Does the reaching out typically happen if the non broke up with them

[TheRiddler]

So I'm confused, does the reaching out typically happen if the non broke up with them and it was a really kind breakup?

[Herodias]

Mine pushed me away in the most ultimate way (another woman in our marital bed)... .then when he found another woman to replace her with, he came around me and said too much had happened between us for our marriage to work. No more therapy. He then called me one night and told me she was pregnant, but I could take him back. I said no... .then he wrote me last Jan. and asked if I wanted to be the Aunt... .then he wished me an early happy birthday... .(Feb.) and said he was "trying" - I asked " trying what exactly?"... .I haven't heard any more since then other than all of this contact through attorneys  (is there a 4th person ever in triangulation?) and his suing me stuff... .He did smile  really big at me during the divorce- wow- what a happy moment (not)... .anyway, I am sure I will hear from him again. I know he is not happy pretending to be a cowboy. I won't give in no matter how alone I feel. My life is so much more relaxed and drama free... .I hated the conflict and the danger of being around him. Did I like all the love-bombing- yes- not worth getting a gun held to me or possibly ending up dead like so many people I know expected. Think about what you are asking for!

[TheRiddler]

Hey Herodias,

Thanks for the thorough response as usual.

I'm just curious about how it works, because it helps me to have an idea of what I can expect based on what's already happened.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Riddler-

I'm just curious about how it works, because it helps me to have an idea of what I can expect based on what's already happened.

Think attachments with borderlines; the actual conditions of what happened don't matter as much as attachments.  If she's having strong emotions she can't soothe, because the wheels are coming off the current relationship or any other reason, you may show up on her radar as a possible soother and she may reach out, and if you give any indication that an emotional attachment is still in place, she will feel better, and may even start another idealization phase, which, if you were to get back together, would typically be shorter than previous ones.

And all of that is unpredictable.  What is predictable, what you have control over, is what you make it mean.  You can figure that out by asking the right questions:

Do you want to be with her?
Does she want to be with you?
Do you trust her?
Does she treat you with respect?
Can she meet your emotional needs sustainably over time?
Will she be faithful to you?

If the answer to all or most of those is no, then best to focus on detaching; do you know the answers?

[StayStrongNow]

Personally I am hoping my replacemt is a NPD. They can go on together.

www.blogs.psychcentral.com/therapy-soup/2014/03/narcissistic-and-borderline-attraction/

I don't want her back and I agree with many, you just have to learn on your own. I didn't know about BPD so I don't know if my three attempts at reconciling should be called recycling but they were all failures. Never again, I don't want her back, ever. Even if she realized the truth I could never trust her for the rest of my life.

I have shut the door, locked it and threw away the key all for my own good.

[TheRiddler]

Hey fromheeltoheal,

I can't get the quote of your questions to work, but I'd have to say:

1. Not really at the moment, it's more an obsession
2. She's shown no indication, but that's why their returns and attempts are so surprising, right?
3. I could trust her, maybe... She'd have a lot of explaining to do
4. She was off and on with respect, but I was naive enough to think she was just kidding around
5. I doubt it, she can't take care of her own
6. I haven't the foggiest; I suspect she was cheating but I only thought that over a year later, and there's no proof

[fromheeltoheal]

1. Not really at the moment, it's more an obsession
2. She's shown no indication, but that's why their returns and attempts are so surprising, right?
3. I could trust her, maybe... She'd have a lot of explaining to do
4. She was off and on with respect, but I was naive enough to think she was just kidding around
5. I doubt it, she can't take care of her own
6. I haven't the foggiest; I suspect she was cheating but I only thought that over a year later, and there's no proof

Yes, unpredictability can be surprising, unless we expect the unexpected.

Whelp, your answers don't paint a picture of a healthy relationship, or even the possibility of one, so time to focus on dealing with that obsession yes?

