Stressed, Emotionally Drained & Confused

[cac3232]

Glad I found this site to gain some support and perspective on my situation.  Approximately 8-9 months ago I became super close with an employee of mine. Despite our age differences (I'm 37, she's 24), we hit it off immediately - always staying late to talk about work and life in general.  It wasn't long before we started hanging outside of the office - happy hours, concerts, games, her coming over for dinner.  Despite her being in a long distance relationship, she admitted to being super comfortable around me.  Every time she came over to my place to hang out, we would cuddle on the couch.  Although she would drop hints occasionally, we never got intimate (my choice).  We would text all the time including late at night.  The weekends she would spend with her boyfriend, I would often get texts from her saying "I miss you."  When I'd do something for her (bring her coffee, record her favorite tv show, etc) she would text me heart emojis, kissy face emojis, etc.  After returning from a long weekend trip to Mexico with her boyfriend for a wedding, things changed.  She no longer would come over to my place, the texting slowed down considerably but she would still come home for lunch with me then play with my puppy.  Fast forward a few months later when her actions and behaviors toward me started to change.  I experienced the push/pull phase, devaluation, being ignored, etc.  I do not know if she has been diagnosed with BPD but everything I've read leads me to believe she does.  She has been treated for depression and suicidal in her past.  Being her boss, everyday is a rollercoaster for me.  I'm stressed 24/7 and emotionally drained from constantly thinking about her.  On top of that I believe I'm in love with her.  I miss hanging out and being close to her.  I'm confused whether she really does have feelings for me or if it's just the BPD.  Thought and advice are appreciated!

Sidenote - I've made an appointment next week for myself to go see a therapist.  I need to start taking care of myself.   

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[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY cac3232   

Fast forward a few months later when her actions and behaviors toward me started to change.  I experienced the push/pull phase, devaluation, being ignored, etc. . .

Being her boss, everyday is a rollercoaster for me.  I'm stressed 24/7 and emotionally drained from constantly thinking about her.  On top of that I believe I'm in love with her.  

Sounds like you are in a bad situation.  A romantic relationship with a coworker is ill advised, but a romantic relationship between boss and employee is a recipe for disaster.  Even if you are the owner of a small business, it is still a problem.  Boundaries in a work situation are important, unless you want to lose your job or get sued.  If nothing else, this type of interaction detracts from productivity in the work place and takes away from your objectivity in dealing with an employee.  

The current situation with her ignoring you is an opportunity to enforce an immediate boundary, and assume what should be a healthy boss/employee relationship.   

Sidenote - I've made an appointment next week for myself to go see a therapist.  I need to start taking care of myself.  

Glad to hear that you are seeking some therapy and that you have realized that you need to take care of yourself.  A good therapist can help you work through this and see all the red flags about this relationship and hopefully help you to detatch from her in a healthy way.

The fantasy eventually wears off and never matches the reality. Might she think of you as a father figure?

Sounds like you have had some fun times together, but do you really know her?  Good looks and sexual attraction can't carry a relationship over the long run.  If she is BPD or has tenancies of BPD, then that would come out in the long run and make your life miserable.  I'm thinking that most people wished they got out of a BPD romantic relationship before it got too involved and messy.  Better to spend money on a nice vacation instead of a lawyer.

[cac3232]

So I became close and developed strong feelings for an employee of mine who I suspect has BPD. She just notified me today that she is resigning from her position and will be moving away. I know this will undoubtedly help me move on from her. I feel as though I'll need more closure though. What is everyone's thoughts on us hanging out and talking a night before she leaves?

[Naughty Nibbler]

If you feel you need one last social situation with her, the safest bet would be to take her out to some public place for lunch or perhaps to dinner, after work. 

In view of all the details, having her over to your place is probably not a good idea.  If that would be your plan, you need to ask yourself why?