Insight Appreciated Silent treatment

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

 Mods if in wrong section please move. Not sure where I should put... .

I am still so hurt over this silent treatment from someone I loved. It has been over 2 months, and I have tried to reach out in numerous ways. I am not perfect so tried to explain my hurt, or misunderstanding, apologize for my part in.

Sorry for so long. Any thoughts would be appreciated. If you read all bless you... .   

I wrote this in another post: Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’

The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.

So that helps me understand why silent treatment is wrong, hurtful and hurting me so much. I tried to explain last time we can't ignore or do silent too hurtful.

Some BPD's use it as a defense, many NPD use it full well knowing it will hurt and to be cruel. It is very sad to me.

I understand the need for NC, why many have to do it. That is different then silent treatment. NC is when two adults agree to time apart, to solve things, think things through, heal or worse when one doesn't respect. Not this deadly silent treatment.

I have been having chest pains and hurting over this. I don't blame this person at all, I am just saying this is what it is coupled with dealing with my sbxUBPD.

My mind keeps going back to how much we cared and do care about each other and I want to value that. I don't want to paint black, hurt or dismiss someone over something that we could both forgive. Or I could forgive and move forward. Ask for forgiveness for any of my part in their hurt.

That to me is what life is about. Loving and being true in friendships and relationships. We are all human and no one is perfect, least of all me.

There was a broken trust, but was willing to forgive, if I misunderstood, if they wanted a different relationship or friendship then what I could give.

We had a strong foundation, caring, respect and many things in common. We had 8 years of the same interests, hobbies, and intellectual interests. There was so much good I don't want to throw away that. I have tried to no avail, to at least be the friend I always said I was. Be true to our friendship. Accept responsibility as none of us are perfect.

We really had no big or real fights. When did they were misunderstandings that could be resolved and were. Should have been within days. I am a forgiver. But each time there was silent treatments, ignoring, or saying I was angry. Yes I was hurt, angry at times but always reached out in kindness, compassion and respect.

 But one silent was for between 6 months and year. We went right back to where we were as we did have so much love, respect and on the same page. It justs seems such a waste of time, heart or energy to let time go by without talking out.

To me healthy hurt, anger or misunderstandings are a part of life and relationships. Talking it out, can make you both stronger as you grow, and a stronger bond or relationship.

I am not talking the unhealthy BPD or NP that rage, insult or do things like cheat then march on as if nothing is wrong.

I am just a loss what to do. As I have reached out, tried and apologized even though I didn't do it. In fairness they apologized at first but still snarked and insulted at my kind attempts, or was rude about my feelings. I could only go based off what I saw, anyone would think the same.

I am so hurt, the pain is deep. I know I need to let them go if that is what they want, can't lose my dignity in reaching out anymore to silent treatment. I have no problem respecting if they needed time ( never said that).

We have some lose ends if I can't count on their help or information I will lose a lot of what I built up for business. Still can't get into many things. I can accept that if need be. Just wouldn't do that to someone so beside myself.

The friendship is worth more then money, a business or material things so can let that go no matter how bad my children and I need that. In fact suffering as I haven't even told the person how much I am suffering physically or my business is due to not getting some info. I don't ever want to do the guilt trip I only want contact, if we both value each other, our future and friendship not for any other reason... .

I am just so lost. Know I have to heal and go forward, no the silent treatment is wrong. After 8 years of good there is no reason for this.

I do know this person doesn't feel they need to work at things. Work in relationships is not fun. I am puzzled they never had to pay for anything for me, know I was taking abuse from ex, and trying to go forward, trying not to bother anyone while I dealt with abuse, rages, 2 homes, children, work. I tried to be up 100% of the time, but truly was not possible all the time. I tried to not bring any of my problems to my friends, but this one we did both talk of our family situations.

They commented once online I was great 85-90% of the time. A few times I got too emotional... .ummm look at all I was handling in my life.

To me the abuse I am dealing with sbx or what is going on doesn't define me. I will go on, heal, the houses will be dealt with then I can get back to who I am. I can't help the drama I am having in my life. I can control how I react to it, which I am trying hard to do, be there for all, my kids, be grateful, be positive, and be loving.

My friend is so gifted, wonderful, kind, smart, and loving. But does come from a family of hurt and doesn't know how to deal with emotions or anger. Even said relationships should always be fun no work. To me they do take work as we are human.

Thoughts anyone

[Lilyroze]

 Mods if in wrong section please move. Not sure where I should put... .