[TheRiddler]

That doesn't mean she won't reach out, though, or maybe it does; I keep looking for some kind of objective data so I can see my chances, and calm myself.  There are so many conflicting thoughts on the Internet and even these boards, that it's truly mind boggling. 

This has been helpful in that regard, but it's worded a little confusingly for me (72%?):
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215

[joeramabeme]

So I'm confused, does the reaching out typically happen if the non broke up with them and it was a really kind breakup?

TheRiddler

The short answer to your question is No.  The more complete answer is; there is no formula that determines what happens next or when.  Every person, including pwBPD, are individuals with a multitude of traits that impact what they decide they like, to do etc.  pwBPD are individuals just like you and I with their own preferences and choices etc.

keep looking for some kind of objective data so I can see my chances, and calm myself.  There are so many conflicting thoughts on the Internet and even these boards, that it's truly mind boggling.  

I read your search for "objective data" as; can I hope that she will reach out to me again because I am so lost and hurt without her.  Is my understanding correct?

heeltoheal had some good questions, and explicitly the one that relates to; would this be healthy for you.  The truth is likely to be that even if she did come back, you would feel "calm" for a very short period of time and then even more anxious in the realization that recycles typically do not sustain.

Could you give a few words to describe how being with her would make you feel "calm"?

[TheRiddler]

You misunderstood; I meant I'd be calmed by the knowledge.

[myself]

My ex, who shows most if not all of the serious traits of this disorder (and then some), was pretty consistently inconsistent. The variations changed from situation to situation, mood to mood. So to second joeramabeme, there's no hard and fast rule here as far as who'll do what when. Sorry, I don't know the details of your r/s. Do you have a history of recycles with her? If so, what are the patterns there (and hers specifically)?

[TheRiddler]

Nope, no history of recycles.  From what I read, that doesn't mean much seeing as how unpredictable this appears to be.

It's very confusing :-/

[fromheeltoheal]

That doesn't mean she won't reach out, though, or maybe it does; I keep looking for some kind of objective data so I can see my chances, and calm myself.  There are so many conflicting thoughts on the Internet and even these boards, that it's truly mind boggling.  

Yes, it's confusing because humans are complex, and put a personality disorder on top of it and it's unpredictable.

So it seems you would feel calm if you knew exactly what the chances of her reaching out are and they were slim?  Another way would be to focus on calming yourself, detaching, becoming centered, which would take away her power, and you'd be calm regardless of what she does, with your emotional state disconnected from her actions.  :)oes that sound attractive and possible?

[TheRiddler]

I appreciate the patience. 

So it seems you would feel calm if you knew exactly what the chances of her reaching out are and they were slim?

I'm actually calmed more by the idea there's a good chance she'll reach out, which seems possible.  I'm sorry I wasn't clear, maybe I should be on another board because I think I'm confusing people.

[Herodias]

By being "calmed" do you mean feeling like you mattered at all? Less feeling of a bruised ego? You have to think about what you are feeling... .I know how you feel, because I would love for mine to say, I made a huge mistake! I believe we will not hear that, because we are too fragile at this point. I think we are somehow being saved form making a bad mistake. We have to focus more on being calm within ourselves and not feeling we have to have someone in our lives to feel whole. Just be patient. When you are strong, that's when they come back... .when you don't want them anymore... .at least that's how I see it. Usually they come back pretty quickly if they are going to get back into it with you... .I recycled 3 times... .the first one was 3 months because he was dating someone else then she was smart enough to dump him.  The other times, we were married and he wanted to come home... .I am sure that makes a difference. I wished I stayed away the first time, but I was addicted like he was a drug... .really sickening. Be strong... .go do things with friends and family. Try and stop focusing on this. It is really hard I know. I am still enmeshed after a year and a half! I know I am getting better though. I do not want him back. I wouldn't mind the begging,    I think his gf will put up with him longer since she had a baby with him though... .could be quite awhile.

