Mariposa,
I am glad you found the board and I read your story.
After finally standing up for myself and walking away, he seems to be retaliating by public displays of affection with a new relationship
That must have been hard for you to do, though I am glad you did it. I see from your post how much you are hurting. I am sorry you are going through that. I have been there and fully understand.
When you ask about the physical pain. I am in Holistic health and here I am going to a Cardiologist. I have been having chest pains. So I can relate to what you are feeling mentally and physically.
Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or
silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’
The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.
Some BPD's use it as a defense, many NPD use it full well knowing it will hurt and to be cruel. It is very sad to me.
As adults there is no reason to give someone the silent treatment especially if they reach out with an apology ( if a non and not wrong, take on their shoulders or just want to be kind). NC is a different animal, it is where two people are adult enough to say hey I am moving on, want to move on, or need time to think, am hurt etc so NC for awhile. VS the deadly silent treatment.
Paul Schrodt, has some findings from his in-depth analysis revealed that the silent treatment is ‘tremendously’ damaging to a relationship. It decreases relationship satisfaction for both partners, diminishes feelings of intimacy, and reduces the capacity to communicate in a way that’s healthy and meaningful.
Good thing is now you saw what he was doing. How do you feel about him and your relationship now?
Is there some things you can do now to feel a little better, small steps, some joy?
Take some time to go for a walk maybe a new book? Do you exercise or do yoga?
Find some goals or things you can be grateful for and take your power back. The hurt and silent treatment can only work if you hand over your power.
Do you have a support group of friends or family that can help you through this time? How about a T?
Either way take your attention away from him now, and focus on you. Your healing, your goals, your joy no matter what that is.
Just wanted to reach out and let you know that many here care. There are some great articles, tools on the sidebar and book recommendations that can help you whilst on your healing journey. Keep us updated.