I am still so hurt over this silent treatment from someone I loved. It has been over 2 months, and I have tried to reach out in numerous ways. I am not perfect so tried to explain my hurt, or misunderstanding, apologize for my part in.

Sorry for so long. Any thoughts would be appreciated. If you read all bless you... .   

I wrote this in another post: Kipling Williams, a Professor of Psychology at Purdue University who has studied ostracism for twenty years, explains, ‘Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realise the emotional or physical harm that is being done.’

The ability to detect ostracism is hardwired in us – it doesn’t matter if you’re being ignored by a group or a person you can’t stand, the pain still registers.

So that helps me understand why silent treatment is wrong, hurtful and hurting me so much. I tried to explain last time we can't ignore or do silent too hurtful.

Some BPD's use it as a defense, many NPD use it full well knowing it will hurt and to be cruel. It is very sad to me.

I understand the need for NC, why many have to do it. That is different then silent treatment. NC is when two adults agree to time apart, to solve things, think things through, heal or worse when one doesn't respect. Not this deadly silent treatment.

I have been having chest pains and hurting over this. I don't blame this person at all, I am just saying this is what it is coupled with dealing with my sbxUBPD.

My mind keeps going back to how much we cared and do care about each other and I want to value that. I don't want to paint black, hurt or dismiss someone over something that we could both forgive. Or I could forgive and move forward. Ask for forgiveness for any of my part in their hurt.

That to me is what life is about. Loving and being true in friendships and relationships. We are all human and no one is perfect, least of all me.

There was a broken trust, but was willing to forgive, if I misunderstood, if they wanted a different relationship or friendship then what I could give.

We had a strong foundation, caring, respect and many things in common. We had 8 years of the same interests, hobbies, and intellectual interests. There was so much good I don't want to throw away that. I have tried to no avail, to at least be the friend I always said I was. Be true to our friendship. Accept responsibility as none of us are perfect.

We really had no big or real fights. When did they were misunderstandings that could be resolved and were. Should have been within days. I am a forgiver. But each time there was silent treatments, ignoring, or saying I was angry. Yes I was hurt, angry at times but always reached out in kindness, compassion and respect.

 But one silent was for between 6 months and year. We went right back to where we were as we did have so much love, respect and on the same page. It justs seems such a waste of time, heart or energy to let time go by without talking out.

To me healthy hurt, anger or misunderstandings are a part of life and relationships. Talking it out, can make you both stronger as you grow, and a stronger bond or relationship.

I am not talking the unhealthy BPD or NP that rage, insult or do things like cheat then march on as if nothing is wrong.

I am just a loss what to do. As I have reached out, tried and apologized even though I didn't do it. In fairness they apologized at first but still snarked and insulted at my kind attempts, or was rude about my feelings. I could only go based off what I saw, anyone would think the same.

I am so hurt, the pain is deep. I know I need to let them go if that is what they want, can't lose my dignity in reaching out anymore to silent treatment. I have no problem respecting if they needed time ( never said that).

We have some lose ends if I can't count on their help or information I will lose a lot of what I built up for business. Still can't get into many things. I can accept that if need be. Just wouldn't do that to someone so beside myself.

The friendship is worth more then money, a business or material things so can let that go no matter how bad my children and I need that. In fact suffering as I haven't even told the person how much I am suffering physically or my business is due to not getting some info. I don't ever want to do the guilt trip I only want contact, if we both value each other, our future and friendship not for any other reason... .

I am just so lost. Know I have to heal and go forward, no the silent treatment is wrong. After 8 years of good there is no reason for this.

I do know this person doesn't feel they need to work at things. Work in relationships is not fun. I am puzzled they never had to pay for anything for me, know I was taking abuse from ex, and trying to go forward, trying not to bother anyone while I dealt with abuse, rages, 2 homes, children, work. I tried to be up 100% of the time, but truly was not possible all the time. I tried to not bring any of my problems to my friends, but this one we did both talk of our family situations.

They commented once online I was great 85-90% of the time. A few times I got too emotional... .ummm look at all I was handling in my life.

To me the abuse I am dealing with sbx or what is going on doesn't define me. I will go on, heal, the houses will be dealt with then I can get back to who I am. I can't help the drama I am having in my life. I can control how I react to it, which I am trying hard to do, be there for all, my kids, be grateful, be positive, and be loving.

