Pang, then trigger

[steelwork]

I just need to put this somewhere.

I have been missing him really badly. Just thinking about him all the time. Back and forth, back and forth on how it never would have worked and I dodged a bullet and my mind is playing tricks on me and if he cared one iota about me, I mean, as a human being, he would have tried to mend fences by now. And then thinking, what if he's waiting for me to reach out? What if he's too ashamed to do it?

I'm out of town, staying by myself in a remote place so I can get some work done. I'm 1,000 miles from where either of us lives. I need to concentrate.

Well, I unfriended him on facebook pretty much right away, and he hardly posted there anyhow, but I'm still FB friends with his brother. His brother just posted that the whole family is vacationing about 20 miles from where I am right now. He said, "enjoying x city with the kids, my mom, and my brother."

I'm burning with the desire to write to my ex and say, "Hey, saw you were here, what a coincidence!"

Also noting that there's nothing about my replacement in the post. Is she here, too? If not, what does it mean?

Confession: I spent about 20 minutes earlier today googling around to see if my replacement's current address is still in his town. I keep thinking maybe they've broken up.

ARGHHHH


I could use some support, friends.

[steelwork]

Not to get all supernatural about it but it's like my body knew he was nearby.

[fromheeltoheal]

Not to get all supernatural about it but it's like my body knew he was nearby.

Not so weird really, we have senses we don't fully understand.  And here's an opportunity: you got 1000 miles away to get some work done, turns out he's not 1000 miles away, and you get to decide what that means.  So you could stick to your original plan, concentrate, and ramp it up a notch since you know he's semi-local, good practice at focus and discipline yes?  And cyberstalking the replacement might not be helping your detachment, no judgement, just sayin'... .

Take care of you!

[steelwork]

Thank you. It's crazy how I started longing for some kind of contact with him and then found out he's here. In "regular life," we live a couple hundred miles apart.

I'm imagining myself succeeding at this work I'm doing, and him having to hear about how good a job I did. (Which, if I do, he will.) I guess that sounds pretty childish, but I'm kind of grasping for anything right now.

And cyberstalking the replacement might not be helping your detachment, no judgement, just sayin'... .

Understatement! I'd managed to almost eliminate this, but it's come roaring back.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm imagining myself succeeding at this work I'm doing, and him having to hear about how good a job I did. (Which, if I do, he will.) I guess that sounds pretty childish, but I'm kind of grasping for anything right now.

And you doing good work, regardless of the motivation, is you taking care of yourself.  It's important to take care of ourselves very well as we detach, and if you keep doing it, you'll detach faster and come out the other side healthier.

[Ahoy]

Thank you. It's crazy how I started longing for some kind of contact with him and then found out he's here. In "regular life," we live a couple hundred miles apart.

I'm imagining myself succeeding at this work I'm doing, and him having to hear about how good a job I did. (Which, if I do, he will.) I guess that sounds pretty childish, but I'm kind of grasping for anything right now.

And cyberstalking the replacement might not be helping your detachment, no judgement, just sayin'... .

Understatement! I'd managed to almost eliminate this, but it's come roaring back.

What Heel said, just remember not to feel too shameful about this, be proud you almost made it a non-factor, unfortunately it's become an issue again but its something you acknowledge and will begin improving on =)

Take care!

[Larmoyant]

Hi Steelworks, I know exactly what this feels like. In fact, reading this makes me miss my ex! I'd say just go with the flow, feel the feelings, ask yourself what's beneath your desire to reach out. Those feelings will pass, as painful as they are. I've been practising this and it seems to work. 

[steelwork]

Hey Larmoyant,

I see you're going through a lot of heavy stuff, and I feel for you. Thanks for responding.

... .ask yourself what's beneath your desire to reach out.

So many ways to answer this question, but I'll choose 2:

1. I want to mend fences. It breaks my heart that we ended so terribly.

2. This is something I read being said about pwBPD: that they reach out to see if there is still an attachment. Well, I think that applies to me in this case. I want to know if there's still an attachment. I'm not entirely free of some of those traits myself, I guess. I have my own abandonment issues!

[heartandwhole]

Hi steelwork 

1. I want to mend fences. It breaks my heart that we ended so terribly.

Well, maybe the supernatural thing works both ways: you could mend the fences in your heart and mind and he may "feel" it, too.    You could also write a fence-mending letter and not send it, or save it until you feel the time is right.

2. I want to know if there's still an attachment.

You to him, or him to you?    If you mean does he still want you or miss you, what will knowing that change for you?

I can very much relate to your feelings, steelwork; they are so normal and understandable. It's difficult, and I admire your honest sharing and willingness to look at your stuff. You are doing great work! Keep digging into yourself and you will find a gold mine that satisfies like nothing your ex could offer.  

[steelwork]

2. I want to know if there's still an attachment.

You to him, or him to you?    If you mean does he still want you or miss you, what will knowing that change for you?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it will help me put what happened between us in a "bittersweet memories" box instead of tossing it onto the trauma pile?

I can very much relate to your feelings, steelwork; they are so normal and understandable. It's difficult, and I admire your honest sharing and willingness to look at your stuff. You are doing great work!

Thanks very much for saying so. What else can I do? I've got to spend the rest of my life with myself.

[steelwork]

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it will help me put what happened between us in a "bittersweet memories" box instead of tossing it onto the trauma pile?

That didn't make sense, did it? Let me dig for a truer answer.

It would soothe my narcissistic wounds.
It would make me feel like there was a possibility it had all been real and could be again.

[heartandwhole]

It would soothe my narcissistic wounds.

Yes, that makes perfect sense. And when the beloved is not around, or can't, or doesn't want to... .who's left to soothe your wounds?

It would make me feel like there was a possibility it had all been real and could be again.

It was real. You experienced what you experienced and there is no changing that fact. And do you want everything again? Knowing what you know now? If your answer is yes, then that's what it is and you can go with it and I'd be the first to cheer you on.

It is so human and normal to long for that comfort again... .the comfort of knowing that we are okay, that we are loved. I think if we can embrace that longing with open arms and a compassionate heart, just be with it, then the need to "do something" about it transforms into an openness and curiosity about what it is to love and to be ourselves. And we can still do something about it if we choose! But then we are coming from a place of acceptance instead of lack.

You are not alone in your feelings, steelwork. 

heartandwhole