What did yours do to make it look Iike you were mentally ill?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

2,5 years out of my relationship I realise that my BPD/NPD ex tried to drive me over the edge of sanity. And still uses clever ways to make it look like I am the one who is mentally ill.

1. She got a family friend (clinical psychologist) to try and diagnose me with NPD and other disorders. Then spread rumours that he had diagnosed me. She even told the family advocate that I was diagnosed. When I sent him an affidavit asking for him to confirm the affidavit and the basis of his diagnosis, he said "Stop Harassing me"

2. Constantly sends the police around to my residence and has filed 5 Domestic Violence applications. None of which have been passed by a judge.

3. Constantly tells people that I "am not not of sound mind"

It's hard to tell if she is deliberately projecting, or really believes it.

What did or does yours do?

[Moselle]

2,5 years out of my relationship I realise that my BPD/NPD ex tried to drive me over the edge of sanity. And still uses clever ways to make it look like I am the one who is mentally ill.

1. She got a family friend (clinical psychologist) to try and diagnose me with NPD and other disorders. Then spread rumours that he had diagnosed me. She even told the family advocate that I was diagnosed. When I sent him an affidavit asking for him to confirm the affidavit and the basis of his diagnosis, he said "Stop Harassing me"

2. Constantly sends the police around to my residence and has filed 5 Domestic Violence applications. None of which have been passed by a judge.

3. Constantly tells people that I "am not not of sound mind"

It's hard to tell if she is deliberately projecting, or really believes it.

What did or does yours do?

[joeramabeme]

Hey Moselle
I think you nailed it with your comment about projection.  I am surprised that she is still around after all that time, do you have shared custody?

I was involved with a marital T that would never address the elephant in the room.  I could go on and on about this, but the short version is that my ex told me I was projecting my Mother fears on to her.  Anytime I tried to get to a place of understanding with her, this card was played and reinforced with a T (who was a doctorate) that wouldn't address simple things like her abusive behaviors.

Good thing you are here to get grounded.

JRB

[Moselle]

, do you have shared custody?

I was involved with a marital T that would never address the elephant in the room.  I could go on and on about this, but the short version is that my ex told me I was projecting my Mother fears on to her.  Anytime I tried to get to a place of understanding with her, this card was played and reinforced with a T (who was a doctorate) that wouldn't address simple things like her abusive behaviors.

Hey JRB , thanks for your comments.

I am closing out my settlement this week after the long fight. Will agree 50/50.

Sounds like yours is highly functioning too. It's dangerous once they develop the vocabulary of recovery like 'projection', 'mommy issues' etc. They use it so cleverly to turn and blame others.

Mine has recruited a veritable army of churchgoers and other gullible folk who are taken by her razzle dazzle. They enable her and provide resources

Heck, I was fooled for 15 years  

I'm alive and I am away from her. There is much to be grateful for!

[SES]

Mine told loads of people I was suicidal... .police, children's services, the school, work, family and friends... .despite her being the one who threatened suicide and spending 3 months with a mental health crisis service. 

I also felt she tried to push me to the edge... .threats to kill, assaults, threats re kids, threats re finances, false accusations, police, arrests, goading... .

Limited contact has helped a lot. Reduces risk of arrest or allegations.  She still alleges loads... .but easier to ignore if she is at arms length.

Like a previous post... .I'm glad to be alive, sane... .and it has taken a long time... .but relieved to be away from her.    Fifteen years together... .what was I thinking?

[Larmoyant]

My ex came to pick me up once, was so happy to see me as I was him. Ten minutes later, in his car, he switched and started accusing me of wanting other men, a manager in a bar who’d fleetingly spoken to me the previous week, perfectly innocent conversation. Big deep breath because 'oh no, here we go again', I tried to placate him. Didn’t work and before I knew it he was screeching back to my place because he ‘couldn’t do this anymore’.  I was heartbroken. An hour later he was back at my door saying I needed psychological help. I’m unwell, but he loved me too much to stay away and would go to counselling with me to support me! 2 years later I need that counselling. I am now mentally ill! Clinical depression is tough.

[JSF13]

I am so happy to see this post right now. Mine told me I have NPD and my ADHD was unmanageable. Told everyone I was the crazy one. Also said I was a sex addict, cheater, liar etc. My T had to stop seeing my ex and I together (Couples therapy). It wasn't until after we split did he explain to me I was not at all any of the things she said I was. The projection was so bad I actually believed at points that I was the things she said and temporarily went crazy due to how toxic my ex is. I am 9 months out of my relationship and recently dating a great woman who turns out to be a psychologist. After spending a lot of time together she has assured me I am not at all any of the things my ex projected onto me. My ex continues to contact me via email as it is her only way to contact me anywhere from daily to weekly to which I don't reply and haven't for a long time. I did lose friends and her manipulations are so good that she did acquire some of the people I am no longer friends with as her friends now.