My friend is so gifted, wonderful, kind, smart, and loving. But does come from a family of hurt and doesn't know how to deal with emotions or anger. Even said relationships should always be fun no work. To me they do take work as we are human.

Thoughts anyone

[Circle]

I'm going through similar treatment right now. It hurts me also. It's another form of BPD abuse. I am writing my dxBPDso off, if this continues. I will make an effort to keep in touch with the kids. As for my dealings with my BPD, they will be simply a matter of greasing-the-wheels, so I can visit the kids.

Ernest Hemmingway said 'If you want to see if somebody is trustworthy, trust them.' (Paraphrased) I'm going to give them a small chance to redeem themselves within a given period of time. And afterwards, if they don't make an effort, I am deeming them not-worth-it.

It hurts, yes. I am old enough now, and have been through enough relationship junk, that I am used to this sort of loss. You ride the pain out, treat yourself well, and in time, you are over it and the wiser for it. Hang in there, do things you love. You will get over the hill!

[Lilyroze]

Hello Circle,

Ty so much for the advice. Love the Hemmingway quote, gives me pause to think.

Yes, agreed I was thinking that today. I have reached out and did all I can at this point, the friendship needs a two way interaction. They will need to reach out.

Has it gotten any easier lately for you?

[Circle]

Well, like you say, so much centers around the pain. Every once in a while, I am able to see the ridiculous humor in it; that it's such bad behavior, and they can be such selfish scoundrels. I recently switched taking an anti-depressant, which I was able to get from my family doctor, from bed-time to wake-time. One effect of this, I seem to be noticing, is that I wake up much more sensitive to emotion, inner-pain and hurt. Once the a.d. kicks in, I feel a bit better and less triggered. That's a short term observation; I'll have to wait and see what happens in the long term.

I went through the same phenomenon in an earlier relationship. It was very brutal for me. Which is why I think it's such a trigger now. Though, now, it's nowhere near as bad as before. I tried so hard to stay friends with that person, in the earlier relationship. I followed the curve to it's end, started counseling throughout the process, and made it to the other side/end of the situation. Looking back on it, I realize so profoundly how little this person was worth my efforts. That I had built them up, in my mind to be something they simply were not. Now, I see that they were farther from being a complete person than I was/am.

[HopefulDad]

Silent treatment = silent rage.  If you have boundaries against being yelled at (loud rage), you should also have boundaries against being given the silent treatment.  I treated them one and the same.  I would go for a walk, take a drive or go do something while being raged at, letting my pwBPD know that she could rage all she wanted, but that I wasn't going to be in the room with her when she did.

[Lilyroze]

Thanks HopefulDad,

Silent treatment = silent rage.  If you have boundaries against being yelled at (loud rage), you should also have boundaries against being given the silent treatment

These are the things I need to remind myself of. Yes I know the person was very angry with my bringing up the situation. I asked was lied to, then we wrote back and forth kind of resolved, then back to my fault for a few things I pointed out. I did it kindly, but with a boundary in place. Now silent treatment, to no matter how hard I have tried to see their side, apologize, over look I guess the lie and boundary.

Tell how much I loved, cared, respected and thanked for everything. Showed compassion and all the good. I said I didn't want to throw things away in friendship for a misunderstanding, or a mistake or even something that should be able to be forgiven on my part. If I needed forgiven asked for that as well to go forward in friendship and kindness. To nothing for 2 months.

I do know they say they walk away from people and never look back. Or say to train the dog it worked to keep it isolated when it did wrong, then knew not to and would rather be out, given attention and a cookie. Sounds good for training a dog, practical and the dog was well trained... . I will give that.

I do love the person, their kindness and respect, but they were raised by two NPD and have a sister probably BPD, doesn't make them the same. They try to learn, rise above, very good but the whole family uses people, treats them bad, and manipulates to their will. My friend doesn't but does put up with all their weirdness then takes out on me for small. They all never make up, apologize but do talk next day. Here I have bent over backwards never did the things the family does and I get silent treatment.

I do have to wonder am I getting the dog training treatment as a caring human friend?  The anger and perceived slight makes me have to have a silent treatment? It is all sad, and don't know what to make of it.

I am trying to remember all this so I don't keep reaching out, lose my dignity, as it is now high time for them to reach out I would think. If still angry I can accept that, then tell me you need time.

I always wondered though when we had situations and I got the silent how it would be in future for business, life etc.  I never assume and always ask, etc but do have to wonder. Sorry just thoughts I am thinking out loud.

