coming to terms that my ex is a very toxic and negative person -I am drained dry

[cherryblossom]

 

1 step forwards and 2 back for me unfortunately

feeling depressed -dead - when I get emotion it is tears, or suspicion of people's motives unless an old friend or being around my best friend's child

Burnt 4,000 calories yesterday parading around with my drum at a carnival -that has not lifted my spirits -well it did temporarily -but I don't get the same buzz from performing as I used to. I feel so empty don't know how to fill myself up or if I ever will at a reasonable rate. Would kind of like to have a change in jobs but can in no way face an interview in this state

Had a dream last night with my best friend saying she had spoken to my ex and that she can confirm he HATES me -as I made him cry when I got angry at him in an argument and he could never let that go... .so he hates me and has no interest in resolving things... .then I upset my friend as it transpired I had a baby with her ex so my child was her child's sister -she was devastated and shocked and angry at me... .I was feeling an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt and sadness in the dream

Bless my poor brain it is desperately trying to help me process this painful loss (or gain-but nowhere near feeling it as a gain presently)

Although I've been hoping he will come back I know I am not strong enough to deal with a relationship with him... .maybe this is a good thing and the start of genuinely deciding what I want in my life in terms of relationship and not settling for anything less and how to genuinely protect myself and be ok with who I am... .I don't want to have to second guess everything I'm saying or doing Ive had a lifetime of it starting with growing up... .I feel so cheated I really believed he was on same page as me and detested the behaviors I did but ended up doing all of them! But then he bought me to my knees and I engaged in behavior I'm not proud of but actually not that bad considering what I was put through -but still feel like I'm paying the price -and I really don't think I am that a bad person to be put through this

I think I have chosen partners who are creative but crazy in some way so I don't have to deal with my own self loathing -however there is a part of me that believes I actually have been in touch with my soul over the years -and been ok with my shame and accepting of it. I genuinely believe I am not that egotistical naturally and I think I have been unfortunate to have been born into a family of egotists and have unfortunately got involved with egotistical partners and unluckily have come across many egotists at work and in this band I'm in -I even started thinking that I have narcissistic traits -maybe I do? But I sometimes feel unfairly labelled with other's flaws -I genuinely feel like a cosmic toxic dumping ground

Are all artistic people pained/damaged? -some couples of this ilk seem to be in committed relationships

Really don't know who I should be going for -I can't go for someone totally bland -but do not want any more addicts, drink problems, mh problems, emotional immaturity. I also feel like I've adopted victim role presently -I feel like I need to be cut a break and I want people's empathy for my situation -I feel like no one gives me credit for plowing on through when I would really like to die... .I did not have this attitude at time of meeting ex -but have had it in past -is this a grandiose sense of self entitlement-my perceptions seem way off at the moment and I feel unfairly harsh on myself.

I also think my appearance might put off stable people -I have an unusual dress sense -I don't look my age -but my hero's are Frida Khalo, Mae West and I've got a lot of respect for Courtney Love - and one of my favourite saying is I want to die old as young as possible

[Wood stock]

I sympathize with you on not knowing if there will ever be a partner who is interesting yet not toxic. I am a literature teacher/fitness instructor/singer/local theater performer... .I NEED someone who is outgoing and intellectually on my level... .and it does seem that those with "personality" typically come with too MUCH personality (as in borderline personality, Narcisstic personality, etc.)

I don't know where we find our "type," but I wanted to let you know I feel your pain there. Hang in there... .one thing people like us have going for us is that we have things to do and people to see that keeps us busy. As the saying goes, I guess we just put a smile on and "fake it till ya make it." 

[HurtinNW]

I can so relate   

I'm also in a creative field, and have such a love of the arts. My life is very unusual. I wonder how I am going to find someone who is the right fit for all of my busy, intense, exciting but very different life. I felt that way about my ex. We shared so much in common.

I think a lot of artists are different. We're often sensitive, sometimes with struggles, hard histories, insecurities. A lot of us are empaths.

I'm trying to work on why I've picked the people I do... .what about you? What sort of history do you have? Are you in therapy? Looking into your family history?

I feel like I've been a dumping ground too. Sometimes I think I attract men who initially want to "feed" off my energy and artistic success, as well as my positives. But then they turn on me.

Your appearance sounds fantastic. We have similar sheroes! (well, except for Courtney, ) You are worth a stable person who will delight in you. There are stable artists out there, I know because I have friends who are married to them. It might take more work on ourselves and looking before we can identity them, perhaps?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think a lot of artists are different. We're often sensitive, sometimes with struggles, hard histories, insecurities. A lot of us are empaths.

 . . .

I feel like I've been a dumping ground too. Sometimes I think I attract men who initially want to "feed" off my energy and artistic success, as well as my positives. But then they turn on me.

I feel like I have these exact same problems.  I'm a very artistic and empathetic person as well.  I'm highly sensitive.  Life experiences are more intense with me than they are for other people.  

I've come to the conclusion that I am narcissist bait because I'm successful, educated, and most importantly, I feed the narcissist's need to have someone who is "unique" and "above the rest" because I'm just different from the crowd.  The same traits that make them drawn to me make them threatened by me later on, when they figure out that I might be able to outdo them at certain things.  With my exBPD, he loved that I was worldly and had traveled a lot, but found himself feeling inadequate when I asked him about his own experiences.  In that kind of context, any positive soon becomes a negative; I win him points when he compares his girlfriend to other people's girlfriends, but he pales in comparison when he compares himself to me.  Yes, it is a losing situation.  I've come to realize that I need to date someone who is similar to me in education and success to avoid this pitfall.  I never really cared about a guy's financial attainments before, but every time I've dated a man who made significantly less than I do, it has ended badly, in part for the insecurity it caused.  I know this probably sounds really stuck up, but it's unfortunately been the truth in my experience.  I am not even unusually well-off -- I'm solidly middle class.  And frankly, I didn't think the men I've dated were beneath me, either.  One had a doctorate.  Another had a masters.  Another one had successfully run his own business for over 20 years.  All of them were brilliant.  And all of them found me threatening.

The typical 2.5 kids and greige house on a cul-de-sac with a dog and toys in the yard does nothing for me.  It seems like guys who are so-called stable and normal want that.  The guys who don't so often have a grab bag of issues, and often a big chip on their shoulders.  It makes me wonder about cats as life partners