I still have my struggles daily from the 2 yrs we were together. I have some serious PTSD that I work through and I am very thankful for the new woman in my life and her patience to work with me through the abuse I lived through. Today I guess I'm just happy to be alive. My ex has a very violent past that her father has helped her cover up and so she has never been caught for any of the things she did

[Moselle]

I'm a bit shocked to read all your responses. It's like one of these psychological thrillers, where a devious psychotic spouse sets out to destroy the other's reputation, career and life through lies, intrigue, and deception.

I can relate to all of your posts in a very personal way.

It's our job to ensure that we go from victim, to survivor to thriver, despite these disordered people's intentions.

Reframe and refocus our lives to a greater and brighter future than before. The best response to them is to live a great life.

[Wize]

My stbx BPD wife would deliberately and regularly provoke the hell out me. Get me completely flabbergasted to the point that I would tell her to shut the f#ck up and even yell.  She would do this so that she could sit back in her smugness and say to herself "see, I'm not the crazy one, I'm not the violent one, he is."

[Turkish]

When I was 13, my mother (whom I found out when I was 18 had depression,  42 when she admitted to BPD, then 44 when she admitted that during my childhood she was in therapy for PTSD) took us to family counseling,  but abandoned me after one appointment.  Those were the worst years as she spiraled our life out of control.  We were periodically homeless. Living in a camper was an upgrade.  25 years later she asked me out of the blue,  "did I ever tell you what that therapist I took you to when you were 13 said about you?" No (trying to suppress my anger.  "He said that you were one of the most well adjusted young men he'd ever met." I didn't say anything,  but thought,  that would have helped to know that at the time.  

My ex tried to send me to a couples' communication class by myself.  At the end,  she,  like my mom did almost 30 years before, abandoned me in couples' counseling after one appointment.  Unlike when I was a child,  and knew the T would tell my mom things so I never talked about my mom,  but myself, I knew it was confidential.  Thus,  I took ownership of my own therapy.

When she was still living with me,  she would relate the conversations she had about me with some of her friends,  as if I weren't "in the room" so to speak.  It was shocking.  I relayed them to my T who said they were maybe 15% truth mixed with distortions and disordered thinking.  

When she was still living here I found a way to retrieve some of the messages are was writing her paramour,  now H. Like:

"T [Turkish] has been nicer to me lately.  I think the therapy is really helping him.  I better understand why he is the way he is and have compassion for him.  But I still don't love him."

It wasn't the therapy as much as being here and using the detaching tools, and some of the Improving tools to reduce conflict.  

[myself]

She said couples therapy would help save our relationship and that me setting it up and following through would prove my commitment. Then she didn't attend any of the appointments and, when I went by myself, used it against me saying I was the 'crazy' one because I was seeing a therapist.

[JSF13]

Have any of you seen "Gone Girl"? My pwBPDex would brag to our T's and others how she thought that girl was genius and found her to be incredible. Looking back it blows my mind how she manipulated me and others and still does.

[married21years]

hi

she trotted out my past played the victim and convinced the local community i had the mental problems while sleeping with half the men

two married, one was her best friends husband

then blamed the breakup of the marriage on me leaving her for another woman

i had been discarded and i was moving on

you cant make this up 

[Dutched]

ExHFBPDw for yrs. visited the family doctor. Exw couldn’t coop with it anymore.
All my fault, making up stories and blaming incidents on me which exw herself did.

At a certain point I needed help. So exw was right… I was mentally ill…
So at one appointment I took my diaries (so strange, as I started that shortly after I met her) to my P.
Then he told me  ‘you are married with a Drama Queen’.    That’s how I learned about Cluster B

Later after an incident I went to my family doctor and took part of my diaries with me. With my gained knowledge and that of what discussed with my P, I confronted him with these facts and how he felt of being manipulated by exw for many yrs, how he felt to diminish my problems. 

Exw was sent to a psychiatrist, refused (of course), shouting ‘There is nothing wrong with me!’ and kept blaming me. 
PwBPD are known for a rigid way of thinking as they deeply transformed feelings into facts.

