.

After a few months we decided to live together, but when I look back at it she always kept some distance, while getting very close to me at the same time. Ninety percent of her clothes remained with her parents (with a plausible excuse, kind of)  and stayed there until the end. We bought new stuff for the house, remodeled the garden, etc. I tried to give her a welcome and warm home.

The periods that we good were really really good, but every two-three months after the first six months in the relationship there would be a crisis. The first time we had a real argument, I told her I was done with it and went upstairs to let things settle down a bit, only to find a note saying she had left for her parents and I didn’t hear from her in four days. Distressed by the situation I tried to contact her, when she finally responded after four days it was all my fault and she was very aggressive in her language. This was a common pattern, if something was wrong it was rarely her fault, most of the time it was me.

She was attracted to drama and situations that provoked drama. She would dramatize a lot of stuff, like her dad who had open heart surgery (which is a significant operation), saying he was almost dead, while everything went according to plan and he was never near death at all.

In February she went to a friend of mine to talk about our relationship and me, because I knew the guy for 20+ years. I didn’t see any harm, we had a tough period and I could understand her wish to understand me better. Little did I know this was the beginning of the end.

My former friend, which my psychologist branded a suspect for narcissism, was sensitive to her attention after ~30 years being single. In return he gave her a lot of attention. After that evening they both accused each other of making avances. After a week or so, she expressed the desire to speak with him again to straighten things out, because he was my friend and she would have been forced to see him again, so reluctantly I agreed. When I called her that evening he had taken her to quite an expensive restaurant, she claimed she didn’t know about beforehand and it was quite dull, she would probably come home around 22:00. After I couldn’t contact her at 23:30 I was worried and started searching for her, two weeks earlier she fainted and wound up in the ER and it was -5 degrees outside... .I found them at 01:30 still in a restaurant where she told me she was forced to wait for her usual taxi (just an excuse). She accused me of being suspicious and controlling.

In the following weeks he tried to sabotage the relationship, she would twist facts and interpretations of messages from him completely saying it wasn’t true, he understood perfectly she was in a relationship with me (while the messages clearly stated otherwise), even went to Antwerp (lying she was needed at a friend who was in distress) with him and only told me a day after (and thought she was honest because she told me) with the explanation she wanted to confront him about being such an ass of a friend. Apparently she told him that the relationship ended, while she still lived with me. After all this it went quiet for a while after I told him to leave us alone.

Long story short, at mother’s day I was at my parents with her (she bought the presents, made the appointment, was being sweet towards me, etc) when he came in asking her what she was doing there. She had been dating him again for a month (1 time a week or something) and slept with him a couple of days before. At first she was quiet, when I confronted her she tried to deny it, but his stories and mine didn’t match off course. When she noticed I wasn’t having it, she told me to my face I didn’t have a relationship with her and to him “You know how he is”. I ended the relationship then and there and forced her to leave the house in the hours after that.

In the weeks leading up to that Sunday she was with me 90 percent of the time and, asked for a living agreement, bought more stuff for our house, bought me nice presents, we bought lingerie etc. To the best of my knowledge this was an affair, while she was apparently seeing him on and off she made an effort to complete our furniture and even brought in her stuff from the old house that was finally sold.

That Sunday my “friend” told me to my face he didn’t know that she was still with me (which was kind of true, but still, even the ex of one of your best friends is off limits in my opinion) and he regretted the whole thing. He even admitted sabotaging the relationship and told me he would end it with her as well, she couldn’t be trusted.

[anonymous1234]

Well, yeah, you guessed it: he didn’t. He didn’t leave it be for more than a few days. She, being rejected by me, is now with him after two months. I lost my girl who I loved the world, I lost one of my best friends, got ___ed over by the same friend twice and I’m now in a very bad situation. The end of the story is that both he and her damaged me in such a way I can’t manage to see them at all. I would be able to talk to her alone, but he will be very protective. I did send her a lengthy mail expressing what I felt for her, both the angry side, but also what she meant for me (truly a lot).

This creates a very difficult situation because my other friends still don’t want to choose between this guy (who did something similar to another friend a year ago…) and me, so they invite us both for parties. I can’t go, I can’t handle seeing the both of them and I would probably hit him in the face. So I don’t go. I’m disappointed with the apparent lack of support and recognition that the other guy is such an ass yet another time... It’s all talk but there are no consequences for him, not even now he is forcing his brother to leave the home they both worked on for six years and who has lent hem a large sum of money so that she can move in.

Yeah, I’ve been stupid. I’ve been naïve. Very naïve. My parents saw things were off sooner and felt they were talking to an actress. But she was lying so completely and twisted the truth and interpretations so convincingly I was very much in doubt whether I remembered stuff correctly. My social life is a mess and I’m feeling lone, angry beyond words towards him while usually I’m the rational and quiet guy who thinks things over and thinks long term.