[TheRiddler]

Usually they come back pretty quickly if they are going to get back into it with you...

This worries me.  I read an article on this site that said it was pretty common for them to reach out.  It's been 1.5 years for me too.  Thank you for your insight 

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm actually calmed more by the idea there's a good chance she'll reach out, which seems possible.  I'm sorry I wasn't clear, maybe I should be on another board because I think I'm confusing people.

I am a little confused Riddler, since you say you don't want to be with her, although you're obsessed, which does make sense, it's common around here, although you say the idea of her reaching out would be calming.  So for clarification, what's the goal, and what would it mean if she did reach out?

[HoneyB33]

TheRiddler I think the point for you is that you want to feel like you matter, am I right? If your ex comes back, wants you, and tells you how much of an idiot she was, then you could feel some goodness again in yourself.

I didn't want to be with my ex. The whole entire reason she discarded me was because I was very much at my whits end with the relationship. I just wasn't going to break up with her right then. In a month, I could have ended things and moved on with my life. Happy as a bird. But instead, I dealt with this severe discard, and this unbearable pain that followed. It was so hallowing. I basically wanted my ex to come back so I could reestablish reality. So I could reestablish my worth and value as a partner. And ESP that I was desirable, and a GOOD partner. With the discard came so many horrible lies. It hurt so badly, esp because I had literally given my all to make sense of anything with her. It was literally the worst betrayal, beyond anything I could have ever imagined. And her? She was off practically celebrating hurting me, and replacing me. So yeah, I wanted her to want me. I wanted her to reach for me. Because I wanted to feel the truth I knew about myself, that she had temporarily robbed me of.

But you know why my ex has never come back? Oh she's tried in very tiny ways. Texting me about "details" of things, asking people if I'm "coming back", and walking strait up to me the first time she saw me, trying to act like we're friends. But the real reason that she won't try to get me back is because I have boundaries. Because I will not drop all the horrible pain she put me through, and just take things up how she wants me to. That I won't let her have control over me.

This isn't a normal scope of relationships. The only way to "get" these people, is to have nothing for yourself. Yeah, you "want her back", but at least when I felt that way, the truth is that I wanted myself back. I wanted reality back. And I wanted appreciation for all that I have done and given. AND I wanted the lies and smearing removed. "Having" these people means you pay of yourself. Just how much of yourself do you want to lose?

[JSF13]

This is the first time I have been on here in months. My pwBPDex has been reaching out for a month straight this time. Consistantly. I do not engage. It has been 9 months since she abandoned our relationship and left me 3k miles from home with absolutely nothing. She has gone as far as sending pics and videos to try to rope me in. Her only way of contacting me is by email or creating fake social media accts and messaging me which I immediately block and discard. I still hurt every single day from the abuse she put me through and realize I had my own esteem issues that kept me there and allowed her to strip me of who I was as a person. I ask myself daily will it ever stop but it doesn't seem to. Maybe she'll go a few weeks max and has been bouncing relationship to relationship. My fear becomes that she will show up where I am as she is very aggressive. I am recently seeing a new girl who is very stable and understands BPD and npd very thoroughly and is very patient with me and supportive which I am beyond thankful for but it doesn't change the hurt my ex has caused. I too wonder why 9 months later she continues to harrass me. She very much knows I do not want her anywhere near me but it doesn't stop her from trying near daily.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

This is a case by case basis.  Depending on the individual their reactions may vary.  Mine exBPDgf told me the last time she was too embarrassed to contact me, but finally did when I told her I was moving on.  This last time she ended things, but she has done that before.  She told me we were too different, only to come back and say she isn't a coward and only a coward walks away from the love I give her.  This most recent time she left because I was upset that within two days of a relationship defining talk where we agreed to be exclusive she went out with an old high school friend, a guy, and got drunk.  I was upset because she told me about it after the fact.  When I wasn't happy she started saying I accused her of cheating. 

You really cannot predict her behavior, you can only learn from what you've been through. 