Input is helping me. Ty so much.

TY Circle to you as well. You are really helping me. Though I am sorry you have had to go through that. I hope as you heal you can start to rest, sleep and enjoy life a little better.  

[Circle]

You're welcome Lilyroze. Hang in there as well!

HopefulDad, how do you recommend reinforcing boundaries toward the 'silent treatment'?

[HopefulDad]

HopefulDad, how do you recommend reinforcing boundaries toward the 'silent treatment'?

The same way you enforce boundaries when being yelled at.  Something like... .

"[validate the emotion behind the rage].  I want to talk to you about this because it's important we talk through issues despite how difficult that may seem.  The key word there is 'talk'.  Yelling at Silently avoiding each other isn't constructive and actually creates a tension that I can't handle.  I'm going for a walk.  I'll be back at 8pm.  Hopefully we can talk about it then or at least be in a place where we're not yelling at silently avoiding each other and can agree to talk about it another time."

Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.  If extinction bursts amplify the situation, amplify your boundary enforcement appropriately (e.g. longer time away, stay overnight at a friend's house).

[Circle]

I found this old BPD-family thread by googling it. It's on boundaries & the silent treatment:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=166364.0

[Lilyroze]

HopefulDad,

If I am being stonewalled and silent treatment after doing all that. What would you do, just ignore as I have been now? It only stopped after 6 months or more last time I reached out.

[Circle]

Thanks for the advice, HopefulDad. I think, I'll just let them have their space for a while. The tricky thing with this situation, is them learning manipulation. People with BPD use whatever tools they find work. So, if they figure out that being silent is affecting you, they will keep utilizing it (from my experience and reading). I am going to try getting to the point where I don't care. Speaking for myself, I'm pretty o.d.'d on my dxBPDso anyhow.

[HopefulDad]

HopefulDad,

If I am being stonewalled and silent treatment after doing all that. What would you do, just ignore as I have been now? It only stopped after 6 months or more last time I reached out.

Do *not* ignore it.  You are being raged at.  If he was yelling at your for 6 straight months, I suspect you would not just ignore it.

You set a boundary against being given the silent treatment.  Your boundary is tested with more silent treatment.  This is the extinction burst, seeing if your boundary actually is a real boundary or not.  Ignoring it sends the message that no boundary exists.  You must enforce it.  You *must* step up your boundary enforcement, just as you would towards any other abuse.

"... .I'm going for a walk... ."
"... .I'm going out with so-and-so.  I'll be back around midnight... ."
"... .I'm going to stay at so and so's house tonight... ."
"... .I'm going to stay at so and so's house for the week... ."
"... .I'm leaving you... ."

That last one is the nuclear option, but if you think about it, it will be the last option of *every* boundary enforcement escalation.  The bottom line is that you have to set and enforce boundaries in all relationships and the ultimate cost of not respecting the boundaries is the end of the relationship.

[HopefulDad]

Thanks for the advice, HopefulDad. I think, I'll just let them have their space for a while. The tricky thing with this situation, is them learning manipulation. People with BPD use whatever tools they find work. So, if they figure out that being silent is affecting you, they will keep utilizing it (from my experience and reading). I am going to try getting to the point where I don't care. Speaking for myself, I'm pretty o.d.'d on my dxBPDso anyhow.

Regarding the bolded, the act of setting and enforcing boundaries is indeed an admission that something affects you.  That's not a bad thing, though.  The enforcement of boundaries actually prevent them from exploiting that.

[Lilyroze]

Get that HopefulDad but friends lives in another state so giving Silent treatment and  ignoring all communication of calls, emails etc.

I did stop trying to email, call about 1 month ago, last from them was 2 months ago.

[HopefulDad]

Get that HopefulDad but friends lives in another state so giving Silent treatment and  ignoring all communication of calls, emails etc.

I did stop trying to email, call about 1 month ago, last from them was 2 months ago.

My "checklist" of boundary enforcement escalation is an example, not a hard-and-fast rule to follow, so if that template doesn't fit your situation, by all means make adjustments to it (e.g. motel instead of a friend's place).

The bottom line is that you are suffering emotional abuse via silent treatment and need some way to enforce boundaries to protect yourself.  How you do so is up to you, but usually physically removing yourself from the abuse is the best way.

[formflier]

How many times have you reached out?  How did that happen?  Text... call... us mail... .etc etc

I have some ideas... .but want to be clear on what has happened up until now.