Exw broke up in one of those typical uncontrollable outbursts and left  ‘temporarily’… , some yrs. ago now.
Of course blaming me for all.
Of course blaming me for the outcome of that divorce, forgetting her signature under the settlement…

Despite all the loss, Karma seems to exists.
ExHFBPDw madly in love (of course) with a 65-70 yr. old Mr. Onslow (UK TV-character) type, who left the UK for her at his age… so found his last love and a nurse with a purse

[married21years]

ExHFBPDw for yrs. visited the family doctor. Exw couldn’t coop with it anymore.
All my fault, making up stories and blaming incidents on me which exw herself did.

At a certain point I needed help. So exw was right… I was mentally ill…
So at one appointment I took my diaries (so strange, as I started that shortly after I met her) to my P.
Then he told me  ‘you are married with a Drama Queen’.    That’s how I learned about Cluster B

Later after an incident I went to my family doctor and took part of my diaries with me. With my gained knowledge and that of what discussed with my P, I confronted him with these facts and how he felt of being manipulated by exw for many yrs, how he felt to diminish my problems. 

Exw was sent to a psychiatrist, refused (of course), shouting ‘There is nothing wrong with me!’ and kept blaming me. 
PwBPD are known for a rigid way of thinking as they deeply transformed feelings into facts.

Exw broke up in one of those typical uncontrollable outbursts and left  ‘temporarily’… , some yrs. ago now.
Of course blaming me for all.
Of course blaming me for the outcome of that divorce, forgetting her signature under the settlement…

Despite all the loss, Karma seems to exists.
ExHFBPDw madly in love (of course) with a 65-70 yr. old Mr. Onslow (UK TV-character) type, who left the UK for her at his age… so found his last love and a nurse with a purse

haha so familiar

she wants a 64 yo living in a retirement home and not a pot to piss in

look like mario from nintendo short fat balding

she is 41

haha good luck please take her away!

[gotbushels]

  Moselle I don't have anything exciting but she was constantly poking around and trying to make me doubt my own self-esteem. There were many times where I thought about how grateful I was that I didn't take such things personally, as her bf before me got stuck for 4 years. If she broke my self-esteem I don't know how long I would have been stuck in there. I understand that people with lower self-esteem are more likely to be locked into the caretaker role. I definitely count this as a huge, huge, huge, massive blessing.

She kept saying I was a big weirdo to her friends, but notably, I don't recall her friends validating her almost at all when she said such things. I read that as a good sign for me. It did disturb me when her friends seemed really used to the violence, almost as though it was her "normal".

  Turkish that sounds brutal. Maybe she didn't tell you how okay you were at 13 because that would mean you're more stable than her. She would then lose any a good amount of "control" and "authority" she might be trying to lord over you. It would also expose that you were being defaulted into parent mode upon your own parent. That's brutal. I'm with you on that one. People sometimes look at me funny when I talk about parenting my own parent. I assumed everyone did it as surely as we breathe air.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine tells other people that I am a "psycho stalker" and collects "evidence" to prove it.  One of these days he will probably try to get a PPO to make his dreams a reality.  He checks my whereabouts online 2-3x per day and documents my online actions in a Word file he mails to me when he's feeling like accusing me with "evidence."

[joeramabeme]

He checks my whereabouts online 2-3x per day and documents my online actions in a Word file he mails to me when he's feeling like accusing me with "evidence."

This reminded me of something very early on in my marriage.  I was cleaning and accidentally knocked her journal on to the floor.  The page was open and I couldn't help but look.  It was pages/months of entries starting with; "I am angry at JRB because  . . . ". 

All of the "because's" were really petty things like; leaving the toilet seat up or not closing the garage or thinking I locked the door to make her have to unlock it etc.  I was really astonished and baffled.  I did not know what to think and assumed that this must be what people journal about so they can deal with it. 

I have a different understanding of that today. . .

[SES]

Mine also told load of people that I was stalking her, violent towards her, a sex addict, having an affair, gay, was going to kill myself and our kids... .

Also she made allegations to my employer!

Really quite charming.

[Moselle]

Ditto ditto ditto.

I'm amazed how similar our stories are

[JSF13]

Mine too said I was violent towards her and a sex addict and would make fun of me telling me I was gay and everyone would tell her about it. It was her who was violent. Worst thing I ever did was throw a package of blueberries at the wall after she repetitively hit me once. She could only emotionally connect with sex and we were having a ridiculous amount of sex which she spun around later to say I was a sex addict. It's crazy how they self project onto others.