She has never been diagnosed with BPD, but when I read “Stop walking on eggshells” I was stunned. It was like looking in a mirror at my own relationship... The splitting, dissociation, lake of sense of self, etc. Out of the 9 boxes for a high functional BPD patient I could check 8 convincingly.

And now…I’m wondering if she will be coming back someday when the relationship with the other guy is strained and what I should do about it. Having read “Stop walking on eggshells” I wonder if things could have turned out differently if I knew sooner. I’ve worsened things sometimes not knowing I was doing it (and with a healthy person my communication style wouldn’t have been a problem). I’m even wondering if I meant anything to her, I don’t know what was true and what not.

Even now, I miss her very much and still love her (while being angry and disappointed). I would love to have her in my arms again but at the same time, how can there be a future for us. I can’t have kids with her, I couldn’t do this to them without her being treated and the future with her would probably be a hard one. My parents and friends would think I’m utterly crazy and stupid. Hell, even I think that when I take a step back. Sometimes I even wish I wouldn’t have met her at all.

Yet, I care about her a lot and did so from the first moments.

[Ahoy]

Hi Anon!

Firstly welcome to our community! I just finished reading your post and It saddens me that you were treated this way.

Right now I bet your brain is going a million miles a second, overthinking things and trying to make sense of your relationship and the events that led up to its demise.

Now lets get one thing out of the way, yes if you knew about BPD earlier there are things that could have been done differently. When you start reading all of our stories here, a vast majority of us (myself included) didn't know about Cluster-B personality traits, usually something like the book you read or browsing the internet gave us our 'A-ha'' moment!

So yes, there are a set of tools for dealing with borderlines. In my situation, when I found this out I was devastated, I felt I could have saved my relationship with my ex-wife. 7 months post-separation, I can report there is NOTHING I could have done to salvage things between my ex. At the very best I could have delayed the inevitable, quite likely losing my identity and soul in the process.

My advice to you is to firstly, give yourself a break. If your ex is a borderline, she suffers from a very, very serious mental illness, whatever you may or may have not done, you have to remember you are not dealing with 'normal'.

As to whether you meant anything to her, that is often debated heavily on her. The general consensus is yes, you meant everything to her, until you didn't. It's not pleasant to think of it this way, but she likely loved you the way she knew how. Unfortunately as with most borderlines, that love is not permanent or longstanding.

Please visit our workshop's here, there is a wealth of information. Personally when I found out about BPD I just went further back into the forums here, reading everyone's stories and using them to analyze and make sense of my own relationship. Knowledge is power, it will help begin detaching.

Lastly, if you haven't already, try to find a support network. Separating from a borderline is not like a normal breakup, often we carry something called a trauma bond and separation can lead to addiction like withdrawal symptoms. Having a family member or friends to talk about with will help you greatly. My support network knew nothing about BPD and still don't fully understand what my ex is like, however having a few people you can call at a drop of the hat when you are feeling low is vital, heck my mother still likes to call me every day to make sure I'm ok.

It seems like the potential for further interactions with your ex and former friend will be problematic, are you thinking of maintaining No Contact while you deal with everything?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Anonymous1234,



I am very sorry for what you went through. Breaking up with someone is hard enough, but to be betrayed by not only your partner, but by a friend too, is so painful. I would have felt deeply hurt and very angry, too. 

You have come to the right place for support. This site has excellent resources and tools to make things better, and members who understand what you are going through. As Ahoy mentioned, a breakup with someone with BPD/traits is not like other breakups. For me, the relationship opened a lot of wounds from my past so that I was grieving a much deeper loss than just a relationship. Things have gotten so much better for me, though, and they will for you,too. You are not alone!

One of the hardest things I had to understand after my breakup was that he wasn't experiencing the relationship in the same way I was. But that realization also set me free and allowed me to move on to a more fulfilling life. Here is more information about it:


Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

Keep posting, Anonymous, it really helps to write it all out.  We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[anonymous1234]

Thank you both for your responses. I'll try to answer, but they are both lengthy, so I'll answer in a general way and it won't be as structured as my first posts.

It is weird, I have never been so emotional in my life. I have been depressed 8 years ago (medically induced in a turbulent period), but that was more like a swamp I couldn't get out of. Now I'm just one big ball of emotions, although it has been worse in the first weeks. I'm not usually like this. I think it has two causes: to start with him (shorter answer) it is because I've known the guy for 20 years and he just lied to my face while he sabotaged the relationship and afterwards promised me he would end it as well. I can't understand how someone can be so cold towards someone he knows for years. He literally took over my life and thought I've had my chance with her. He said things like "X has had his chance", "he is just a 2nd grade friend", "my own happiness  is more important". I feel so betrayed by him I'm angry to the bone, I've never been so angry. If I could explode like the characters in Dragonball Z I would  Having read about NPD he fits the profile alright, but he had so many friends telling him to **** off he should have known better.