[william3693]

My first wife had BPD.I ended the relationship.She contacted me 30 years later after the end of
my second marriage.

After my second marriage I dated a woman with BPD . She broke up with me.
She contacted me this year after 3 years of NC.Things went well for six months
then went south.It may be ending this week.

If you look at the skills of the moderators and support team and how many of them
are no longer in a rs with their BPD mates it should give us pause but we think we know what we want.

[Mr Orange]

Riddler,

I totally get where you are coming from. There are SO MANY traits and behaviors that operate like clockwork with individuals who have BPD. You often see posts on these boards to the effect of, "I'm convinced you and I dated the same person". Given this, it is very easy and understandable to then expect a one size fits all answer to every question you have about pwBPD. So while there is so much overlap between our various experiences with the BPD in our lives, as others have stated on this thread they are still people and no one person is going to behave 100% across the board like another person.

I'll share my own personal experience in regards to the pwBPD coming back or not, for whatever its worth. About 4 months into my marriage with my uBPDw (September 2014), I arrived home from work to find every possession I owned neatly packed and stacked in boxes and suitcases by the front door. My wife was sitting on the couch quietly awaiting my return, all dressed up with her makeup on and a letter prepared (this is significant because once married she NEVER put on makeup and her wardrobe consisted of t-shirts and sweats). I was completely stunned. We had been nonstop arguing since the day after the wedding. She started in with this ice cold demeanor, explaining that I had to start taking the marriage seriously, needed to change and work show my desire to be a good husband. She specified she was having me leave in hopes that I would eventually change enough to be accepted back by her. I was so upset, I didn't even bother to listen to her letter she had written. I tossed my wedding band on the floor, grabbed up my stuff, threw it in my car and left for my parents house. I told her, I was done. In my eyes the conflict was on both of us, so this was a betrayal I would not accept, and I was also quite miserable at that point thinking I'd made a huge mistake marrying her. She texted me a few times after I left, but I ignored her. The texts became increasingly desperate and filled with panic. She claimed she didn't really expect me to leave, that she was just trying to get my attention. No one believed her ridiculous story and it was the one time (per a half hour of pressing by the counselor) that she had to actually admit fault. I eventually went back after 3 weeks contingent on us going to counseling.

Fast forward to late February of this year. Things only got worse and I had been contemplating for months choosing to separate. I finally reached my breaking point and told her I could no longer deal with the marriage as it was and was separating from her. And so I left that night. I texted her a few days later and told her I did ultimately want us to reconcile, but that serious change needed to happen. Over the next few months all of our communication was high conflict. She was angry at me for leaving, and I was frustrated that she could not see the crisis level the marriage had reached and that we both needed to change. I continued to state my desire for reconciliation, but only contingent on seeing signs from her that she could take ownership for her issues by going to individual therapy as I have been. She tried as many different ways imaginable to get me to fold on my bottom line of us BOTH working to change. About a month ago I suspect she finally accepted that I wasn't going to buckle. I haven't had any communication with her since, and recently noticed on facebook that she changed her last name back to her maiden name and put her relationship status as "separated". In my mind, she has likely accepted that she would have to change in order for the marriage to continue, and she would rather be divorced.

So all that to say that it seems in my limited experience, a good deal of whether they re-engage with you or come back to you depends on your mindset. It almost seems like they have a sixth sense for how strong your resolve is. When she "kicked me out" the first time, I truly was done and ready to walk away. She was in full panic and desperate to get me back. When I left on my own accord but stated a desire to work things out, I suspect she felt she had the upper hand because I was still expressing a desire to be with her even though I "abandoned" her.

That's just my personal experience. Seemed like when I was truly done, the abandonment issues kicked in and she clung to me for dear life, even though it was her trying to give me the boot. When I broke it off but stated I wanted to be with her *contingent* upon both of us working on our issues, she checked out.

Cheers,
Orange