[balletomane]

I don't know what my ex told other people about me (although based on what he said to me about his other exes being 'abusive' or 'crazy', I can make an educated guess). However, he did his utmost to convince me that I was unwell and unstable, and he was so adamant and forceful in his opinion that he succeeded for a while.

During the breakup stage, when I had broken down into tears because he had raged at me, he said, "It's a good thing you're crazy. That's the only thing that stops you from being completely evil." Note: this breakup was triggered by my carefully weighed decision not to take hormonal birth control to manage my bad periods, him getting angry, and me finally telling him that it was my body and I was getting the final say in how I dealt with any health concerns. He got furious and accused me of abusing him by denying that he had a right to an opinion, then spent the next few days getting drunk, sobbing uncontrollably, self-harming, and verbally tearing shreds off me for my 'abuse'. My tears in the middle of his rages were apparently proof of how crazy I was.

Most of the time he believed I was being deliberately manipulative and abusive rather than mentally ill, though, so his comments tended to focus on that.

[StayStrongNow]

The ustbxBPDw used Projection and painted me black to anyone she could including my children and my immediate family.

It didn't really work when a detective called me wanting to interview me on her complaint of sexual assault prefaced by him saying "I am aware of her history". I never was questioned further, I gave him my lawyers number and I never heard about her complaint again.
The stbxBPDw I am still married to is a compulsive liar and who knows what else besides me being insane she claimed.

[michel71]

Love this post!
Mine told me that I was "schizo" and that I couldn't find a girl in my country who would put up with it so I had to look abroad.
Besides the projection of various kinds, it is the gas lighting that was truly testing my sanity. It wasn't until I found this Board that I leveled myself out and was able to understand more about BPD/NPD.
I take medication for anxiety so she calls me crazy.
Anytime I have a normal reaction to something she says or does that is unacceptable, she tells me I am over-reacting or it is all in my head. And of course she flips it all around and accuses me of the same behavior.

[Moselle]

"It's a good thing you're crazy. That's the only thing that stops you from being completely evil."

This is classic projection of their own belief that they are evil.

What are some of the tools we can use against this kind of projection?

[vortex of confusion]

Ex has this thing he does where he puts on a good boy act. This is something that he has done for years. When others are around, he acts like he is great and wonderful. I tried to tell somebody about some of the stuff that has happened and was told, "Oh, he would never do that."

I have tried to share some of the stuff that has happened and was told, "Oh, he has never said a bad word about you." So, I end up looking like the crazy lady that is trying to paint him black and make stuff up because he doesn't show that side to people. He will call me a b*** to my face when nobody else is around and then be nothing but nice when other people are around. I try to plan events for the kids with other people around so that I can avoid having to interact with him.

And he doesn't tell people what he is up to unless it makes him look good. For example, he will talk all about going to church and being a server and his men's group yet doesn't mention his latest love interest or his trip to a drag show. He claims to be gay and/or bisexual and has come out to a few very select people yet keeps it pretty quiet.

I look like I am a cheater because I am seeing somebody and I am not keeping it secret or hidden from anybody but the kids. It was HIS idea to see other people. He puts on this show that he isn't seeing anybody or interested in anybody to our friends and family yet would tell me all about his latest love interest. It has been a real mind boink to have him say and do things in private and then act different publicly. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like he is the poor innocent husband pining over his wife and kids. He is the victim that was kicked out by his cheating wife that replaced him.

All of the things that he has said and done over the years have magically been forgotten and swept under the rug. I protected him for so many years and kept a lot of stuff quiet so now that I am talking it definitely seems like I am the one that is mentally ill.

[gotbushels]

What are some of the tools we can use against this kind of projection?

I think this would be good to know because of how frequently it seemed to occur. One member went so far as to call this her partner's "big three" behaviours that were very difficult to understand, let alone manage. The other two were cognitive distortions and splitting.

[hergestridge]

If I told her that I felt bad or sad in some way my exwife was very quick to tell me that I "should see someone". She was very quick to tell me that. I could barely finnish the sentence, she would interrupt me.
I Think there was an element of "I can't handle your pain" but I Think she was also trying to say "See! You're sick too!".
It was really damaging because I withdrew and kept my feelings to myself. And I felt it was very hurtful that she would cause me so much pain and then refuse to deal with. In a BPD context it makes perfect sense of course, but I didn't know then.

[balletomane]

What are some of the tools we can use against this kind of projection?

I think this would be good to know because of how frequently it seemed to occur. One member went so far as to call this her partner's "big three" behaviours that were very difficult to understand, let alone manage. The other two were cognitive distortions and splitting.