FF

[Lilyroze]

  FF,

I wrote a couple times, being the person would not pick up the phone, etc.

 I am more of a talk it out person, be kind, even if anger or upset. To me things can always be worked through.

If someone is upset( or me emotional as boundary and lie was hard to deal with all I am going through with sbx) then say I need time. Call back later etc. Didn't happen.

So we wrote a few times, got things got. Seemed though no matter how kind or appreciative I was for everything else, person only saw as put downs. I did thank, was appreciative and kind.I did also make sure to  stick to the hurtful parts to me as well. Mainly as it was a lie, boundary issue and wanted them to know and address so we could deal with it. Talk it out, address my hurt for once.

I also in email and phone messages expressed my love, appreciation and sorrow for misunderstanding, and any hurt I caused by bringing it up. I did write honesty was important to me as we were going to do a business together.

Don't get me wrong friendship was loving and great but whenever hurt was done, a boundary crossed in a hurtful way, I always laughed, forgave etc.

With my healing with my ex boundaries, my being respected with love integrity back have become important to me.

My friend is not responsible for my happiness or my divorce with ex, and never tried to make them. But at same time I did put up with some boundary and hurtful things with them. Could they be easily resolved and forgiven? Absolutely  as I am not perfect either.


Now back to silent treatment, like the one that lasted 6 months prior and a few others that only stopped when I continued to reach out. Once over we talk, laugh get back to where we are but well issues never talked about again or I am hanged up on etc. The problems or things hurtfully done to me, are always categorized as I was mad, and they didn't do anything.

I guess that is why I chose this time to stick to some of the hurtful things, in my notes. If someone wrote those to me, I would have picked up phone apologized, sent an apology letter, made it right. Truly made right. Not just angry note back then silent treatment.

Person was also mad I went to my Pastor about soon to be divorce for help and Pastor said my friends silent treatment is abuse. I mentioned in letter could we just be friends, forgive, love and move forward I didn't want silent treatment. I didn't go to talk about them ( and told them that) went in for support for my kids and self. I am a very private person, never want to bring drama or bother anyone. I told Pastor one of my main supports was gone and giving silent that was why I was there.

So last contact from them 2 months, from myself email and phone message 1 month to no response.

Sorry hope this answers what you were looking for. Appreciate any insight or help. I am truly hurting over this and now going to Cardiologist of all things... .

[Lilyroze]

By the way am thankful for what I have read, and all helping me to remember and deal with the fact silent treatment is abuse. I need to deal with this in my healing and face it. I need to remember each time I want to forgive when happens. Have no problem forgiving, forgetting and moving forward. Do want the person to see what they are doing, so doesn't keep happening. If even chance for that now, as well silent again... .LOL sigh

[formflier]

OK... .talk to me about business relationship.  Is it a partnership?

Please don't do anything yet... .but my idea is to reach out, via mail and ask for help with business.  Perhaps ask for written response if anything is owed. 


You can make clear that your desire is to communicate, but if no response is forthcoming that you will be sad, but will respect the other party's wishes.  At that you remain open to communication in the future.

Goal:  Put ball in their court... .don't debate things.  State your desire and feelings (succinctly), be clear you value the r/s (but don't go overboard)... .and that above all else.  You will respect the other persons desires.

That's very general.  Anyway... .tell me about what you need to get into and can't.  How much $$ is this stuff worth. 

FF

[Lilyroze]

Thanks FF,

Great advice as usual.

With chance of contracts I have and business evaluation we are talking up to 100,000 I could lose if I don't get into all I need to.

 To be fair person is good person, much more technical then me, but doesn't put value on these things. Did send me some things can't get into them, and well, would need some time with them to get all this. Willing to even pay for their time.

Didn't do the guilt as that is not me and let them know what I stand to lose, or my health. They are adults they should be kind enough to extend a hand, take my apology when I wasn't the one to do it.

I am so hurt now today really analyzing this. Yet the person will go on to be kind to the family using them ( again get that and is fine and well but I went above and beyond for  8 years and never used). Will uplift and research all day long for strangers on the net ( again good we all do, but not to the extent of hurting those we love or care about). While giving me silent treatment for months... .it is BS now that I am thinking about it... .hurt angry and well just torn up to realize they will talk next day to family who blanks them over, and uses. Sit and nit pick me to strangers or help strangers while I gave 8 years ( while giving me silent or telling me they were doing other things). Sorry for rant or repeat just facing all this what a shamble of a mess...