Towards her it's more disappointment and misunderstanding, although I have a better grasp of what has happened to me as well. I'm slowly understanding that truly understanding her is probably impossible. The surviving a break up article suggests that actions tell the truth, but they were conflicted as well. She was dating him slowly while she brought more stuff to the house and we were in the process of fixing the legal stuff as well. From what I've read elsewhere I suspect this was an affair, but because I ended things she turned to him for the attention, knowing that there will be enough drama as well (group of friends, the relationship is based on lies and deceit from both). She probably expected me to respond as understanding as I did before and seemed surprised I ended it then and there. She is telling him lies about our relationship as well. The truth is I should have guarded my boundaries a lot better the period before (although I made her promise that she'd tell him to **** off). To show trust I never asked for her phone to validate it.

A friend of mine who works with BPD'ers professionally said it is very probably she'll try to return when the first signs of trouble appear in the relationship with my "friend". I haven't imposed a strict no contact policy, if she wants to reach me, she is able to but I won't do it myself. My letter (which I wrote to provide some closure for myself) clearly made *an* impression, after that the looked at my domotica stuff every day for weeks. Maybe I'm naive, but if she stands in front of my I'd be willing to talk to her psychiatrist only if she wanted me too. That is probably far fetched, she probably doesn't recognize she has a problem in the first place. Although rationally I know a relationship is very likely a very bad idea, I don't know if I've got the strength to turn her down at this time.

The article was right about the fact that I have connected with her so deeply because of my own insecurities. During the first months I was so happy, I haven't been that happy in quite a while, I missed having a partner and she was great (truly was). I didn't take her as a partner lightly, I've rejected quite a lot of girls before I met her. I miss her still, I really loved her and liked having her around in the house, doing fun stuff with her, etc. She truly seemed to  be mad about me as well, if her actions were any indication, most of the time they were positive, especially at first.

You are right I needed to give myself a break. I've accepted this is going to take a while and I allow myself to not do things (going on vacation) because it reminds me too much about the whole situation. I did have a long talk with one of my friends and I suspect time will do its part there as well, but until there is action there are just words. I need action and him gone out of social life. I can't see him, that would escalate immediately.

[anonymous1234]

Hmm I can't find the edit button to add something; I did tell her I went into NC mode in the mail btw.

[Ahoy]

You bring up a good point mate, yes, definitely look for the 'truth' in actions rather than words.

And yes another good point is that these actions will sometimes not make a whole lot of sense, really understanding them will show you that this person is disordered because, quite often, it doesn't make sense to us 'non's'

An example of this was when I separated from my ex, she was living interstate. She was dating another man (my replacement) and he even updated his facebook profile to 'in a relationship' (with my wife!). Not to mentions she had already had a second relationship with someone I knew back home. Anyways the night I called it off, she was genuinely devastated, she told me we were just going through a rough patch and we would sort things out.

Looking back, how the bloody hell did she think this would play out? What happens if we stay together and I visit her on holiday? So her actions made me realise this is not someone who is in control of her actions, and her actions were strong indications of her mental illness.

This might bite a little harder because of your depression. I also hear where you are coming from about being alone and then meeting someone special. Losing that is terrible. Do you think you might have been like me, centring all of your happiness around one thing? (her?)

Now sorry for the long reply but I will share one last thing. I miss my wife terribly (the fun times like you spoke about) but at the same time, I have grown immensely since my separation, almost like I'm a new man. I realised in myself that I was a caretaker type with low self-esteem and non-existent boundaries. I ignored so many red flags, dismissing them as just the in's and out's of being in a relationship.

I've worked damn hard on myself during my separation, I can honestly say for the first time I have genuine self-esteem, confidence and BOUNDARIES!

Feel everything you are feeling, don't try and suppress it, let it wash over you and when you are ready, start looking at yourself, why you might have ended up with a BPD. The answers are scary, but this can be a catalyst for a new you. You will have support on here from members every step of the way =)

[anonymous1234]

I should correct one thing, while I'm having a difficult time and it's a lot to take in all at once I'm not in that swamp that's called a depression. I'm just very very restless, grieving her, primarily hating him and having a difficult time not being able to come to social gatherings where they could be.

I can even say that I'm some sort of jealous, literally for the first time in my life, because I don't think he deserved taking over my relationship, as screwed up as it probably was. It was mine and mine alone to fail. I wish it would have been a stranger, because I admit I miss the contact I had with him as well and it would not have disrupted my social life.