My ex's tendency to project onto me was a massive problem for me. In his case, it happened most frequently when he was emotionally dysregulated, which usually manifested as anger and irrational suspicion. His fury and his lack of insight into his own mood and behaviour meant that anything I said or did would be taken as proof for what he was saying. He was so adamant that his projections were accurate that everything could be twisted to fit them, especially given the paranoia - as he didn't trust me at all when he was in these moods, it was logical to him to assume that any attempts I made to reason with him were just manipulative lying.

An image that helps me in retrospect is that of the riptide. Trying to reason with my ex when he was doing this was like swimming against a rip current and getting more and more exhausted and farther from the shore in the process. The only way to escape the current was to stop fighting it and swim out of its path (i.e. get out of my ex's way). Once I was out of the current (i.e. the rage and the attendant projection were over) then I could make my way back to the shore and safety. Ultimately the only way to deal with this in the long-term was to go no contact.

Now the memories of what he said and did rarely hurt, because over a year has passed since I went NC and I've come a long way since then. Only last night I was thinking with surprise that his words had ever had that much power over me.

[Ceruleanblue]

Mine told me he was told "he'd drive me crazy, just like he did his ex". He hasn't succeeded, if that was his lofty goal. He sort of succeeded with his ex, or likely she already had emotional instability due to being molested, because she'd engage in ugly fights with him, and he'd end up stabbed, hit with a hammer, or his hair cut off from behind. I now realize that he wasn't the blameless victim he painted himself to be. Sure, what she did was clearly abuse, but what did HE do? I now know. He pushed and pulled, said horrendously cruel things, probably taunted her as he does me, mocked, belittled, and that's the short list. Everyone said he treated HER way better than me, but I wonder. Maybe he did slightly because I WILL NOT retaliate the way she did?

I was actually suicidal for a brief time, and he uses that to make it seem I'm the issue. I was suicidal because I was just so darned depressed that I'd gotten out of a mildly verbally abusive 18 year marriage, and knew all the signs to look for in regards to an angry man(my ex also had anger issues), and yet here I was again! I felt totally duped, and NO ONE else in my friend or family group caught on either. I even asked their advice about him. He fooled everyone. I fell for his victim story, because I myself had gotten out of something abusive.

Of course, I got help for feeling suicidal, and that's been two years ago, and I've gotten nothing but stronger, and more emotionally healthy. I have stayed in therapy, and I worked on boundaries, and myself, and making plans.

He'd much rather focus on ME, than to really have to work his DBT plan. In fact, he insisted I go see HIS psychiatrist, in hopes that I'd be diagnosed with something, and he was super, super disappointed when I wasn't. I got some meds for my anxiety, which admittedly I have. Who wouldn't living with all this chaos, and I'd likely have mild anxiety anyway. It runs in my family.

It's just so sad that so many with BPD don't want to take a good hard look at themselves, and actually work on their main relationship. It seems the very hardest relationship for them to maintain is with the one closest to them.

[vortex of confusion]

I could barely finnish the sentence, she would interrupt me.

That was a huge problem for me. I tried to point out his interruptions one time. I would then interrupt him to try to get a word in edgewise. Then he would twist it all around and point out that I was interrupting HIM. Forget the fact that I was simply trying to finish what I was saying when he interrupted me to begin with. I finally figured out that it was best to simply shut up all together. He would interrupt me and I would stop talking and refuse to finish the conversation. He finally got to a point where he would say, "I interrupted again didn't I?" Having a conversation with him became impossible.

she would cause me so much pain and then refuse to deal with.

This was another issue for me. I wanted to go to counseling at one point and he didn't want me to go. We did go to ONE counseling session together and he sat there all quiet and let me do all of the talking. I felt completely crazy because I was rambling on and he was super quiet and said almost nothing. At home, it was just the opposite.

When it came to me seeking individual counseling, he was afraid that the counselor would tell me to divorce him or something. He wanted to pretend that there weren't any problems and that we didn't need any help at all. He didn't want to deal with the pain that was caused because of his sex addiction. He seemed to think that going to SA meetings was enough and that I should be happy and that it would somehow fix everything. I was hurting and in pain and it was completely dismissed because I wasn't the one with the problem. When it came time to make amends in the 12 step process, he used that as an excuse to reach out to a bunch of women/people from his past without any consideration that him talking to women that he had been intimate with might be hurtful to me or our marriage. I was supposed to be okay with it because it was part of the amends process.