 I am not perfect, but tried to always be humble, kind, thankful, build them up, do for them, send gifts, appreciations and tried to never bring drama. Forgave easy, brought laughter daily and would always reach out first apologize if I was wrong or not... .

Do have to say though all that aside. Had a really rough day, when someone made me confront the betrayal and boundary as well as lie today.

 I know the person is a dear friend, I did and do love, was willing to forgive. But have had to realize do they really comprehend the loyalty and trust I had with them? I am not a BPD but did value them, trust, uplifted, helped with their family situations ( as well as they mine), but was honest and true for 8 years, had them on a pedestal as a dear friend for years ( not the unreal or idolizing devaluing of BPD but true) Truly valued, and made them believe in themselves again, get past their family or bad relationship in past etc. . TO THIS again... .

I am in tears now, really facing the truth. I guess I can fool myself and if they talk to me again, stuff in all down in my heart, forgive as I always do. Use my standby I am a Christian, or live from my heart we are all not perfect and forgive forget, be humble, no ego. To what? Betrayal? It is finally hitting me today! I am broken hearted to realize unless they really make the effort this time, really see the damage they did. I am just well... .I have been a fool

Just in tears and angry and that is not me. I usually am the optimist, kind and just live let live. No judgment, but reality etc.

[formflier]

   


Take today to feel what you are feeling.  Please be deliberate about being kind to yourself today. 

Take an extra walk... .do something just for you that you have been putting off. 

I'll come back later with some ideas.  Perhaps might even wait till tomorrow.

Sometimes we nons rush past feelings to get to fixing.  I urge you to feel and experience your feelings.

Remember those feelings when it is time to talk about your boundaries... .and your value to you !

FF

[Lilyroze]

Thank you FF, I am doing just that right now. Trying to process everything. So much more hurt then I have really wanted to recognize.

 In the process of my self healing & transformation, I am trying to have self compassion and love now, as well as for my friend. I will find the joy and gratitude in the day, go forward and honor those that love being in my life. I did get a beautiful card from someone today and that brought so much joy I will concentrate on that.

You are right I need to work through this pain and not bury it or dismiss it like I usually did in past. My heart and love matters, I don't need to subject myself to certain things.

[formflier]

 
I'm not saying don't think about your friend at all... .but make sure it is very minimal. 

Your friend has made a choice about how to behave.  The most loving thing you can do is respect it.


FF

[Lilyroze]

I'm not saying don't think about your friend at all... .but make sure it is very minimal. 

Your friend has made a choice about how to behave.  The most loving thing you can do is respect it.


FF

Yes exactly! Thank you that is what I was thinking over night. Will have compassion, but is up to them. They have the choice how to treat me, the real key is I have the choice now what to accept. Will I just put all that aside again when they make no effort to contact or see my hurt. True test for me.

I do love and care, will have compassion, will forgive and hope to move forward. Now I realize I can't fix it, make them love me, want to care. I can accept that, with grace. Tears but grace for now

I like you want to be whole, help, fix and try. I will now await them to see where they are in their journey and see if they can now be the one to make amends. My door will be open, but not for silent treatment anymore. That will eventually close sooner then later.

Thanks FF.

Thanks to all who helped me face, process this, and realize it is abuse. No two words about it. Now up to me. I have taken from a few in my life. Will I stop the abuse and self abuse by thinking I need to take what others wouldn't to make a friendship thrive?

[Lilyroze]

[Circle]

Hang in there Lilyroze,
Hope you are doing okay. I'm going to be away from internet for a while. So, I won't be able to reply. Just want you to know that I understand how rough what you are going through is. And, that I'm thinking about you.

[Lilyroze]

Hang in there Lilyroze,
Hope you are doing okay. I'm going to be away from internet for a while. So, I won't be able to reply. Just want you to know that I understand how rough what you are going through is. And, that I'm thinking about you.

Thank you so much Circle. That means so much to me, you have no idea. I really appreciate the other post you gave me, your support and caring. I appreciate. I hope all is OK with you while you are away. Keep in touch.

   

[JQ]

Hello Lilyroze,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the things that you are. But you seem to have some great insight & education into this Very Serious Behavioral & Cluster B Mental Illness. You've received some great advice and guidance from the group here too as well as giving them some insight at the same time.