You said the thing I have thought as well, she had to go to a doctor in May and allowed us both the take the day off for that. How the hell did she think that would play out . She even made the same vacation plans with him, stuff we talked about first. So weird. And it pains me he is living my life, after all the stuff we had been through (her divorce, selling her house, etc) I was really really looking forward to the rest of the year with all our vacation plans. Now he has that (and more ugh... .) with my girl, I felt my place on this world was besides her and in her arms. Ex girl sorry, but I still care for her. Yeah I'm naive...

In general I was and am happy with the rest of my life. I have a good job, a very nice home, sweet parents and a couple of really really good friends (and some that I hold in less regard after this situation). After a relationship of six years and being alone for another four I guess I really missed having a caring partner and someone I could care for with whom I could build a life (and maybe even have children, who knows). That made me susceptible to the charm of this girl, and her charm was there in spades.

I still think this is one of the most beautiful girls I've met and she had some really good sides as well. I could have been happy with her and could have managed some of the abuse if she had been stable enough to not sleep with my friends... .I knew she had problems from the start and accepted that.

I'm really thankful we didn't have children and the house was still 100% mine.

About working on yourself, I can recognize some of the traits you describe in myself as well, but to a lesser degree. On a whole I'm happy with myself, I know my strengths and weaknesses. One weakness that I have had since puberty after some very nasty experiences with girls that broke my heart is a lack of self confidence when it comes to woman. At the same time I know I get attention from woman (and not the ugly or strange ones) and I have enough to be proud of that's attractive.

Boundaries can be difficult because I'm quite flexible, but this girl stepped over them bit by bit and manipulated them over a long time. So it wasn't that clear when it really went out of my comfort zone because she did it so gradually. Not knowing about the BPD I didn't put my foot down in the right way, where a healthy person would have respected my signals and acted on them. I should have treated her like a 3 year old.

[anonymous1234]

Feel everything you are feeling, don't try and suppress it, let it wash over you and when you are ready, start looking at yourself, why you might have ended up with a BPD. The answers are scary, but this can be a catalyst for a new you. You will have support on here from members every step of the way =)

I reread your reply a couple of times and will plan another session with my therapist to explore the points you made here: why I was susceptible to her and why I didn't put my foot down earlier and stronger. Although I do not like conflict and believe you need to talk it out like two adults, that strategy has clearly failed here (in part because I should have treated her as a 3yr old). Instead of making my point clearer sometimes I went out of my way to avoid conflict.

This is something that has to change. Another point is that I need to know my own boundaries better so I can enforce them better.

[Ahoy]

Feel everything you are feeling, don't try and suppress it, let it wash over you and when you are ready, start looking at yourself, why you might have ended up with a BPD. The answers are scary, but this can be a catalyst for a new you. You will have support on here from members every step of the way =)

I reread your reply a couple of times and will plan another session with my therapist to explore the points you made here: why I was susceptible to her and why I didn't put my foot down earlier and stronger. Although I do not like conflict and believe you need to talk it out like two adults, that strategy has clearly failed here (in part because I should have treated her as a 3yr old). Instead of making my point clearer sometimes I went out of my way to avoid conflict.

This is something that has to change. Another point is that I need to know my own boundaries better so I can enforce them better.

I think that's a great idea =) to be honest, your replies indicate that right now you are much better equipped to answer those questions than I ever was post-break up.

You know, out of the blue I was contacted by my ex yesterday. I dealt with it and had no interest in dialogue, however I did wander over to the staying board and read about JADE and SET communication techniques. My hat truly goes off to these people wanting to remain with their BPD because if that's how I have to communicate my point to my significant other (for the rest of my life), well lets just say I think my hair would turn grey in a week.

There is a podcast I listened to on boundaries that I found really useful, the hosts basically stated if you have healthy boundaries, yes you might stay single longer, but you will eventually find someone so much better than the rest they will be worth the wait.

Once again, I think you are handling this extremely well. Just remember to forgive yourself if you trip up or have a down day!

[anonymous1234]

Well, I do understand why people would be staying.

From what I've seen, mine wasn't that bad if I compare it to the horror stories I've read here, but still, she hurt me like hell. Living with her wasn't easy (at all at times), still, if she remained faithful and kind of truthful I'd consider it seriously. I did love her *a lot*. What holds me back is that you would have to be very conscious about what you say, how you say it and when you say it for the rest of your life. In other words, you can't be your self and just blurt things out when you've had it. Also]she wants children, and whatever I choose to do to myself, I can't do it to the children. They deserve better. I deserve better for that matter.

Do you have that podcast for me? I'd love to listen to it, maybe I can learn something by listening to it.

I spoke a friend yesterday who saw them together (one of your best friends in the same group of people doing this complicates things a lot btw... .can't get rid of the both of them) and when she invited him to come by "us" he told her he would be spending time with me that evening. A day later she is in my domotica again . From what I've heard the first little cracks are forming in the honeymoon phase, they seemed somewhat distant to each other.

I'm guessing I have to prepare for contact in the coming period, clearly I'm still on her mind.