Silence...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I had reached out to her last week to say happy bDay.  No response at all and I feel awful for even trying.  It has been over four weeks now with NC and I thought I'd feel better.  Clearly she isn't cycling back this time and I need to move on.  I'm dating other people, but she still haunts my every thought.   

Does anyone have any advice?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I had reached out to her last week to say happy bDay.  No response at all and I feel awful for even trying.  It has been over four weeks now with NC and I thought I'd feel better.  Clearly she isn't cycling back this time and I need to move on.  I'm dating other people, but she still haunts my every thought.   

Does anyone have any advice?

[Rayban]

Been there SheAskedFora.

I still think about her everyday.  It's been 2 weeks of no contact for me, and I know that if I do try to phone or text message her, I will be handing her the power and energy boost to refuse answering me.

I understand that holidays and birthdays are especially difficult.  In the end its probably best to remember why the relationship didn't work, and more importantly concentrate that energy into the new people you are dating.

This will just bring me back to an endless loop of wondering about the 1001 reasons why she hasn't.  This brings about negative feelings and regret.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Thank you Rayban.  I have used this site before and I was amazed by how much support I had gotten when another BPD relationship failed.  This time, new relationship with a different woman, I have gotten very few responses.  I feel like I need someone to talk with who understands, but many of the members are so indifferent about my situation it seems.

Regardless I know what you have said is the best course of action.  I just want to move on, going back will just result in a repeat of the same cycle.  She could get help and do the extensive work she needs to do, but it is unlikely she will as it stands today.  Maybe one day I'll hear from her and she'll be managing her illness... .  As of today she's someone who refuses talk therapy and won't stay on her prescribed meds.  If nothing changes she will never be a good partner for me.  Very few will accept her as she is in this state.

[Skip]

If nothing changes she will never be a good partner for me.  Very few will accept her as she is in this state.

Four weeks is a long time, but it may not be the end of the relationship for her.

You point out correctly that if she doesn't change, she will never be a good partner for you. Is the opposite also true?

I had reached out to her last week to say happy bDay.

That's hard.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Skip, I'll admit it.  I am not perfect.  I want to be and I know my heart is perfectly full of love for her.  I love her.  I can't imagine my life without a partner that made me feel the way she did.  I'd have done anything for her, but she can't just pick up and break contact for weeks at a time and expect me or anyone else to be ok with that.  Someone might be fine with that, but I am not that person.  I would wonder if someone were fine watching her walk away again and again are they really in love with her? 

Here's to loving our imperfect selves. 

[Skip]

but she can't just pick up and break contact for weeks at a time and expect me or anyone else to be ok with that. 

No doubt. What were you hoping would happen with the letter? It sounds like you might be willing to forgive.

I'm not saying you should. I am saying be true to yourself. If you want to reconcile, then maybe you should look at your side or the street during the break. Worse thing that could happen is you could better your relationship skills. 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Skip I am constantly trying to better myself and understand my emotions.  I am in therapy, I ready relationship books that my T suggests, and she feels I do a great job applying my new skills and knowledge.  I'm ready to be someone's husband my friend.  I've got my life on track and am willing to help someone else do the same so we can be a great couple.  I'll admit I do have a flaw that I still struggle with.  When I see things going down the tubes I'll write it off before I give someone a chance to hurt me.  But I took her back three times and didn't end it any of the last two times. This break up is on her and she has to come to me at this point.  She told me I scared her by simply stopping by after a fight.  I had been to her house a couple of dozen times. 

Honestly I sent her the happy bday text, not a letter, so she would know it's safe to contact me when/if she is ready.  I didn't expect a response, yet I feel foolish for doing so.  It is very difficult for me to be vulnerable.  That's what I'm tackling at this time.

What would you suggest my friend?

[badenergytroll]

What would you suggest my friend?

Take your life back and start dating someone else!

[Skip]

It is very difficult for me to be vulnerable. That's what I'm tackling at this time. What would you suggest my friend?

Be OK with it. She got it. It was a nice sentiment. Try not to feel need to force anything.

[Rayban]

It is very difficult for me to be vulnerable. That's what I'm tackling at this time. What would you suggest my friend?

Be OK with it. She got it. It was a nice sentiment. Try not to feel need to force anything.

That's sound advice.  Wishing her happy birthday,  came from a good place.  You'meant well, and that's what should be important... Maybe she isn't ready at this point to respond. 

I suppose it also depends on how bad the break up was. You might have triggered some emotions that she's uncabable or not equipped to handle  at this point.  The worse thing you can do right now, is try contacting her again. In the mean time go about your life. It's truly the only thing you can control.   

[Hopefulgirl]

I feel for you SheAskedForaBreak.
When you love someone the silent treatment is so awful, you feel powerless to make it better. In my experience, when I got the silent treatment, in my mind Im thinking that he knows I miss him, knows I love him, knows its hurting me, but says nothing anyway? Its just seems cruel. My BPD friend did it to me frequently and I can tell you that he never saw it as cruel. Mentioning the hurt it caused made him angry.

But what Ive learned is that the person with BPD is always in control, whether its with a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a friendship. She has to contact you on her own terms.
I dont think it was foolish to contact her about her Birthday, that's what normal people do! Ball is in her court.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I'm so blown away by the support I've gotten here.  I know she was in an abusive relationship in the past.  This, I'm certain, has made her over react to my attempts to resolve a fight we had four weeks ago.  All of my intentions have been sincere and heartfelt, but she is viewing everything through the lens of her past.

This coupled with the fact that she needs to be on meds and in therapy make it impossible for her to maintain a healthy relationship at this time.  She may find a replacement, but it won't work.  Either the new person won't care for her and she'll be hurt or she'll push them away because they pull one of her many triggers.  I'm fortunate, I'm healthy and happy.  I miss her a great deal, but it is time to move on.  I felt good about saying happy bday, but I know I can't say another word to her unless she initiates contact. 

Thank you all for your help here!  I'm sure I'll be back for some more support in the near future.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

My BPD friend did it to me frequently and I can tell you that he never saw it as cruel. Mentioning the hurt it caused made him angry.

That's an interesting observation.  When I expressed anything about how she was falling short as a gf she would separate from me, saying she needed "time" to understand her own feelings.  This could be a few days to a few weeks.  Honestly, who would want a partner that does that?  

"But what Ive learned is that the person with BPD is always in control, whether its with a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a friendship. She has to contact you on her own terms.  I dont think it was foolish to contact her about her Birthday, that's what normal people do! Ball is in her court."

This is absolutely correct.  I'll be strong and if I hear from her we could possibly be friends, but I understand it won't be like my other friendships.  It will always be on her terms.  This is how she treats her family as well.  It isn't me, it's her.  I won't take ownership of her issues and behavior.