As you have probably learned already, part of the Cluster B Mental Illness of BPD, is that the pwBPD acts out & at times has the behavior of a 3 year old toddler. This happens for the most part due in part of environmental & biological. A person with BPD will be stunted at the toddler behavior level. They have never learned or were incapable of learning how to deal with different types of feeling. They rage like a 3 yr old when they don't get their way. They tend to pout when you try to correct or give them insight of their behavior which in turns leads to severe & intense feelings of guilt, anger, etc. What does a parent do when their 3 year old acts out in a negative manner? They put them in a timeout in the corner & tell them to think about the "bad thing" they did & until the parent tells them they can come out of the time out corner. This is a form of punishment from the parent to the child to correct a bad behavior.

I would point out your first post and what you wrote, "Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done."  Now as you point out, it is a way to punish or manipulate YOU because in the BPD eyes you were bad or behaved badly. You might not have done one thing wrong, but in the BPD eyes you did and frankly as we've all come to learn that is all that is needed.

SO your BPD has put you in a time out until they believe you've learned your lesson and they the BPD aka "Parent" has told you it's ok to talk again. Mine exBPDgf did it to me quite a bit and until I learned this I took it personal. Its a learned behavior for them, it's the only thing they know in their world of behavior and there is nothing I, you or others can do to change or "modify" their behavior for the most part.

Yes there stories out there that say they've had "success" with some behavioral modification. It depends on your definition of "success", but there is no cure that I've either read about, heard about from the mental health field. There is only behavioral acceptance and modifying of the NON behavior to not trigger or attempt to defuse the situation. Validation skills, I use this constantly on my step mother in order to have any conversation with her.

There is nothing you can say or do that will speed up the process. Much like the parent who has put the child in time out to think about their behavior.  Until you are released from your time out I would heed the guidance of those in the group to Take Care Of Yourself.  Start eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep and finding a good therapist who is very well acquainted with BPD & Codependent r/s to help you sort through your thoughts & feelings. Most will testify that this key for you to move forward.  

Let go your BPD for now and live your life and like other have said, they will reach out to you when you least expect it & begin to reengage you, to paint you white. When that happens the work you've done on yourself will better prepare you to handle the situation with your new found skills and strengths on your communication, validation BPD skills.

Take a deep breath Lilyroze, things are going to get better. This group, this forum is proof of that. There are a lot of those of us who have been where you are and experienced what you have and we're stronger, better for it. WE've read, learned and educated ourselves not only about BPD, but more importantly about ourselves and why we became a codependent in the first place.  We found the tools to help ourselves and to be examples and mentors to others who have come to a crossroads in their life.

We'll be here to hold out a  hand to help you up on your journey when you stumble ... .and trust me you will stumble. WE all have, but someone here in the group held out a hand, pulled us up then it was up to us to choose the next path to walk on our journey.

Peace

J

[Lilyroze]

  All

Dear Circle,

Thank you. See when you reached out the other day to tell me you would be off, I cried ( hard to admit but must face). When you reached out again tonight to send other poster this way I cried. Why? Because you knew and seem to know, I would feel hurt if posted and  you weren't here. Not because anyone owes me, or is responsible this thread is helping me so much and triggering my pain and hurt. Hurt over the silent treatment that my Best friend is giving, has given before, and what my Mom has done. I need and am healing this. So thank you so much my friend. Hugs and love to you. I am sorry you are going through as well.

Dear Hopeful Dad,

Thank you for reaching out, your posts really helped me face it. I need to hear it from others the abuse to help me face it. I need to see it, and face it for what it is.

Dear FF,

As usual   great advice.

Dear JQ,

You really touched my heart and will write more to you tomorrow need to process all you have said, really need to face this. Crying again, it is just beyond me to hurt someone this way though understand.

My friend walks away from people and has, not sure they will reach out. I always did, which doesn't bother me who reaches out, we went back to ourselves. But well don't want to impose, nor take abuse, nor be in a friendship they can't seem to make an effort for now. All aside I did reach out many times to pure rejection. Need to think more through.

Any more thoughts all I appreciate as I need to really keep facing this. As Circle seems to intuitively know if it drops off, I won't heal, I will cry and stuff it down as I always had to for my Mom and friend.

More tomorrow.     to all of you truly. tears are from my heart breaking. Hear it cracking?

[Lilyroze]

Love under some of these circumstances = Walking willingly into a war zone wielding only a feather and waving a paper armor shield , blowing kisses and sending love. Sigh